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Asshole Given Up For Adoption Decides To Blow Up Bioparents Lives

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/g9nhjo/aita_for_publicly_revealing_who_my_biological/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

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AITA for publicly revealing who my biological parents are on Facebook and kind of messing things up for them?

I was given up for adoption when I was a baby by my parents who were 19 years old.

Due to reasons, I was taken from my adoptive parents and put in foster care when I was 11 and remained in the system until I went to college.

When I turned 18, I was given my mother's contact information by someone. I found out she was married to my biological father. They had public profiles on Facebook and Instagram. I ended up messaging my mother who never responded.

I then tried to message my father who basically replied saying that he's sorry but they would rather not have me in their lives. That it took them a while to grieve over giving me up and that they don't want to go through all that pain again.

Well at this point I got pretty pissed because I think it's kind of shitty they think they can prevent me from knowing the rest of my family.

I ended up messaging my grandmother (my mother's mom) who was actually happy to know me. I met her in person and we really bonded.

I also have two younger siblings but I didn't contact them after what my father said.

Well four months ago, I saw my father post of a picture of them at some Church event and say "my beautiful wife and our two amazing kids".

This was on their church Facebook page. This was probably wrong but I replied with a comment saying "Don't you mean three kids?"

I didn't really expect the amount of people responding to that as I did. There were a bunch of people my parents knew that started asking questions. I freaked out and deleted my comment.

Then I started getting dms from people, including people I was related to. Later that day, my grandmother made a post confirming I was a child given up for adoption.

So now, I started making connections with some extended family and have been to a few family parties. My parents have been told they aren't invited unless they accept me which they haven't.

The whole drama has kind of messed with their lives and business. My parents are now apparently separated. I don't really accept that as my fault.

AITA for doing what I did?

And this is why abortion needs to stay legal and accessible.

------------------------------------------------------------
"Why children take so long to grow? They eat and drink like pig and give nothing back. Must find way to accelerate process..."
- Dr. Yi Suchong, Bioshock

"Society does not need more children; but it does need more loved children. Quite literally, we cannot afford unloved children - but we pay heavily for them every day. There should not be the slightest communal concern when a woman elects to destroy the life of her thousandth-of-an-ounce embryo. But all society should rise up in alarm when it hears that a baby that is not wanted is about to be born."
- Garrett Hardin

"I feel like there's a message involved here somehow, but then I couldn't stop laughing at all the plotholes, like the part when North Korea has food."
- Youtube commentor referring to a North Korean cartoon.

"Reality is a bitch when it slowly crawls out of your vagina and shits in your lap."
- Reddit comment

"Bitch wants a baby, so we're gonna fuck now. #bareback"
- Cambion

Oh whatever. Abortion doctors are crimestoppers."
- Miss Hannigan
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paragon schnitzophonic
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/g9nhjo/aita_for_publicly_revealing_who_my_biological/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

Quote

AITA for publicly revealing who my biological parents are on Facebook and kind of messing things up for them?

I was given up for adoption when I was a baby by my parents who were 19 years old.

Due to reasons, I was taken from my adoptive parents and put in foster care when I was 11 and remained in the system until I went to college.

When I turned 18, I was given my mother's contact information by someone. I found out she was married to my biological father. They had public profiles on Facebook and Instagram. I ended up messaging my mother who never responded.

I then tried to message my father who basically replied saying that he's sorry but they would rather not have me in their lives. That it took them a while to grieve over giving me up and that they don't want to go through all that pain again.

Well at this point I got pretty pissed because I think it's kind of shitty they think they can prevent me from knowing the rest of my family.

I ended up messaging my grandmother (my mother's mom) who was actually happy to know me. I met her in person and we really bonded.

I also have two younger siblings but I didn't contact them after what my father said.

Well four months ago, I saw my father post of a picture of them at some Church event and say "my beautiful wife and our two amazing kids".

This was on their church Facebook page. This was probably wrong but I replied with a comment saying "Don't you mean three kids?"

I didn't really expect the amount of people responding to that as I did. There were a bunch of people my parents knew that started asking questions. I freaked out and deleted my comment.

Then I started getting dms from people, including people I was related to. Later that day, my grandmother made a post confirming I was a child given up for adoption.

So now, I started making connections with some extended family and have been to a few family parties. My parents have been told they aren't invited unless they accept me which they haven't.

The whole drama has kind of messed with their lives and business. My parents are now apparently separated. I don't really accept that as my fault.

AITA for doing what I did?

And this is why abortion needs to stay legal and accessible.

Thank you for stealing the words from my keyboard.

+++++++++++++

Passive Aggressive
Master Of Anti-brat
Excuses!
Re: Asshole Given Up For Adoption Decides To Blow Up Bioparents Lives
April 29, 2020
I think they were being at least semi-reasonable right up until the "don't you mean three kids" Facebook comment. I wouldn't do it myself, but I can understand the desire to reach out to your birth parents. However, when they make it clear they don't want anything to do with you, that means you leave them the fuck alone, not make passive aggressive comments on their social media pages that could very easily drive a wedge into their family, which it seems like it did.

It sounds like a matter of an accidental pregnancy and neither one was ready for a child or could afford one, so they gave it up. It sounds like it was a painful decision that they've tried to forget so they can move on with their lives. The author's circumstances suck (I wonder why she was taken away - lousy parents or terrible child?), but her biological parents have made it clear that they want nothing to do with him/her. This should be the end of it. Given the entitlement of the author, it sounds like the parents gave away the right kid and weren't missing out on much. They did what was best for them and for their kid, but apparently that wasn't enough.

This shit is why abortion should be legal right up until the loaf is officially born and outside the uterus. It's often not as easy as just giving a kid to the state and calling it a day because there's no telling if they'll show up on your doorstep 20 years later wanting to meet their family or stalking you online.

I don't understand the logic of "I want to meet people who didn't want me." Just... why? Surely if they wanted their child they surrendered, they would have had a more open adoption so they could keep in touch with the child. But if you grow up not knowing your bio parents, it's because they don't want anything to do with you.
Re: Asshole Given Up For Adoption Decides To Blow Up Bioparents Lives
April 29, 2020
Maybe the adoptive parents drop kicked him/her into foster care. The comments are closed on the reddit site.
I am not necessarily on Team Kid's side. She should have left the parents alone when they wanted no contact. However, I do feel sympathy for her, because if she was taken away from her adoptive parents at age 11, some serious crap must have been going on. In the days before DNA I used to tell myself if I ever found out I was not related to my mom, I would run and never look back because she did so some shitty neglectful things as a parent.

The parents have every right not to want to see her, but something seems off with the parents in that situation. I wonder if they are religious nut jobs or people who want to Keep Up AppearancesTM for the sake of the church and they are embarrassed that they had a kid out of wedlock? Perhaps the kid is evidence they had premarital sex?

It's obviously this was a Big Family Secret which they have the right to have but people have done worse things than give up a kid they were not prepared to raise.

And divorcing over this topic seems strange...perhaps one of them is telling the other if he/she contacts the kid, it's over, which certainly seems controlling.
Re: Asshole Given Up For Adoption Decides To Blow Up Bioparents Lives
April 29, 2020
A few of the comments have mentioned that the same extended family that is so welcoming to the kid is probably the same family that would have shunned the unmarried parents. So they don’t really care about the kid, they just like having her around as a way to lord their superiority over the parents, and they will eventually begin to tear her down for being the product of said parents. The kid mentioned the parents are religious, so this wouldn’t surprise me. 90% of what I observed as a child growing up in the church was adults fighting over the imaginary title of Most Holy Person.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________
"Not every ejaculation deserves a name" - George Carlin
Re: Asshole Given Up For Adoption Decides To Blow Up Bioparents Lives
April 29, 2020
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bell_flower
And divorcing over this topic seems strange...perhaps one of them is telling the other if he/she contacts the kid, it's over, which certainly seems controlling.

Or, one of them could have become pro-choice and lost their faith in their religion, while the other became more entrenched. Some people change their minds when faced with new information, while others double down. Ultimately, if one person changes and the other doesn't, it is generally bad for a relationship.
Re: Asshole Given Up For Adoption Decides To Blow Up Bioparents Lives
April 29, 2020
These stories are like "Dear Abbey" stuff, you never get ALL the details. The kid may have come back in their lives and is a manipulative terror to the bio mother but a different person with the father or not, there is no way to know what really went on.
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Cambion
I wouldn't do it myself, but I can understand the desire to reach out to your birth parents. However, when they make it clear they don't want anything to do with you, that means you leave them the fuck alone, not make passive aggressive comments on their social media pages that could very easily drive a wedge into their family, which it seems like it did.

Yes. OP was an asshole for persisting in contact, definitely for the "three kids" comment, and was a raging asshole for being pleased they had seriously fucked up four lives with their narcissistic nonsense.
Re: Asshole Given Up For Adoption Decides To Blow Up Bioparents Lives
April 29, 2020
Some kids that have been adopted out will totally blame the mother for giving them up while giving the father a pass. I knew a woman who had a kid in her teens and he found her and her husband and teen daughter when he was 27. He started a campaign of borderline stalking for years as his bio-mother was supposed to keep him and face a life on welfare. His adoptive family was good to him, but he could not let her go. It reminds me of men who can't let their independant exes go.

I am thinking this kid may have demonized the bio-mother and is sugar and spice with the father now and the bio mother has realized that it is her against her husband and everyone else now who are probably telling her this new kid's behavior towards her is all in her imagination and they just need to talk and learn to get along.

The facebook stunt says a lot.
This kid never had a parental connection. Not with the birth or adoptive family, and it is apparent she was abused by the adoptive family. This kid is harbering resentment to outright hatred tward all of the so called 'family'.

+++++++++++++

Passive Aggressive
Master Of Anti-brat
Excuses!
Yup, the kid is the asshole in this situation. If you give a kid up for a traditional closed adoption, that pretty much spells out that you are done. If they contact you as adults, they don't get to be surprised at a "no thank you" in whatever form that takes. Same for bio parents trying to find the kid.

I can understand trying to find your birth parents, and if you're unhappy with how that pans out you get to feel whatever you feel. But those feelings do not equal any type of obligation from anyone. I sincerely hope this individual is seeking out a good therapist. Lots of issues.

CZ I think you're right...this is a messed-up person with a massive "family" axe to grind. See previous remarks re: therapy.
Re: Asshole Given Up For Adoption Decides To Blow Up Bioparents Lives
April 29, 2020
I think CraftyZits was right. The kid may have been raised in the foster system and is messed up as a result. After finding the "perfect" facebook/instagram family that gave her up it was time to make them pay.

If they ended up divorced because of the kid showing up, I guess she got her revenge
Re: Asshole Given Up For Adoption Decides To Blow Up Bioparents Lives
April 30, 2020
Here's another take on the situation with the birth parents.

Maybe when this kid was born, one parent (maybe the moo?) insisted on giving her for adoption, but the other parent was opposed. Now that the kid is back in their lives, this old disagreement has burst open and affected the marriage.

This sounds like a lot of fundie family drama. Members of the extended family are telling the parents they aren't invited to family events unless they accept the adult kid's presence? Really? The kid is an interloper. Her situation sucks, and she clearly had a horrible upbringing, but what she has done sucks worse.
Also there’s a chance that the kid’s gestation and birth was wholly traumatic for the mother. In these fundie families, most likely the mother was sent away to “live with a relative” for a year, which means either some religious housing or actually with a relative who is super-religious. Then spend the 40 weeks being told she’s a sinner, a whore, and other lovely terms of endearment. Then gives birth in some religious hospital where she’s completely alone other than the fundie nurses and denied pain medication because she needs to feel the full wrath of God’s punishment and then the child is taken away where she’s unlikely to have even held or looked at the baby. The father comes to “visit”, meaning he’s there to sign his parental rights away so the baby can be put up for adoption. The mother is then kept where she is until the milk dries up and all other physical evidence of pregnancy and childbirth has gone away. Then she’s allowed to return home to never speak of the baby again. Does OP think their existence didn’t come at a huge cost already? And if that’s how they came into the world, do they think they’d be able to handle hearing that?


Aside from all that, the OOP is going to get a reality check of what family is and how you can’t just shove yourself into a spot. It’s inside jokes that can’t be explained, memories, the knowledge of people you have known since birth, and an insular group. If OP attends one of these family events, is s/he going to get in their feelings and blow up again out of jealousy when family does what it does and the elders start going on about what the younger members did as babies, toddlers, and children and none of them can relate such stories about OP? Or they talk about that hilarious thing that happened on that family trip that one time? And like I said in the original thread, I’d be wary of somebody who has shown that they’ll jump to public humiliation and life destruction if they don’t get their way or feel left out.

------------------------------------------------------------
"Why children take so long to grow? They eat and drink like pig and give nothing back. Must find way to accelerate process..."
- Dr. Yi Suchong, Bioshock

"Society does not need more children; but it does need more loved children. Quite literally, we cannot afford unloved children - but we pay heavily for them every day. There should not be the slightest communal concern when a woman elects to destroy the life of her thousandth-of-an-ounce embryo. But all society should rise up in alarm when it hears that a baby that is not wanted is about to be born."
- Garrett Hardin

"I feel like there's a message involved here somehow, but then I couldn't stop laughing at all the plotholes, like the part when North Korea has food."
- Youtube commentor referring to a North Korean cartoon.

"Reality is a bitch when it slowly crawls out of your vagina and shits in your lap."
- Reddit comment

"Bitch wants a baby, so we're gonna fuck now. #bareback"
- Cambion

Oh whatever. Abortion doctors are crimestoppers."
- Miss Hannigan
Re: Asshole Given Up For Adoption Decides To Blow Up Bioparents Lives
May 01, 2020
Remember this https://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/adoptee-search-birth-mother-ends-rejection-article-1.1284242 ?

I think we talked about it here when it happened.

_______________________________________________
“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”
I remember that.

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Entitled Child
"It's really sad," Penn said. "It is very hard for somebody in this time to put their brain back in 1964 in that society. I've never experienced it. But I would hope that whatever happens in that situation that at this point, I would get myself help and I wouldn't take it out on the person I gave birth to."

It is sad, but not for the reasons she implies. The bio daughter is the one that needs help. The Bio Mom hasn’t “taken it out” on her, she has simply expressed that she is not interested in a relationship. The bio daughter is the one doing the harassing.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________
"Not every ejaculation deserves a name" - George Carlin
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LoveToLurk
I remember that.

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Entitled Child
"It's really sad," Penn said. "It is very hard for somebody in this time to put their brain back in 1964 in that society. I've never experienced it. But I would hope that whatever happens in that situation that at this point, I would get myself help and I wouldn't take it out on the person I gave birth to."

It is sad, but not for the reasons she implies. The bio daughter is the one that needs help. The Bio Mom hasn’t “taken it out” on her, she has simply expressed that she is not interested in a relationship. The bio daughter is the one doing the harassing.

It's almost as if every one of these birth parent-seeking narcissists believes that every adoption is a mistake, and the "real" parents just need a few years to figure that out and regret it.
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kittehpeoples
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LoveToLurk
I remember that.

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Entitled Child
"It's really sad," Penn said. "It is very hard for somebody in this time to put their brain back in 1964 in that society. I've never experienced it. But I would hope that whatever happens in that situation that at this point, I would get myself help and I wouldn't take it out on the person I gave birth to."

It is sad, but not for the reasons she implies. The bio daughter is the one that needs help. The Bio Mom hasn’t “taken it out” on her, she has simply expressed that she is not interested in a relationship. The bio daughter is the one doing the harassing.

It's almost as if every one of these birth parent-seeking narcissists believes that every adoption is a mistake, and the "real" parents just need a few years to figure that out and regret it.

And the GOP encourage this.

+++++++++++++

Passive Aggressive
Master Of Anti-brat
Excuses!
what I find truly obnoxious and evil is when a child is removed from an extremely toxic mommy and adopted to a family that truly loves the child. Family has said child for years, and suddenly, evil moo, clean, sober (for 3 months), on psych meds or whatever is 'all better now and wants kid back'. goes to court and wins said kid back (who may have been removed from crapamoo as a baby and doesn't know this bitch from a hole in the ground). all you hear from crapamoo in this kind of scenario is 'that the kid truly knows she's maaawwmeee' because of some mystical connection from being shat out into the world.
I was only around 11 or so, but there was a court case similar to this, but 3 kids were involved. I actually kept track of the case as it occupied the medias attention for the duration of the trial. (1963 or so, give or take). The oldest kid when told of decision that mombie had won her kids back (and this kid remembered what a piece of shit moo was) said "I hate her guts.".. Of course, clueless mombie was gushing about some fantasy of having a loving famblee about her again. I think she had been clean for no more htan 6 months, but i have no means of finding this story.

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children
and I defy anyone to prove me wrong:

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet I'll put shoes on my pets.

Mankind and its needs (wants) are like unto a black hole. It devours all available resources and it never is full: it merely grows larger and demands more.

Definition of 'wealthy': Anyone who makes more/has more than you do.

Someone pointed out that I'm a realist. And all along I thought I was just a pessimist crossed with a cynic.

Entitlement, thy name is mooooooooooooooo

"Fathom the hypocrisy of a government that requires every citizen to prove
they are insured... but not everyone must prove they are a citizen.
Add to this that, many of those who refuse or are unable to prove they are
citizens, will receive free insurance paid for by those who are.""

I am confused enough already. I do not need outside help.
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