"He had no choice!"

Kinda similar to twocents' recent post, but did anyone else see the reddit AITA trainwreck about the guy adopting his SIL's kids without asking his CF partner first? Short version is the guy's sister and husband died in a fire, but their two kids (toddler and infant) weren't home, so they were orphaned. The OP said her and the guy's relationship had previously been understood to be CF: they had discussed it, they were agreed. So this terrible thing happens and the boyfriend sits her down afterward and tells her-- TELLS her-- that the kids will be moving in with them on Friday. He tells her they need to figure out converting her home office, finances, etc. So she breaks up with him BECAUSE MY GOD OF COURSE SHE DID. Holy fuck.

The post has been taken down and locked already (because people were getting so vicious in the comments, presumably). A lot of debate back and forth, some reasoned, a lot NOT, but what got me was the number of people defending the boyfriend by saying he had no choice in the matter. A few people tried to point out that he absolutely had a choice, a number of choices in fact, some of which involved actually consulting with his partner before deciding she was going to be a mother. But the people insisting there was no choice to be had here just will not admit that yes, there was. Some of them even blindly admitted it in the same sentence without realizing it: "He had no choice but to take those kids, because otherwise they'd go into foster care!" The OP was saying the BF and "his family" (don't know how many) were attacking her verbally, so clearly there are other family members. The kids survived because they were staying overnight with their grandparents, for instance. There were options. But wow, the "family at all costs" brigade just do not want to see it.

I find it so interesting that these "You have to put family first!" and "Children override everything!" types swear that they're the only ones who have the children's best interests at heart, but also think that a woman who never wanted kids should suck it up and be a mother because her man said so. Not just a horrible thing to do to her, but a truly awful thing to do to those kids.

(I also liked one of the comments that basically asked, "If he had known she was going to leave and he'd have to raise the kids by himself, would he still have thought he had no choice but to take them?" but it got buried fast. Of course.)

When this shit happens, there's probably a lot of family pressure to make the relatives with the fewest children and/or the most money adopt the parentless brats. This person very well had a choice, and the one they made was to cave to family pressure. The disturbing fact that families try to foist children on people who explicitly do not want them says quite a bit about how much these relatives care about these kids, as in it sounds more like "let's unload these fuckers on someone else" rather than "let's find the best possible home for these kids."

I don't know why he would expect his partner to react any way other than how she did, especially when he didn't consider her feelings or input at all and just went ahead and decided this without her. Childfree means just that - FREE of children. It doesn't mean free of biological children only, or free of children unless they're kin, or free of children except through marriage. No kids means no kids, there is no mincing of words going on there.

And yeah, I would definitely assume that if he knew he'd be raising these brats as a single father, he would have thought harder about agreeing to take them. Odds are he decided to try to make his wife a Moo and figured she'd do all the cunt work because that's what women are supposed to do.

I sure as fuck wouldn't take in a dead relative's kids. No sir, go find another relative to bunk with or go into foster care and hope somebody wants you. I know that's mean, but it's also MY life and I am under no obligation to deal with someone else's kids just because we share some DNA.

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Cambion
And yeah, I would definitely assume that if he knew he'd be raising these brats as a single father, he would have thought harder about agreeing to take them.

Yepper pepper. I bet if he knew he was signing up for single father duty, he'd have realized he suddenly had all KINDS of choices at his disposal. And none of them would have included taking the kids.

I don't know what the reddit rules are after a post gets removed, but I'd love to see an update from the OP at some point, if she finds out how it all plays out...because once The Woman Who Was Supposed To Do All The Work For Him So He Could Be A Hero was out of the picture, I'm guessing he immediately started trying to figure out how to back out of all of it. Because, you know...choices.

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Cambion
The disturbing fact that families try to foist children on people who explicitly do not want them says quite a bit about how much these relatives care about these kids, as in it sounds more like "let's unload these fuckers on someone else" rather than "let's find the best possible home for these kids."

Yeah, that always gets me, too. "Unwilling parent" is definitely worse than "no parent at all."

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kittehpeoples
I find it so interesting that these "You have to put family first!" and "Children override everything!" types swear that they're the only ones who have the children's best interests at heart, but also think that a woman who never wanted kids should suck it up and be a mother because her man said so. Not just a horrible thing to do to her, but a truly awful thing to do to those kids.

Cognitive dissonance helped no one, ever. But so many people believe in these lie anyways! There are so many people who convince themselves everyone can just deal with being a parent (unintended pregnancy, adopt orphaned family members, etc.) even if they have no desire to do so. Being a parent is not the same as adopting an older cat or other pet that is low maintenance. There are people who budget, save and fully plan pregnancies who cannot deal with their intended children once reality hits.

Why didn't the deceased have godparents lined up? It isn't specific to Catholics, any parent can do this. But having godparents means that the parents planned and have agreement as to where the kids will go if the parents die. It takes out any friction or unrealistic expectations and prevents the family bullying a specific member "in the name of grief." It also omits the child-free because they wouldn't agree to be godparents in the first place. I recall mentioning to my sibling (around her wedding) not to ask because I would say no to being a godparent when someone mentioned it.

At the very least he could have had a conversation with his girlfriend at first. They lived together and that should mean something. Obviously she was going to leave but he could have held off on having the kids move in for a few weeks to give her time to find another accommodation. And demanding she convert her home office into a nursery in a matter of days?
I bet the grandparents would have kept the kids temporarily.
I feel bad for this woman. They have history and there was no reason for him to treat her with disrespect or to allow his family to badmouth her. At the very least he could have honored her right to chose her life even if he didn't agree. Him and his family are a bunch of jerks. Clearly they assumed she'd cave just like he did if bullied enough.

But a toadler and infant? After she moves on she is going to realize she dodged a major bullet! If she would have stuck around it would likely have hurt/killed her career and there is a good chance she would be expected to do the majority of everything. Because we know that it is very typical for the woman to bear the brunt of child rearing.

I hope she moves on the best she can. And she keeps him on Fakebook or other social media to watch the inevitable shitshow unravel!

With so many people being required by employers to work from home in the pandemic, demanding her to convert her home office to a child's room is bullshit. Maybe his goal was to make her lose or quit her job to care for the kids.

His action is suspicious. Despite what he told her, he was probably never CF. This flips the situation we talk about here: HE thought SHE would "love them when they're here".

She was 100% correct in leaving, of course.

You have to wonder about the family dynamics. Usually families will push a female relative, not a male, to take in children. That was the situation in the other thread, family pushing a female relative. This one is much more unusual. Did the guy's family just assume his partner would be willing to go along? Or maybe he volunteered to adopt the children and wasn't actually under any pressure?

I'd love to know if he took in the kids after all with her gone. I'll bet he backed out. Well, too late to fix it now, stupid.

Edit to add: here's a recap on Youtube, with a bot reading the OP and selected comments. Most of those comments read supported the girlfriend.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ydZWbnUzelg

I really think some of these stories are fake and they are posted to incite the kind of mouth-breathing discussion that is Classic Reddit.

When I first read it, I thought: baby and toadler out of the house? Not likely with today's Smother Moos.
Okay, so they were at the grandparents' house, but
Who dies in a fire these days? I guess people who: 1. don't buy smoke detectors; 2. buy them but don't check/change the batteries; 3. meth lab owners.

If it's not fake, yes, leaving is absolutely her only choice. Run fast, run hard and do not look back!

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I'd love to know if he took in the kids after all with her gone. I'll bet he backed out.

Yeah, the same people who think an unwilling parent is better than no parent are likely to think that women are naturally suited for cunt work. Betcha Sonny Boy is dumping the kids back on other relatives real quick.

'Who dies in a fire these days?'

There is also the possibility that they didn't bother to install smoke detectors or they even had disconnected theirs because they 'make too much noise and would keep up the baby/toddler.' Some detectors are very sensitive, they like to beep whenever someone has slightly 'smokey' cooking or needs a lot of heat (like broiling or frying.)

It's usually good to take anything on Reddit with a big grain of salt because plenty of people tell BS stories just to incite arguments. It's one of the times that I really hope that the story is fake or heavily embellished because if it's not, then that situation really sucks.

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kman
You have to wonder about the family dynamics. Usually families will push a female relative, not a male, to take in children. That was the situation in the other thread, family pushing a female relative. This one is much more unusual. Did the guy's family just assume his partner would be willing to go along? Or maybe he volunteered to adopt the children and wasn't actually under any pressure?

That is a very good point. I'm guessing the famblee decided that since the wife/girlfriend is already at home all day long (even if she does work from home), then she's obviously doing nothing important with her life and can easily deal with a couple of kids on short notice. Or maybe there were no able-bodied/sane female relatives who could take the kids, so this guy was a last resort? I'm guessing there is also an assumption that no kids = rolling in cash, even though the author mentioned having to talk about rearranging finances/budgets to accommodate kids, leading me to believe they are not well-off. But yeah no, let's make the intentionally unchilded people raise two kids! How could that plan possibly go awry?

My family pulled that shit with me when it came to babysitting both children and adults. "Cambion has no job and no friends (or so they thought), so she can take care of Junior/Meemaw so we don't have to!" Because obviously I had NOTHING better to do than deal with a toddler for hours because my aunt didn't want anyone in town to know she had a kid or spend three hours trying to explain to my senile grandmother that she has to actually move her feet in order to walk to the toilet that's six feet away so she can pee (no that's not an exaggeration). Because clearly the best choice for a sitter is someone with no experience with kids (and no desire to have experience) and the best choice for a caregiver is someone who doesn't know shit about taking care of a very dependent and sick senior.

He had a choice, and sorry girlfriend, that choice wasn't you.

+++++++++++++

Passive Aggressive
Master Of Anti-brat
Excuses!

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Cambion
It's usually good to take anything on Reddit with a big grain of salt because plenty of people tell BS stories just to incite arguments. It's one of the times that I really hope that the story is fake or heavily embellished because if it's not, then that situation really sucks.

Me too. I'd love for this one to be fake otherwise a woman is devastated, a man is stuck with kids he doesn't really want and two kids are likely going to suffer because of it.

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Cambion

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kman
You have to wonder about the family dynamics. Usually families will push a female relative, not a male, to take in children. That was the situation in the other thread, family pushing a female relative. This one is much more unusual. Did the guy's family just assume his partner would be willing to go along? Or maybe he volunteered to adopt the children and wasn't actually under any pressure?

That is a very good point. I'm guessing the famblee decided that since the wife/girlfriend is already at home all day long (even if she does work from home), then she's obviously doing nothing important with her life and can easily deal with a couple of kids on short notice. Or maybe there were no able-bodied/sane female relatives who could take the kids, so this guy was a last resort?

My guess is he was a fencesitter with a "blood is thicker than water" attitude and no actual respect for his GF. His family may have pushed him to take the kids because they didn't already have a houseful, and he decided she would just have to deal with it. I mean, what was she going to do, leave him over it?

He clearly never respected her choice to be CF or this wouldn't have happened (if, as you point out is often the case with reddit, it actually did), so there's a chance he figured she'd change her mind once she was forced into motherhood. Sucks to be him now!

I sometimes think that r/Chidlfree must be made up. People don't actually pull some of the shit that you read on there, right?

Then I remember this is people we're talking about.

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catabat
I sometimes think that r/Chidlfree must be made up. People don't actually pull some of the shit that you read on there, right?

Then I remember this is people we're talking about.

It wasn't from r/childfree. It was from AITA. I'm not sure which sub is worse for troll posts, tbh.

and as for smoke detectors, and this is especially true in the welfare whores' households, they take the batteries out for other use.

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong

Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.

I hope the story was made up because this sets off all the asshole alarms.

Changing his mind is kinda dickish, bit it's something people are allowed to do. Being butthurt when your gf changes her life plans accordingly, though, is ridiculous.

He should not have made a unilateral decision for her.

If he was making this major decision for himself, he should have given her a good heads up so they could exit the relationship civilly she could find a place to live. Helping her with moving costs would also be the right move, as he's responsible for the upheaval in her life.

If I start to date someone I see long-term potential with, once we have the "I don't want kids" discussion I make it crystal clear by no kids I mean no kids, not mine nor anyone elses. I didn't get my tubes tied for the purpose of being a safety net to other people's kids, and if someone we/he knows winds up dead or in jail and the kids are orphaned, that if he chooses to adopt them he will become a single father. Most men who do this expect the woman to carry the load because they're a woman, and they get to hide at their office all day while she does the grunt work. Reality will set in pretty fast for most of these men if HE has to play mommy

You know damn well if you reversed the genders, the reddit neckbeards would be screaming about how this lazy gold digger was trying to use the boyfriend for his resources and telling him to break up immediately.

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ladybug2203
Most men who do this expect the woman to carry the load because they're a woman, and they get to hide at their office all day while she does the grunt work. Reality will set in pretty fast for most of these men if HE has to play mommy

I really expect that the reason "this was the only choice he could make" was because he figured she'd do all the heavy lifting of being a mommy and he'd just get to be the hero uncle. Her home office was getting refitted as the children's room, and I don't think that's coincidence...that she was going to share office space with them? Of course he expected her to be a SAHM while also earning a salary to help pay for the little darlings.

Wonder if he's backed out of taking them yet.

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JoJo
You know damn well if you reversed the genders, the reddit neckbeards would be screaming about how this lazy gold digger was trying to use the boyfriend for his resources and telling him to break up immediately.

I don't think you're wrong. But a woman's supposed to sacrifice her life for kiddos no questions asked, right?

Those kids aren't her family, so why should she suffer because of her boyfriend's problem? It's not like taking in a family pet. He decided to do this without talking to her first. He's showing lack of respect for her.

She has every right to leave. Of course I feel bad for BFs family over what happened, but he can't be making these huge life altering decisions without her knowledge or consent.

My ex asked me once if we would take in sis in laws tardo daughter if something happened. I said 'sure' because I knew SIL would never have let me take over care for this child. She knew how I felt about kids. I got along with the tardo ok, I just avoided her when she was in a mood or sick. SIL had things worked out, a group home she was signed up for, and such.
By saying this I averted a stupid fight with stupid ex. Simply because I knew it would never happen. As it was, I was gone in a few months due to another problem. So, everything worked out.

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong

Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.

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twocents
My ex asked me once if we would take in sis in laws tardo daughter if something happened. I said 'sure' because I knew SIL would never have let me take over care for this child. She knew how I felt about kids. I got along with the tardo ok, I just avoided her when she was in a mood or sick. SIL had things worked out, a group home she was signed up for, and such.
By saying this I averted a stupid fight with stupid ex. Simply because I knew it would never happen. As it was, I was gone in a few months due to another problem. So, everything worked out.

Since SIL knew how you felt about kids why was your ex confused? Forgetting the toppings a significant other likes on their salad or how they take their coffee/tea is understandable because it is trivial. "Forgetting" a major life decision because you're hoping for the answer to change is very different. It is insulting to the significant other.

I don't understand relationships where we can't be honest or it results in a fight. Just because people disagree doesn't mean it needs to be expressed in a fight, it can be a calm, honest conversation and respectful of boundaries. Neither person in a relationship is likely to change their mind unless it is trivial. And trivial isn't worth a fight. Most of the time it is best to accept disagreement on major life decisions as a natural impasse and cut losses sooner rather than later.

I've observed LOTS of relationships where both people are living one person's truth. You'd think the person whose truth is lived may be better off but what if he/she wakes up one day and realizes the relationship is predicated on lies. And it can't be any healthier to be the one who has to lie and hide in order to maintain the other's truth with no regards for her/his personal truth.