Our parunts refuse to bratsit, what should I do?

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how dare they moo
Dear Newsweek, My parents, and my partner's parents, rarely ever babysit our children. I believe by doing this they are denying themselves a good relationship with the children, but also denying us a much-needed break to work on our own relationship, and not be so focused around our children 100 percent of the time.

Did any of your parents agree to watch your brats? What exactly, is the obligation they agreed to? Oh wait, did someone assume something that was unfounded and now is laying a guilt trip to try to get her way?

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how dare they moo
My parents, who lived downstairs, decided it was more fun to drink and have parties than help us with our children while I was struggling with cancer. At one point, my partner went round to their house and begged them to help and they laughed at him.

Perhaps you can pay for some help? It isn't unheard of. When most people need help that is what they do. Keeps the economy humming. The government certainly appreciates you breeding and that you help out the economy.

As for the grandparents it is their lives and if they are happy shooting up that is their prerogative. And the duhs parents, having the nerve to want to enjoy their properties in three states rather than wiping up shitty asses. Any sane person would do exactly as they are doing. At this point it is clear they aren't going to help so maybe it is time to close up the sluicing shop so that you aren't bringing more dependents into a world while you admit you can't handle the ones you chose to create.

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how dare they moo
If I mention that my partner and I are going away just the two of us, my mother very quickly states that she will not be babysitting. My partner's parents own properties in three different states and spend most of their time in Florida, away from their only grandkids.

They're just not making an effort, and my partner and I are left stressing over the relationship with them, not having time for each other, and grandparents that only care about seeing their grandkids on video calls or at the holidays. I think lots of grandparents have this mentality of "I already raised mine," but that's not how a lot of us parents feel. We all share the same blood so why don't some grandparents care about spending time with their grandchildren or contributing to the humans they will become?
........... How do I make sure my children do not grow up to be those kinds of grandparents but still have healthy boundaries?

So, her parents have no problems setting boundaries and clearly they aren't going to raise the brats or come in with brat relief either. Got it, time for an alternative solution that doesn't involve her parents or grandparents parenting the brats. Lots of grandparents only see their brats on the holidays and rarely at another time. No brat is born expecting their grandparents to be their second parents. This is 100% the fault of the parunts, as usual.

Oh the sweet irony, dumb moo/duh might want to start with respecting their parents boundaries!

As a kid I remember seeing parunts trying to pawn off their brats onto others. When I spent time around parunts as an adult (this was a limited time period because it was always the SSDD) this is something I noticed, they spend lots of time and energy attempting to pawn off their brats onto others and conservatively speaking parunts will ask at least 50% of the time if they think they have even a chance of a yes. If you're out in public with parunts they'll often refuse to take of their brats, in hopes that the adults around them will do it. And if there are other parunts in the party, they'll step up so that something doesn't happen to the brats.
The parunts with the brats running amok will also talk about how happy they are to have a break, which is their passive aggressive way of demanding free help. I've had strangers who stopped off to see someone I know try to pawn their brats off on me and they wonder how brats end up dead, hurt or molested.

I'll never figure out WHY they insist on bringing something dependent on them for 18+ years onto this earth that they may never enjoy the company of.

https://www.msn.com/en-us/health/wellness/my-parents-refuse-to-babysit-even-when-i-had-cancer-what-should-i-do/ar-AA15Dbr1?ocid=msedgntphdr&cvid=7383c4f68b4c490cfc0074d9e4cbfd53

Refusing to help your own child when they have cancer is pretty cold, but that alone tells me that these geniuses had plenty of warning that their parents weren't interested in them or their children. It shouldn't come as a shock that Grams and Gramps don't want to help them raise their kids; they shouldn't have counted on it (or had children at all, if their relationship is rocky enough that they need time away from the kids to "work on it").

I can only imagine that if the grandparents weren't willing to mind the brats when the author was sick with cancer, maybe there is a reason for it that the author conveniently left out so they could paint themselves as a poor victim. It could also be that the author and her spouse took advantage of both sets of grandparents for brat-sitting in the past and burned some bridges. Maybe the kids are absolute assholes and the grandparents don't want them in their homes because they're destructive, uncontrollable and horrible? If they're autistic like every other child seems to be now, this is a distinct possibility.

Could be the grandparents regretted having their own kids and don't want to sign up for round two with the grandbrats. Also, if the grandparents who lived downstairs drank and partied all the time, would they really want people who are drunk and possibly high to watch their kids? Or are they the kinds of parents who don't care how safe their kids are with someone, just as long as the kids aren't in their parents' hair?

Still, grandparents are under no obligation to watch their grandshits, even when there is no feasible reason for refusing. "Because I don't want to" is a plenty good reason and the parents need to respect this, even if they don't like it. If the grandparents volunteer to babysit or they agree to it when asked, that is not a requirement of them. It's a kindness. They are under no obligation to "just make an effort" - just because their grandbrats are related to them does not mean they are required to mind them when the parents want to flounce off somewhere. I have to assume the author and her partner had kids under the assumption they could dump the sprogs on Meemaw and Peepaw at a moment's notice.

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How do I make sure my children do not grow up to be those kinds of grandparents but still have healthy boundaries?

Well see that's the thing, the grandparents ARE establishing healthy boundaries. Being related to someone doesn't mean you should do whatever they want and this is an important lesson to learn. They aren't saying they don't want to see their grandbrats - they just don't want to babysit them. There's nothing wrong with that. And who is to say the author's kids will grow up to become grandparents in the first place? It's good for them to find out young that "no" is a complete sentence and people are allowed to not help their relatives.

The grandparents have put perfectly reasonable boundaries in place so their lives don't revolve around brats after finally getting their own brats out of the house, but the parents will probably talk shit about them to their kids and make the grandparents out to be horrible, evil people.

Like you said, instead of nagging the grandparents for free brat care and bitching when they consistently refuse, why don't they ask other relatives? Aunts, uncles, siblings, cousins, friends, or maybe PAY a sitter who isn't a family member? Or have they driven off every person they interacted with to the point they have nobody they could ask? They seem like entitled asshats, so it wouldn't surprise me.

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Cambion
I can only imagine that if the grandparents weren't willing to mind the brats when the author was sick with cancer, maybe there is a reason for it that the author conveniently left out so they could paint themselves as a poor victim.

Oh yes, it is a classic "missing reasons" post. Whenever someone paints such a villainous picture of another person, you can be 99% sure there's another side to the story.

in a way this has moved on and into stupid ass 'famblee' shit. although who does one hire to watch brats for a weekend anyway?? at least I don't have to deal with this idiocy anyway

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong

Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.

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twocents
in a way this has moved on and into stupid ass 'famblee' shit. although who does one hire to watch brats for a weekend anyway?? at least I don't have to deal with this idiocy anyway

If someone wanted to open an after-hours/weekend brat care they could do it in a large city and pretty much name their rate and make it pre-pay only. They could also be very particular with any overages by having iron clad contracts and a great timing system complete with cameras. I suspect they could earn more in a weekend than most do in a week and if they played their cards right, they could charge a fortune per hour. If they felt inclined, they could have special care for brats with difficulties while charging an exorbitant rate.

Then again, the entrepreneur would have to deal with you know, brats.

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kittehpeoples
Refusing to help your own child when they have cancer is pretty cold, but that alone tells me that these geniuses had plenty of warning that their parents weren't interested in them or their children. It shouldn't come as a shock that Grams and Gramps don't want to help them raise their kids; they shouldn't have counted on it (or had children at all, if their relationship is rocky enough that they need time away from the kids to "work on it").

Either the moo and her husband really did burn that bridge to the point where Grams and Gramps truly do not care, or Grams and Gramps really are that evil and narcissistic, in which case I question why Moo and Duh are so desperate to expose their kids to that type of person.

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"Not every ejaculation deserves a name" - George Carlin

in a way I still think having a child at a commercial center for a couple of days would make me uneasy...but that is just me. again, thankfully I don't have to deal with it.

I really don't go anywhere hardly anymore...I'm something of a homebody.

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong

Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.

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twocents
in a way I still think having a child at a commercial center for a couple of days would make me uneasy...but that is just me. again, thankfully I don't have to deal with it.

I really don't go anywhere hardly anymore...I'm something of a homebody.

As brats are triggers for crippling migraines (so bad I get thrown in the back of ambulances) I am rarely out of the house. I leave home only for doctor appointments that you can't manage by video call. An example is the eye doctor, as you can't shove that gizmo down a Cat7 cable.

+++++++++++++

Passive Aggressive
Master Of Anti-brat
Excuses!

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LoveToLurk
Either the moo and her husband really did burn that bridge to the point where Grams and Gramps truly do not care, or Grams and Gramps really are that evil and narcissistic, in which case I question why Moo and Duh are so desperate to expose their kids to that type of person.

Probably because Moo and Duh don't care what kind of people Meemaw and Peepaw are, so long as they can store the brats with them. But they'll sure complain to the internet about how badly the grandbreeders treat their sprogs.

It's like breeders trying to force childfree people to babysit - why do they want to make someone watch their kids who has made it abundantly clear they do not want to be around kids? That doesn't seem like it would really be in the child's best interests, but then, when have breeders like this ever been concerned with the well-being of their own kids? They'll work harder trying to figure out ways to get away from their kids than they do actually parenting them.

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Cambion
Also, if the grandparents who lived downstairs drank and partied all the time, would they really want people who are drunk and possibly high to watch their kids? Or are they the kinds of parents who don't care how safe their kids are with someone, just as long as the kids aren't in their parents' hair?

If the grandparents were bratsitting all the time I bet this part about drinking/partying would have been omitted from the whining. It sure sounds like sour grapes to me. But it does give the grandparents an excuse as bratsitting while impaired is a legitimate thing to avoid.

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freya
If the grandparents were bratsitting all the time I bet this part about drinking/partying would have been omitted from the whining. It sure sounds like sour grapes to me. But it does give the grandparents an excuse as bratsitting while impaired is a legitimate thing to avoid.

I suspect the parents are sloshed quite often too.

+++++++++++++

Passive Aggressive
Master Of Anti-brat
Excuses!

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craftyzits

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freya
If the grandparents were bratsitting all the time I bet this part about drinking/partying would have been omitted from the whining. It sure sounds like sour grapes to me. But it does give the grandparents an excuse as bratsitting while impaired is a legitimate thing to avoid.

I suspect the parents are sloshed quite often too.

If that is true, they have sour grapes because the grandparents have the opportunity to out-party them instead of bratsitting, baking and knitting!

Agreed with Cambion on this: are the kids autards? That would explain a lot. We've had threads about whiny pahrunts crying about how no one will step up to take care of their defecto-kyds.

I never will forget one episode of Cops, they were called because someone noticed a toddler, perhaps 2 1/2 - 3 wandering out on the balcony walkway of a motel. Turns out her grandmother was supposed to be watching the kid while moo was off working. Grandmoo was a drunken sot and passed out. Furthermore, the kid had gotten quite a few mouthfuls of the liquor herself.. was the first time I've seen anyones eyes literally roll in their head: this kids did. It was drunk out of its mind. Of course the drunken sot woke up and created quite a damn entitled outraged stink.

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong

Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.