This is how it starts. Women acting like they have no brains

Titled by Carolyn: Will fatherhood get an idler in gear??
(laughing hysterically if this bint actually thinks this, and thinks he is going to play Mr Mom while she is out making a living)

Dear Carolyn: "Tom" and I are planning our wedding. He's a freelancer who plays a lot of golf and softball, hangs out with friends during the day, and updates his blog daily, yet he has a nice apartment and eats out most of the time. I knew he developed several apps and I thought he was living off the profits.

Now that we're combining our finances, I found out that what sustains him is a modest inheritance from his grandparents. Though it's not enough to last the rest of our lives, Tom admits he has no interest in ever holding down any kind of real job after living like this his entire adult life. He says he'll probably inherit more money from his parents "if they manage not to blow it all."

We're looking at a winter wedding and starting a family immediately (I'm 32). I have a great job and know when the inheritance runs out, I'll be supporting everyone. Tom's never had to cook or clean or be handy around the house, but child care won't be an issue since he'll be home and have time to learn at least some of that other stuff. ::aside

My best friend, a stay-at-home mom, warned me that Tom is not cut out to be a stay-at-home dad and that his willingness to live off money he could have saved and invested should worry me. Is my friend right? I think if our genders were reversed no one would think twice about our plans.

— Engaged

what a fucking asshole woman: she'll be a whining breakingmom jerk in a year or 2.

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong

Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.

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My best friend, a stay-at-home mom, warned me that Tom is not cut out to be a stay-at-home dad and that his willingness to live off money he could have saved and invested should worry me. Is my friend right? I think if our genders were reversed no one would think twice about our plans.

Well maybe, maybe not.

It all depends on what you are comfortable living with. After watching my mom struggle as a 32 year old widow with kids, I decided early on that I would be supporting myself regardless of life circumstances including marriage. I expect the same in a partner--there is no free lunch.

Based on what I've observed with family members and others, I have a rather practical (unromantic to some) view of financial support while co habitating in any situation.

I believe if you are supporting someone, there will be likely expectations (unspoken or not) that the supported partner is doing something in return for the support: housekeeping, raising brats, etc. While I myself did not want this, some people do and they are comfortable with it. Sometimes it works out and a woman who stays home 30+ years doesn't die old and poor*, but sometimes it does not. (Exhibit B: Terry Hekker)

Back to the OP, it is very telling that she did not definitively state he's willing to be a SAHD and specifically what his contribution will be. If he likes his freedom so much, is he really prepared to give it all up to raise a completely dependent being? Is he prepared to do the housekeeping to her standards? Doesn't seem like it. I suspect she's asking Prudie because: 1. she's not asked any of these hard questions 2. just like so many other dumb female Breeders, because she's hungry for sperm and does not give a shit about much else at the moment.

She needs to go into this with her eyes wide open and expectations defined. If she can live with supporting him and he in turn raises the brat and it all works out, good for them. I sense this is not the case and there are all kinds of negative scenarios for her such as: he will continue to be a man of leisure; she will be paying for daycare expenses AND "supporting them all," or he will half-assed watch the kid and if she divorces him then she will have a really big tab and a messed up life.

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bell_flower
I sense this is not the case

Oh, you're absolutely right. He's told her in word and deed that he doesn't want to work. I'm sure that includes 90-100% of the childcare. She's an idiot if she breeds with that guy. (Frankly I think living a life of leisure off of an inheritance sounds fab. Imagine the traveling and shenanigans they could indulge in if they were CF.)

Yeah I looked at it again:

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Tom's never had to cook or clean or be handy around the house, but child care won't be an issue since he'll be home and have time to learn at least some of that other stuff

If he hasn't done it by now he doesn't want to. I wonder what Tom thinks of this and if she has even asked him.

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My best friend, a stay-at-home mom, warned me that Tom is not cut out to be a stay-at-home dad and that his willingness to live off money he could have saved and invested should worry me. Is my friend right?

Probably a Hell of a lot more right than someone who does not know the parties in question. Moo is obviously advice shopping because she didn't get the answer she wanted from her BFF.

When your best friend is telling you that you are about to fuck up your life, you are about to fuck up your life.

She should listen to her SAHP friend. Sometimes our friends are the only ones willing to tell us what we need to hear (but not what we want to hear). I think her friend did just that, and the LW does not like what she heard. Her friend would have at least some idea of what kind of temperament, skills, and energy are needed to be a decent stay at home parent, and has probably observed "Tom" enough to see he's lacking in key areas.

Honestly he sounds like a low-motivation guy who is content to do just enough to keep getting what he likes. That will be amplified tenfold in a marriage, and a hundredfold when you add a child. I assume Tom is roughly her age or so, and he's had plenty of time to learn cooking, cleaning, and maintenance skills. He will not suddenly develop ambition just because he lives in the same household with you and your mutual offspring.

As for "if the genders were switched, no one would bat an eye at our arrangement"...maybe not, but that doesn't mean it's good to assign SAHP roles to someone who is ill-suited to it, regardless of whether they're male, female, or way beyond the binary.

ETA: looks like Carolyn Hax agrees, and she doesn't really sugarcoat as much as I thought she would. She even refers to SAHP as repetitive and mind-numbingly boring.

If the guy isn't willing to work a 9-to-5 job, then he isn't going to be willing to work a 24/7/365 job.

Also, I wonder if she has discussed her plans to "start a family immediately" with this guy, because it sounds like he's already got a pretty full life between hobbies, blogging and generally having fun while not working. Or does she plan on oopsing him?

This moron should not breed with this guy unless she is prepared to do all the childcare, housework, cooking and bill paying herself because it sounds like he's interested in doing the bare minimum in all aspects and he assumes he will always have some kind of a safety net. Breeding with a lazy and/or incompetent man never has and never will change that man for the better. All he'll do is be a disappointment to two people instead of just one. There's more than plenty of proof of this on r/breakingmom.

But since Moos gonna moo, she'll breed with this asshole anyway and then complain when he doesn't lift a finger in regard to childcare and she has to work and wrangle the brats while he fucks off to play softball and hang with his buddies every day instead of working or parenting. In fact, I'd wager he will do all of these things more often because he won't want to be home getting nagged by his Moo-wife all the time.

Also, the way she talks makes it sound like they don't even live together - he has a nice apartment, as opposed to they have a nice apartment. Isn't it good to do that for a while prior to marriage to ensure you can put up with one another on a daily basis?

This is about normal. Baby rabied wanna breeder is willing to settle for anything that will seed.

What is this guy even doing with her? I'm going to assume the obvious (he's getting laid on the reg) but she clearly has this wed-and-bred trajectory, and he likes to engage in his hobbies and probably doesn't want to have a complicated existence.

She's at the age where a lot of women start bugging out about not having bred yet. So she's probably not thinking very clearly either. It's easy to see where this is going and predicting what their lives will be like in ten years is no huge stretch of the imagination.

This bimbo drank the Kool-Aid and will die impoverished and with an adult brat on her economic tit for the rest of her life.

+++++++++++++

Passive Aggressive
Master Of Anti-brat
Excuses!

I think if the genders were reversed there would be no kids in this relationship, ever. A woman with a modest inheritance and no desire to cook, clean or work isn't going to have kids.

This guy may be great to date....and likely date only. I'd guess most twenty-something females may like him if he is pleasant as long as they aren't ready to settle down.

He doesn't care to work, clean or cook. He doesn't sound great to live with and like he'd be a nightmare to have kids with.
And he seems very authentic (which is a highly admirable quality) and is probably expecting her to go into a marriage with him with eyes wide open. Oh, how baybee raybees clouds the judgement!

Genders were reversed... she is looking for excuses and this is just a shield to deflect any criticism.

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong

Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.

Surprised she didnt know this about his finances all ready and didnt really know where all his income was and wasnt coming from.

Surprised he didn't tell her how he always wanted to live in the future and ask HER to join him on this footloose and fancy free journey, instead of her wanna breed plans and she gets to work their life away. He probably tells her he loves kids and has tons of fun w/ his nephews playing catch.

I have 2 coworker pals that have SAHDs as husbands. Not rich at all, but always have computer time, and guitar time, and out w/ the boys time. Became SAHDs likely because they couldnt hack goiing into an office anymore. In fact one went back to some office at minimum wage and after a month asked his wife if he could quit. He couldnt hack it for a month. She said yes because she didnt want him to be miserable and didnt want both of them to be miserable(she's miserable too at her job) Plus, it caused her rush around busy work from downtown to the 'burbs, becuz she had to pick up two kids at two different schools immediately after work (just another reason to be childfree...and stay away from the burbs if theyre too far from work, ...or go back to free range parenting where kids walk home and/or take the school bus--my parents worked and never picked me up.) These dads didnt do housework, probably made bologna sandwiches for lunch and just played w/ the kids. They didnt do anything that a traditional housewife or SAHM would do, just play and keep the kids alive. They are still not working and some of the kids are driving now. So, if this working girl in the article thinks breeding w/ a carefree guy is gonna be carefree, she has another thing coming. As in, coming home to a sinkful of dishes, and doing homework, and picking up toys and vaccuuming becz stay at home daddy is Mr FunGuy,not Mr Meany who actually gets stuff done.

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Surprised he didn't tell her how he always wanted to live in the future and ask HER to join him on this footloose and fancy free journey, instead of her wanna breed plans and she gets to work their life away. He probably tells her he loves kids and has tons of fun w/ his nephews playing catch.

This woman doesn't sound like she can be truthful with herself, so I have doubts whether she is accurately conveying his wishes.

I can visualize any number of scenarios:

He likes getting poontang on the reg, so he mumbles a few things about liking kids every now and then. She sounds like one of those broads who is on perpetual Uterine-Occupant-Fantasy overdrive, so she probably wants to talk about it a lot. If he acts somewhat interested, he will still get the poontang and all is well for now.

He thinks he may "have to" do this if he wants to be married to any woman. If he's found one that is willing to do all the heavy lifting, he suspects his life won't really change all that much.

He really does want kid(s), but believes he can have them without his life changing all that much. Or he has unrealistic views of what raising a kid is like, and thinks he can still play around and do the minimum after he has a kid.

Or all of the above:

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These dads didnt do housework, probably made bologna sandwiches for lunch and just played w/ the kids. They didnt do anything that a traditional housewife or SAHM would do, just play and keep the kids alive. They are still not working and some of the kids are driving now. So, if this working girl in the article thinks breeding w/ a carefree guy is gonna be carefree, she has another thing coming. As in, coming home to a sinkful of dishes, and doing homework, and picking up toys and vaccuuming becz stay at home daddy is Mr FunGuy,not Mr Meany who actually gets stuff done.

I know a lot SAHMoos and Duds who are like this too. Wouldn't it drive you nuts to be busting your hump at work and coming home to these ladies and gents of leisure? I know it would annoy me to no end. I know some SAHMoos (and Duds) who never cook, rarely clean, and use convenience food or takeout. There is no pride or discipline for themselves or their brats. They have messy, chaotic houses where nobody is in charge, nobody is on a schedule, the kids are hellions and the parent is a hot mess.

I get that everyone has bad days but if one's sole job is to be a homemaker and raise brats, and their houses are continually chaotic and messy and their kids are brats, someone should be getting a failing grade. If you were at work and performed like this, you'd be fired.

I posted this a long time ago....but one of them actually got a cleaning lady. These people are on a tight budget bc the dud won't work (oh he has his RE license but I dont think he really uses it much, but it saves face, right?). I said to her something like, You're getting a cleaning lady you cant afford so he doesn't have to do anything around the house and you guys dont have to fight about it? There was a long uncomfortable pause, to the point I was about to apologize for bringing it up, and then she said in a controlled resigned manner, "yes".

I have to say she was committed to making it work, and accepting a person for what they are.

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bell_flower
I can visualize any number of scenarios:

He likes getting poontang on the reg, so he mumbles a few things about liking kids every now and then. She sounds like one of those broads who is on perpetual Uterine-Occupant-Fantasy overdrive, so she probably wants to talk about it a lot. If he acts somewhat interested, he will still get the poontang and all is well for now.

He thinks he may "have to" do this if he wants to be married to any woman. If he's found one that is willing to do all the heavy lifting, he suspects his life won't really change all that much.

He really does want kid(s), but believes he can have them without his life changing all that much. Or he has unrealistic views of what raising a kid is like, and thinks he can still play around and do the minimum after he has a kid.

If she asks him about kids prior to giving up the goods he is likely to be extremely agreeable. Realistically I'd bet ever the most well meaning guy would promise the world at that point. To be fair, she should ask the morning after.
But as you said, she can't be truthful with herself.

I'm wondering how many (millions of) men have promised kids so that they can get the poontang.

I'm concerned that he (like so many people) is okay with the idea of kids but has no clue on the reality. If he knew the reality he would take a hard pass based on his carefree lifestyle. Unless he has a strong hidden conscientious streak it is highly likely he will continue his carefree lifestyle, kids or not.

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bell_flower
I know a lot SAHMoos and Duds who are like this too. Wouldn't it drive you nuts to be busting your hump at work and coming home to these ladies and gents of leisure? I know it would annoy me to no end. I know some SAHMoos (and Duds) who never cook, rarely clean, and use convenience food or takeout. There is no pride or discipline for themselves or their brats. They have messy, chaotic houses where nobody is in charge, nobody is on a schedule, the kids are hellions and the parent is a hot mess.

I get that everyone has bad days but if one's sole job is to be a homemaker and raise brats, and their houses are continually chaotic and messy and their kids are brats, someone should be getting a failing grade. If you were at work and performed like this, you'd be fired.

This would definitely drive me nuts. Who wants to come home to a chaotic house after working all day or night?
I have NO IDEA how their homes aren't declared a danger. I'd imagine three or more people would get incredibly messy and slovenly if there wasn't effort made more than one time a week to keep the place somewhat clean. Especially if the kids never lift a finger to keep their rooms and personal items corralled.