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Well HERE'S a reverse..

Posted by twocents 
Well HERE'S a reverse..
July 18, 2020
The highlights are mine: I see this with victims of narcs, toxic parents: they drag their offspring to these nasty people so their own children can also be abused (all sort of variations). And yeah, maybe yer mom has a reason not to want to worship your little trophies as well.

From Carolyn Hax, 2006

Dear Carolyn: Recently at a small gathering in my mom's workplace, my mom passed around a picture of my sister's dogs with Santa and introduced them as her grand-dogs. My teenage son (her grandchild) was totally disgusted and, needless to say, I was appalled.

I would not have reacted so negatively, but my mother does not have ONE picture of my children in her office, not even a Polaroid. Pictures of my sister, her new husband and her dogs are plastered EVERYWHERE.

Also, she does not come to visit with my children but will drive hours to pick up and "babysit" those dogs. This bizarre behavior has been brought to my mother's attention, yet it continues.

To worsen the resentment, she helps support my sister and her husband. My husband suggests we just stay away. What do you recommend?.

Completely Fed Up: That you listen to your husband, unless you find some way to make peace with the fact that your mother’s attentions will never be fair.

Because: She will not change. She will not change. She will not change.

And even if you do come to see that your mother’s favoritism reflects poorly on her, not you — which it does, for what it’s worth — you should still take at least part of your husband’s advice. Your mother doesn’t show your kids any love, and yet you drag them to see her, expecting her to show love — thereby setting them up for slaps in the face. Not fair.

Do what you must for your own relationship with your mom, but consider sparing your kids the dog-and-Santa show.

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children
and I defy anyone to prove me wrong:

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet I'll put shoes on my pets.

Mankind and its needs (wants) are like unto a black hole. It devours all available resources and it never is full: it merely grows larger and demands more.

Definition of 'wealthy': Anyone who makes more/has more than you do.

Someone pointed out that I'm a realist. And all along I thought I was just a pessimist crossed with a cynic.

Entitlement, thy name is mooooooooooooooo

"Fathom the hypocrisy of a government that requires every citizen to prove
they are insured... but not everyone must prove they are a citizen.
Add to this that, many of those who refuse or are unable to prove they are
citizens, will receive free insurance paid for by those who are.""

I am confused enough already. I do not need outside help.
Re: Well HERE'S a reverse..
July 18, 2020
Huh, unusual. Usually it's the grandkid-producing branches of the family that are showered with attention.

Hax is right that the LW shouldn't expect change from her mom, and that shoving her kids at her does everyone a disservice.

I do wonder about the bigger picture, though. What conversations have happened about this? Are the LW's kids ill-behaved? Is the LW an insufferable sanctimonious mommy type? There's got to be things she's not telling. Most grandparents are into the gig at least some of the time, so I can't help but wonder these things. There's likely some relationship discord/dysfunction that predates the arrival of the grandchildren.
Re: Well HERE'S a reverse..
July 18, 2020
The dogs are probably just better behaved and better company than the brats, which would imply a LOT about Moo's parenting. That, or the Moo writing the letter is a cunt and her own mother has intentionally minimized contact with her. Or maybe the grandmother is just a bitch and her dog-owning child was the favorite and she's doing this to intentionally fuck with the author. Maybe the grandmoo is a dog fanatic. There could be any number of explanations.

I agree, there is much more to this story that we aren't getting because while this is a delightful change of pace, it's also very unusual.
Re: Well HERE'S a reverse..
July 18, 2020
Wouldn't be the least surprised if the other daughter is the favorite as Cambion said. If so, the moo should be used to this by now because it is something she endured for her entire childhood. Her mother isn't going to change.

I'm wondering if the grandmother simply has no desire to watch grand brats and is avoiding the entire situation. We don't know if pressure has been put on her to be "actively involved" in the lives of the grand brats and she is doing this as a result of that. Or perhaps she was very explicit in not wanting to be "actively involved" with any grand brats from the start.

For all we know the moo could be exaggerating. The grandmother may have disappointed the moo and this is the result. We all know moos typically expect their parents to be actively involved in the lives of their children by default. Many moos and duhs expect their parents to give up their lives to help them with the brats as a first priority. Grandparents are people too and I applaud their right to chose their lifestyle and level of involvement with grand brats.

Clearly moo had unreasonable expectations from her mother from the start.
Re: Well HERE'S a reverse..
July 18, 2020
You guys are right; this looks like a classic case of the "missing missing reasons." Something obviously occurred between the letter writer (or her kid) and her mother, and her mother is behaving accordingly. Letter writer resents it and is deliberately putting her son in the line of fire to reinforce that she doesn't like his grandmother and neither should he (nevermind the fact that she's repeatedly hurting him in the process; what matters is validating her feelings, amirite?). And he was "disgusted" that his grandmother showed off pictures of his aunt's dogs? "Disgusted"? Really? If so, that comes directly from his mother. A normal reaction, imo, would be disappointment or sadness. You might be hurt that your grandma showed off pictures of pets instead of you. But "disgust" sounds like it comes from a much different place....
Re: Well HERE'S a reverse..
July 19, 2020
Possibility one: The teenagers are obnoxious fucksticks.

Possibility two: Dog sister is golden child, moo sister is scapegoat child. If rolls were reversed and dog sister had kids the kids would be all over grandmoo's social media - photos on office wall etc. Key point is how dog sister gets support but child sister gets refused. Bet it has always been this way long before dogs long before kids.

The teens could be the best kids ever eagle scouts who cure cancer and grand moo would be "that's nice." If dog sister had kids they could be felons, serial rapists or the second coming of Osma Bin Laden and grand moo would say what great kids they were and how she was proud of them.

Hope the teens cut that old bat out of their lives.

_______________________________________________
“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”
Re: Well HERE'S a reverse..
July 19, 2020
I am so glad that my family dynamics never worked like that. Admittedly there was bullshit, but the shit was a different sort of shit. I am also proud of what my sister's kids became. Both are childfree, and very much themselves.

+++++++++++++

Passive Aggressive
Master Of Anti-brat
Excuses!
Re: Well HERE'S a reverse..
July 19, 2020
Quote
thom_c
The teens could be the best kids ever eagle scouts who cure cancer and grand moo would be "that's nice." If dog sister had kids they could be felons, serial rapists or the second coming of Osma Bin Laden and grand moo would say what great kids they were and how she was proud of them.

Hope the teens cut that old bat out of their lives.

If it's really a case of grandmoo favoritism, I hope so, too. Nobody deserves that. The tone of the letter just struck me as suspect. I think the LW left out a ton of information in order to make sure she looked like purely the victim.

But I've also seen grandmoo favoritism first hand, and acknowledge that's absolutely a possibility. And if that is the case, LW is still in the wrong. She should stop exposing her child to someone who treats him so badly.
Re: Well HERE'S a reverse..
July 20, 2020
Who knows what is going on here but the great thing about being CF is that you do not have to play these games.

Neither DH nor I are the favored children in our families. My sister is the Goldenchild and his one brother has the position in his family. My husband's family is full of Uber Breeders. My FIL went on record early and said they would not be visiting us because we didn't have grandchildren, nor would we get anything after they die. Hahahahahahahaha I guess that was supposed to make us feel bad but I was overjoyed about the lack of visits. We see them once or twice a year and that's great. And as for getting anything from their estate, that is a total joke. They are deeply in debt from supporting DH's loser Goldenchild sibling(s) and they have horrible redneck taste anyway. If I got something from their house, it would be in the dumpster or Goodwill the next day.

Because I was not the favorite, I can relate to the OP. But riddle me this, why do people in that position want to extend it to the next generation and ass-kiss their parents in the hope it will be different? I really do not like my mom all that much for many good reasons--in a bizarro universe where I had a kid, I wouldn't want that kid near her.

Being CF has nothing but up side: no dragging yourself and brats on inconvenient trips during the holidays because "it's fambilee and fambilees spend the hellidaze together." No whining at one's parent to be a grandparent if they don't want to be. No expectations. No sucking up to parents or competing with siblings again.

If you want to see your parents, you can. If you don't, that works too.

Somebody tell me the downside to being CF?
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