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My Brother Wants Nothing to Do With My Disabled Children - so I asked him to be named guardian

Posted by freya 
Moo's entire famblee have rallied around their two young severely disabled brats. Except for her one brother, who has visited twice. Recently she decided to name two guardians and thought of her brother and his money (the only one in the famblee who barely visits). Just WHY moo? Why even go there? Predictably he says no, not interested. Cue moo asking Care and Feeding if she has to be nice to him anymore. Moo no longer wants a relationship with him because she can't handle having anyone in her life who doesn't want to be around her brats. (Note she has been perfectly okay with him visiting twice in the 19+ months the brats have existed)

The Care and Feeding answer: The brother is extremely selfish (why---because he won't be named guardian?). Other than a few other details provided by the moo what is Care and Feeding basing this extremely selfish label on?
Care and Feeding also thinks the brother owes the moo an apology...for what exactly...for being honest? for not wanting to be a guardian? for saying no?

If she thinks she can ignore her brother and he'll come running back apologizing and promising to be a guardian she is delusional. If he were that concerned about her "feewings" he wouldn't have declined being named a guardian. Her brother doesn't visit much and could either live far away or just not want to be around her drama.

Care and Feeding doesn't bother to point out that moo was perfectly happy with having her brother in her life prior to asking about being a guardian. It is only after he says no that she wants him out of her life. I suspect that her brother having money and not having kids yet (he wants them - or so she says) in her pee brain means that he is responsible for any kids in the famblee.

I suspect moo had a bug up her ass about her brother not visiting and decided to ask him to be a guardian to test him (where the only acceptable answer is yes) and he failed. My guess is that her brother won't want to be around her now because she (and maybe the famblee) will be very passive aggressive to him because he refused to be guardian to her brats.

The sad part of this is that a healthy percentage of people would likely agree with moo and Care and Feeding. This column seems to be very kid-centric.

It doesn't sound like they are very close to begin with. And I too smell a financial incentive.

Assvice Columnist
You may or may not care enough about him at this point to try to get an apology or even seek to attain civility at family events.

When people talk about snowflakes, this is the kind of shit they are talking about. Moo's request was HUGE**. He said no. So he owes her an apology now?

Then the columnist contradicts herself:


The other is that when asking people to be possible guardians for our children (even second-tier just-in-case guardians), especially our children who will need a high level of support as adults and for the rest of their lives, the thing we need more than anything else is … complete honesty.

He certainly gave you that. He doesn’t want to do it. He told you so. He doesn’t feel about them the way you do. He would be a bad guardian. And it’s good that he told you so, no matter how much it hurts.

He was honest. If this woman is such a loving Moo, why would she want to potentially place her brats with someone who didn't want them?

You played the genetic lottery and lost. Be glad other people are willing to help you. Move on.

**We all know what's really bothering this Moo. If you know you are going to birth a child with severe disabilities, to the point that the kid will NEVER be able to live as an adult, would you sign up for that? It would be hard, frustrating and heart breaking. You get to watch your kid suffer medically. Your kid will likely be teased and tortured by its peers. You will possibly lose your marriage depending on the partner you picked. Your life as you knew it is over, and your kid will never grow up and leave. Moo is just mad that her brother GETS TO SAY NO THANKS.


Care and Feeding is a Moo Corral where cows gather to chew their cud. Of course, they would think that not wanting to sniff shitty diapers all day is selfish, or give all your money to the care of brats is selfish. It won't matter if the brother is child free or not.


Passive Aggressive
Master Of Anti-brat
Yeah, I get the impression it was entirely financial. He has money and she was counting on him to feel too guilty to say no (she already knew he didn't care about her and her kids, so what other reason would he have to say yes?). I wonder if it even crossed her mind that if he accepted a legal obligation to care for the kids at a future date, that she'd be able to hit him up for financial support before then, or at least guilt him into that, too. And then he gave her a cold splash of reality when he stood up for himself and refused.

Obviously things weren't great between them to begin with, and it's short-sighted (or coddling) of the column writer to say the brother is selfish. Nobody but the sister and brother know why he's not in more regular contact, and the fact that the sister won't elaborate on that point is a big indicator that it's her fault and she knows it. She was only seeing this as a way to dig into her brother's wallet somehow.
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