"Rules To Meet The Baby"

Woman posts her friend's proposed "Rules To Meet The Baby" list on reddit, asking if it's reasonable because she thinks some of the items are ridiculous. She's right. (And then breeders wonder why we have a hard time respecting them....)

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Rules To Meet The Baby:

No unannounced visits

No advice (we are new parents, we can assure you our advice is up to date.)

No visits longer than 1 hour

Please don’t wear perfume, or deodorant.

Please sanitize and wash hands before holding baby

When baby cries hand her back to me

No calling the baby nicknames, only call her by her given name

No foul language around the baby (First time is ok, but if you slip up a second time you will be asked to leave.)

No smoking at least 2 hours before holding the baby

No comments about formula we are breastfeeding and that’s that

No advice on breastfeeding

If we say you can’t hold her, you can’t hold her.

No kissing the baby

Some of these are obviously fine. No unannounced visits, wash hands, no smoking, all the health related stuff absolutely should be in place (without having to tell people, but I get that you still have to). Some of it sounds like it's directed at specific people in the friend's family (no nicknames, lol). But no deodorant? (She's due in July, so everybody's going to smell GREAT if they obey that rule. And does it apply to the parents? Are they going to forego deodorant until the kid's a toddler?) No foul language around an infant? It's not like the baby will understand anything or start swearing like a sailor. Anyway, some of the comments on the post are fun:

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most of these are pretty reasonable, but “no foul language” is super hilarious. like are they worried her first word’s gonna be ‘fuck’

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I promise they do not want me there for an hour without deodorant on.

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So they’re first time parents to a newborn but they already know everything? Got it

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What baffles me is that they demand no deodorant or perfume, but only want you to wait 2 hours between smoking and holding the baby. Cigarette smoke freaking lingers.

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I'm a mom of 2 kids. I feel like it's become a way of asserting authority. "This is my toy and these are all the rules you have to follow if you want to play with it." Not to mention all the pressure around the appearance of being a perfect parent right off the bat. Social media has really fucked our shit up

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"no advice" followed by "we are new parents"

Sure.

"Hey I've never been sky diving before but don't you dare give me any advice I know what I'm doing."

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Awe she's a first time mom. She doesn't know it yet, but no ones coming over anymore lol

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Whoever wrote this seems to think seeing their baby is a prize that people want, not a social obligation that’s being put on them.

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Biggest red flag on this person is the term " new parents" and we are up to date". The poor pediatrician who has to deal with these two.

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Nothing worse than new parents saying "we know what we're doing". Fucking no you don't, nobody does. Come talk to me when you solve the "baby won't stop crying at 3am" problem.

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I know someone who had similar rules and now posts about not having her village.

And my absolute favorite:

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I'm shocked a tdap wasn't included on the list.

You can't say curse words, but you can give baby whooping cough?

Well there's a real easy way to not violate any of Moo's rules. Just don't go see the damn loaf in the first place.

Depending on how old the loaf is, nobody should be fucking visiting in the first place. Aren't you supposed to not let them near anyone for like the first two months of their lives because their immune systems are shite?

Just wait until this bitch is like a month into Mooing. She will be BEGGING people to stay longer than an hour so she can fob the kid off onto them and have a break.

I agree - some of those rules are perfectly reasonable. Others are just ridiculous. The Moos who always seem to know the most about Mooing are the ones who haven't even pushed the brat out yet. They think they know it all because of maternal instinct and/or because they "did their research." Give it a few weeks - she will learn very quickly that she doesn't know jack or shit.

But the big question is WHY do you want to see the baby in the first place? Put some of the rule book up and NO One will be visiting.

Just say "Ahhh...I got things to do. I don't need to meet the baby"

I actually hope this list catches on, so I have a built in excuse not to visit any babies.

This list screams 'Im just gonna be a joy as a parent"

New parents that know everything except how to be diplomatic to well wishers, family, friends, and guests.

I know they are trying to head off troubles, but they can't just shake their head when someone may introduce some antidotal advice?

Also, screams 'control freak', and if that doesnt change, I feel for that child.


If this becomes the normal tho, I think we all should make lists and rules for everything that we dont want to deal with. Wish I had one for my weddng No hinting that the baby's coming next, or When is the baby coming?

What, no kalamata olives?

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Peace
What, no kalamata olives?

Lol, somebody posted another list of baby meeting rules on reddit and it included "bring snacks" so you're not exaggerating! They also want visitors to "be prepared to do small housekeeping tasks," which seems pretty fucking ballsy considering they were distributing this list to COWORKERS. Their list also included "don't offer advice" and "no swearing around the baby." I love the combination of "we know everything, don't tell us anything" and "infants understand swear words."

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kittehpeoples
I love the combination of "we know everything, don't tell us anything" and "infants understand swear words."

It's because first-time Moos have Done Their Research^TM and they "know" what they're in for, so don't you dare invalidate their "research" with any of your logic or first-hand experience, if applicable. It makes it so much more satisfying when these know-it-all breeders get kicked in the teeth by reality and learn no amount of research prepares them for the shitshow they're about to fling themselves into.

The swearing kind of reminds me of the one single scene from Three Men and a Baby that I thought was actually kinda funny. The scene where Burt Reynolds is reading an article about a boxing match to the loaf and describing bloody injuries, but he's reading it in a soft, soothing tone of voice. Steve Guttenberg's character gives him a hard time and he just says, "It's not what you read, it's the tone you use. She doesn't understand the words anyway." It's true.

LOL fuck these people. I'm not coming over to do their chores because they can't handle a loaf and life at the same time.

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Cambion
It's because first-time Moos have Done Their Research^TM and they "know" what they're in for, so don't you dare invalidate their "research" with any of your logic or first-hand experience, if applicable. It makes it so much more satisfying when these know-it-all breeders get kicked in the teeth by reality and learn no amount of research prepares them for the shitshow they're about to fling themselves into.

I would like to see a Venn diagram showing first time parents who have a birth plan and a list of rules to meet the baby and a "don't offer advice, we've Done Our Research" attitude compared to the "no one told us how hard/exhausting/expensive raising children would be" crowd. Because I'm guessing it's pretty close to a circle.