Breakingmom Tales: Or A Collection of Stupidity & Dumb Choices

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bell_flower
Why are the worst ones in AITA or Am I over-reacting?

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My husband raped me, but am I the asshole here?

I saw that one. She has left him, but who knows if she'll be able to stay away (sounds like he has his claws in pretty deep, AND sounds like the kind of guy who would kill her for leaving, so...).

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update one
I wasn’t originally going to make an update just because like I was getting into specific detail about my life and I didn’t want anyone I know in real life to find it. But I will because… I don’t know why actually. I guess I just got some really good comments. I posted this about 7 hours ago and I cannot believe how many people have responded. I don’t know if I could ever say thank you enough to such thoughtful strangers on the internet.

So originally my plan was to tell my doctor and my SIL, maybe my brother but I wasn’t looking forward to discussing those details with him. I rescheduled my weekly appointment with my doctor for tmr. I know some people said I would be able to just walk in but I didn’t want to do it and then have make some excuse to my husband. The comments made me realize the severity of the situation and honestly I am terrified.

So I called my SIL when she got off work and we had a really long conversation. I mentioned in the comments but my SIL and brother have never really liked my husband, especially my SIL. She was very supportive and kind and we talked for a long time.

I guess I can admit now that it wasn’t just sex, it was rape. We talked about that more than anything else.

And she cleared the whole confusion thing up very quickly. I told her a lot of the things my mom excused because she likes my husband, and my SIL was livid. I guess I kinda knew she always would be which is why I never told her. She ended up telling me to talk to my doctor and she will talk to my brother and we will see what’s going on. She said she will come down on the soonest flight, but my brother cannot come yet because they do have children of their own. I was content with that though, and my appointment with my doctor is tomorrow.

So my husband got home kinda early and saw how I was upset. I really was planning on getting myself together before he came home but I did not have time. Still, I was not going to tell him anything but he was being so kind, which he really usually is (I know that’s hard to believe but it’s true) but today especially he was so kind and so worried about me. I know it was stupid to explain the situation but I did. I don’t know why. I’m just used to telling him my problems I guess. It was a mistake and I know that. I am really trying not to be so stupid anymore but it’s hard to switch from thinking about him as my loving and caring husband to my husband who is hurting me.

So I told him that, and how he hurt me and honestly I am scared now. He was like “what, how?” I said by forcing me to have sex, by literally forcing my legs apart and telling me to “calm down”.

He was like “oh my fucking god, don’t fucking say that. That’s a crime do you understand that? Do you understand you just accused me of martial rape?” And pushed me away from him. I started to apologize, and he started to say it was okay and do that thing where he acts like I’m dumb again. So I finally like yeah actually, I really do understand that now. It isn’t right and it is martial rape. It resulted in a huge argument, once again. He called me an idiot for even daring to say those words. I called him an abuser and he literally laughed. He was like “who are you talking to, you don’t know what you’re talking about” and started to go on and on about things I “don’t know about”. He said sex with his wife isn’t rape, no matter how you split it.

I ended up trying to just walk away but he grabbed me by my wrist. I snatched my hand away and he held up his hands was like “oh I’m sorry, I’m sorry, that might be considered battery of a pregnant woman, if we’re going by your definitions”.

The condescending tone is what really drove me to the edge and I told him I don’t want to be around him. He was like fine, I’ll go. I said no- I wanna go. I want to be away from you. He threw the credit card at me and told me to go get a hotel then.

So I did. And here I am, typing this now. And my SIL is on her way right now but I am so far from okay. He’s called me several times but I won’t answer. I’ve never seen him that angry before. I am slightly concerned what he will do if I genuinely tell him I want to leave and take the baby. He is the one who wanted to have a child, and I was convinced. It won’t let me take her easily and that terrifies me. Every time my daughter kicks I just wanna sob. I never thought that my own baby would make me cry like this. But I am just so scared.

(also I am just now opening this pdf everyone linked but it’s already making a lot of sense. thank you very much for that)

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update two
This one is quick and for the people who wanted me to verify that I am okay

I genuinely don’t know what to say about the amount of support I got. Thank you so so so very much.

August 7th I posted my update, and I mentioned having Braxton hicks for the first time. I was urged to go to the hospital. I originally wasn’t going to but thank goodness that I did because by the time I walked in the door, I was bleeding so heavily it was down my legs.

Turns out I had a placental abruption. August 7th at 10:37 PM, my daughter was born via emergency c section. She is now only less than a old as I post this but I am being forced to deal with an attorney and all of this already.

She was only 33 weeks and 5 days when she was born. She is tiny, but still doing relatively well so they tell me. She is in the NICU now and I am in the hospital still as well. I have received lots of care and while it is all scary and hard, seeing my daughter makes it better. I’m fine, I will be fine, and so will she. The nurses here are amazing and the doctor told me as long as everything goes well, I get to take my daughter home in just a few weeks

As for my situation, my SIL came shortly after my daughter was born and she’s been by my side all day and very supportive. The attorney advised us to allow my husband visitation with my daughter while she is still in the NICU, so I did. I do not have a concern of him hurting our daughter while in the hospital or anything like that. I have received lots of supportive messages from his coworkers and his side of the family so I am sure he is spinning the story that we are together and everything is fine. He is trying to act like that too.

He’s seen our daughter several times today and I think that he was in the hospital with me during the c section but I am honestly not sure. He came up to my room this morning while the nurses were helping me take that first walk after the c section. I was just emotional enough to let him in. I have to be honest and say it wasn’t easy to try and hate him after all of this. I still let him comfort me and I still cried to him. But at the end when he said “you wouldn’t have had to do this alone if you weren’t acting that way” and grabbed my face to make me kiss him, it reminded me of why exactly I am doing this.

So yeah, I am not so sure what I am going to do. Originally I really wanted to have my daughter in my home state so that I could stay there with her and my SIL and brother but I highly doubt my husband will allow me to take her there. My attorney says I have options (and the options are heavily in my favor, as I did what you all suggested and got the medical records of the rapes, including the one I posted about and two more I went to the hospital for over the years, as well as in writing my dr saying that my placental abruption was likely caused by trauma and stress) for custody and stuff like that but likely only here where we currently live.

Honestly, that’s okay. Being able to briefly hold my baby and seeing her and loving her so much has replaced much else in my mind. I want to be safe but I want her safe most of all. I won’t do anything to put her in the situation I was in. She is only 16 hours old and she is all I think about, and will ever think about for the rest of my life.

I probably won’t update again (as I am hoping they will let me spend more time with my daughter soon) but I just wanted to say that this whole post literally changed my life, and I cannot say thank you enough. If anyone else finds themselves in this sort of situation, I wanna say do not be scared to speak up. And if anyone has survived it, you’re so brave. Thank you

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Cambion
The fact that she says he apologized and really meant it leads me to think she will probably forgive him and go back. Abusers have a knack for getting deep inside their victims' heads and making them think all kinds of things that are absolutely untrue. Things like the abuse isn't abuse or it "isn't that bad," no one else will ever want the victim and they're lucky the abuser is willing to put up with them, or love-bombing them so they stick around because they feel so baaaaad for leaving when he's so sorry!

The fact that he apologized, but then complained about having to apologize more is a pretty clear indication he didn't mean it. But Moo is too deep in the abuse quicksand to realize it.

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kittehpeoples
But damn...women having to be told that they were raped and then watching them still dither over what to do is just blood-boiling. So many people let this woman down before she got to this point, and she doesn't even realize it.

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So many people let this woman down before she got to this point, and she doesn't even realize it.

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LoveToLurk
She mentions in a comment that he is a cop

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I (26F) and my husband Alex (27M) have been married for a year. Recently, I found out I was pregnant. This was not planned, HOWEVER, ever since we got married we have not been using protection every time we got intimate and I'm currently not on any birth control.

My guess is that I'm only a few weeks along (I haven't seen a doctor yet)

Anyway, I told him when he got back home from work yesterday. I personally was very happy about it because I've always wanted a mom. I was pretty sure I was all smiles when I told him, and I thought he would be too once he found out the news. Let me add that he's been neutral on having kids.

My assumption was wrong. Immediately he gets super upset and asks how in the hell this could happen? I explained to him that while it was sudden, we hadn't been using protection every time so it wasn't that surprising. I thought he would have understood.

For some reason he didn't. After a few minutes of back and forth, he demanded a paternity test and told me there was no way it was his.

I was hurt and insulted. Let me be very clear that I did not, and will never, cheat on my husband. I have also never given him any reason for him to be suspicious about me cheating on him, either.

I was so taken aback that he doubted my loyalty enough to ask for a paternity test. I told him I couldn't believe he was seriously asking me for that.

He said that I wasn't helping my case, and that if I had nothing to hide, then I would take the test and prove my loyalty to him.

I honestly can't remember all that I said, but I ended up saying something along the lines of "if you're doubting me and my loyalty so much that you think I cheated on you and got pregnant with someone else's baby, then I don't think I want one with you anymore. I don't want to be tied to someone who clearly doesn't trust me."

He blew up at me and accused me of cheating once again. It was a big argument, and he said I was being shitty, dismissing his concerns, and saying that asking for a paternity test was valid. In the end, I AGREED TO THE TEST but said that I stood by my words.

We haven't spoken since the argument and he's currently at work.

I went to my friend for advice and she said that while he was out of line for accusing me of cheating, I shouldn't have said that to him over one of his "valid" concerns, and that clearly had a reason to feel that way about the situation.

I cannot fathom made him feel like I was cheating on him. I was just so hurt that he would insult me like that and accuse me of doing something so disgusting when I thought we were supposed to have trust in each other.

But AITA for saying what I did?

Edit: A lot of people are suggesting he got a secret vasectomy that failed, and that did cross my mind! During the argument I did ask if he got a vasectomy or was infertile and that's why the baby couldn't be his, but he dismissed that and continued saying "it just couldn't be his" without providing me a solid reason. So in that regard I have really no idea what to say...

Edit 2: I feel I should elaborate on the "neutral about kids" part. I told him while we were still just dating that no kids was a dealbreaker for me. He said that was fine because his stance on it was that if we ever have kids, it's fine. if something happens and we don't, it's fine. I'm calling that neutral since I don't know what else to call it. So when I told him I was pregnant I thought he would be fine with it like he said. But apparently he just changed his mind about that and didn't tell me!

And also, I have no issues with men wanting paternity tests, I just had an issue with him blatantly accusing me of being a cheater with no solid proof to back it up along with it.

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For context: due to past experience, I am worried about having a miscarriage. I also suffer from severe anxiety which is currently unmedicated due to being several weeks pregnant. Additional context: husband has a far higher libido than me. When we met, we matched but due to health/hormone/medication stuff my libido has dropped and so I don't always want sex when he does. We have spoken before about how this can make him feel "unwanted" and I've reassured him every time that my libido is no reflection on my feelings or his attractiveness - it's just that sex if I'm not in the mood makes me feel kind of gross. He thinks I should just do it for him and his needs, and sometimes I do, but I never enjoy it.

Tonight, husband propositioned me for sex and I said no. As he always does, he proceeded to try and persuade me, so I explained that I was afraid of sex causing a miscarriage so early on (I know there is zero reason for me to think this, and it's almost certainly completely safe, but I feel how I feel). He basically scoffed and said that was ridiculous because it was perfectly safe. I agreed it probably was, but pointed out that if we did sleep together and then I lost the baby, I'd blame myself. He scoffed again and then said "well if you gave me a blowjob or if I did it in the backdoor that wouldn't affect a pregnancy." I again said no, and he rolled his eyes and said "I just think it's any excuse with you, isn't it?" AIO that this completely blindsided me and hurt me?

The implication that I'm somehow lying about feeling this way just so I don't 'need' to have sex with him? I reacted along the lines of "are you suggesting I'm lying about my fear? What the hell?" And he got pissed, said that fine, he wouldn't share how he felt, and then is giving me the silent treatment. We'll need to talk about it in the morning but I'm hoping for clarity from internet strangers so I know how in the wrong I am. It's made me feel like he doesn't respect me at all. Did I overreact? I know he's waiting for an apology but I don't know if I should give him one.

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I don’t know what to do. I’m 34 weeks pregnant and beyond broke. When I first got pregnant, my bf and I both had good jobs, working cars, and stable housing. I thought everything would be fine.

Then I got really really sick. Throwing up every day all day long. I couldn’t do my job anymore. I couldn’t even get out of bed. Couldn’t keep even water down and had to go to the ER multiple times.

Then my bf’s job started being weird about paying him. Would say they would get him a paycheck tomorrow. Then another tomorrow and another you get the gist. We had him apply for other jobs in the meantime. I used my savings to cover rent and utilities, then credit cards. I applied for assistance. It’s been 4 months and nothing. Had one phone call then silence.

Then my bf’s tire popped. And then the spare popped. And then I got in a car accident. Got a ticket. Bf got a new job but guess what? They won’t give him full time hours until he’s been there 3 months. Been shorting him on hours.

All my savings, gone. Every credit card run up. Tried applying for more credit cards… denied. Eviction notice. More debt. Gas supposed to be shut off today along with internet. Power to be shut off soon. Can’t even afford to pay for parking at my OB’s office. No gas in my car.

We had a nice random stranger on Reddit send us some money. We used it to stock up before baby comes, get some groceries, and fix my bf’s tire. I drive to go pick up my meds and get a phone call from bf’s friend’s phone. Guess what? Bf left his phone on my car. I drove away. Phone is nowhere to be found and goes straight to voicemail when called. It’s 100% smashed on the highway.

When does this end? We don’t even have the money for rent next month, let alone a NEW PHONE?? I’m going to lose my mind. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m going to literally die from the extreme anxiety I feel right now.

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I’m daughter (13f) was sa’d walking to the bus stop from ballet. (Before anyone says anything weird because I know how Reddit gets no she wasn’t just sleeping around and lying to cover it up.) She didn’t say anything for 2 months but her dad noticed a bruise on her arm when she had her sleeves rolled up washing dishes about 4 months ago he asked her about and she told him everything since then we’ve been in therapy we go as a family and she has her own sessions. We’ve taken her to get an abortion but she got scared and backed out(which I don’t blame her for she’s a scared teen).

Onto our current situation she’s 6 months along and for our circumstances she’s doing quite well coming to terms with what’s happened and how to cope with it. Recently while we were sitting watching a movie and my daughter mentioned how she was thinking about what she should do for her gender reveal. I asked her where she got the idea she’d be having a gender reveal and she asked why shouldn’t she be able to. I explained that her being a pregnant teen wasn’t something to celebrate and pointed out the fact that it was actually quite tragic.

She argued back with the fact that I made it sound like it was her fault and that she felt like I was punishing her for something that she wasn’t to blame for. I get her point of view to an extent but it just doesn’t seem necessary or appropriate. When her dad got home we asked him what he thought he stay neutral but when we talked privately he said that she had a point,that we shouldn’t punish her for something that she not at fault for and that if it was gonna make her happy there’s no reason not to.

I’m not trying to blame or punish her for anything it just feels weird and inappropriate to celebrate something so unfortunate

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Thank you everyone for your comments. Especially the people who commented "what the f did I just read" and "I'm sorry this seems genuinely insane" because yes I did feel like it was insane.

He was not at all like this about money pre-baby, but we were both working hard, earning and enjoying life. And sleeping... most of all I think it is the lack of sleep that has changed us and made communication and emotional regulation hard. Parenthood brings new responsibilities and pressures, and I feel for him adjusting to everything. But my life and means of income are completely gone, so it's hard on me too.

I spoke to him about how I was feeling the morning after your comments started rolling in. I said how angry I was and that we're suffering so much more than we could be if we just had a freaking rocking chair. (Right now I walk and sway to rock her but she is heavy and my arms get the shakes).

He repiled, and this took my breath away, that he was sick of being treated like and ATM.

Insane.

I shot back about how I handed over all of my savings, hundreds of thousands of dollars from the sale of my house, to pay down the mortgage. Then I had 9 months to save and pay for everything the baby. I pointed out how I paid for everything she has. I asked how exactly he is an the ATM. He said let's drop it. Then he said we have a massive tax bill right now and it's not the time for big purchases. I know he feels like he's working so hard but we are not getting ahead like we should be. I empathise, and I know he works so hard. I know he is doing his best for our family, but this is a temporarily stage of life. I asked why I can't spend money from my account specifically for baby things and he said it's all our money in the end. I think he's worried that if I spend hundreds now, it means my money will run out sooner. I guess $600 now hurts more and is different to $600 later, or he is just trying to wait me out. I didn't say that part. Instead, I said that the way he is being about this is damaging the way I feel about him and damaging our relationship. He got mad and told me to "get the f***ing chair, then." He said that he asked his best friend if his wife needed a rocking chair and they never got one, and then pointed out they have 3 kids and we only have 1. I wanted to say that I bet his best friend never fell asleep holding their kids on the edge of a bed high off the ground. I wanted to say that that their situation is vastly different to ours, and comparing is unfair. Instead I replied that this is about so much more than the chair and we really need to sort it out.

Baby girl deserves parents who have a healthy relationship so she feels happy and secure, and to see that modeled for her future. We deserve a healthy relationship, too.

He stormed off.

For attempt 2 of the conversation, I showed him the original post and your comments. Surley, as it is written from my perspective, it is unfairly in my favour. So, I was worried about him blowing up, but honesty I felt like I was going crazy about this and although the comments were harsh, they were very clear. So, I waited until he was in a better mood. He was chilling on the couch while I had the baby and was preparing her dinner, and he opened the post and read it for a bit. He said I had gone on a rant and that the post was bad for our marriage and closed it down. He then sent some texts and had a shower. I was hoping he would mull it over and perhaps start seeing things from my perspective. He came out of the shower refusing to speak to me. I apologised that his feelings were hurt and explained that people responding were only getting a snap shot of our marriage and only we know what or marriage is truly like. He said it's the lowest thing I have ever done. I explained that I only wrote the post, not all the replies (the accusations of financial abuse really got to him). He left for the rest of the evening without speaking to me, so I fed the baby her solids, played with her, bathed her, read books with her, BF her and then put her to bed.

I was hoping he might be taking time to reflect on the situation, to read through my perspective and to consider why I was upset, and also to consider why he was upset. I think this has really shaken his perspective on our marriage, and his view of himself. I think it has hurt his feelings and his ego.

He must have come back inside at some point, because I found him asleep in bed when I went to have a shower. I asked if he intended to help with the medication tonight or if he was planning on doing no parenting at all. I was mad, I should have just not said the last part. He went to sleep on the couch. When I got back to bed after wake up 2, at around 11pm, he was back.

The irony is now I hate the idea of getting the chair. It is a symbol of everything wrong about our relationship and the whole situation and a reminder of how the empathetic, attentive, fun, generous man I married has changed dramatically. And so have I, to be honest. With the sleep deprivation I am generally harder and straight to the point, not gentle and patient in explaining what should happen or what I need, like I used to be. He must be missing that softer side of me. Maybe that's what he means when he says I'm mean? I really don't have energy for anything other than survival.

But I need the freaking chair because I am losing my mind swaying and walking laps of the nursery.

I'll see what he has to say if he ever talks to me again.

Thank you to all the people who gave me advice about my baby's bad sleeping. We are not medically cleared to sleep train her. The wake ups are not all her, she is often woken by us giving her medication in the night, and it hurts her stomach. We have to fast her around the time of the medication, too. We have spoken to doctors and had sleep consultants and the feedback we've gotten is that we're doing the best we can with the situation we're in. I also can't get a night nanny because I won't be able to switch off. If her heart freaks out and I am not there, or it is not picked up on, I will never forgive myself. She is also still BF and I haven't been pumping recently so it's better to whap out the boob at night (when she doesn't need to fast around her medication times). And if we can't agree on the price of a chair, imagine trying to negotiate the expense of getting a night nanny. It's 12:30am and she is awake and crying again. I'll see what the new day brings.

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twocents
bell, look up that thomas valva case from here on Long Island. It occurred quite a few years ago, both the duh and his cunt of a second wife are now in prison (thankfully so) but that bastard was a cop and the nypd helped cover. did not do their image any good.

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We have 4 kids under the age of 7. I’ve already made a ton of compromises when it comes to car seat safety, so that they’re all currently in car seats that are basically the bare minimum safety but still following the legal requirements in our state. It’s not what I’d prefer, but it’s what their father insists on.

I just found out this weekend that when my husband drives the kids by himself he doesn’t even bother with the bare minimum legally required car seats we’d agreed on. He has a 6 year old and a 4 year sitting in regular seats with regular seat belts, and the 2 year old uses the backless booster that her 6 year old sister technically isn’t even old enough to use yet. I lost my shit and my husband thinks I’m insane. He’s only ever driving them a few country miles like that, just into town and back or just to my parents and back, and he refuses to go to the trouble of car seat safety for a 10 minute drive. This man also doesn’t believe in sunscreen or basic water safety so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. But the question is… wtf do I do?

I can’t really prevent him from driving his own children around, right? I can do my best to minimize the occasions when he would be driving them, but even if I rearrange our life to drive them everywhere myself (he drives them to and from school because I’m a SAHM with a newborn and he works literally next door to their school), I still can’t prevent him from driving them other times when he feels like it, right? He will not listen to reason. He feels he is above the law and that natural consequences don’t apply to him, probably because he’s the kind of cis het white boy who has had the privilege of fucking around his entire life and still has yet to “find out.” His parents also don’t believe in car seats so I can’t even tattle to them, which is about the only thing that has ever worked to change his behavior before.

I’m just sick to my stomach over this. It’s exhausting not being able to trust my own husband/my children’s own father to prioritize their best interests— or even their very basic safety needs.

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I'm (31F) an only child of old parents (M76, F67). I'm married, but marriage isn't all that great, probably headed for a divorce when the time is right. But I still probabaly can drag out my marriage by having a child. The reason of this strange thought being I don't wanna get married again, and in my culture it's difficult to have a kid outside marriage.

I am an extremely caring person, and I love my parents more than anything. Even though I live in the US and they are in India, I talk to them twice a day, trying to bring them 6 months, and help them financially as required. I don't have much family apart from them.

Although I'm a caring/loving person in general, I'm mentally exhausted from my PhD (currently wrapping up), immigration and the shitty marriage. Even though I wanna have kids, the thought of having a kid feels like climbing a mountain right now. I'm definitely drained and burnt out. I also have an anxiety and depression diagnosis.

Given my work, immigration, possible divorce, and mental state, I feel like having a child is not logically a good idea. But I can't wrap around the fact what I'd live for once my parents aren't around. I don't have faith in relationships being lifelong anymore, but hopefully, a child well cared for will never abandon you. I know fear of loneliness/fomo/a reason to live are not good enough reasons to have a child, especially in my situation, but I have always loved children and wanted children. I feel like if I do proceed with doing the logical thing (be childfree), I may end up regretting and be sad in the future. Do you all have any advice for my very confused self? Thanks in advance!