Chose 'special needs' nephew over 17 year marriage (faaambbleee)

From the cf forum over on reddit. Some people there seem to have difficulties with the fact she's walking out. Leading to another post today from another member asking why should someone cf be attacked, guilted, called evil simply because they don't want to be saddled with someone elses mistake or even misfortune.

I am willing to bet, if ex hubs doesn't end up dead (these sort, sometimes happens) he will regret this decision. I would love a long time update on this.

Husband decided he's raising his nephew, with or without me

Me, (40f) and my husband (40m) married for 17 years, are strictly CF and happy (so I thought). A bit of backstory, won't get into the dirty details, but his nephew (15) has been living with FIL for a year and they now decide it's not working (he's too much to handle, has issues, parents total deadbeats) and it's us or foster care.

Husband (without even speaking to me) says we will take him. He is also somewhat special needs so will not be a matter of at 18 we're in the clear. I am sick over this. Devastated doesn't even begin to express my current state of mind. I am obviously going to be divorcing him. My entire life's plan has been shattered overnight. I am not only losing my husband, but have come to realize I mean absolutely nothing to him. The life we have built together means nothing. Our vows, love, sacrifices, all of it! Nothing! Seventeen years I have wasted on this marriage.

I don't know what to do or where to start. Mortgage is up in March, so selling will be out of the question until then (I refuse to lose more money on this) thanks to covid, can't afford to move out until then.

Just tell me it will be ok...



UPDATE: Spoke to FIL this morning and found out some of the reasons they're unable to provide for him: he is becoming increasingly violent, has threatened to kill both MIL and FIL, almost killed their cat (threw it across the room into a wall). FIL has offered to pay to have him placed a private home / facility (NOT foster care!) where he can get the professional help he needs. And hope to have him back someday. My husband knew all of this when he said we'll take him and conveniently left out these details. What a stand up guy. I now know that I don't know the man I have been with for almost 20 years.

For those asking about his special needs: His mental capacity is that of a child ~ around 7 or 8 years old. He cannot read, be left alone, and currently cannot understand his actions or consequences. I am not able to care for him. A friend of mine takes care of special needs kids and I asked her for advice (am I being heartless, evil etc for knowing my limits) she told my my husband is naïve and this will ultimately end up with him being in a home regardless and possibly do more harm than good because it takes a special set of skills to care for someone like nephew.

Why am I leaving? I do not want to make things harder for my husband or his nephew. I am leaving because a life-changing decision was made without my consent. So is raising a child. Now that I have found out he lied to me (see above) I can never trust him again. Our marriage was based on mutual respect and honesty. That is broken. I would never expect him to choose between us, and I won't stay with him whether he takes his nephew or not. I do not plan on taking him to the cleaners, I will be fair and will tell CPS he is a good person and his heart is in the right place. While I get ready to leave, I will help him in any way I can.

Thank you to those who have supported me. You have no idea how much it has helped.

To anyone who wants to judge me, that's fine, it's your right. I hope you are never put in this situation. I commend you for thinking you would "do the right thing". You can call me names, tell me I'm heartless and evil, it honestly doesn't bother me in the slightest. I simply live in reality and have firm boundaries.

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong

Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.

I wonder if hubby wants to take the kid in as the private care place after three years or more could wipe out an inheritance? It is like with the nursing homes, adult offspring taking in elderly parents to hang onto the inheritance and going through hell with them with dementia. Unless this idiot was a fencesitter and is making up for the "evil" of being CF and is full of guilt or something.

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almost killed their cat

If a kid did that to my cat, he would very rapidly become a problem for no one. She's definitely doing the right thing by walking.

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cfdavep
I wonder if hubby wants to take the kid in as the private care place after three years or more could wipe out an inheritance? It is like with the nursing homes, adult offspring taking in elderly parents to hang onto the inheritance and going through hell with them with dementia. Unless this idiot was a fencesitter and is making up for the "evil" of being CF and is full of guilt or something.

I imagine it's the same case as with the others that have been posted on reddit in recent months (remember the guy telling his fiance/wife (can't remember which) that his niece and nephew would "be moving in on Friday" after their parents died? And there's been another since then, besides this one)...he gets to be a selfless hero by agreeing to take in the precious children that, oddly, nobody else in the family seems to want, but it doesn't really cost him anything because obviously the woman's going to be the one doing all the work, right?

I am wondering if ol' hubs might need a brutal sit-down talk by your friend over the harsh realities of what care-taking role he's thinking he can sign you guys up for. It's possible hubs might be grossly overestimating how capable he is, or he got hardcore guilt-tripped by family and didn't dare (or feel he could) say 'No.'

You are not a bad person for knowing your limits. Whether or not you divorce is up to you, but I am thinking he got pushed into it, or feels guilty about something and this is his way of 'making up for it. ' Usually there is more then meets the eye on these things. Nobody just decides to take in a mentally retarded and violent teenager without thinking about it long and hard and especially without consulting their spouse who they claim to love. Something is up with hubs here that he is not telling you.

The dude may not want his dad to be bankrupted by taking care of this kid or he wants to break the marriage up anyway. She is right to leave him after he made such a key decision without her.

That is a game some men play. Become a nightmare of a person so the girlfriend or wife is the one that leaves for the convenience of not having to break up, plus he gets to be the hero as she walks out the door

bell_flower: hubby doesn't seem to care about the likelihood of bankrupting his household

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong

Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.

I've known more than one person who has that "knight in shining armor" complex and can't turn down someone who is pathetic. The more impossible, hopeless and pathetic the more it whets the appetite. It is a great distraction for the rescuer to avoid facing his own issues. Best to completely avoid being part of this dynamic.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle

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1. The Victim: The Victim's stance is "Poor me!" The Victim feels victimized, oppressed, helpless, hopeless, powerless, ashamed, and seems unable to make decisions, solve problems, take pleasure in life, or achieve insight. The Victim, if not being persecuted, will seek out a Persecutor and also a Rescuer who will save the day but also perpetuate the Victim's negative feelings.
2. The Rescuer: The rescuer's line is "Let me help you." A classic enabler, the Rescuer feels guilty if they don't go to the rescue. Yet their rescuing has negative effects: It keeps the Victim dependent and gives the Victim permission to fail. The rewards derived from this rescue role are that the focus is taken off of the rescuer. When they focus their energy on someone else, it enables them to ignore their own anxiety and issues. This rescue role is also pivotal because their actual primary interest is really an avoidance of their own problems disguised as concern for the victim’s needs.
3. The Persecutor: (a.k.a. Villain) The Persecutor insists, "It's all your fault." The Persecutor is controlling, blaming, critical, oppressive, angry, authoritarian, rigid, and superior.

If FIL was healthy (and not the Victim) then the nephew wouldn't be given the option of fathering the brat. FIL would have said brat is going to foster care and not have asked for any intervention. FIL knows his son is the Rescuer, it is likely a long standing famblee dynamic.

Good for her for seeing the reality of the situation, walking away abruptly and not becoming the persecutor. Any criticism on her part would make her the persecutor. It is very likely her husband and FIL already consider her the persecutor since she refuses to be pulled into the situation. My guess is her husband has played rescuer previously, just not to this extent.

I doubt that she means nothing to him but his compulsion to be the rescuer (long standing famblee dymanic) is more compelling than a wife who has her act together. If she were a hot mess it would likely have never come to this, because his desire to be the rescuer would be fulfilled.

Once she leaves I wonder how long it will take for the son to get fed up with the brat and become the persecutor? I think this is the most likely next-scenario.

I've known more than one man who has that "knight in shining armor" complex and can't turn down someone who is pathetic. The more impossible, hopeless and pathetic the more it whets his appetite. It is a great distraction for the rescuer to avoid facing his own issues.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle

Quote

1. The Victim: The Victim's stance is "Poor me!" The Victim feels victimized, oppressed, helpless, hopeless, powerless, ashamed, and seems unable to make decisions, solve problems, take pleasure in life, or achieve insight. The Victim, if not being persecuted, will seek out a Persecutor and also a Rescuer who will save the day but also perpetuate the Victim's negative feelings.
2. The Rescuer: The rescuer's line is "Let me help you." A classic enabler, the Rescuer feels guilty if they don't go to the rescue. Yet their rescuing has negative effects: It keeps the Victim dependent and gives the Victim permission to fail. The rewards derived from this rescue role are that the focus is taken off of the rescuer. When they focus their energy on someone else, it enables them to ignore their own anxiety and issues. This rescue role is also pivotal because their actual primary interest is really an avoidance of their own problems disguised as concern for the victim’s needs.
3. The Persecutor: (a.k.a. Villain) The Persecutor insists, "It's all your fault." The Persecutor is controlling, blaming, critical, oppressive, angry, authoritarian, rigid, and superior.

If FIL was healthy (and not the Victim) then the nephew wouldn't be given the option of fathering the brat. FIL would have said brat is going to foster care and not have asked for any intervention. FIL knows his son is the Rescuer, it is likely a long standing famblee dynamic.

Good for her for seeing the reality of the situation, walking away abruptly and not becoming the persecutor. Any criticism on her part would make her the persecutor. It is very likely her husband and FIL already consider her the persecutor since she refuses to be pulled into the situation. My guess is her husband has played rescuer previously, just not to this extent.

I doubt that she means nothing to him but his compulsion to be the rescuer (long standing famblee dymanic) is more compelling than a wife who has her act together. If she were a hot mess it would likely have never come to this, because his desire to be the rescuer would be fulfilled.

Once she leaves I wonder how long it will take for the son to get fed up with the brat and become the persecutor? I think this is the most likely next-scenario.

In most situations, men get to hide at the office all day and the woman will be stuck with the cunt work. This asshat would hide at his office and only be home just before tardleigh falls asleep and on the weekends, and would expect her to do everything bc she's a woman. Good on her for walking away.

Bumping this because there's been an update:

https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/comments/kqexxf/update_from_husband_decided_hes_raising_his_nephew/

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u/throwawayforobvs7777

I posted "Husband decided he's raising his nephew, with or without me" a couple of months back and received a lot of good advice and support along with a lot of hate. Ultimately, I ended up leaving and haven't had much contact with my-soon-to-be-ex (ex) and have had no contact with his family.

This weekend, I got a call from my ex begging me to consider working things out. His nephew has been placed in a temporary foster home waiting for a treatment facility bed due to some deep issues, including watching illegal content involving "acts" with animals (which was apparently the last straw for my ex). Hopefully he can get the help he needs.

I'm most definitely staying single, I'm pretty happy and doing ok. Still mourning the end of my marriage and loss of my partner, but feeling strong. I'm so much happier without his family in my life and looking forward to my future.

Thanks to everyone who validated my reactions and feelings. I guess a lesson here is be careful what hill you choose to die on. Ex is alone and miserable, I am happy and free. Don't ditch a good partner to become a martyr.

Husband realized he screwed up but she realizes she's better off without him. And who can blame her, if her husband of 17 years was willing to throw her under the bus for a violent, autardly nephew, then who knows what he would do in the future if she went back to him. It hurts to lose a long term partner, but better the devil you know than the devil you don't know.

And really, it took the autard watching beastiality/beast sex videos to finally drive home to the guy that his nephew had major problems??

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Peace
And really, it took the autard watching beastiality/beast sex videos to finally drive home to the guy that his nephew had major problems??

+++++++++++++

Passive Aggressive
Master Of Anti-brat
Excuses!

Good for her for keeping away. Junior might be in a foster home waiting to get placed in a facility, but who is to say Duh wouldn't haul his ass back home once he felt he had re-secured his wife to be a Moo to the tard? What if he winds up not getting placed in a facility after all, or what if the foster family doesn't want him anymore?

Even if he's rid of the tard nephew forever, the fact still remains that he fucked up to an unforgivable degree. If he can't respect his wife enough to discuss such a huge issue that would affect both of them before making a final decision, he doesn't deserve her. Let the fucker be miserable and deal with the fact that his stupidity cost him his marriage. I hope the tard was worth it.

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Cambion
Good for her for keeping away. Junior might be in a foster home waiting to get placed in a facility, but who is to say Duh wouldn't haul his ass back home once he felt he had re-secured his wife to be a Moo to the tard? What if he winds up not getting placed in a facility after all, or what if the foster family doesn't want him anymore?

Exactly. If she stayed she may very well be miserable and the one taking care of the tard where the ex-husband would try to minimize what she goes through. Ex-husband has already proven he is willing to make life changing decisions without consulting his ex-wife of 17 years. He would have continued to do this if she stayed in the marriage. There could very well be other kids in his famblee who need a parunt.

I wouldn't be surprised if she has gained lots of clarity from the separation and has noted other ways in which he fell short. I highly doubt this was his only flaw.

My guess is that it was one of two things. One, that he secretly wanted to be a duhd and saw this as the “easy” way to force his wife into it. Or two, he wanted the head pats from his family and society for taking the “unwanted chyld” in, and figured that his wife would be the one doing all the actual childcare because she’s the one with the vagina. Either way, it looks like he didn’t last long once he realized that she wouldn’t be around to do the cuntwork.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________
"Not every ejaculation deserves a name" - George Carlin

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LoveToLurk
Or two, he wanted the head pats from his family and society for taking the “unwanted chyld” in, and figured that his wife would be the one doing all the actual childcare because she’s the one with the vagina. Either way, it looks like he didn’t last long once he realized that she wouldn’t be around to do the cuntwork.

I think in every case we've seen recently where a man has decided his childfree wife is going to be a mother to his nieces/nephews/second cousins twice removed whether she likes it or not, that it's exactly as you say here: it's an opportunity for him to be the hero of the family, get all the praise and headpats and duhd glory, while his wife does all the work, takes the hit to her career, social life, and free time, essentially giving up everything about herself while he struts around being congratulated on what a wonderful uncle/son/cousin/whatthefuckever he is. I think in every one of these cases, if he knew ahead of time that his wife or girlfriend was going to stand up for herself and walk, he would never in a million years consider becoming a single dad voluntarily.

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kittehpeoples

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LoveToLurk
Or two, he wanted the head pats from his family and society for taking the “unwanted chyld” in, and figured that his wife would be the one doing all the actual childcare because she’s the one with the vagina. Either way, it looks like he didn’t last long once he realized that she wouldn’t be around to do the cuntwork.

I think in every case we've seen recently where a man has decided his childfree wife is going to be a mother to his nieces/nephews/second cousins twice removed whether she likes it or not, that it's exactly as you say here: it's an opportunity for him to be the hero of the family, get all the praise and headpats and duhd glory, while his wife does all the work, takes the hit to her career, social life, and free time, essentially giving up everything about herself while he struts around being congratulated on what a wonderful uncle/son/cousin/whatthefuckever he is. I think in every one of these cases, if he knew ahead of time that his wife or girlfriend was going to stand up for herself and walk, he would never in a million years consider becoming a single dad voluntarily.

Agreed. At least honest breeders are straightforward about wanting to breed. But people like this are hiding out and pretending to be childfree but they are just dishonestfuckers. They are "I'm childfree unless it gives me the circumstances I need to derive ego fulfillment, back pats or accolades, then I will change my tune. Spouse or significant other fall in line (and do all the cunt work) or be damned!". I'm so happy to hear of the spouses/significant others who don't fall for their hard core tactics and tell them to shove it and enjoy the impending Schadenfreude. I'd guess it is very rare that their dishonest significant others don't regret both adopting the kid and dumping their S.O.

Generally speaking, it's much MUCH easier for men to decide they want kids because they hardly have to do anything compared to women. They don't have to be pregnant for almost a year, give birth and deal with all the physical damage that brings, they aren't expected to actually care for the kids they make and if they put forth the most minimal, most basic effort toward that child maybe once or twice a year, they get heaped with praise and ass pats about what good daddies they are. This guy would probably get all that praise without so much as looking at the tard nephew ever again simply because he chose to take the fucker in.

Meanwhile, it's almost always the woman doing all the work and nobody says a word because it's expected of her to do all the brat wrangling. But if men had to actually raise the kids they want so bad - be it home-grown or second-hand - man I bet they'd change their minds in half a second. It's like a rich asshole who loves having a huge house because someone else cleans it for them, but if they suddenly had to clean it themselves, they'd be looking into a smaller home real quick.

I missed the update... just saw it now...
Hahhahhahahaaaaaaaaaaa karma is a beeaatttcchh
God I love it.
Bet everyone in that famblee knew what a toxic crud that piece of shit is.

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong

Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.