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Chose 'special needs' nephew over 17 year marriage (faaambbleee)

Posted by twocents 
Chose 'special needs' nephew over 17 year marriage (faaambbleee)
October 09, 2020
From the cf forum over on reddit. Some people there seem to have difficulties with the fact she's walking out. Leading to another post today from another member asking why should someone cf be attacked, guilted, called evil simply because they don't want to be saddled with someone elses mistake or even misfortune.

I am willing to bet, if ex hubs doesn't end up dead (these sort, sometimes happens) he will regret this decision. I would love a long time update on this.

Husband decided he's raising his nephew, with or without me

Me, (40f) and my husband (40m) married for 17 years, are strictly CF and happy (so I thought). A bit of backstory, won't get into the dirty details, but his nephew (15) has been living with FIL for a year and they now decide it's not working (he's too much to handle, has issues, parents total deadbeats) and it's us or foster care.

Husband (without even speaking to me) says we will take him. He is also somewhat special needs so will not be a matter of at 18 we're in the clear. I am sick over this. Devastated doesn't even begin to express my current state of mind. I am obviously going to be divorcing him. My entire life's plan has been shattered overnight. I am not only losing my husband, but have come to realize I mean absolutely nothing to him. The life we have built together means nothing. Our vows, love, sacrifices, all of it! Nothing! Seventeen years I have wasted on this marriage.

I don't know what to do or where to start. Mortgage is up in March, so selling will be out of the question until then (I refuse to lose more money on this) thanks to covid, can't afford to move out until then.

Just tell me it will be ok...



UPDATE: Spoke to FIL this morning and found out some of the reasons they're unable to provide for him: he is becoming increasingly violent, has threatened to kill both MIL and FIL, almost killed their cat (threw it across the room into a wall). FIL has offered to pay to have him placed a private home / facility (NOT foster care!) where he can get the professional help he needs. And hope to have him back someday. My husband knew all of this when he said we'll take him and conveniently left out these details. What a stand up guy. I now know that I don't know the man I have been with for almost 20 years.

For those asking about his special needs: His mental capacity is that of a child ~ around 7 or 8 years old. He cannot read, be left alone, and currently cannot understand his actions or consequences. I am not able to care for him. A friend of mine takes care of special needs kids and I asked her for advice (am I being heartless, evil etc for knowing my limits) she told my my husband is naïve and this will ultimately end up with him being in a home regardless and possibly do more harm than good because it takes a special set of skills to care for someone like nephew.

Why am I leaving? I do not want to make things harder for my husband or his nephew. I am leaving because a life-changing decision was made without my consent. So is raising a child. Now that I have found out he lied to me (see above) I can never trust him again. Our marriage was based on mutual respect and honesty. That is broken. I would never expect him to choose between us, and I won't stay with him whether he takes his nephew or not. I do not plan on taking him to the cleaners, I will be fair and will tell CPS he is a good person and his heart is in the right place. While I get ready to leave, I will help him in any way I can.

Thank you to those who have supported me. You have no idea how much it has helped.

To anyone who wants to judge me, that's fine, it's your right. I hope you are never put in this situation. I commend you for thinking you would "do the right thing". You can call me names, tell me I'm heartless and evil, it honestly doesn't bother me in the slightest. I simply live in reality and have firm boundaries.

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children
and I defy anyone to prove me wrong:

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet I'll put shoes on my pets.

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Entitlement, thy name is mooooooooooooooo

Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.
Re: Chose 'special needs' nephew over 17 year marriage (faaambbleee)
October 09, 2020
I wonder if hubby wants to take the kid in as the private care place after three years or more could wipe out an inheritance? It is like with the nursing homes, adult offspring taking in elderly parents to hang onto the inheritance and going through hell with them with dementia. Unless this idiot was a fencesitter and is making up for the "evil" of being CF and is full of guilt or something.
Re: Chose 'special needs' nephew over 17 year marriage (faaambbleee)
October 10, 2020
Quote

almost killed their cat

If a kid did that to my cat, he would very rapidly become a problem for no one. She's definitely doing the right thing by walking.

Quote
cfdavep
I wonder if hubby wants to take the kid in as the private care place after three years or more could wipe out an inheritance? It is like with the nursing homes, adult offspring taking in elderly parents to hang onto the inheritance and going through hell with them with dementia. Unless this idiot was a fencesitter and is making up for the "evil" of being CF and is full of guilt or something.

I imagine it's the same case as with the others that have been posted on reddit in recent months (remember the guy telling his fiance/wife (can't remember which) that his niece and nephew would "be moving in on Friday" after their parents died? And there's been another since then, besides this one)...he gets to be a selfless hero by agreeing to take in the precious children that, oddly, nobody else in the family seems to want, but it doesn't really cost him anything because obviously the woman's going to be the one doing all the work, right?
Re: Chose 'special needs' nephew over 17 year marriage (faaambbleee)
October 11, 2020
I am wondering if ol' hubs might need a brutal sit-down talk by your friend over the harsh realities of what care-taking role he's thinking he can sign you guys up for. It's possible hubs might be grossly overestimating how capable he is, or he got hardcore guilt-tripped by family and didn't dare (or feel he could) say 'No.'

You are not a bad person for knowing your limits. Whether or not you divorce is up to you, but I am thinking he got pushed into it, or feels guilty about something and this is his way of 'making up for it. ' Usually there is more then meets the eye on these things. Nobody just decides to take in a mentally retarded and violent teenager without thinking about it long and hard and especially without consulting their spouse who they claim to love. Something is up with hubs here that he is not telling you.
Re: Chose 'special needs' nephew over 17 year marriage (faaambbleee)
October 11, 2020
The dude may not want his dad to be bankrupted by taking care of this kid or he wants to break the marriage up anyway. She is right to leave him after he made such a key decision without her.
Re: Chose 'special needs' nephew over 17 year marriage (faaambbleee)
October 12, 2020
That is a game some men play. Become a nightmare of a person so the girlfriend or wife is the one that leaves for the convenience of not having to break up, plus he gets to be the hero as she walks out the door
Re: Chose 'special needs' nephew over 17 year marriage (faaambbleee)
October 12, 2020
bell_flower: hubby doesn't seem to care about the likelihood of bankrupting his household

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children
and I defy anyone to prove me wrong:

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet I'll put shoes on my pets.

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Entitlement, thy name is mooooooooooooooo

Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.
Re: Chose 'special needs' nephew over 17 year marriage (faaambbleee)
October 14, 2020
I've known more than one person who has that "knight in shining armor" complex and can't turn down someone who is pathetic. The more impossible, hopeless and pathetic the more it whets the appetite. It is a great distraction for the rescuer to avoid facing his own issues. Best to completely avoid being part of this dynamic.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle

Quote

1. The Victim: The Victim's stance is "Poor me!" The Victim feels victimized, oppressed, helpless, hopeless, powerless, ashamed, and seems unable to make decisions, solve problems, take pleasure in life, or achieve insight. The Victim, if not being persecuted, will seek out a Persecutor and also a Rescuer who will save the day but also perpetuate the Victim's negative feelings.
2. The Rescuer: The rescuer's line is "Let me help you." A classic enabler, the Rescuer feels guilty if they don't go to the rescue. Yet their rescuing has negative effects: It keeps the Victim dependent and gives the Victim permission to fail. The rewards derived from this rescue role are that the focus is taken off of the rescuer. When they focus their energy on someone else, it enables them to ignore their own anxiety and issues. This rescue role is also pivotal because their actual primary interest is really an avoidance of their own problems disguised as concern for the victim’s needs.
3. The Persecutor: (a.k.a. Villain) The Persecutor insists, "It's all your fault." The Persecutor is controlling, blaming, critical, oppressive, angry, authoritarian, rigid, and superior.

If FIL was healthy (and not the Victim) then the nephew wouldn't be given the option of fathering the brat. FIL would have said brat is going to foster care and not have asked for any intervention. FIL knows his son is the Rescuer, it is likely a long standing famblee dynamic.

Good for her for seeing the reality of the situation, walking away abruptly and not becoming the persecutor. Any criticism on her part would make her the persecutor. It is very likely her husband and FIL already consider her the persecutor since she refuses to be pulled into the situation. My guess is her husband has played rescuer previously, just not to this extent.

I doubt that she means nothing to him but his compulsion to be the rescuer (long standing famblee dymanic) is more compelling than a wife who has her act together. If she were a hot mess it would likely have never come to this, because his desire to be the rescuer would be fulfilled.

Once she leaves I wonder how long it will take for the son to get fed up with the brat and become the persecutor? I think this is the most likely next-scenario.
Re: Chose 'special needs' nephew over 17 year marriage (faaambbleee)
October 14, 2020
I've known more than one man who has that "knight in shining armor" complex and can't turn down someone who is pathetic. The more impossible, hopeless and pathetic the more it whets his appetite. It is a great distraction for the rescuer to avoid facing his own issues.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle

Quote

1. The Victim: The Victim's stance is "Poor me!" The Victim feels victimized, oppressed, helpless, hopeless, powerless, ashamed, and seems unable to make decisions, solve problems, take pleasure in life, or achieve insight. The Victim, if not being persecuted, will seek out a Persecutor and also a Rescuer who will save the day but also perpetuate the Victim's negative feelings.
2. The Rescuer: The rescuer's line is "Let me help you." A classic enabler, the Rescuer feels guilty if they don't go to the rescue. Yet their rescuing has negative effects: It keeps the Victim dependent and gives the Victim permission to fail. The rewards derived from this rescue role are that the focus is taken off of the rescuer. When they focus their energy on someone else, it enables them to ignore their own anxiety and issues. This rescue role is also pivotal because their actual primary interest is really an avoidance of their own problems disguised as concern for the victim’s needs.
3. The Persecutor: (a.k.a. Villain) The Persecutor insists, "It's all your fault." The Persecutor is controlling, blaming, critical, oppressive, angry, authoritarian, rigid, and superior.

If FIL was healthy (and not the Victim) then the nephew wouldn't be given the option of fathering the brat. FIL would have said brat is going to foster care and not have asked for any intervention. FIL knows his son is the Rescuer, it is likely a long standing famblee dynamic.

Good for her for seeing the reality of the situation, walking away abruptly and not becoming the persecutor. Any criticism on her part would make her the persecutor. It is very likely her husband and FIL already consider her the persecutor since she refuses to be pulled into the situation. My guess is her husband has played rescuer previously, just not to this extent.

I doubt that she means nothing to him but his compulsion to be the rescuer (long standing famblee dymanic) is more compelling than a wife who has her act together. If she were a hot mess it would likely have never come to this, because his desire to be the rescuer would be fulfilled.

Once she leaves I wonder how long it will take for the son to get fed up with the brat and become the persecutor? I think this is the most likely next-scenario.
Re: Chose 'special needs' nephew over 17 year marriage (faaambbleee)
October 14, 2020
In most situations, men get to hide at the office all day and the woman will be stuck with the cunt work. This asshat would hide at his office and only be home just before tardleigh falls asleep and on the weekends, and would expect her to do everything bc she's a woman. Good on her for walking away.
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