Breakingmom Tales: Or A Collection of Stupidity & Dumb Choices

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Considering trying for a child at forty-four via embryo transfer. I do not have older moms in my orbit, or anyone to impart that kind of personal wisdom to me. So if you've been there... how was it? Pregnancy. Birth. Raising a little one in late forties and fifties. I'm married, decent income, decent health, currently have one young child. Love this group and general solidarity to anyone reading this.

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A different perspective: my mum was older when she had me. She was going through menopause as I was a teenager. That was NOT fun. She was a good 15 years older than the other mums at the school and it showed in many ways.

Also, I lost her when I was 40, and my dad even earlier (as he was older than her).

Would not recommend.

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Let the histronics begin!
My mom also went through menopause when I was a teen. It was a rough couple of years. However, I prefer existing to not existing..I like my life and wouldn't tell women not to jave children because they've slightly mistimed it. Being aware of the issue and asking their doctor about estrogen and hrt, yes. Advising someone to give up on having children, no.

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When did they commenter say OP should give up on trying? She simply shared her personal experience and said she personally would not recommend if. OP asked for advice. Lol…???

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won't let it drop
She said "would not recommend" which is literally saying she advises OP against having a kid. I dont know how that could be clearer. She doesn't recommend it. I mean... your interpretation does not track.

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People are allowed to have differing opinions, lady. Get a grip

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Right. And my opinion is that telling someone who wants a baby that they're too old is ridiculous, especially if your only reason is that you had a rough couple of years when Mom hit menopause. Like, I had that exact issue with my Mom and all it did was convince me to get help for my upcoming misery.

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“I let my husband talk me into having a child, since he saw no future for the relationship if he had to give up having children. Well, he and I now both regret this decision almost daily. We definitely did not win the child lottery.
For the first six months our son slept max 15 mins at a time, and was always in movement or in someone’s lap. We were both losing our minds with the sleep deprivation even though we took turns each night. When he was awake, he cried or was unhappy All. The. Time. It was pure torture, I’m not kidding. We both contemplated ending our lives, or at least giving our son to adoption, but in the end could not give the responsibility of the child to others as we were the ones who decided to make him.
As he grew older the sleep got better but by no means good. Now at 2.5 he still wakes up 3-15 times per night. He is also quite an unhappy child, never content to play by himself even for 15mins. He needs a lot of activities and entertainment so as not to lose his shit. He’s violent towards us and more recently also towards other children and adults as well. Many times per day. He is very, very strong headed and very rarely do we get him to obey orders or respect limits no matter what we try. He absolutely hates normal hygiene routines, such as changing diapers (does not want to go to potty either even thought he could be diaper free as he has the skills to recognise the need to go, and hold if necessary), washing teeth, getting dressed, taking vitamins, putting lotion on his skin and taking his asthma medicine. Everything is a fight. Normally there needs to be at least two adults to get him dressed. He fights back with so much strength.
We have tried every single trick we have been able to research. We give him all the love, we make him feel safe, we try to make him happy and make him laugh. We are very consistent and strict when it comes to violent behavior, but no progress in two years. We reward and compliment him on good behavior. We bribe and punish and use every imaginable trick to get him to obey. We try to make dressing up etc fun games or at least neutral activities. Not a lot of progress. We have consulted several education experts on how we can better quide our child towards good behavior. We are doing everything we can to make life bearable to us all, but it still feels like we have nothing to show for it. Our day care personnel has told us they are no longer able to control him, and will need to get a special teacher to help them if things do not get better.
We have seen so many doctors to try to find out if he’s in pain or if there’s anything underlying medical issue which could be causing all of this. Nothing has been found. He is developing very well physically, linguistically and socially (apart from the violence), so doctors and other experts tell us they see no reason to suspect autism or even adhd at this point.
We wish so much we could enjoy our son’s company, but every holiday or long weekend feels so draining, and we cannot wait to get back to work. Life feels like an 18 year prison sentence where the prisoners are being physically and mentally abused. I really, really wish we can figure out a way to help our son to feel better and find a way out of the violence. We are not giving up. But I was so, so much happier before having a child.”

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Hi everyone! Just found this community and first time posting, have had a lot of help from reading some of the posts already I (F,33) and my partner (M,33) have been together for almost 6 years now. We have an almost 2 year old and own a house together. We’ve spoken about marriage on the past and that we want to be married, but never had a timeline. I was always hopeful he would propose when he finished university (which was over 2 years ago now I realise!), but put it on the back burner after it didn’t happen and health issues came up for me.

The health issues are part of why we have a child already. (Sorry- TW on this section for cancer and pregnancy loss). We had always discussed our plan as being marriage, house, kids in that order. Then COVID hit and house prices went crazy here, so that went behind kids. Then I was nearly diagnosed with ovarian cancer as an incidental finding from some surgery (fortunately I didn’t have it and it was a mistake by a very poorly run hospital department). The scare made us move kids to the front of the list though as my actual diagnosis (instead of cancer) did mean it wouldn’t be easy to have kids, which was proven through 2 losses and a few other scary things. But essentially since 2021 our focus wasn’t on marriage, it was on children.

We have our girl now and she is our everything, and we just got a house, which is incredible. But in prioritising those things (quite fairly in my view), marriage has completely fallen off the radar. I am struggling and hoping for some advice on how do I put it back on without seeming pushy or like I am giving him an ultimatum? He struggles with coming up with ideas on his own and often if I bring up a topic he goes with what I say, which I don’t want to be the case here.

He teased me at Christmas about “well I had better marry you quickly now” after I made a joke that he couldn’t be in my parents house because his surname differed from the rest of us, so not sure if I could go off that? We also do couples counselling, so wonder if I could bring it up then so that our counsellor could help make sure my partner can have his say safely? (She is great at that). Not sure when it could be on the radar for counselling as his awful parents tend to take up all our sessions unfortunately.

Sorry for the massive post, just keen for any tips/advice to hopefully kick start this process with my partner without steamrolling him- thank you!!

Edit- thanks everyone, trying to reply but it’s 2am here and I keep waking up my partner with my phone light in bed oops! One thing coming up a bit is around legal protections for me and my kid- we are in a country and state where de facto is the same as marriage for property and rights for separation and death, and we have wills in place to protect each other and our child- I definitely did not want to let that slide!

Also in Australia you need to give 1 months notice before you can marry so no spontaneous courthouse trips for us! But a registry wedding is most likely and what we have discussed in the past so that sort of wedding is fine with me. It’s not the party for me, it’s the cementing the status of our relationship and the commitment to each other.

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Hi everyone, I have been on this subreddit for about 4-5 years, and today I need your advices.

I have been married for 5 years and my wife has always been an anti-vaxx (even tho she claims not to be one, she find that word offensive)

The 1st time she ever heard about COVID in January 2020, she told me "you'll see in two weeks they will come up with a vaccine" In fact, she had already decided to be against the COVID vaccine, but now she pretends the problem comes from MRNA vaccines.

Anyway, long story short, this has been a subject of debate between us since 5 years, and none of us have changed position. I even watched the horrible "movie" Died Suddenly with her and I was surprised how she could be so gullible.

Now we are about to have a baby, and even if at first she was pretending to be against only flu and COVID vaccine, the more the time goes by the more she keep sending me bullshit videos about COVID vaccine.

I told her MANY TIMES that I don't want to talk about it with her (because it takes hours and it's useless) but still, every morning when she wakes up she sends me stupid shorts and reels from tiktok, Instagram or FB, I do not watch all of them, but I keep an eye just to know how far she is willing to go into the rabbit hole.

I am seriously thinking about having our baby vaccinated without her knowledge if we can't find a common ground.

I don't care about adults not wanting to be vaccinated, but for me to imagine having a baby without polio/tetanos/diphtheria vaccine is really the opposite of my convictions.

Now when she comes with the subject I just joke around saying that I am glad to be autistic and the world would be a better place with more autistic people.

Oh and when the vaccine was released around August/September 2020 she also told me that the vaccinated will be all dead during the next 6 months, of course she has totally "forgotten" she ever said that.

I am worrying that the BS videos she sends me are just the tip of the iceberg, and I really don't want to talk about it with her.

Thanks to everyone on this sub for helping me feeling less alone, and for everyone struggling with a Q, I hope the situation is gonna get better soon.

Happy new year, and thanks again for staying sane in the post-truth society

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bell_flower
Here's a different flavor. Guy is married to an anti-vaxer. Knocks her up and now they are arguing over vaccinating their child.

Big surprise. Why did this idiot get her pregnant? What did he think would happen?

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Idiots
I let my husband talk me into having a child, since he saw no future for the relationship if he had to give up having children

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And now look, you now have no future after having a child.

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Funny, I notice at no point in that whole post from r/regretfulparents did the Moo ever say they spank the brat when he acts like a violent shit.

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bell_flower
I don't believe in beating kids, but there is an age, particularly with little boys, that some kids are really evil and they need to understand, you hurt me, and you are going to get it back in spades. (Slap on the butt.)

Eventually they are going to meet someone in life who won't back down and won't take their shit, even if their parents do. And they are going to get shot by cops or something.

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“Hi all - long time member but finally posting after over 5 years of wanting to. I am 43 single female and always wanted children. I froze my eggs at 41 (only three eggs which is a very small number). To this day I have NO idea whether I should have children or not. At this age I would also have to make a call of trying to become pregnant via donor sperm and all on my own which I am unsure if that’s something I am fully comfortable with in the first place. My challenges - I suffer from chronic fatigue, endometriosis, adhd and depression (a few times I have had extremely debilitation depression where I couldn’t move and unable to work. I have been on medical leave from burnout and severe depression since last 8 months and slowly better and going have to work slowly. I will have zero to no support system from family and friends and I am quite exhausted every day as it is. I still feel like I want a child as it’s so meaningful for me but I am also aware that realistically it may not be the best path forward. It is an incredibly hard decision for me right now and grateful for any thoughts/advice from this community as I explore all perspectives. I have also spoken to psychologists about this dilemma but it hasn’t been helpful.”

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bell_flower
I've got to grab this one from the I Regret Having Children page because the author yanks it back.

WHY in the name of all things Holy does this woman want to have a child? 43 years old! Chronic fatigue, mental health problems. Doesn't even really mention liking children anywhere in her post.

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My daughter was born almost four years ago, my only child. Her father refused to sign the birth certificate at the hospital until he got a dna test. He said it was because of an ex cheating on him and saying he was the father when he wasn’t. So he said “to just make sure.” He wanted a dna test done. And said he would sign it after the results came back as him as the father. I didn’t argue with that request. I was in the hospital recovering for 5 days, I had a c-section. After being back home for a week, I was able to move around better. So we went to a local dna lab in town. A few days later we got a call, a 99.99% match to my ex. But he still questioned me because he has an identical twin brother, and he questioned the .01%. For about a month after my daughter was born, he held her, fed her, changed her, typical things. Then he stopped. He started sleeping with earplugs in because of her waking up and crying to be fed. He stopped changing her, he refused to hold her even while I was cooking. On her 1 year birthday, his mom and I both begged him to finally sign the birth certificate. Told him that what would she think when she got older and saw that he didn’t. But no matter how hard we tried, he didn’t. Due to domestic violence and sexual abuse from him for 5 years, I convinced myself to leave him. I decided to leave and move to Wyoming where my mom and brother were. I told my ex I just needed a few months with my mom. I was 32 at the time, haven’t had any time with my mom since I was 14. Told my ex, 6 months top, just so my daughter can meet her uncle and nana.

He said before I left he wanted to put his name on her birth certificate. I knew why he wanted to, because if I didn’t come back I could get charged with parental kidnapping. I convinced him to wait until I came back. I never went back. I’ve been in Wyoming for almost two years now.

He has visited a few times, her birthday, Mother’s Day, and Christmas. But he always left a few days before the intended date due to us fighting about me saying no to him for his sexual advances towards me but forced me to anyways(that’s how my daughter was conceived).

Fast forward to now, my daughter is happy, healthy and learning. And I’m scared that if he puts his name on her birth certificate and takes me to court for visitation or co-custody, that he will mess her life up. When I was pregnant, he said “all women are sluts. My mom, my sister, you… even our daughter are sluts”. That’s the mentality I refuse to let her be around and be raised by.

He believes that all women belong on their backs or on their knees. His favorite thing to say is “if you have time to sit, you have time to suck a dick.” I fear for my child if he gets co custody. He has hit me, body slammed me, twisted my ankle, chase me down in his truck, make me do sexually inappropriate things to him in public, almost gave me an std when I was 7 weeks pregnant when he cheated on me, punch me in the stomach, throw me down, literally kicked me out of bed and walk 5 miles to my dads when I didn’t want to have sex with him. Choke me, make me have sex with him 4 times a day everyday for 5 years. Didn’t wait until I was healed from my c-section to make me have sex with him.

He abused me for years and I refuse to let my daughter be around him. Am I in the right for moving away from him and keeping his name off her birth certificate? Or should I give him a chance to be her father even if we’re states away?

Edit: I blocked him on everything he has, Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook, phone number, even email. Even his siblings social media and his mother’s phone number. He’s called me from blocked numbers multiple times, and I told him if he calls me again I will put a restraining order on him. Haven’t heard from him in over a month.

Edit #2: He does not pay monthly child support. We were not married. He said he would never marry me.

Edit #3: Every time he did something to me, I messaged my mom and sent her pictures. She still has them.

Update: For the people asking me “why were you with him in the first place?” And “why did you stay that long with him?”, “why did you let him get you pregnant?”, “why did you want him on the birth certificate in the first place?” For these people I say, you obviously never been in an abusive relationship. He wasn’t like that in the first 6 months of our “relationship”. He was nice, understanding, sweet, caring, trustworthy, respectful, treated me right. He slowly started to change. He started to slowly isolate me from my family and friends. Told me that he was the only one I could depend on. Kept telling me that he “wanted me to be the best version of myself”. He got rougher during sex. Started to demand more and more from me. He took my self confidence and self esteem and broke it. He broke me mentally and emotionally. Had me convinced that I was nothing without him. I was dependent on him, the way he wanted me to be. I didn’t “let him get me pregnant”. I suffer from miscarriages, had 8 since I was 16. A condition I got from my dad being in contact from agent orange from the Vietnam war. I couldn’t keep a pregnancy more than 6 weeks. So when this pregnancy stuck, I was over the hills happy. Him raping me for 4 times a day everyday for 5 years, is what got me pregnant.

I didn’t want my little girl growing up thinking her daddy didn’t want her or love her, which is why I wanted his name on her birth certificate. My dad told me my whole life I wasn’t his, even though I am. I didn’t want her to question herself on why he didn’t sign it. But after a year of begging him to, I opened my eyes and said to myself I had enough, and left.

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’m making this on a throwaway account for my husband’s privacy. So backstory: I (20F) have been with my husband (20M) since senior year in high school. We legally married two years ago right before I shipped out to BMT. Our relationship was amazing, so many great memories and stories we have together, including those from high school.

Of course, everything changed when we moved in together. We grew up two very different lifestyles, his parents always let him do whatever he wanted, and never really made him do many chores. I grew up in a more abusive environment, sexually and physically, and had to walk on eggshells to please my parent.

Our problems started when I had to beg him to clean anything. Keep in mind I was working full time in the military while he stayed at home playing video games all day. I could only be home for about four hours a day at this time. The rest I had to spend at base. For about a week he would be able to do the dishes without being asked, but then he’d go right back to “forgetting” again.

I’m not sure how I found out, but I had found out he was watching an insane amount of porn everyday. Before we started dated, I had made it clear that porn was an issue to me, and that I refused to be with anyone who watched it, and he had agreed with me, claiming he only watched it once a week, but would easily stop for me, which I was under the impression that he did. The porn he was watching wasn’t normal porn though, he was watching gay porn. He’d only watched porn of dudes dressed as women doing each other. When I found out, I was a bit hurt, but tried to help him move on from his addiction.

We had gotten pretty far, about a year later I thought he was clean again. I was stationed where we are living now. I work a pretty normal schedule, and after that I was off duty, like a normal civilian job. I had gotten pregnant shortly after, and we were both scared, but accepting. I’m not sure what changed, but somehow to conversation of changing our sex popped up. He wanted to try a strap on. I was a bit nervous about this as I didn’t want him going down his gay porn path again, but I wanted to be supportive of his sexuality and needs. We tried it, and now it feels as though it’s all he wants. Normal sex isn’t the same anymore. We stopped doing the butt stuff for a while, but then it was brought up again. My sex drive had depleted during my pregnancy, but I really crave passionate sex, like how we were back in high school, but he wants the other stuff. At this point, it hurts me to even try to do him, my pelvis in in so much pain, but he still wants me to do it. I’m due in two weeks, and i really don’t want to leave him, as I don’t want to raise a baby girl by myself. I feel like I’m almost baby trapped and can’t leave.

He’s been getting more aggressive and today we had a bad argument, he had gotten a belt and had threatened to beat me if I didn’t shut up and apologize to him for the argument we were in. He said I was making him this way. He’s also been late every single day to his part time job, he works about 20 hours a week, but constantly complains about the job and wanting to quit, and always gets distracted playing his video games, making him late. He says the job isn’t serious but we really really need the extra money. I worked hard to even get him that job, he didn’t even want to start working. I just feel so disconnected and unsure of what to do. I feel so empty and sad, but I feel like I can’t talk about it as it would only start arguments. We argued right before he went to work today because I was so fed up with him being late, I started crying, he left to go to work at the time he should’ve been at work. The screenshot I’ve uploaded was the text he sent me after he’d gotten to work. There’s a lot of reasons as to why I want to leave him, but these are the triggering factors.

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I hope this isn’t the wrong sub. I thought he was sober but I was wrong. I’m not sure how long he’s been hiding it but I’m terrified. He goes to work 1 days a week because I am supporting us working hard while 6 months pregnant. I work 6pm-6:30am Wednesday-Saturday. I got suspicious this week and turned our baby’s monitor on to detect motion. Around 2am she woke up crying. He didn’t respond to her or my calls at 2:15am. I rush home immediately. Watching our baby cry herself to sleep. I just knew.

I came home to him naked on the couch. I saw the redbull and pedialyte and just knew. A pot of chicken on the ground with some pieces on the floor I’m guessing our cat got to. I searched. A water bottle filled with whatever alcohol. Checked our baby first. She’s okay luckily. I feel bad for my actions now but in the moment I dumped it on him. It was the only thing that would wake him up anyways. I just said, “I’m done.” I have stayed with him in the past even when he did this to me while pregnant with our first but to think of the possibility of anything happening to our daughter and he is “home” is enough for me. I can’t do it anymore. He has no car, no license (procrastinating DUI courses) and barely a job. It’s actually been super helpful that he’s home to watch our baby as we don’t have the money to have a babysitter without him working. But he’s now shown that he can’t watch her. He has family that will always take him but he’s on our lease we have for another 5 months. I don’t know what to do now. I have no community. No one to reach out to. They understandably left me when I went back to him while they stood with the police that came for a welfare check. I’m so lost. So torn. So hurt. I don’t know how to support our kids with no one.

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We are a married, interracial, heterosexual couple living in Europe. We’ve been together for 8 years, since our 20s. I’ve always wanted to have a child, while my husband has been indifferent at best. For whatever reason, he would only agree to unprotected intercourse during my fertile windows. Until now, we’ve only had protected sex. He has expressed his concerns about having a child, saying it would be expensive, limit his passion for traveling the world, affect his job, drain his energy, and make his life revolve around the child until they turn 18. His perspective on having a child seems entirely negative.

I’ve told him that his fears are valid, but I reminded him that we would be in it together. I don’t have my family in Europe, we don’t have a helper, we both work full-time, my body would undergo significant changes, I’d endure hormonal fluctuations, and my social life would also change—so having a child would be more taxing on me. Still, I love the idea of having my own little family here and raising good humans.

It was all understandable until our fight yesterday. He agreed to welcome a child into our family because I wanted it and have waited so long. However, he said he would only be willing to pay up to 60% of the extra health insurance costs that cover my pregnancy and labor—around €21 per month for "our future baby." He also said he doesn’t want to feel like a “slave” during my pregnancy or after labor. He claimed he wants to help but doesn’t want to feel pressured to go above and beyond. He said he feels burdened by the expectation that, as a man, he must shoulder the financial responsibility, especially since I work full-time, and he accused me of demanding too much.

His salary is more than twice mine, and he takes pride in his investments and shares. During the argument, he raised his voice, talked down to me, and called me an idiot for mentioning that his level of contribution feels like the bare minimum. He also called me stupid for pointing out that he seems more willing to spend money on his golf gear than on our future child.

I don’t think this is the right mentality to have when welcoming a child, and I’m increasingly doubtful that he’s ready to be a dad. That realization hurts. In the heat of the argument, I told him to forget about having a baby because I no longer want to have one with him.

What I said to him was surely hurtful, but the possibility of not having a child because of this situation has crushed me. I feel like my judgment was clouded by emotions and tension. What would you do if you were in my position? Am I overreacting?

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The entirety of my existence revolves around and is completely controlled by the wants, needs and problems of kids. I’m a stay at home dad. My son is 10 and my daughter is 6. I feel like a human ping pong ball just getting endlessly whacked back and forth between two insatiably needy and perpetually discontented and problem-creating bottomless pits of want. It begins the moment they wake up and continues until they are finally unconscious. Every single thing that should be relatively sane and easy, like meals, getting ready for school, going to a grocery store or a restaurant, bedtime etc, is made unreasonably difficult for no good reason other than to make things hard. They disagree about everything, demand that everything is always the other’s fault, refuse to admit responsibility for any actions, refuse to apologize and can’t get along for more than 10 minutes before someone is screaming and/or crying and running to me to tattle.

I cannot win and I live in a state of being continuously on edge and full of dread for whatever grinder they will put me through on any given day. School is the only reprieve and only peace I ever have but one or the other has been sick since mid- November and I have at least one kid at home more days than not. Christmas was an epic shitshow of excess, home destruction and the mayhem of overstimulated kids with waaay too much loot to even be able to concentrate on any particular gift (this is an ongoing issue…I say less is more and fosters appreciation for getting new things, wife says it ain’t Christmas without a mountain of useless crap to tear into). I have come to hate Christmas as all meaning has been stripped in favor of wasteful gluttony IMO. All my seed-planting about what is actually important in life is no match for the targeted messaging aimed at them 24/7/365 that instant gratification is their god-given birthright (and I think that’s a big reason WHY they are this way). Despite my best efforts I am failing as a parent. Mentally/emotionally/physically I am completely fried and do not enjoy parenthood or life very much at all”.

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My husband and I have a significant age difference. I am 32 and he is 56. We have two young children together. We have been together for 12 years. We have enough money to get by, and then some. However, my husband is the sole income provider. I have a very independent nature and am starting to get annoyed that I always have to ask him for/about money. So I’m thinking of picking up a part time waitressing shift. I feel odd about it because like I said we are relatively well-off. I wouldn’t be making much, but over time it would add up and I think it would feel good to have my own bank account with my own little income. What do you think?

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Every single thing that should be relatively sane and easy, like meals, getting ready for school, going to a grocery store or a restaurant, bedtime etc, is made unreasonably difficult for no good reason other than to make things hard.

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So, last April my husband had an affair for many months and I found out about it. I wanted to leave but he got extremely verbally abusive, said he refused to leave the house (I had nowhere else to go), and then he threatened to take the kids. I stayed just due to being afraid of change, and the fear of losing my kids.

Fast forward to now, reality has set in that this isn’t the life I want for myself. We were already growing apart when he cheated, and he promised it would get better but it changed for maybe a month.

Today during an argument I suggested divorce. He went ballistic and flipped out and told me to get the hell out. I said I had nowhere to go and he couldn’t make me leave. He said “yes I can you’re the one who wants this not me so get out”. His manager owns it and we live rent free. Anyway I kissed the ring and just said I was just upset about how things had been and spoke irrationally. Im working with my mom on a plan where the moves close by in the next few months, gets an apartment, gets it furnished so that when that time comes I can just leave and immediately have a place move-in ready for my 2 young girls.

I know that when I leave it’s going to get messy. He’s told me he would unalive himself. I honestly am worried about my safety if I leave and I’m worried he would take the kids from me if he knew where I was. I can’t lose my daughters.

I don’t want it to get messy but I know he’s going to. I’ve started gathering evidence of his temper. Videos of my daughter telling me he slapped her on the head when she accidentally hit her sister with a door, me talking to him asking him to not “play choke” our kids, and me asking him about a scenario last week where he said he was going to stomp our dachshund with his boot and unalive her.

I know I’m making him seem like an absolutely horrible dad, but he’s not. I know he loves them but he thinks since he was raised like that and it “taught him to be tough” that it’s ok.

What steps do I need to take to make sure I’m safe and that he can’t withhold my girls from me? He’s never actually hit me. He’s gotten overly rough with me “playing” like he does with the kids but that’s it- my youngest actually asked last week why sometimes daddy plays like he’s choking me. The way his personality has changed though, I do feel worried for my safety. I don’t want to take them from him completely because they love their dad, but if things get nasty I will have to show the evidence I have.

ETA if this makes a difference. My job is very in demand, healthcare. I make over double what he makes.

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Shut-up ring and 2 babies later; my pick-me chronicles
Get ready for this one, y’all. A real doozy of a cautionary tale.

F33 and M36, together 8.5 years, 2 babies together. When we met in our mid/late 20s it was a casual thing and we were both over dating and despite this, it grew into a serious relationship kind of slowly at first as we got to know each other. He was everything I wanted in a man, if maybe a little less ambitious than I liked. I moved in around year 2.5 (his mom owns the property and intends to sell it to both of us for a few thousand after we pay off the mortgage in a few years). We had the marriage talk and it was very much “I want to and intend on marrying you, I just have issues with the institution of marriage. We will likely get common-law married.” Ok, that didn’t matter because I never saw myself having a ceremony due to my anxiety and that seemed more intimate and special to me.

Y’all. Now common low marriage isn’t even good enough for him.

3 years ago when I was pregnant with our first I brought up marriage again as having a baby out of wedlock wasn’t my favorite idea. He bought me a $200 ring (that’s fine idc about cost, but he didn’t even ask me what I liked!) that doesn’t even look like an engagement ring, it looks like costume jewelry and I never wear it. I bought my own ring that I like). And he “proposed” to me in the living room while I was big as a house, tired, and in the middle of doing chores. I said yes and that’s when i brought up Quaker marriage. You see the Quaker’s didn’t believe in officiants or anything (i didn’t get this part exactly right—it has to be a legal marriage AND YOU HAVE TO BE A QUAKER TOO LOL) so we could just hold hands and say we are married between us and God. So that’s what we did,and now he calls me his wife. It was at this point (maybe a little before honestly) that I stopped caring. I work a corporate job remotely, and am on a good career trajectory despite being a college dropout. But I have a wonderful 401k, land I bought in another state as either investment property or just to hold onto for my kids.

Now the kids: we had our first in 2022 and at 6 months postpartum I found out I was pregnant with our second. I have always wanted to be a mother more than I ever wanted a wedding or a ring. And to be honest he is a great father. I WFH and watch the kids so we don’t have to spend the money on daycare, and he helps me when I need time to focus or when I’m in meetings. He’s a contractor and works part time in the evenings so he doesn’t have any retirement and I’m basically going to support him/us into our old age godwilling, since I make more than he does.

At this point I don’t even know if I want to marry him anymore. I asked him if he could stop calling me his wife and his response was “why do you hurt me like this?” I responded that it sounds silly and stupid to be called a wife when I’m not one, he can call me his partner or girlfriend or baby mama. But just not his wife. I stopped calling him my husband. He’s been asking if I still love him and if I’m planning on “getting skinny and leaving” because I’m on a diet and losing weight. 1. I wouldn’t do that to our kids—they absolutely adore him. And 2., as a personal choice I would not date while my children are minors, unless I found a sane and stable single dad and that’s a big “if.”

I just find myself insulted by the title he’s given me that he never bothered to earn.

I fully understand my role in my situation. I stayed, I got pregnant, I went through with the pregnancies, I never pressed him about timeline enough, I could have left (and believe me I did try a few years in, but I just loved him too much to follow through). We have a pretty good relationship all things considered, our sex life is amazing (hence the babies). He’s my best friend and there aren’t any trust issues…just sometimes he’s not very romantic and this is kind of evident in the way he’s handled the marriage talk.

Has anyone ever known a couple to stay together, raise kids, and stay together into old age without being married?

Or has anyone here ever just given up, lost the desire, and stopped holding their breath for what would never come?

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bell_flower
The universal thing over on Reddit is when some woman says the guy is a "good father." That seems to be code for: abusive, otherwise-unemployable layabout/leech of a manchild who plays video games night and day and is worthless in the relationship department.

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I think the dehumanization of my child, the lack of compassion and empathy by so many in the comments of this post is why children with disabilities are so often hurt inside public schools.

Edit: We are in Mississippi

Edit: There is video footage of what they did to which I have seen, I’m the only one who has seen it because they would only allow me to view it. His therapist tried to view it and we were told by the district they would only allow me to view it. Once the footage was given to police, they now tell everyone no one can view it because it became “evidence of a crime.” He was literally laying on a rug quietly, the video footage proves it.

Edit: he was forced to this school by the district because the school he was at prior ended the program he was in that was housed at that school. Mental health professionals told them not to move him, they wrote letters, they told him he was afraid of the school that he could not handle the transition, they still forced him there. We did file a state complaint when that happened, they changed there story and told the state they did not end the program that they placed it at every school so he had to go to his home school, we knew they were lying and we told MDE he would get hurt at this school, they still sided with the district and he was forced to this school and they did in fact hurt him because they did not have the resources to help him.

Edit: yes, prior to him entering this school we requested homebound so that his therapist could help him slowly and safely transition into the school, his doctor wrote a letter stating that is what he needed, his therapist attended the iep meeting stating that was what he needed, that district rejected it and said they did not have to follow the recommendations of those people and he was forced into the school, and then they drug him. I did fight to keep him out of that school, I did. They forced him. They hurt him. To the ones trying to justify this, saying my son “must have been doing more” you’re truly sad.

Edit: he laying in the special ed resource room on a rug in the corner of the room. If he wasn’t allowed to exist in a special ed resource room, where exactly would you all like him to exist?? Just not inside school at all? He wasn’t in a gen ed room. Where exactly was he allowed to be if not in a special education room? Please tell me? Or should kids with disabilities just not exist in public school? Because that’s what it sounds like some of you are saying?

Edit: oh I fought for an aac, he was given an iPad with emojis, and when that did not work it was taken away, he fought for a technology communication assessment, it was never given.

Edit: They were in the process of doing a new FBA, he had a BIP, the bip included a DRI for the very behavior of falling to the floor and staying there. The DRI I created because they didn’t know what to do, and the psychologist in the iep meeting let them know that was best practice for that behavior. They were mad he had a DRI, the principal told me a few days prior to dragging him that she didn’t “have to resources” to implement the DRI. They forced him to that school maintained they had the resources to help him, I knew they didn’t. If you don’t know what a DRI is and you think you have the right to comment on how they drug my son, and how you think that was the right way to modify that behavior, you don’t, because you obviously don’t know how modifying behavior using data works.

I don’t get how this is legal or okay. I don’t get how no one got in trouble for this.

My son is now 9, he has autism and selective mutism, so he doesn’t speak to anyone really but me or his dad.

A year ago my son was laying on a rug in the special education room and when he wouldn’t get up his principal picked up the rug, pulled it up and just drug him. His special ed teacher swiped her badge to open the doors of the school for his principal to keep dragging him.

His special ed teacher was also restraining him as we were leaving in that school and we did not know. The day before he was drug was the day I found out and asked for the incident reports for his special ed teacher doing this. To this day, I’ve never received them.

In March we moved to get him into a different school district and they’ve worked so hard to try to help him get past this, but today he was home bounded and they agreed to pay for him to go to a therapeutic school.

He is so terrified of school, he is terrified to be away from me or his dad, he drops to the ground immediately in the parking lot of school, if we try to leave he runs out of the school, starts fighting, and throwing things until the school tells us we’ve got to take him home.

At this point he is in complete academic failure, he hasn’t completed a single assignment in 3 months and hasn’t been to school for more than 2 hours in over a month.

We’ve spoken with therapists, BCBA’s, psychologists who have said he is so traumatized and afraid that his behavior has become instinctual because he has learned he is only safe if mom and dad are with him.

His new school agreed to pay for a therapeutic school because the only program they have is for aggressive behaviors where they restrain kids and that would be the worst thing for him, the therapeutic school here said they will do a “trial” with him to see if they can even get him in the building but that they don’t know if they can help him that if they can’t get him in the building they don’t want to make things worse for him.

The principal at the therapeutic school even said we’re probably having a lot of trouble getting him help because most schools are designed for when kids are being aggressive and defiant and his behavior is not from that is from trauma, and the treatment he needs is extremely expensive and complex.

We have an advocate who said if the therapeutic school rejects him his current district is going to then have to pay for the bcba that offers the tolerance building and skills based treatment that he is needing to help this along with the emotional aspect of it since this is what is the barrier to him accessing public school is.

Before that school did that to him, he was in general ed over 90 percent of the day, he was a straight a student, he had gotten to the point that he loved his school, he was even talking and advocating for himself at school!

Nothing happened to these people, the special ed teacher that was restraining him, got a promotion after we pulled my son from that district.

I am just so angry. I am so mad.

My sons iep didn’t protect him. It did nothing.

I hold so much anger. I watch my son struggle as those people faced no consequences.

I just do t understand how this was okay? I don’t get it.

He did nothing to deserve this.

There reason for doing this to him was that “they needed to use the room for magic time” and he “wouldn’t get up” it was literally in his iep that the room he was in was the room he was supposed to be in if he was having a hard time. He was doing nothing but laying there.

I’ll never grasp how this is okay. Ever.

Edit: regarding the falling to the floor behavior It normally happened in the parking lot and there was a DRI in place for the behavior, it was in the iep if he was very stressed or very anxious for them to call me. They did not call me until noon and told me they had not touched him or done anything to him that he just would not get up and was being defiant, I was not aware they had moved him, nor did they tell me. I was trying to work with them and told them if he was truly being defiant to follow their discipline protocols, so they wrote him up and suspended him. When he got home he went and layed in my closet, the only thing we could get him to say was “I didn’t walk, I closed my eyes, they forced me” I had no idea what he was talking about. When he returned to school I asked the sped teacher how he was moved and she responded with, “honestly I don’t remember I have a headache right now” at that point I knew something happened and sent an email stating I wanted to see the camera footage. It took three days and multiple emails and me stating I knew my rights under FERPA to get a response. That afternoon(3 days later) the principal called me and said, “regarding how we moved your son, I drug him” the next morning both I and his mental health therapist arrived at the school to view the video footage and we were told that if I wanted to see the footage, only I could watch it and I could not record it, they would not allow his therapist to view it. To this day, his new school has not been able to view the footage, his therapist has not been able to view the footage, they will not release the footage to anyone.

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There is a difference between abuse/neglect and doing what is necessary to ensure your child's safety.