Dividing bratcare based on salary: buyers remorse

Married couple is fighting over who does the housework and brat care.
Isn't this an issue that reasonable people would discuss in depth prior to having two brats?

This couple makes over $440K a year. One spouse earns over $400K and the other around $40K. Both work 40-50 hours a week and have their own businesses. Brats are in daycare while they work. The power struggle is over their time outside of work.

Sounds like the higher earner is having buyer's remorse and is attempting to rationalize why the lower earner should do all housework and brat care. Otherwise, wouldn't they both want to spend every free moment with the brats? The author states both of them love their jobs but obviously neither want to do housework or brat care. And they have such a (very) high combined income why is paying for more help a huge issue? It is money to do the world's more important jahb, after all.

I'm wondering why they aren't paying for a live-in nanny and more frequent house cleaning? Also, why have more than one brat? Did one of them insist on a second kid and now the other one is pissed about it?

https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/11/child-care-division-salary-care-and-feeding.html?utm_source=pocket-newtab

They probably wanted to show off baybees for advantages/attention and didn’t think it through.

I’m guessing the high earner has the traditional professional business and thinks the lower earner’s creative job is just play. (Definitely not true if the business is getting $40k/year. Play businesses seldom break even let alone profit.)

Maybe the higher earner also has some remorse about choosing a career path they’re not passionate about, to get extra money for famblee. In that case, I can understand why they would resent the lower earner for that and decide to dump the childcare on the lower earner as a way of saying “show me you care about famblee as much as I do.” There’s a clear value clash, so I see a divorce and/or a house of horrors coming up.

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misskitty
There’s a clear value clash, so I see a divorce and/or a house of horrors coming up.

Me too. Clearly, both love their jobs. I noticed neither had any desire to take care of their house or kids. Depending on where they live the high earner could end up paying out big time if they divorce. This is two grown adults and they can't agree on something that should be relatively insignificant for them. Brats may have been what caused their relationship to start to implode.

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Brats may have been what caused their relationship to start to implode.

Word. They could have lived their lives and neither would have had to give up the career devotion. Family types often say family is TMITITH^TM but some people get fulfillment from their careers and exercising their mental abilities and earning money.

I read this and definitely wonder what the arrangement was prior to having kids. Lack of discussion or unrealistic expectations likely got them where they are today. Of course, this is ASSUMING it was discussed or thought about in advance, Yeah, I have such a sense of humor.

It's not hard to see the LW is the person with the lower paying job, likely a woman because she sounds emotional and she's demonizing the higher wage person. (And the columnist is also a woman and to me she is reacting with the appropriate hysteria instead of giving them some solid advice.)

The higher wage person may just be pointing out the obvious:

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child care and housekeeping costs are greater than the amount that is being earned by the lower-earning spouse; therefore, the lower-earning spouse’s job does not contribute to the family’s well-being

Purely from a financial POV, the lower wage person's decision to work results in a net economic loss for the family. This is about career choices: A person who is making $40k a year is likely living a somewhat sparse lifestyle. Lots of people choose rewarding jobs that make less money, HOWEVER, if you are making that salary and you want to have kids you better have a stable job, live in podunk, have family support, etc. Plenty of lower wage earners (usually women) are content to marry higher wage earners and have kids they otherwise would not have been able to easily afford. That's why females often are in poverty more than men after a divorce. And yeah, there are divorce, custody and chyld support laws, but getting payment costs money too. If a scumbag is determined to dodge payments, it can be done.

But back to the present situation. It is somewhat relevant who wanted these kids, but someone is going to have to compromise if they want to stay together. Here's what I would say if I were the columnist:

To the high wage earner: If you wanted these kids, great. Kids cost money. If you want your spouse to be happy, you can afford a nanny or more child care. Yes, your spouse's job may be an economic loss for the family right now, but life is about more than money. You won't always need daycare expenses. Don't have any more kids. Just be glad you make tons of cash and you can afford it. Look at the big picture. Quit being a dick about money and quit harping on it. (Seriously, if this person is making $400k a year working 50 hours a week, I am in the wrong profession.) Tell your spouse you are glad he/she is happy. And be glad you make a living that can provide for everyone's happiness.

If you did not want these kids, and you initially agreed to have them because the lower earning spouse waaaaaaaaaaaaaanted them, you were stupid. Did you think you could have a kid and not have your life affected by it? Nevertheless, the past is gone, and you cannot do anything about that. Do not have any more kids!

If you want to stay married, the advice above still stands. Remember if you break up the family now, you will be paying a whole lot more money and your kids will hate you.

To the lower earning spouse: If you wanted these kids and your partner did not, and you talked your spouse into it, you are a dumbass and this is your fault. Why didn't you stop after one kid? Do you realize that your salary alone does not cover expenses for two brats?

Your spouse is pulling down almost all the money. You are the logical person to raise these kids because it's not cost effective for you to work. You did realize having kids means sacrifice, right? If your spouse absolutely does not want to hire more care, your choices are to quit your job and start it again when the kids do not need daycare, or get divorced. If you stay, tell your spouse that you are happy you have this option and you are willing to be an adult and follow through with your decision to have kids. Quit ragging your spouse to do more housework---his/her contribution is the large amount of cash that you are lucky to have as a family. Be supportive.

If you did not want these kids, you are a HUGE DUMBASS. Not only did you not want them, you cannot afford to raise them alone. So you are really trapped now. But the advice above still holds.

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freya

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misskitty
There’s a clear value clash, so I see a divorce and/or a house of horrors coming up.

Me too. Clearly, both love their jobs. I noticed neither had any desire to take care of their house or kids. Depending on where they live the high earner could end up paying out big time if they divorce. This is two grown adults and they can't agree on something that should be relatively insignificant for them. Brats may have been what caused their relationship to start to implode.

I think the lower earner wants to take care of the kids and the house as well as do her job, but feels it’s too difficult without the higher earner pitching in. I don’t think the higher earner loves his job much because he’s using the extra earnings to buy time away from the family and calling the lower earner’s job a hobby. He likely resents that the lower earner is following her passion while the higher earner is biting the bullet to provide extra money for the family.

The value clash I was talking about is that one of them values money above all while the other one follows passion and seriously underestimates the importance of money (Even though they would still be above the poverty line, $40k/year wouldn’t be comfortable for two children).

Bed made lie. I can't find one fuck to give.

+++++++++++++

Passive Aggressive
Master Of Anti-brat
Excuses!

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bell_flower

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Brats may have been what caused their relationship to start to implode.

The higher wage person may just be pointing out the obvious:

Quote

child care and housekeeping costs are greater than the amount that is being earned by the lower-earning spouse; therefore, the lower-earning spouse’s job does not contribute to the family’s well-being

Purely from a financial POV, the lower wage person's decision to work results in a net economic loss for the family. This is about career choices: A person who is making $40k a year is likely living a somewhat sparse lifestyle. Lots of people choose rewarding jobs that make less money, HOWEVER, if you are making that salary and you want to have kids you better have a stable job, live in podunk, have family support, etc. Plenty of lower wage earners (usually women) are content to marry higher wage earners and have kids they otherwise would not have been able to easily afford. That's why females often are in poverty more than men after a divorce. And yeah, there are divorce, custody and chyld support laws, but getting payment costs money too. If a scumbag is determined to dodge payments, it can be done.

But back to the present situation. It is somewhat relevant who wanted these kids, but someone is going to have to compromise if they want to stay together. Here's what I would say if I were the columnist:

To the high wage earner: If you wanted these kids, great. Kids cost money. If you want your spouse to be happy, you can afford a nanny or more child care. Yes, your spouse's job may be an economic loss for the family right now, but life is about more than money. You won't always need daycare expenses. Don't have any more kids. Just be glad you make tons of cash and you can afford it. Look at the big picture. Quit being a dick about money and quit harping on it. (Seriously, if this person is making $400k a year working 50 hours a week, I am in the wrong profession.) Tell your spouse you are glad he/she is happy. And be glad you make a living that can provide for everyone's happiness.

If you did not want these kids, and you initially agreed to have them because the lower earning spouse waaaaaaaaaaaaaanted them, you were stupid. Did you think you could have a kid and not have your life affected by it? Nevertheless, the past is gone, and you cannot do anything about that. Do not have any more kids!

If you want to stay married, the advice above still stands. Remember if you break up the family now, you will be paying a whole lot more money and your kids will hate you.

To the lower earning spouse: If you wanted these kids and your partner did not, and you talked your spouse into it, you are a dumbass and this is your fault. Why didn't you stop after one kid? Do you realize that your salary alone does not cover expenses for two brats?

Your spouse is pulling down almost all the money. You are the logical person to raise these kids because it's not cost effective for you to work. You did realize having kids means sacrifice, right? If your spouse absolutely does not want to hire more care, your choices are to quit your job and start it again when the kids do not need daycare, or get divorced. If you stay, tell your spouse that you are happy you have this option and you are willing to be an adult and follow through with your decision to have kids. Quit ragging your spouse to do more housework---his/her contribution is the large amount of cash that you are lucky to have as a family. Be supportive.

If you did not want these kids, you are a HUGE DUMBASS. Not only did you not want them, you cannot afford to raise them alone. So you are really trapped now. But the advice above still holds.

Great advice, you’d make an excellent columnist. I think both wanted kids but neither of them realized how it would change their lives. Typical breeder mentality.

That being said, I think the wife’s request for more help from him is fair. Unless he’s earning this money from a job he dislikes (major sacrifice for his family, he would need more time to unwind), the money should not be a substitute for spending time with the family he’s supposed to care about.

I do think the columnist makes a good point about the higher wage earner viewing the relationship in transactional terms. “I make $X and you make $Y, therefore I do X and you do Y” is a shitty way to approach a marriage. He/she sounds like an ass.

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