When a woman has kids she doesn't want to shut her husband up

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My wife (32) and I (30M) both use reddit, so throwaway, and I'm changing some of the details. Wife, if you still recognize this as being about you, know that I'm just doing this because I'm confused and need outside perspective. I love you.

My wife never really had an urge to have children - I did. She knew it was important to me to have children of my own, and I think because of that, she agreed to have kids. It's not that she was outrightly opposed to it - in her words "I could do with or without". So, naturally, a couple of years after marriage, we had children.

Now, ever since our daughter was born, my wife has had a very... hands off approach to raising and caring for the kids. Almost everything from changing their diaper, to feeding them, to playing with them, to teaching them about right from wrong, to cleaning after them, have either been done by me, or by our nanny (when I'm away due to work).

I work as a freelance health and safety inspector for commercial buildings and nursing homes, stuff like that. Just to make sure they comply with legislation and laws, and advise how they can better change. Because of this, I have a lot of time at home, compiling reports, so I have a lot of time with the children. My wife is a writer, and also works from home, and writes almost every day. Despite this, she barely lifts a finger to care for the children, or even interact with them.

I remember so many instances where she has outrightly avoided contact with the children. One such instance was when Daughter was about 3 or 4, and she walked up to Wife and handed her a toy and smiled at her. Wife looked down at the toy, didn't make eye contact with Daughter, got up and walked away.

She doesn't even ask if the kids are okay, or fed, or in bed, or anything. When the nanny is round and she is looking for direction or advice, she always phones me, because wife tells her that she's busy...

So this went on for years. Which I don't mind much, because I love the kids, and I love taking care of them. But then when Daughter reached the age of 5, I remember the discussion which pretty much changed everything between us.

Daughter was eating at the table, and we were talking about some stuff (school stuff, I think). Then she starts telling me about how her friend's mum is really funny, and she always jokes around with them when she picks her up. Then she asks Wife, "Why do you never pick me up from school?"

Wife said that she was busy.

And daughter says "all the time?"

Then wife said 'yes', got up and left the room.

After taking care of the kids and putting them to bed, I cracked open a bottle of wine and talked to my wife. I told her all the above, and told her I was fine if she didn't want to take care of the children, but she had to at least show her love. Then she said that she never really felt like she loved them in the first place.

This was a blow for me. We talked more about this, and she basically said that she never really felt connected to them, and that they were more of just lodgers here than anything else.

This was all surprisingly calm of her. You must understand that my wife isn't an unemotional person, nor is she a bitch. She's a very funny, interesting person, who has shown a lot of care and love for me and her family.

So I said we should go to counselling, which she agreed to. We went as a couple. This went on for months, and the counselor was really really good. We learned a lot about each other. The one thing which really struck me though, was my wife's "realisation" that she "dislikes" the children.

She didn't that she couldn't bear to be around them, but she said she didn't feel any affection for them.

It seems this won't change.

So...... what do I do? She still brings in money, is still loving to me, doesn't harm the kids (unless you count a large degree of apathy as harm). (Yes it is harm because their parents are supposed to love them and she treats them like pests. It's not physically harmful, but mark my words, it's fucking the kids up mentally."

Should I just move forward, knowing that she doesn't like the children?

I still love everyone. Maybe that's enough.

Hmmmm.

?

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EDIT: Oh, I forgot to mention about the kids and their well being. Since we started going counselling, I have also made sure to pay special attention to how the kids are doing due to the disconnect with their Mother. It's a bit sad, but it seems they understand that maybe Mum is just "that type of person".

I remember telling them that it's sad, but not everyone in the world is going to be their friend, but I'll be their best friend, if they'll have me. And my daughter liked that.

My son, however, didn't understand, and just said he would give Mum ice cream to make her a friend. Cute. (No it's not "cute." Your kid is trying to buy his mum's affection. Fuck you.)

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do they ever ask themselves what if they do not.