The full story of my autard sister WARNING: Animal cruelty

Many on here know about my autard sister, I've given glimpses of what has happened many times, but decided to make a post in full about how badly this has affected me, to get it off my chest bc if I try to tell this to anyone else (even a therapist) they look at me like I'm a monster, also for lurking breeders to see just how badly this can affect siblings (not that they'd care).

I have a severely autistic sister with violent tendencies, my earliest memory was when I was 5-6 years old and she was 3-4, i was trying to be a good sister, tried playing dress up with her in my closet, then getting the crap scratched and bitten out of me, never tried to play with her again after that. She acted like a rabid animal when I was trying to be nice to her.

She lives in a group home so I wouldn't be responsible for her direct care but my parents expect me to become guardian should she outlive them someday, I know that doesn't sound like a big deal but it's a constant job my parents are constantly on the phone with her group home on a daily basis, are constantly having to make decisions for her, are constantly having to tell aides what to do/translate her baby babble (she's classified nonverbal), and constantly having to replace her vhs's which she breaks. So becoming guardian while it wouldn't involve hands on care it would be a constant job.

I have serious PTSD from growing up with her and her violent episodes, my parents wouldn't let me see a therapist (yet they saw one for themselves), the few times I could talk to their therapist I was coached on what I could and couldn't say about my sister, i had to beg to be allowed to go to a support group for months at 12 years old(she let me go once to shut me up and never let me go again), mother even got mad at me for telling the pediatrician that I had to babysit my youngest (non autistic) sister alot as my mom was so busy with the autistic one (really I was only making small talk I wasn't trying to "snitch" the Dr was just asking me about my life) because the pediatrician scolded her for it and made her look like a "bad parent." My parents often blamed me and my youngest sister for her outbursts cuz we were apparently too loud and it set her off (as grown ass adults they couldnt control her outbursts, but apparently as a 12 year old I was supposed to be able to prevent the outbursts of an extremely volatile tard when they couldn't even as adults), my 5 year old non autistic sister was told not to cry because it set off my autistic sister (she frequently attacked her when she cried), we would sometimes had to be locked in our rooms all day while she violently rampaged around the house. One time me and my youngest sister we're arguing in the car, it set off the autard and she smacked us in the head, and instead of asking if we were okay, my dad threw Pepsi in our faces for "setting her off." My parents also refused to get a lock for my room (it could only be locked from the inside), so she was able to go in as she pleased and break everything (even killed some of my fish and snails, and instead of getting a lock for my room, mom forbade me from getting more fish). Money wasn't an issue, they had plenty of money, dad was a doctor, they frequently bought me expensive toys to shut me up (and then said I was ungrateful for the expensive toys not curing my upset), they thought they could just throw money at me and make my silly problems go away, they just refused to get a lock for reasons still unknown to me.

I was also I believe falsely diagnosed with a learning disability as a kid, held back a year as a result, but really I think I was just traumatized. One "symptom" for example was me being late to learn how to dress/tie my shoes, well no one bothered to teach me up until that point, children need to be taught, they don't just magically know. Another"symptom" was me not paying attention in class all the time, but really what child pays perfect attention all the time? Also as a preschooler I was socially behind my peers, BUT I was not socialized like they were because we were all under house arrest by my sister. I told my mother as an adult that I wanted to get retested for this learning disability, by a psychologist who has no history with me or my family, that if I really had a learning disability it would crop up, and she didn't want me to go, surprise surprise (because she knew it was BS by this point). The further I got away from them and the older I got, the less "symtoms" I had. My mother just says "oh you must've overcome it!" I didn't overcome anything, I never had it! In 9th grade when I had to do more of this BS testing, I was supposed to do a community service event at school with some friends (we had to do 10 community service hours for the year this would've gotten me about 3-4) but mom pulled me out to go for more bs testing with the therapist, but when we got there my mother was having an "episode" and crying over my sister, promised to only take 5-10 minutes of the therapists time, but ended up taking up.my whole damn session on herself when I could've done that event at school, I was MAD as hell because I sat in the waiting room for nothing knowing I'd have to make up the community service hours I missed, and I was the evil one for daring to vilify my poor poor mother for that, even the therapist was completely unsupportive as to my being upset being pulled out of a school obligation for nothing, because my "poor mother was so upset," I wasnt allowed to have any type of therapy but she was allowed to take up my session for BS testing that she wanted me to have because she was having a hard day.

She was put in to a group home at 11 years old, but was still brought home almost every weekend so her presence was still very much felt.

My mother begs to see me all the time, but I can only do it in small doses because it triggers serious flashbacks and resentments, I make excuses as much as possible, when I've even slightly hinted to the truth it turns into a HUGE fight on how ungrateful I am, usually pointing out all the expensive shit she got me (that I never asked for, I seriously hate it when people try to buy me off), so I have to fake being ok as much as possible to avoid a huge battle. Apparently my PTSD means I'm ungrateful. It's so bad I get triggered when we'll meaning people buy me gifts as an apology because it reminds me of my parents, I don't want "stuff" I want justice and sincerity.

As for my sister, I would never do anything to hurt her (unless it was self defense, if someone is attacking me I don't care how special they are I WILL defend myself), but I honestly wouldn't care if she dropped dead (she has bad seizures so her passing before my parents is highly likely and I'll be off the hook), but if she passes I'll put on my best performance and pretend I care for the sake of my parents.

I am childfree by choice, I did not make that choice so I could be a safety net to other people's kids, I don't want to be responsible for another human being, not mine not anyone else's. My mother used to harass me about giving her grandkids (felt I owed it to her because she worked so hard with us, my autistic sister can't and my other is adopted so I was her only hope for a biological one), though she stopped harassing me after an unplanned pregnancy followed by an abortion (even though she wasn't the reason I think she blamed herself for the abortion). But she feels I'm the best candidate cuz my younger sister plans on having kids someday, plus I've always been more "responsible" than her. nope nope and fuck nope! Not my circus not my monkies

Also my youngest (non autistic) sister has always been a bitch to me while kissing the royal autards ass, even though I'm the one who constantly defended and protected her from being seriously hurt or killed.

your mother begs to see her. tell her to go to fucking hell, she and her bastard sperm donor. that is my opinion of them. they are and were shitty parents. and you tell them to find some other guardian for awtard from hell. SHE IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Their circus, their defective monkey. I, as is put over in narc forums, go nc and tell her why. You state that just seeing this bitch on wheels is a trigger. Because you don't know what this c*** is going to pull: start about awtard sister.
they failed to protect you and your younger sister. if anything, the goddam awtard should have been locked in a padded room in the house. they are nasty vicious abusers and do not deserve anything at all from you, least of all communication.
I repeat, tell her and spermco to go hell where they belong. and as for younger one who wants to kiss the autards asshole, let her deal with this creature. And I think I'd try and find a therapist who specializes in victims of narcissists because your egg and sperm donor sound like classics.

Edit: do not talk to any of them at all. Younger sister, perhaps, but I would keep it at vlc.

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong

Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.

There is a lot here to process. Your situation sounds pretty horrific. My childhood was pretty horrific for different reasons but in the end the road to healing is pretty much the same.

Adulthood gives you the prerogative to look back and judge your parents whether they like it or not. I believe the state of my life today is a result of my own choices. I cannot blame my parents for my life TODAY but I can: 1. see how/why my upbringing shaped me and 2. with therapy, decide whether I want to keep the values I was raised with. Do I want to live like they do?

Some parents justify a lot of bad stuff and give children a line of bullshit, hoping it will stick. Adulthood is kind of great because you can say, holy crap, I wouldn't even want street directions from these people (in my case it's my mom) and there is no way I would want to live life like that. it's painful and it takes a lot of therapy to get there.

Don't be surprised if people do not want to hear about horrible parents. We acknowledge there is evil in the world, right? There are people who have sex with dead people and do incredibly evil things, yet all parunts are automatically saints. So fecking annoying. This is why you need professional help. Shop around and do not be afraid to move on if you don't click with the first or the third one. You might even want to find someone who specializes in family dynamics. Keep going until you find one that is not automatically on Team Parent

Usually when bad shit is going on, one person will speak up and be the truth-teller and that person will be punished for it. In my case, I was the one speaking up while my older sister (who was out of the house sooner) was a constant litany of "mom did the best she could.*"

Reading your story, it appears your parents fundamentally failed you. They did not protect you from your raging autard sister when they had a responsibility to do so. Are situations like this hard, where a child has cancer or has autism? Sure, but there are healthy families where one kid needed a lot such as medical resources, and the other kids still felt loved and supported during the process. It can be done.

It seems they very much had a vested interest in appearing "normal" or like "great, caring parents" and insisting the kid was not a problem when she obviously was, and you and your sister paid the price. They had a responsibility to raise you with what you needed and they failed miserably. It sounds like they are still in denial about a lot of things.

Just because your parents said or lived X, Y or Z, it doesn't mean that is the gospel. You do not have to accept the rules your parents made today. Just reading what you wrote, I would absolutely not be my sister's guardian and I would absolutely not tell them this while they are alive because from the sound of them, they will only make your life Hell.

If you want to make small talk with them, okay, but stop telling your mom anything significant about your life, because it's pretty obvious they do not have your best interests at heart. It's not "bad" to withhold information from someone who would hurt you with it--IT'S HEALTHY.
It's the road to sanity! You are an adult and you are not obligated to tell your parents anything.

*The good news is, there are good people out there and there are many ways to live. You need therapy to recognize good people because you grew up with bad and good will seem foreign to you at first.

ETA: I highly recommend Al alon or another 12 step program if there was alcohol or substance abuse in your family. Or AA for you if you are medicating with booze.

Quote
bell_flower
There is a lot here to process. Your situation sounds pretty horrific. My childhood was pretty horrific for different reasons but in the end the road to healing is pretty much the same.

Adulthood gives you the prerogative to look back and judge your parents whether they like it or not. I believe the state of my life today is a result of my own choices. I cannot blame my parents for my life TODAY but I can: 1. see how/why my upbringing shaped me and 2. with therapy, decide whether I want to keep the values I was raised with. Do I want to live like they do?

Some parents justify a lot of bad stuff and give children a line of bullshit, hoping it will stick. Adulthood is kind of great because you can say, holy crap, I wouldn't even want street directions from these people (in my case it's my mom) and there is no way I would want to live life like that. it's painful and it takes a lot of therapy to get there.

Don't be surprised if people do not want to hear about horrible parents. We acknowledge there is evil in the world, right? There are people who have sex with dead people and do incredibly evil things, yet all parunts are automatically saints. So fecking annoying. This is why you need professional help. Shop around and do not be afraid to move on if you don't click with the first or the third one. You might even want to find someone who specializes in family dynamics. Keep going until you find one that is not automatically on Team Parent

Usually when bad shit is going on, one person will speak up and be the truth-teller and that person will be punished for it. In my case, I was the one speaking up while my older sister (who was out of the house sooner) was a constant litany of "mom did the best she could.*"

Reading your story, it appears your parents fundamentally failed you. They did not protect you from your raging autard sister when they had a responsibility to do so. Are situations like this hard, where a child has cancer or has autism? Sure, but there are healthy families where one kid needed a lot such as medical resources, and the other kids still felt loved and supported during the process. It can be done.

It seems they very much had a vested interest in appearing "normal" or like "great, caring parents" and insisting the kid was not a problem when she obviously was, and you and your sister paid the price. They had a responsibility to raise you with what you needed and they failed miserably. It sounds like they are still in denial about a lot of things.

Just because your parents said or lived X, Y or Z, it doesn't mean that is the gospel. You do not have to accept the rules your parents made today. Just reading what you wrote, I would absolutely not be my sister's guardian and I would absolutely not tell them this while they are alive because from the sound of them, they will only make your life Hell.

If you want to make small talk with them, okay, but stop telling your mom anything significant about your life, because it's pretty obvious they do not have your best interests at heart. It's not "bad" to withhold information from someone who would hurt you with it--IT'S HEALTHY.
It's the road to sanity! You are an adult and you are not obligated to tell your parents anything.

*The good news is, there are good people out there and there are many ways to live. You need therapy to recognize good people because you grew up with bad and good will seem foreign to you at first.

ETA: I highly recommend Al alon or another 12 step program if there was alcohol or substance abuse in your family. Or AA for you if you are medicating with booze.

I don't medicate with alcohol I actually hardly ever drink it at all, but I do have an active eating disorder. Right now I've been using covid as an excuse to not see my parents (mom is frail with alot of health problems so this excuse works), but they keep still sending me presents in the mail I've never asked for, I don't want "stuff" I want sincerity and justice. I hate, HATE it when people try to buy me off, or seduce me with money and expensive things in lieu of a sincere and heartfelt APOLOGY. Theyd buy endless shiney expensive crap for me but NEVER apologize nor acknowledge the horrible shit they did in the name of autizm. My mom moos about how she "had no life and would never hang out with friends herself to make sure we were ok." Another guilt trip. I snapped at my last boyfriend for buying me flowers after a fight, I said "don't buy me shit just apologize!" I felt bad cuz he meant well, he understood after I explained it to him. I don't mind gifts for bdays, Xmas, anniversaries etc but it triggers me when people get me stuff in lieu of an apology or try to apologize with stuff.

Even other autizm siblings don't get it, they always talk about how their tard sib farts rainbows and unicorns, it was such a wonderful experience for them, their brother is just like rainman, and it made them oh so mature/wise. I don't consider maturity beyond your years to be a good nor healthy thing, a child should be a child, they should NEVER have "maturity" beyond their years that is NOT healthy, autizmoos always seem to think this is a good thing. They look at me like I'm a monster for not thinking autism is just the cats pajamas.

And my youngest sister, seriously fuck her. That bitch is alive because of ME, yet I'm somehow the wicked one. Part of me wishes I let the tard off her. I have one memory where she was only like 4, she was in the dining room watching TV eating a snack minding her own business, tard walks in and SMACKS/pushes her in the head and she falls back WHILE in the chair and chair falls backwards on to the floor, completely unprovoked!!!! She was eating, how she didn't choke or get a head injury I don't know. My sister was really young so I don't think she remembers it (I hardly remember shit from before 5-6 years old) but I was like 11 so I remember it like yesterday, I'm the one who saw it happen mom was cooking in the kitchen so didn't see it happen, tho she came running when she heard the screams. I remember at that moment I was taking out the cockatiel I had at the time (her cage for as in dining room) and I had to put her right back and rescue my sister. When my mom picked her up the fucking monster started digging into my sister's arms!!!!

This was late 90s/early 2000s, had this happened today I imagine CPS would've gotten involved.

If i had been a bit better off and a little more motivated and not whacko myself (yeah, I definitely am not normal), mom would never have heard from me aside from the occasional post card.
My ex was one of these famblee worshipping assholes who seem to absolve any cow of the worst simply because they shit out a kid. I had the benefit of learning how to drive a semi with him. Drove for almost 6 years cross country. Gave me an undying thirst for the road although I don't think I'll ever do it again. Howsomever, he just kept yawping about talking to my mom. So, eventually I did. And eventually he saw her for what she was. And I have to say she had calmed down in later years. Perhaps they mellow.
but if you have no reason to, I'd just stay away from mommy. you said it is a trigger to deal with her. avoid the trigger. just write letters. that way you don't have to listen to the crap. and ignore your sister. I think I can guarantee that when mom and dad get too old to deal with awtard, even though she is in a home, your sister is going to try and dump tardleigh onto you. so, I would still communicate as little as possible and nothing more than a postcard. she doesn't deserve it.

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong

Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.

Quote

I don't want "stuff" I want sincerity and justice.

That's the crux of the problem. They are damaged people. Giving you justice means they would have to admit they are wrong and it sounds like they are FAR away from that. You are going to the hardware store for bread. This is why you go to therapy. It's one thing to realize something in your head, but therapy helps you realize it all over: head, heart, body. It means anger, grief, sadness and eventually acceptance.

A heartfelt, non-manipulative gift is a nice thing. It means someone is thinking of you. Your parents are sending you gifts because they want to buy you. There mere acceptance of these gifts means you are still engaged.

twocents is giving you great advice and it's to the point. I do not see any situation where this does not end badly for you. Staying engaged with them gives them the message they can continue to manipulate you and tell themselves they are Awesome Parunts^TM. It keeps the lie going. Eventually they will dump the brat on you.

Do not take any financial help from them again, ever, even if it means getting another job.

Walking away means dropping the rope. The only way to win at this point is not to play. Block them, block their calls, send the gifts back unopened. It's real simple to write "delivery refused" and give it back to the post office or FexEx or similar. It seems daunting, but it's not hard. if they track you down, just say, I want no contact with you again, ever.

If your sister wants to suck up, great! She can take care of the brat. Win win!

Use the time when you are not engaging with them to work on yourself.

I'm terribly, terribly sorry that you had to go through this hell, it hurts to hear what happened to you and what was taken away from you. These people absolutely sound like insane hellions, narcissists and also sadists. I mean only a complete sadist would refuse you from getting professional help for yourself, despite them knowing damn well that you need it, and just being okay with you suffering, while they seemingly get to 'keep their face' as 'oh so awesome martyr parunts of a speshul-needs angel'. Its deeply sickening.
I also agree with and cherish all the good advice given to you here.
No Contact after a hard and clear explanation is a good way to cut these toxic people off, and make sure you never get forced by any means to take care of that raging and dangerous lunatic. Also, sending back the expensive crap without opening - eventually they'll maybe finally get it that you are not the freaking sellout they hope for. I would even say, they deserve no contact whatsoever, not even letters.
I also hope that you'll be able to find a fitting and understanding therapist to help you work with the trauma of it all.
All the best!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Freedom & Art & Music >>>>>>>>>> human spawn

"Music is immortal. People are not."
-William Anger, "King's Story" - Thief2 FM by Zontik