Anyone here who chose not to be in a relationship?

We childfree have shaken free of the society's deep-seated notion that we will all want to have "beautiful babies" once we have "found the right person" and that children are so damn "innocent, precious, and fulfilling gift from God" that no one can ever resist or refuse their "sweet, angelic little faces" at all. eyes2

Ok - now there is another thing: romance.

People keep telling me I'll "meet someone special that I'll want to spend the rest of my life with" and that "true love will just click" for me - whether I really want it or not. Like I really don't have any choice but to happily and dizzily fall for Mr. Wonderful the instant I run into him.:crz

Well, what about stories of divorce, cheating, abuse, etc.? Oh, and people also remarry and produce more kids with the new partner, so the same cycle starts over again.

I'd rather not be in a relationship for various reasons (same as remaining childfree.) I like to live alone and do things my own way, for one thing. And I don't want a partner who would pressure me into sex or try to treat me like a sex object, either (a few male friends had done that to me, BTW.) Nor do I want to rely on someone for anything, including emotional support (I have the family and friends, right?) and even flattery (if I feel fat, it's my responsibility to eat right and lose weight and not expect someone to say "no, you're still beautiful and sexy even if you weight 300 lbs., have these HUGE rolls around your waist, and your armpits smell really bad, too!") Heck, I don't even want a honest, loving partner around; I'm just a loner who carefully stays away from anything sexual to do with another person.

I know most of you are married or in a relationship, so just raise your hand if any of you chose to remain single like me.^_^

My singlehood is for many of the same reasons. I don't want anyone with kids. Period. If you have bred, then you are dead. No, it does not matter if they are "grown and gone." This rules out about 90+ percent in my age demographic.

I don't want someone who suddenly wants them because they are pushing 50, or who doesn't want them at 30 until he is with you for a few years...then oh a baby will be so cuuuute..... That rules out about half of the remaining ones. Of those left, some may prefer their own gender which eliminates them. Some are too dependent for my taste which rules them out.

My ideal relationship is someone who does not NEEEEEED to be with me 24/7. Maybe he works crazy hours, or travels for a job. He needs to have his own hobbies and friends, too. I don't want someone to glom on solely because he has no friends to hang with.

It really isn't that I don't want one...in the words of U2 "I still haven't found what I'm looking for..."

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From a bottle cap message on a Magic Hat #9 beer: Condoms Prevent Minivans
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I want to pick up a bus full of unruly kids and feed them gummi bears and crack, then turn them loose in Hobby Lobby to ransack the place. They will all be wearing T shirts that say "You Could Have Prevented This."

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navi8orgirl
My singlehood is for many of the same reasons. I don't want anyone with kids. Period. If you have bred, then you are dead. No, it does not matter if they are "grown and gone." This rules out about 90+ percent in my age demographic.

My ideal relationship is someone who does not NEEEEEED to be with me 24/7. Maybe he works crazy hours, or travels for a job. He needs to have his own hobbies and friends, too. I don't want someone to glom on solely because he has no friends to hang with.

Make that me three. As things are now, if I meet someone, great. If I don't, also great. There's a lot to be said for doing what I like, when I like. And I'm also another one who needs my space - the last serious relationship was almost four years long, and people were amazed that we hadn't moved in together. But that worked fine for us - by the end of the weekend, it was great to send hi home and get back to my own life.

I simply cannot fathom the mindset of women who have to have a man, no matter what, and regardless of what sort of shitty loser he is. Ugh. No fucking thanks.

I'm a male, but i choose not to be in a relationship as well.

Love is cool but it doesn't necessarily mean you have to get married and be interdependent with that person for life, and as society expects, for everything. It's a lot of damn pressure, regardless of how much you love the person. I have a long term partner but neither of us have close family or friends (former friends went breeder or moved or both) so we are each other's support system but I would rather not have it be this way. I'd rather have it as it was when we first met, with seperate residences and a group of our close friends around. Life has changed so much and we rely almost solely on each other. Fortunately there are no issues with kyds or other things that commonly come up.

I agree with Banshee about the sexual expectations, a spouse or partner is supposed to be sexually "available" on demand. I don't see how that is even physically possible.

I guess I'm a loner at heart but I do like having close connections with certain people. I just don't like the nature of those relationships being dictated as part of the social script. Since most people are programmed it can make relationships difficult. People always want some form of the script.

I'm sort of the same way, seems like as I got older(over 30), people either wanted or already had kids, something I didn't have any interest in. Also, people think if you're older and not/never have been married, there's something wrong and basically treat you like you're desperate and will do anything for companionship, something I'm not.

My situation right now is I live alone in my own condominium, and have a friend next door. He is also in my situation, over 40, no kids, never married, and keeps running into women who think their clock is running out, so he gave up looking too. We spent a lot of time together just chatting, watching videos, having meals together, just enjoying each others' company. We also get in some :sx when the mood strikes us, which is often. We don't have any strings, official commitments, etc., but neither of us are involved with anyone else right now.

Not sure what to call this, but it's an arrangement that works for us. We can spend time together, and go home when we need to be by ourselves, and since we're right next door, we can give the other a hand when needed. Works for me, at least for now.

Donna Four Eleven

I felt like you did for many years. I am married now, and it was pretty much a pure fluke out of left field. I'm not going to sit here and give you a bunch of platitudes about meeting your soul mate someday, or any of that bullshit. Frankly, I liked being single and unattached. I went out of my way NOT to meet men because I didn't want the bother. I was unwilling to give up my independence and my freedom to kowtow to anyone else's wishes. The only reason my marriage works is because my husband does not tell me to do anything, nor would he even attempt to. As a result, I choose to spend most of my time with him. We enjoy a lot of the same things and he makes me laugh all the time. If I were still single I have no doubt I would be happy in other ways. It is a definite trade off. There are things I miss about being single, and I won't lie to you. However, I've made this choice and this is where I want to be right now. If I end up single again someday, I certainly won't have a hard time adjusting my life back to it.

I love living alone. My bed is for me and maybe my books/magazines. I refuse to have another person crowd, fart, and snore in my bed. Nobody uses my bathroom. I clean my house obsessively and my kitchen is spotless. A past relationship of 3 years meant that I did most of the cleaning while he sat on his ass because 'what's the big problem?'.

Having said that, I wouldn't mind some regular, awesome sex . He has to have his own place, be disease free, and not dream of a famblee :fmbl

The older I get the more I like being single. I like having my own apartment I can decorate however I want, and doing what I want with my free time and money. I have seen way to many divorces and shitty relationships to still believe in happily ever after. Relationships take work, and even then there is no guarantee they will succeed. I freely admit I don't want to do the work involved.

The childfree thing also enters in to it. There is no way I could be happy compromising on that issue, and probably 90% of men either have kids or want them.

It's perfectly fine to be that way - I was single for a long time, and always wanted someone to share things with. Then I'd get someone, and some days I would think, "Damn, I miss being single."

I have a friend who went through a nasty divorce 10 years ago, and although she's very pretty, in shape and well educated, she doesn't really date. Some days I feel bad for her, but she's never given any indication that she's lonnnnging for a mayun, so I feel stupid for thinking that way, just because I followed the LifeScript (TM)

i had relationships and i wind up with fucking jerkoffs. the first boyfriend was in high school and went as expected for such a thing-we decided to break up after a couple of years and that was that. the next one was in college-and this guy was a fucking obsessive, emotionally abusive prick. the third was a guy who seemed nice enough, but had commitment issues-he wanted sex, but i was not gonna have it with some guy who will flit off when faced with responsibility, such as if i got pregnant (i consider that sort of thing when i have a guy wanting to have sex with me. if i have doubts, i'm not doing the deed). the final two were fucking liars-lied about their situations. people like to call the "other woman" a home wrecker, but fail to realize the "other woman" may have been lied to.

after these guys, i am not eager to jump into a relationship. it's like if you are going to a music fest: if you go alone, you have more fun. the minute another is involved, you have to develop a schedule and shit. the same in a romantic situation-the minute you agree to date someone, it all becomes a mess.

For most of my adult life, I primarily identify myself as single and independent.
I value many things about being single and view most relationships to be filled with compromises that I would rather not make.

It happens that I am in a relationship now, but it is somewhat non-traditional ( ie childfree living separate, no marriage interest, lots of time apart, identities separate, etc)

I was that way for a long time. Seems like most women wanted someone to settle down and have babies with, something I wasn't interested in at the time, and later realized I didn't want at all. I used to catch flack for not wanting to get married with one bingo being "don't you want babies?" Others would insist they were going to find someone to fix me up with and that it was impossible to be happy on my own. I liked the freedom that being unattached gave me, to pursue my interests and do what I want. I guess my oppressive upbringing made me value the freedoms others didn't think about more.

I am married now though, to someone who doesn't want kids and doesn't try to keep me from pursuing my interests. Even if I hadn't met her, and was still alone, I'd probably still be happy. If someone can't be happy on their own, I don't think they can be happy with another person either, but that's just me.

JD

I'm in a relationship with a man who is also CF. Marriage isn't that important to us and we have our own homes. I like staying with him whenever I want, but I also love having my own home. Our situation works well for us. I've gotten the "You'll change your mind about kids when you meet the right man" from my family when I was single, which is bad enough. But to get it now really chaps my ass because, to me, they're trying to invalidate my relationship. So what if someone's CF, not in a relationship, and loves their freedom. Who does that hurt? I'd rather live my life the way I want than do what the masses do because it's "normal" or "right."

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JohnDrake
If someone can't be happy on their own, I don't think they can be happy with another person either, but that's just me.

I agree with this sentiment.

There are good ways to be single, and good ways to be in relationships. There are also bad ways to be either: desperately single, or in a relationship out of a fear of being alone. Confidence in being alone is necessary to be in a good relationship, or to be enjoyably single.

I remember in high school really having crushes on boys but I didn't want to actually have a boyfriend. When kids started rumors that my best friend and I were lesbians, I started dating guys at school. I enjoyed the dating part but not beyond that - too much pressure, too little freedom. When these relationships ended I would feel like a weight had been lifted. So I just dated and told the guys I was not interested in anything serious. That doesn't work as you get older. I had some psycho stalkers and pseudo pscho-analysts that would tell me something is wrong with me for not wanting a) them and b) baybeeees. Girls particularly didn't understand and often were hostile if I was with a "good catch" and let him go because I felt smothered.

I have been married five times and probably had engagement rings given to me more times than that, in addition to the actual marriages. I honestly have never sought out a relationship, ever. I am not "sad" for very long, if at all, when they have finally ended either. I never was "looking for Mr Right" or anything like that, but each and every time there were reasons where marriage made sense at the time for a variety of reasons and each and every time I knew within weeks or months that it wasn't going to last, sometimes it only took a matter of days. The second time I was regretting having said "I do" instead of "I don't while ON the honeymoon trip! In retrospect, I think that the reasons for all of the failed marriages was due to the fact that I am a loner at heart and I am a face value kind of a person whereas EVERY SINGLE prior husband, up until this last one, hid his TRUE personality until after the wedding.

I have had the following personality types sprung on me AFTER marriage and in some cases I had lived with them for months and years beforehand and they had carefully concealed these things until AFTER the wedding:

1)Gambling problems
2)Sexual perversions
3)Alcohol problems
4)Violent personalities
5)MAJOR money management problems
6)Control issues
7)FULL BLOWN and clinical hypochondriac


Oddly, none of them ever cheated and sometimes I wished to God that they had because at LEAST they would have not been hovering over me so damned much! Perhaps the worst offense though would have been FULL PRIOR INTENTION, with no prior disclosure, that he was going to file for custody of a 4 y/o bio kyd and have her come and live at OUR house with full knowledge of my feelings on the subject.

I have gotten lucky late in life to be currently married to a compatible partner, but for the first 2-3 years I kept thinking, "Mmmm, I wonder when whatever it is that he is hiding is going to come to the surface?" I am over all of that now and am truly happy and the fear of Mr Hyde showing up are gone, but I can't imagine that my luck would hold out should I ever find myself to be a widow, which isn't likely due to our age difference. ABSOLUTELY NEVER would I marry again. I can't think of any reason that I would, none at all. I am a loner type and don't like to be bothered most of the time and am able to entertain myself without a mayun around. Also, my dance card has always been filled when I wanted it to be and I am quite certain that if I wanted some companionship, in the form of trips, movies, dinner out, etc......it wouldn't be a problem. Marry again though? NO WAY. NOT I SAID THE CAT!

To all of you single, never married people out there, you probably aren't missing anything and remember, MOST people don't "change" after marriage as the myth goes, but their TRUE personalities DO shine right on through after marriage. Living together isn't good enough. I would recommend going on a month long cruise with your intended, (if you ever have one) if possible. You are in a contained area with so many things coming up that can be the BIGGEST deal breakers imaginable. Included in those are eating and sleeping schedules,(BIG red flags) leisure activity choices and how they deal with it when you are NOT interested in a fucking shuffle board tournament (for instance), free lance excursions VS guided tours, walking through 200 y/o Cathedrals VS shopping in tourist traps, listening to a Jazz band in a nightclub VS Karaoke in the ship bar, playing in the casino VS walks on the beach, sleeping in VS watching the sun rise, going to bed at sundown VS walking along the deck and gazing at the moon, seasickness and ear patches VS enjoying the waves, sunburns VS lying on the beach,how much to tip(or not), whether to eat at every fucking meal and buffet offered because it's "included" VS eating when you're hungry, scuba diving lessons VS too skeered of the sharks to try, shopping at street vendors VS the on board gift shop, purchasing the photo packages VS impromptu pictures, OMG the list goes on...................

If you STILL want to get married after that, then you MUST be compatible.:mrd I don't know WHY people bingo never marrieds to death because what difference could it POSSIBLY make to them if someone else is married or not? Unless of course the bingo is tied into them wanting you to spawn so they can become grandmoos or peepaws, I don't know why they would give a damn.

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If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!

What kidlesskim said. That is the voice of experience and so much good advice.
My sleeping schedule has been busted by my SO. It is not intentional on his part, but it really messed me up and I now have chronic sleep/neurotransmitter related health issues. Even nice people can have bad effects on your life and health, it's just good to know what you are dealing with from the get go and if/where you are willing to compromise and make sacrifices.

I am single and I love it! The lack of sex can be annoying. But that is never more annoying than putting up with someone else's emotional problems. We all have issues, but I try not to make mine my partner's problems when I have a boyfriend. But most guys I've dated do not have the same self-awareness and compassion, so they feel free to let me deal with their baggage by disrespecting me or acting out the way a child would. I prefer the option of telling a guy to get lost quickly. This is why I am about 99% sure I will never get married.

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dreamlife
I am single and I love it! The lack of sex can be annoying. But that is never more annoying than putting up with someone else's emotional problems. We all have issues, but I try not to make mine my partner's problems when I have a boyfriend. But most guys I've dated do not have the same self-awareness and compassion, so they feel free to let me deal with their baggage by disrespecting me or acting out the way a child would. I prefer the option of telling a guy to get lost quickly. This is why I am about 99% sure I will never get married.

As many a breeder man who lives in the same pen as the cow he married can attest, marriage is no guarantee of an active, available, or interested sex partner. Some men lie about what a horn dog they are too and pretend to not be able to get enough UNTIL after the wedding. It's actually an odd phenomenon and not quite as uncommon as one might think. My second husband was like this and since I was only in my early twenties and still rather new to this marriage game when he decided to behave like a monk, I took it personally for a loooong time. The truth was, I was later to discover, that he just really wasn't a sexual person and NEVER had been. If he had told me that UP FRONT, I could have dealt with it. Yet, he let me believe for a long time that something was wrong with me and THAT'S what pissed me off, not the fact that he'd rather watch TV, play golf, or roll some dice rather than fuck.

I don't mean that he only wanted sex once a week kinda not much, I mean for MONTHS AND MONTHS on end he wasn't "in the mood" which was NOTHING like the stellar performance that he put on UP UNTIL the fucking honeymoon. It was like the Madonna-whore syndrome, only there were no brats. Hell, Vulcans have more sex than that man did! Anyway, the ready made (and willing) sexual partner is most definitely a myth in many cases, based on my own experiences and those of other women who have shared with me on the subject. So dreamlife, you probably aren't missing out on anything.:sx

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If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!

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yurble

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JohnDrake
If someone can't be happy on their own, I don't think they can be happy with another person either, but that's just me.

I agree with this sentiment.

There are good ways to be single, and good ways to be in relationships. There are also bad ways to be either: desperately single, or in a relationship out of a fear of being alone. Confidence in being alone is necessary to be in a good relationship, or to be enjoyably single.

There are some people who just can't be alone for some reason, and it's gotten worse in recent years with cellphones and texting keeping people connected more and more. I've always been able to spend time alone and entertain myself, and others have thought there was something wrong with me because of that. I still need my alone time regularly to keep myself sane.

I got started much later than most in relationships. My parents didn't believe in dating as a teenager in high school, so I didn't do it then, and didn't date in college either because I couldn't figure it out. I didn't start until my 20s and even then, couldn't figure it out. I just met someone online one day who shared a common hobby with me and at the time, only wanted to be friends, but then more came out of it, and we got married.

If I had to be on my own again, I probably could do it just fine without any problems.

JD

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JohnDrake

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yurble

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JohnDrake
If someone can't be happy on their own, I don't think they can be happy with another person either, but that's just me.

I agree with this sentiment.

There are good ways to be single, and good ways to be in relationships. There are also bad ways to be either: desperately single, or in a relationship out of a fear of being alone. Confidence in being alone is necessary to be in a good relationship, or to be enjoyably single.

There are some people who just can't be alone for some reason, and it's gotten worse in recent years with cellphones and texting keeping people connected more and more. I've always been able to spend time alone and entertain myself, and others have thought there was something wrong with me because of that. I still need my alone time regularly to keep myself sane.

I got started much later than most in relationships. My parents didn't believe in dating as a teenager in high school, so I didn't do it then, and didn't date in college either because I couldn't figure it out. I didn't start until my 20s and even then, couldn't figure it out. I just met someone online one day who shared a common hobby with me and at the time, only wanted to be friends, but then more came out of it, and we got married.

If I had to be on my own again, I probably could do it just fine without any problems.

JD

And there's also the magical Facebook that even hooks you up with people you have not seen in 20-30 years! Yet we still don't talk much then. So much for connection. eyes2

Yet it's been pounded into our heads through media, books, movies, etc. that there is a very Special Person (TM) just waiting for you out there to completely validate your very existence and that humans are social creatures designed to NEED company, too. It seems to indicate that remaining single is now no longer natural and it's REALLY driving me crazy, too!

I am SO cynical about romance and love and fairy tales (you know, they're sitting in the tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First, comes marriage and then a baybee in a carriage. Ewww!) that I turned mean on two male friends who decided to cross the line DESPITE me not really wanting a relationship in the first place. The last time I allowed a male friend in my dormitory room at one college, he hugged me twice before he got ready to leave and then caressed my cheeks. I quickly put my hands to my violated cheeks, looking like he had wiped a huge booger on my face. My friend simply turned around and walked away with his face hardened. He had already said he'd use a condom, asked for a goodbye kiss, and finally, wanted to spend the night at my dorm with me. That was the last straw, so I forbid him from coming anywhere near me or my dorm for a brief period at the time. And before the semester at my college ended, he forced me to pay back for a few things he had bought me, saying he "didn't love me anymore" and I answered, "Good!" Needless to say, I went to the campus security police to report him. I guess he bought me stuff to invest in a winning ticket to my pussy.

Though a very few male friends are perfectly fine with me, a couple acted like I was a potential girlfriend and yes, even a sex object, too. Two guys I knew asked to see me in white stockings or swimsuit and one even bought me a skimpy bikini in spite of the fact I'm not supermodel material. That person also kept looking at my legs and getting a hardon, too. At least he now has a steady girlfriend, who is also mentally ill and prone to violent outbursts, too.

So I'd better be careful about choosing male friends from now on.=P (It also seems like simple friends eventually became sex partners, then married spouses, and now duhs and moos to brats who would, of course repeat the cycle and overpopulate the planet some more, too.)

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Banshee
Yet it's been pounded into our heads through media, books, movies, etc. that there is a very Special Person (TM) just waiting for you out there to completely validate your very existence and that humans are social creatures designed to NEED company, too. It seems to indicate that remaining single is now no longer natural and it's REALLY driving me crazy, too!

I hope that I can be whatever the equivalent is of BNP for single people. I would feel quite bad if I felt that I were contributing to that limited notion of romantic/sexual relationships depicted in the media. I have definitely observed the pressure, and the messages in the media, and I find it oppressive--I can only imagine how unpleasant and annoying it must be for people who choose to remain single to have the model of coupledom constantly forced down your throats. There are so many different relationship options out there, ranging from single to polyamorous, but only pairing up (followed by producing offspring) seems to be accepted. My own choice, which is to acknowledge the temporary nature of my relationships (~5 years is the norm), is also not accepted (you're supposed to delude yourself into thinking it is 'forever' when it clearly isn't) but to the casual observer it looks like the norm, so I'm subjected to less harassment.

The whole idea of there being a 'special someone' who is born to be your perfect match is a fairytale believed by the same sort of people who think that having children is 'just something you do.'

It's also a shame that some of your male friends in the past have behaved that way, when you've made it clear that you were only offering friendship. There's a certain type of person who will take any opening and see it as proof that you are meant to be together. Since casual sex is seen as an engagement, you accepting a gift probably constituted an exclusive relationship in their eyes. I've met a few people like that, but fortunately not recently. They tend to ooze out of the woodwork whether you are happily single or are already in a relationship, and the only solution is to completely cut contact with them.

Have a BF right now but its more on and off than Mammy Duggar's maternity wear sometimes I think I'm destined to be alone. I have a weird preference...I prefer NOT to live with a man. Just a personal thing but for me sharing space with a boyfriend makes me snippy. I've only had the experience of living with one but I think it would be same with anyone. I like my own bed, my own space, I like 4 hour baths. I HATE being snuggled in the middle of the night while I'm asleep, and I can take or leave the post sex cuddle. I do like sharing a bed with someone sometimes but all the time? Not a fan. Living with someone makes me feel smothered.

Kits, the older I get, the more I feel the same way. I have never been a "let's snuggle for hours after sex" person because I am too damn hot and need my space. I always have to sleep facing out. I pull away when I sleep, unless it is my tiny old pug girl, who loves to nestle as she chills easily. I like having my space. I like time that is mine. All too often I meet people who want to glom on too much too fast. Or they want to screw around with no commitment at all (as a disease phobe, me no likey. This is just as bad as having a kid sneeze on you in the grocery store IMO. Except it is usually several sneeze sources at once.)

I think I would get married if we could keep separate residences and just have conjugal visits. Frequently.

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From a bottle cap message on a Magic Hat #9 beer: Condoms Prevent Minivans
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I want to pick up a bus full of unruly kids and feed them gummi bears and crack, then turn them loose in Hobby Lobby to ransack the place. They will all be wearing T shirts that say "You Could Have Prevented This."