Dear Care and Feeding: husband doesn't want another kid but wife does

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Desperate Moo

My husband and I are at a stalemate about whether to have another child. We have a boy and a girl, 6 and 3. After my daughter was born, I knew I wanted another one. My husband is against it and says he will only agree to it if I take two years off from work. He says the children only become “bearable” after two years. I already know that if I want two years off, I am going to be quitting forever.

It is all about the power struggle with duh, isn't it moo? It seems that this marriage is a competition, as in who can act the most selfish. To hell with what your existing kids and potential future kids are experiencing.

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Desperate Moo
When my son was born, my husband had a hard time, and we had a lot of marital problems. He accused me of ruining his life, ruining his career, told me my parents are pests, and yelled at my dad to get out of the house when they were visiting. These are the worst moments. In between, he was cold to me, and I was apologizing constantly for making him miserable, though I was not entirely sure what I had done wrong.

Obviously this all sounds terrible."

Is she seriously willing to bring another life into this arrangement and not expect even more bad repercussions? What sane person would willingly usher this torment into five lives?

link: https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/advice/dear-care-and-feeding-i-desperately-want-another-child-my-husband-does-not/ar-BB10745O

Sounds like the struggle isn't about another kid at all. There's some serious shit going on below that surface, and they're both into power.

Never mind that two is already PLENTY in terms of overconsumption and overpopulation; these two need to get to a decent therapist who won't let them shine anyone on.

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rest of the letter
Before we had kids, my husband used to cook at least once a week and help with chores, but now he cooks a couple times a year and will occasionally take the trash out. I know that if we have a third, he will expect me to do everything. In general, my husband has always been a loner. He has never had any close friends, and he does not have any desire to make friends. He doesn’t say anything when we are with other people, and he barely has a conversation with his parents when they call.

To be honest, I just don’t think he likes human interaction very much, and I think he would have been better off on his own. Maybe this is why he doesn’t want to add another person to the family. So obviously our marriage has been less than ideal, but he is not willing to go to couples therapy. But the kids are the joy of my life! I feel so sad about not having the big family that I wanted. I know that I will have to do everything, and my life will be crazy if we have a third. How do I get over this? Am I selfish and crazy for wanting another?

Oh. Never mind. Here's what I'd tell her:

I know the old Maya Angelou quote gets dragged out, but it really applies here. "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." He has shown exactly who he is and how he reacts to the demands of parenthood. He's not gonna suddenly become a different person. Yeah, he shouldn't have had kids at all, but you are looking for a solution to the wrong problem. It isn't should you have another kid. The "care and feeding" columnist says you don't need anyone's permission for this, and that is WRONG...your husband certainly has a say! The problem is, he's had his say and yet you continue trying to get your way. Knock it off. Listen to him. He is, from what you described, a lackluster parent at best. He does need to man up and be an actual dad, but you also need to stop pushing your agenda. Hie thee to a therapist and work on why you think you need another kid. Work on yourself and on dealing with the actual unmet needs. Work on seeing your husband for who he is.

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randomcfchick
Work on yourself and on dealing with the actual unmet needs. Work on seeing your husband for who he is.

She is clearly not interested in doing any of that. Personally I think it sounds like it's time for a divorce. Daddy isn't contributing anyway, he clearly wants to be alone, and she clearly wants a more engaged partner...time to go their separate ways.

They won't, though, at least not yet. Time for her to oops him and then whine more about how he got even worse with kiddo #3, even though she saw it coming from miles away.

That relationship sounds really toxic. I can't imagine anyone - moo, duh, or kids - is happy. And of course she wants another child.

Sounds like she's got baby rabies...….but he's the one who is getting bit (in the ass!).

He'll get oopsed.

+++++++++++++

Passive Aggressive
Master Of Anti-brat
Excuses!

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My husband and I are at a stalemate about whether to have another child.

Then this means you don't have another fucking child. Reproduction takes two yesses to happen, but just one no to not happen. At least that's how it should be.

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My husband is against it and says he will only agree to it if I take two years off from work. He says the children only become “bearable” after two years. I already know that if I want two years off, I am going to be quitting forever.

Sounds like he probably didn't want the first two either and since her ass wants more, she needs to deal with them until such a time that that he would want to be around them. I'm guessing this is his way of giving her an unfavorable ultimatum to try and discourage her from wanting a third kid.

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When my son was born, my husband had a hard time, and we had a lot of marital problems. He accused me of ruining his life, ruining his career, told me my parents are pests, and yelled at my dad to get out of the house when they were visiting.

Yup, definitely sounds like he didn't want the first one, and yet the stupid cow went and bred with him again knowing how badly he reacted to the first kid and how badly he treated her and her parents as a result.

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Before we had kids, my husband used to cook at least once a week and help with chores, but now he cooks a couple times a year and will occasionally take the trash out. I know that if we have a third, he will expect me to do everything. In general, my husband has always been a loner. He has never had any close friends, and he does not have any desire to make friends. He doesn’t say anything when we are with other people, and he barely has a conversation with his parents when they call.

Duh sounds like he's probably a major introvert, or he's an asshole that nobody wants to stay friends with. Maybe some of both. He probably married the first woman to give him a second glance and put exactly zero thought into having kids.

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To be honest, I just don’t think he likes human interaction very much, and I think he would have been better off on his own. Maybe this is why he doesn’t want to add another person to the family. So obviously our marriage has been less than ideal, but he is not willing to go to couples therapy. But the kids are the joy of my life! I feel so sad about not having the big family that I wanted. I know that I will have to do everything, and my life will be crazy if we have a third. How do I get over this? Am I selfish and crazy for wanting another?

No, I think it's more like he doesn't like interacting with his wife and children very much. She thinks he'd be better off alone, yet she wants to go to couples counseling to save a marriage to a man who obviously does not want to be a parent. WHY? Is it really that much better for kids to have both parents growing up if they treat each other and the kids like crap? Fucking divorce the guy and go marry a single Duh that will give you your coveted and unnecessary third child. The guy probably doesn't leave because he gets a place to live and a maid to raise his brats, cook his meals and clean up after him.

I agree - he's gonna get oopsed and then Moo is going to act shocked when he winds up being useless and a bastard toward her and the kids. God people are fucking dumb!

I also noted this:

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One of the reasons he cites for not wanting another child is that my son didn’t sleep through the night until he was 2. I read tons of books about baby sleep, but every method led to him crying, and I am opposed to letting him cry it out.

Holy shite, can you imagine the slow roll torture that must have been? Jeezus I cannot imagine enduring a screaming baybee for one day much less letting it go on for TWO YEARS and not being willing to try something new.

I hope this guy had a vasectomy yesterday.

And I'm female but I get the impression she's really piling on about this guy's supposed crimes to get her way. A lot of guys think this way: many of them do not feel like they have the right to "deny children" to a woman so they just put up all these conditions. And frankly, his conditions don't sound all that impractical: three kids are a lot of work and someone has to do the cunt work. He's probably just a normal guy who is thinking he consented to TWO kids, what more does she want, particularly with an unwilling partner.

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So obviously our marriage has been less than ideal, but he is not willing to go to couples therapy. But the kids are the joy of my life! I feel so sad about not having the big family that I wanted. I know that I will have to do everything, and my life will be crazy if we have a third. How do I get over this? Am I selfish and crazy for wanting another

I'm shocked but sadly not surprised the "advice columnist" told this woman the husband's consent is not required. WHAT THE FUCK. Also it seems to me this woman is being cruel and indifferent to her husband's wishes, not vice versa.

That is REALLY unethical for an advice columnist to tell a moo that the husband should have no say in another kid. There have been women murdered out there for taking on that attitude and oopsing a man.

Also I agree that she is really piling on with the crimes to make him look like an a-hole to get the writer on her side.
The husband probably thinks that the wife represents all women and probably the first kid was an oops and he is off the mind that "an extra is not much worse than one" but a third is taking it too far

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bell_flower
He's probably just a normal guy who is thinking he consented to TWO kids, what more does she want, particularly with an unwilling partner.

I wonder what the allure is to her too. They have both a boy and a girl, so they have the complete set, spaced a "reasonable" three years apart. Given Moo's aversion to being told she would need to be a SAHM for two years to deal with mistake #3, I don't think it's a matter of her wanting to get away with staying home playing house while her husband brings home the bacon.

What is prompting this idiot to not only want more children, but want more children with a man who obviously doesn't want more? He's not willing to go to therapy because this isn't really a negotiable subject - she wants brats, he does not. You can't make half a kid - well, you can, but it would get messy.

The advice columnist says Moo doesn't need anyone's permission to be a single mother, but I could see how Moo - who is tits-deep in baby rabies - could construe that as "get pregnant anyway and leave him." Because I'm sure even if she would be okay with single parenthood, she would still sink her hooks into her ex-husband for brat support.

I hope this guy is smart enough to not fuck this crazy bitch, not that it would prevent her from getting knocked up by another man and claiming it's her husband's kid, but it would be a damn good start.

I think she wants three because three is the new two, so to speak. Having three shows the Joneses that you are financially successful enough to support three kids.

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"Not every ejaculation deserves a name" - George Carlin

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LoveToLurk
I think she wants three because three is the new two, so to speak. Having three shows the Joneses that you are financially successful enough to support three kids.

This is the part we don't know. Maybe her insistance on having the first two has strained finances and plans in ways she doesn't understand (or has chosen to ignore). Many times we've talked about breeders who have kids at bad times because "God will provide" or some such lamebrained reasoning. Maybe hubby wanted to be able to retire early—but oops!

But are people with 3 kids really successful? If they were, why are we seeing so many free school lunches because of breeders who can't afford their kids?

I heard people are having more kids because of the child tax credit. The system is set up so if you have one kid you still pay, if you have two you break even, and if you have three or more you make money. Apparently even with the tax credit many people with multiple brats still qualify for free school lunches. The gooberment must really really want the sheeple to breed a lot.

When I was in middle school in the early 80s the longest line in the cafeteria was always the one for kids getting reduced price lunches. Even then a lot of people could not afford brats and there was at least some assistance available. I'm sure it has only gotten worse.

what these assholes fail to understand is that the kids cost way more than the tax credit they get.
so the tax credit is designed to pull in these retards who are too f'in stoopid to figure that out.

this woman is nothing but a baby rabid asshat.
she will deliver nothing but hell to the kids she has.
imagine the whine whine whine capital she will spend on this
'daddy won't blah blah blah'
enjoy your misery you cow

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong

Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.