Yet another bad joke thread...

Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound, and never left
the house for 5 years.

What are the odds that he made the call to the US Navy Seals himself?

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“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”

My Mom just relayed this one to me -

A Pediatrician, a Lawyer and a Priest were on the Titanic, and when it began to sink -

The Pediatrician said - Save the children!

The Lawyer said - Fuck the children!

The Priest said - Is there enough time?

So the one night mama stork is out really late.
Baby stork asks dad stock where mama is.
Dad says - "Out making people very happy.

Next night dad stork is out really late,
Baby stork asks mama where dad is.
Mama says out making people very happy.

The next night baby stork is out very late.
Mama and dad are in a panic!
When baby stork gets home the parents ask
Where were you?
Baby stork says -out scaring the shit out of college kids...

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“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”

A woman had a beloved pet duck for many years when one day, it was nonresponsive. She then took it to a vet and ask him what he thought was wrong with her duck. Although the vet said that her duck was dead, she told him that she wanted further proof. He left the examining room and return with his Labrador Retriever. The dog put both front feet on the table and sniffed the duck, then sat down and looked up at the vet and kinda shook his head. The vet told the woman that his dog said, " the duck is dead". The woman was still not satisfied and wanted more information about her duck. The vet left the room once again and returned with his cat and placed the cat upon the examination table. The cat walked all around the duck sniffing and then sat, and looked down at the counter. The vet then told her ,"The cat tells me the duck is dead also".
The woman then ask the vet what she owed him and he told her $180.00. She was quite shocked and angered at his reply. That was too much! The vet told her if she had taken his word that the duck was dead, the cost would only have been $20.00, but with the Lab Test and the Cat Scan, the cost went up very fast and that's the way it works...

Received by email today:

Harlequin Novel, Updated.... 2011 Version:
He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into
a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He
approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring
voice close to my ear. "Just relax."
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands
start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves,
slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.
I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so
experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a
slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt
his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he
cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.
Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to
my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and
expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man
not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he
wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ............







"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."

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“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”

A man gets on a plane with 6 kids. The flight attendant asks, "Are these your kids?" The man replies, "no, I work for Trojan and these are customer complaints!

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“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”

Three women are in the waiting room of an OBGYN's office, each one knitting a baby sweater. The first one stops knitting, pulls out a bottle of pills from her purse, and takes one. The other two ask what she is taking.

"Oh, it's Vitamin C. I want my baby to be healthy!"

They continue to knit, and wait for their names to be called. Then, the second one stops knitting, pulls a bottle of pills from her purse, and takes one.

"I'm taking iron. I want my baby to be big and strong!"

So, they keep knitting, and then the third one pauses, takes a bottle of pills from her purse, and takes one. Of course, the others ask her what kind of pill she just took.

"It was thalidomide. I cannot get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"

An 80 year old man marries a 25 year old woman, and soon thereafter his wife finds out that she's pregnant.

Fast forward nine months, and she's at the hospital, in labor. Her husband is biding his time in the waiting room, when suddenly, a nurse appears. "Congratulations! It's twins!"

The old man stands proudly and points to the white hair on his head. "There may be snow on the roof..." then points to his chest "...but there's fire in the furnace!"

To which the nurse says, "Well, somebody really needs to clean the chimney then, because they're both black!"

So this desperate trucker picks up a senior hooker.
There doing the deed in the truck and the old hooker says
"there may be winter on the mountain top but there's summer in the heart!"
The trucker says: "Yea but if you don't get some spring in your ass we'll be here till fall."

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“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”

i can't wait to have kids

spread meme, not genes

to my uterus: Y U NO GET THE FUCK OUT FROM MY BODY?

There was a little girl who lived with her mother, and they were very, very poor. One day, the ittle girl was playing outside, when she found two shiny quarters. Excited, she ran inside to show her mom, who sent her to the store for some groceries. The little girl went to the store and bought two eggs and some ketchup.

As the girl was skipping home with the bag of groceries in hand, a truck backfired, causing the startled girl to drop the bag and causing the groceries to make a mess on the sidewalk. At this point, the girl starts sobbing uncontrollably.

A man comes up and asks, "What's wrong, little girl?" The girl is crying too hard to answer.

He looks at the mess on the sidewalk, looks at the girl, and says "Oh, honey, it would have died anyway. Its eyes were too far apart!"

A daughter, a mother, and a grandmother, all prostitutes, were sitting around the kitchen table bemoaning the lack of business due to the economy.

"Can you believe it? Business is so bad that some guy offered me five bucks for a blow job!" the daughter complains.

The mother says, "Count your self lucky. In my day, we were lucky to get 50 cents!"

The grandmother chimes in, "Both of you stop whining! We were just happy to get something warm in our stomachs!"

Catholic Heart Attack



A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks
called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the
man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at
the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding
a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was
going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked,
"Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated
nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married
to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

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“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”

Hey everyone I'm getting a sweater for giftmas!


I really wanted a screamer or moaner ...

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“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”