Breakingmom Tales: Or A Collection of Stupidity & Dumb Choices

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Throw away account because I need to get this off my chest ! I’m furious and overwhelmed. My sister was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s at 40. At first she thought it was early perimenopause brain fog, but after a bunch of tests the doctors confirmed it was Alzheimer’s. She already had two kids (12 F and 6 M) and had divorced a year before. The divorce was ugly at first, but she and her ex eventually figured things out and became great coparents.

Because of the diagnosis she had to quit her job, so she’s living on alimony and child support. Then she met a new boyfriend. Six months later he moved in with her and the kids. We all said it was too fast, but she insisted he was “the one.”

Four months after he moved in she got pregnant. Everyone begged her not to continue the pregnancy, including me. I told her straight up: “Who is going to take care of this baby when your illness gets worse?” She insisted her boyfriend was excited and would step up, that her kids were “thrilled,” and that the baby gave her hope.

Now she called me on Friday , sobbing because she caught him cheating and he left. Just… walked out. She asked her ex-husband if he could take care of the baby in the future when she’s no longer able, and he said he can’t because he already has to take care of their two kids.

Now she’s about to give birth and is scrambling for a backup plan within the family. Worst part is everyone is suddenly looking at me. My husband and I are child free by choice, but people keep hinting that we should “step up.”

I’m mad at her for ignoring every warning. I’m mad at her boyfriend for bailing. Her kids (who she claimed were thrilled) are angry because they know this baby will become their responsibility. And I’m angry that people think I should fix this. I love my sister, but I’m exhausted and resentful, and I hate that I was right about all of this.

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My DIL and son had a child about 3 months ago. This is the first grand on both sides. Both sets of grandparents live very close. DIL is from a very enmeshed, culturally different family than mine, and she had a difficult pregnancy.

I was asked not to kiss baby. I did kiss her pajama feet on one visit and I *accidentally * instinctively kissed the back of her head last week. DIL read me the riot act. I accepted responsibility for my actions and later on that weekend, I suggested that I mask up when visiting baby so that I had a physical reminder to not kiss baby. DIL thought I was making a joke out of my kissng baby’s head and son then wrote me a nasty text telling me how I am disrespectful of their boundaries and this is no joke. Now I was aware from her birth that they did not want kissing. And I have tried my hardest not to kiss her. It is hard! When I realized I kissed the back of her head, I apologized profusely in the moment and, as stated earlier, accepted responsibility for my actions. Now they will not respond to my texts. They will not send pictures. There are so many more layers to this, I feel DIL has totally changed since becoming pregnant. We never had any issues until now. ( they have been together for about 8 years, married 3).

I was supportive during her pregnancy, checking on her a few times a week, which was all that was permitted. No chance To be involved in helping to plan baby shower , same with wedding. It’s her and her mom and since I am not of the same nationality, it feels as if I am not worthy of being involved in their lives.

Since the baby’s birth, I have brought them dinner weekly- not a thank you to be uttered, only criticism when I made a dish they did not care for. Actually , there is never a thank you for anything I do for them. . What to do? I check in w them maybe twice a week and ALWAYS ask permission to visit. I am aware that they need their space. They are overwhelmed, she’s hormonal, both are stressed. This is so, so hurtful.

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MartyrGrannyMoo
I take care of my daughter‘s child from 3AM and then I take her to school and I pick her up from school and I stay there, because school is across the street. I do laundry. I do their dishes… I clean their house- I buy clothes for my granddaughter.
I have to stay overnight from Sunday night until Wednesday after 4pm. Many times she stops at the grocery store. Many times it’s not the grocery store. My daughter told me she was going to get me an Alexa show 5 for Christmas , which is the lowest one for 59 bucks so if I wanted to get some lightbulbs for home I should do that. I was so excited. This is the exact one that I wanted. So Christmas morning. I went to my daughter‘s house with loads of gifts… Gifts I wanted to give them, my daughter and her partner, and my granddaughter, not felt obligated to give them. Passed out all the gifts and then I felt unwanted. It was just an unease in the room. My ex-husband showed up and brought me a Christmas gift and I told him thank you… I had not expected a gift from him. After about 35 minutes, my daughter brought out a big gift bag and handed it to me. To hold… While their dad opened their gift. And then said that that gift was also for their dad. I patiently waited while he opened all of his gifts. He’s a great father and probably takes them out for dinner once a month. After about an hour, my granddaughter‘s father came to pick her up and people had decided to go home at that same time also. At this point, I have accepted the point that my daughter did not get the Alexa and it just was what it was. Was I disappointed? Yes, of course. Was I surprised? A little bit… Am I OK? Yes I’m OK but I am angry because I give so much more than I have physically and emotionally to my two income household daughter without anything in return. Not a bookmark. Not a card. Not a sweatshirt. Not anything to say thank you for all you do for me. I don’t get paid for babysitting and I wouldn’t expect to. I don’t consider it babysitting. I consider it helping out like a grandmother would do if they could. I also devote my entire summer to them so that my daughter doesn’t have to pay for daycare. I just feel really sad because I do so much for them and I did not understand that until this Christmas that I am not appreciated or unvalued? I guess that’s all… But if I didn’t say something, I was going to explode eventually. I’m going to have to draw a boundary line with my daughter and her partner. I am a 55-year-old disabled person that cannot drive in the dark or the rain, which is why I have to sleep there from Sunday to Wednesday and I just realized I am seen as only a person, and I am unvalued. I would’ve been extremely happy with a framed picture that my granddaughter painted for me. I just wanted to be seen.

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Mooooo
If she called me and asked me to come, I would drop whatever I’m doing and I would go. I’ve canceled doctor appointments to help her. I put off a surgical procedure because it was summer vacation. I don’t want my granddaughter to ever have to worry that someone won’t be there. Because I will always be there, but I’m going to have to figure out a way to be there differently.

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Mooooo
Yes, it’s not easy… I also use crutches to walk because I had a stroke in 2011 and 2016. If this wasn’t the case, I would also just walk across the street to take my granddaughter to school. In the winter in Chicago. But it would be a great memory. I’m not going to let my granddaughter suffer because of my daughters, I don’t know what the word is here…. Went home and I had a good cry. It’s just sitting with me every day I talk to my dad about it today finally. I linked him to my post. He said he knows it’s not about the gift… And he has an Alexa in a box he will give to me. But he understands that it’s not about Alexa. It’s about the fact that how much I do because he knows how much I do. When her electricity got turned off in the summer, I’m the one that paid the $1200 bill I didn’t ask to be repaid. I just wanted my granddaughter to have electricity during summer break when it’s 98° outside. We just had a big snow storm and I’m the one that made sure she had snow pants because she did not. I bought her gloves. Before I did any of these things I asked my daughter first if she had them and she asked me to get them.

I really felt important to her. I think by doing these things and now I see that it’s not about doing things. It’s about something totally different. I don’t really know what I’m trying to say. I don’t know how to set boundaries yet, but I’m gonna have to read a book or something

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Hi everyone. I’m posting here very intentionally because I’m looking for honest perspectives from people who were once on the fence about having kids and ultimately chose to have them and now regret it.

For context, I’m 38, married for 8 years and with my partner for 13. I have a successful career and am financially very comfortable. I froze my eggs a few years ago because I’ve been uncertain about kids my entire life and wanted to preserve the option. Three years later, I still don’t feel
a strong desire to have them.

I’m a first generation immigrant and an only child. I carried a lot of responsibility growing up, both emotionally and logistically for my parents and still run both my household and theirs and have been since a young age. I stayed close to home, 5 mins away and haven’t left so I could always take care of my parents. My dad just passed away a couple months ago after a 20 year battle with brain cancer, and that experience has been deeply exhausting and sobering. I coordinated and attended every doctor appointment, surgery, and filled the role of a medical oncologist advocating and assisting with his comprehensive cancer treatments for 2 decades, all the way up to hospice and was by his side on his last breath. I will do the same for my mom when it’s her time.

I’m currently the primary breadwinner and carry most of the mental load at home for both households still while also holding a demanding director level role in a global Fortune 500 tech organization. Even without kids, I often feel depleted. Example: I’m just trying to find consistency in keeping my gym schedule to take care of myself which I realize would go out the window with kids since I’m having a hard time maintaining it without. This makes me question my capacity and whether adding children would push me into resentment rather than fulfillment.

A couple years ago I had a 5 lb tumor removed from my uterus. When doctors told me it might affect my ability to have children, I noticed I cared about losing the choice, but I didn’t feel grief at the idea of not having kids themselves.

My husband is also indifferent and leans toward not wanting children. We love our current life. We travel, enjoy good food all over the world and collect wine, ski in our backyard city, host parties, have hobbies and greatly value flexibility and calm with our two cats. My mom pressures me to have kids because she says she wants me to have a version of me when I’m her age, while my dad always believed the decision should ultimately be mine- even though I know he preferred I had them, but cared more about my agency.

What I’m struggling with is that I’ve never felt strong maternal instincts, and I’ve always wondered why. When I see other women sad about not being able to have kids or knowing that they always wanted them, I can’t say I’ve ever felt that. I’ve tried to search and dig for those desires somewhere in me for years but they’re just not there. I feel ridiculous saying I’m exhausted most of the time now living a blessed and very privileged, relatively low stress life by most standards, which makes me question how I’d cope with the permanent physical, emotional, and identity shift of parenthood. I’m probably not cut out for it at all. At the same time, I worry about missing something irreversible.

The only reasons I can identify for having kids are the following.

First, fear of missing out on what people describe as the deepest, most profound, unconditional love and joy. The spiritual or existential miracle of creating and raising a human. I want to understand whether this is truly incomparable or if it is partly romanticized. I also don’t “need” someone to love me, I am very comfortable in my own skin and I recognize bringing life into this world would require more of me giving myself than having any expectation of receiving, but would I be missing out on this ultimate “joy” that you can’t experience outside of having kids?

Second, after losing my dad, I have existential fears about being an only child, possibly outliving my spouse, and facing old age, sickness or death without close family (my mom’s fear for me outside of just wanting grandkids). I know children are not a guarantee of companionship or care, I don’t think all kids are like me and take care of their parents along every step of the way, and I would never expect that of them, but the fear is still there.

Third, social conditioning and pressure. I’m curious whether people like me ultimately said yes due to timing, pressure, fear of missing out on having the “perfect family structure of a marriage and kids”, fear of regret, societal expectations, or because it felt like “the thing you are supposed to do”- never stopped to question if it was the right thing to do, and only realized later that it wasn’t right for them.

For those of you who regret having kids, I would really appreciate your honesty.
If you were on the fence and had a stable, comfortable life before kids, what specifically tipped you toward having them? Looking back, was that reason intrinsic or was it driven by pressure, fear, or expectations?

Do you feel the unconditional love, meaning, or fulfillment people talk about actually outweighs the loss of autonomy, energy, and identity, or do you feel that narrative is overstated? I know deep, unconditional love for your kids can coexist with regret- I am wondering if your regret outweighs the said unconditional love you’re supposed to get from this experience.

For someone like me, do you think I would truly be missing out on something essential by not having kids, or simply choosing a different but equally valid life path where I’d actually have a higher chance of being happier without them?
I know this group has a particular lens but that is exactly why I’m asking here. I want perspectives from people who thought deeply, chose anyway, and now perhaps regret it.

I’m trying to make a clear eyed, honest, data backed decision rather than a fear based or conformist one. Thank you to anyone willing to share candidly.”

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bastet-the-bass-cat


And my 2 ct on that - rich people in power use that, because they want the poor or 'middle-class' (that this lady probably belongs to from the info given) to breed. Firstly, they need wage slaves and consumers. And they want the ruled class to be too burnt out and too dependant to start opposing in any way. Manipulating the ruled class into breeding achieves both, securing fodder for the rich, their worker/consumer hell, and their wars too. And making these workers so loaded and miserable with work, bratcare and all connected expenses that any revolution against the rich and ruling class would be very unlikely.
The well-being of children and adults alike is actively destroyed for all but the ruling class.

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bell_flower


It's a common post on this page, where someone wants to hear what others think before they make a decision. Social media and all its performative aspects have turned so many of the younger people into morons. I just do not understand the angst and all the gnashing of teeth about the decision.



A lot of us on this forum have been around for decades, so I ask you: What's up with the performative nature of all these questions? They are all over Reddit too. People who obviously have little interest in sprogging feel compelled to conduct polls