30-something daughter expects parents to raise her kid, again

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Hello, I am a fifty-six-year-old mother to thirty-three-year-old Kelly and grandmother to sixteen-year-old Opal. Kelly became pregnant with Opal at sixteen. My husband, Eddy, and I have always believed in having the right to choose. However, Kelly insisted that she wanted to keep the baby and not give it up for adoption.

We helped a lot as Kelly was only seventeen when Opal was born. However, Kelly would rarely help with parenting even when she was available. Even asking her to watch Opal for an hour while we ran errands was an issue. It was rare that Kelly wouldn’t complain about why she “had to be there" to look after Opal.

Kelly chose not to attend college after graduation. She had a job with a flexible schedule, yet she rarely made herself available for Opal. Kelly was only home to sleep or get dressed for some party. She also relied on us to purchase supplies and book appointments for Opal. Eddy and I would have serious talks with Kelly that she needed to step up as a parent. Kelly would only make empty promises and never follow through on them.

Kelly moved out when Opal was six. Kelly comes around maybe once a fortnight and for holidays, but Eddy and I have been the ones to raise Opal. Opal is doing extremely well. She has good friends, plays Tennis, participates in volunteer projects, and plans to be a marine biologist after graduation.

The school year ended for Opal last week, so we had a nice dinner to celebrate her good grades. Kelly came, along with several other family members. We were all chatting and enjoying dinner together when Kelly stood up to make an announcement. She announced to us that she was pregnant with her boyfriend’s child.

We already were upset because this was supposed to be Opal’s special moment and Kelly announcing her pregnancy was completely inappropriate. Eddy and I said nothing, and Kelly started to say how she and her boyfriend were “so busy!” with life right now.

Eddy and I interrupted Kelly and told her we would have nothing to do with raising this new baby and would not be providing anything for it (supplies, childcare, etc.) Kelly flipped out and an argument ensued.

Kelly called us heartless and claimed we were willing to throw our grandchild away. Eddy and I called her selfish for expecting us to raise another child. We are too old to raise a baby. Kelly is thirty-three and needs to grow up. Give the baby up for adoption or be a parent and raise it yourself.

Kelly left in tears. Now the family has broken into “sides.” The ones agreeing with Kelly say that we adopted Opal and are sending a message that we don’t care about our newest grandchild. Others are saying we should have taken her aside privately instead of shooting her down in front of everyone and our reaction was cruel. Eddy and I feel we had to be blunt with Kelly and not sugarcoat reality.

Opal likes to show us stories from here sometimes, so I thought it would be a good place to ask for a neutral perspective. AITA?

Edit: Opal is always able to express her feelings with me or Eddy. Opal also has a therapist who is available to speak whenever she needs it. Opal visited the therapist weekly during middle school but now hasn't needed to see him more than once a month. We will be taking Opal on a mall trip to make up for what happened at the celebration dinner.

We spoke privately to Opal after this incident and she knows we in no way view her as a burden. Our granddaughter is a blessing and many of our happiest moments involved supporting Opal and watching her grow up. But Opal is sixteen: She doesn't need the kind of constant attention and care that a newborn baby does. We are now too old to be able to adequately raise a newborn baby even if we wanted to.

The biggest problem is that Kelly is now an adult and needs to start acting like one. Kelly is supposed to outlive us. The reality is that Eddy and I aren't going to be alive for her or her children's entire lives. It is why Kelly needs to accept that she cannot expect us to take on her responsibilities and must be independent.

Edit #2: Several people have informed me that the part where Kelly expected us to raise the new baby was unclear, so I apologize for that. I thought it was self-explanatory, but realize none of you actually experienced what happened.

Kelly talked about how busy she and her boyfriend were with their lives, then began to talk about how "grateful" she was that we "would always look after our grandchildren" and how since we had "gained so much joy from raising Opal, we would be even happier raising this second baby!"

After Eddy and I called her out, Kelly confirmed that she had expected us to adopt and raise this second baby as well. Kelly said how she and her boyfriend did not have time to raise a baby but that putting up the baby for adoption would be "throwing it away." She assumed we, at almost sixty years old, would have no troubles or opposition to raising a newborn baby.

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Cambion
I want to say I hope the bitch gets a hard dose of reality, but I guarantee she'll work harder to do as little parenting as possible than if she just dealt with her own kid.

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yurble
The only things surprising about this story are (a) the grand-breeders said no, and (b) this woman didn't produce another 10 kids or so in the 17 years between the first and the second.