Gifts from an ex
Posted by brattymcpants
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Gifts from an ex September 22, 2012 | Registered: 11 years ago Posts: 275 |
I had a birthday recently, and I received a gift from my ex boyfriend. I don't know what to do about it, but it has caused me considerable stress.
The relationship was quite volatile and it did not end well. Things were idyllic at first, but it quickly dissolved into something crazy and unhealthy. There was a sudden switch a while in, and he turned into an emotional wreck. Got suicidal. Was terribly depressed. His behavior was erratic, and on top of the stress emotional turmoil he caused me, I would constantly get passive agressive messages and emails from him picking apart all my actions and listing all the ways I managed to hurt him, even though I reall was not actively trying to. Much of it was that he constantly wanted to discuss deep dark feelings, and I was so emotionally drained that I would change the subject or try to lighten things up...which would trigger another detailed email. He decided to let me know the night before my first final of that semester that he went back to his ex girlfriend, and I lost it at him and told him never to talk to me again.
I had a considerable amount of stuff left at his house...most of it quite special to me...so after a couple months when I had calmed down and healed, I contacted him for it back. I couldn't get him to mail it or agree to a neutral drop off, so I drove by to get it (I don't want him to know where I live) and he invited me in. It was hard enough for me to see him so I was friendly, and though I know it was a mistake, I let him draw me into conversation with me for a good amount of time. (he's one of those who is impossible to get out of conversation with).
On my birthday, he sent me a gchat saying that he had a gift for me, and I replied thanking him but letting him know that while I don't want to be ungrateful, it was not necessary and he doesn't need to give me anything. I found a few days later that he had dropped by over the weekend and left his gift at my law school in my personal mailbox. It was very sentimental and quite valuable...a first edition of my favorite book.
Since then, I have had horrible amounts of stress over what to do with it. It was a beautiful gift, and I feel like a total asshole for not wanting it. I've gotten a lot of conflicting advice, because I am afraid of triggering another psychotic or depressive episode if I return it, but I don't want to acknowledge it. I am also angry...I feel like this is an extremely manipulative move, and the idea of giving someone valuable gifts if you no longer have a relationship seems passive agressive. At the same time, I know he is lonely and I feel quite horrible for him, but I know that our relationship was not healthy and I dread returning to him. Part of me wants to send him a kind thank you and be done with it. I feel awful accepting it, but I am afraid of what might happen if I return it...I don't want to trigger a breakdown. The whole thing makes me feel like a horrible selfish person, but I am miserable over the situation.
Does anyone have thoughts over what to do?
The relationship was quite volatile and it did not end well. Things were idyllic at first, but it quickly dissolved into something crazy and unhealthy. There was a sudden switch a while in, and he turned into an emotional wreck. Got suicidal. Was terribly depressed. His behavior was erratic, and on top of the stress emotional turmoil he caused me, I would constantly get passive agressive messages and emails from him picking apart all my actions and listing all the ways I managed to hurt him, even though I reall was not actively trying to. Much of it was that he constantly wanted to discuss deep dark feelings, and I was so emotionally drained that I would change the subject or try to lighten things up...which would trigger another detailed email. He decided to let me know the night before my first final of that semester that he went back to his ex girlfriend, and I lost it at him and told him never to talk to me again.
I had a considerable amount of stuff left at his house...most of it quite special to me...so after a couple months when I had calmed down and healed, I contacted him for it back. I couldn't get him to mail it or agree to a neutral drop off, so I drove by to get it (I don't want him to know where I live) and he invited me in. It was hard enough for me to see him so I was friendly, and though I know it was a mistake, I let him draw me into conversation with me for a good amount of time. (he's one of those who is impossible to get out of conversation with).
On my birthday, he sent me a gchat saying that he had a gift for me, and I replied thanking him but letting him know that while I don't want to be ungrateful, it was not necessary and he doesn't need to give me anything. I found a few days later that he had dropped by over the weekend and left his gift at my law school in my personal mailbox. It was very sentimental and quite valuable...a first edition of my favorite book.
Since then, I have had horrible amounts of stress over what to do with it. It was a beautiful gift, and I feel like a total asshole for not wanting it. I've gotten a lot of conflicting advice, because I am afraid of triggering another psychotic or depressive episode if I return it, but I don't want to acknowledge it. I am also angry...I feel like this is an extremely manipulative move, and the idea of giving someone valuable gifts if you no longer have a relationship seems passive agressive. At the same time, I know he is lonely and I feel quite horrible for him, but I know that our relationship was not healthy and I dread returning to him. Part of me wants to send him a kind thank you and be done with it. I feel awful accepting it, but I am afraid of what might happen if I return it...I don't want to trigger a breakdown. The whole thing makes me feel like a horrible selfish person, but I am miserable over the situation.
Does anyone have thoughts over what to do?
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Re: Gifts from an ex September 22, 2012 | Registered: 12 years ago Posts: 5,567 |
If returning the gift will cause nothing but grief and stress on both sides keep it. Send a nice thank you note, by snail mail, and keep it. Communicate ONLY by snail mail. You don't have to put a return address on an envelope.
You can keep it, regift it, or hide it away somewhere until enough time has passed and you've had time to put emotional distance between you and your ex.
Out of my own curiosity, what is the book???
You can keep it, regift it, or hide it away somewhere until enough time has passed and you've had time to put emotional distance between you and your ex.
Out of my own curiosity, what is the book???
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Re: Gifts from an ex September 22, 2012 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 7,757 |
You are not responsible for his feelings or his actions. Only he is. He went out of his way to do something manipulative. I would not acknowledge receiving this at all.
If you don't want to send it back don't send any notes or anything. If you don't send it back either dump it at a used book store or ebay it.
Now that you have no reason to contact him keep the cut clean and stark. No response, no messages, no contact. What he does, he owns. You are not the horrible selfish one here, he is. This wasn't a gift, it was a loaded weapon of manipulation designed to make you respond to him.
Read this book http://www.amazon.com/The-Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198 Take it from someone who has seen far to much of this, do not contact this guy ever again. Toss the book, change any contact information he may have, abandon that gchat forum, get a new mailbox at school. Do as much as you can to disappear from his radar.
Don't become a statistic.
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“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”
If you don't want to send it back don't send any notes or anything. If you don't send it back either dump it at a used book store or ebay it.
Now that you have no reason to contact him keep the cut clean and stark. No response, no messages, no contact. What he does, he owns. You are not the horrible selfish one here, he is. This wasn't a gift, it was a loaded weapon of manipulation designed to make you respond to him.
Read this book http://www.amazon.com/The-Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198 Take it from someone who has seen far to much of this, do not contact this guy ever again. Toss the book, change any contact information he may have, abandon that gchat forum, get a new mailbox at school. Do as much as you can to disappear from his radar.
Don't become a statistic.
_______________________________________________
“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”
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Re: Gifts from an ex September 22, 2012 | Registered: 12 years ago Posts: 5,567 |
I'd like to retract my crappy advice and beg forgiveness for it. When I first read your post I thought it might be a farewell gift or an apology. After reading Thom's post I realize I was wrong. I also agree that cutting off all contact is the best thing to do.
Again, I'd like to retract the crappy advice and beg forgiveness for it.
Again, I'd like to retract the crappy advice and beg forgiveness for it.
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Re: Gifts from an ex September 22, 2012 | Registered: 11 years ago Posts: 275 |
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satansbitch
I'd like to retract my crappy advice and beg forgiveness for it. When I first read your post I thought it might be a farewell gift or an apology. After reading Thom's post I realize I was wrong. I also agree that cutting off all contact is the best thing to do.
Again, I'd like to retract the crappy advice and beg forgiveness for it.
Don't worry about it SB. I appreciate the sentiment, and I understand how it can be construed that way. Thank you for taking the time to respond, and I always love reading your posts. With something like that I think it is easy to misinterpret what is going on.
Thom...what do you mean about a statistic? He may have some serious mental issues, but he has never been violent. Im not arguing with you, but I remember from your posts that you have professional background in responding to emergencies (I am sorry that the details elude me!) so I would really appreciate your insight. I did go ahead and blocked him on gchat, and I'm going to call my phone service provider about blocking his number. I wish I could change my mailbox, but it cant be moved from where all the student boxes are at the school and he has access since he is an alum. I do think, if you think it is a dangerous situation, that I should spend time in my clinic office since it is protected by a coded door.
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Re: Gifts from an ex September 22, 2012 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 12,434 |
I would agree to not having contact with him. He may not have been violent in the past, but you're in the situation where violence is most likely to occur (the breakup stage) and he sounds somewhat unhinged and controlling.
As for the gift itself, it may be nice and under other circumstances it would have been a thoughtful gift, but I don't think you want to have it around to remind you of him and possibly stir up confused feelings. Sell the book and donate the money to your favorite charity. That way you've done some good but you don't need to feel manipulated.
As for the gift itself, it may be nice and under other circumstances it would have been a thoughtful gift, but I don't think you want to have it around to remind you of him and possibly stir up confused feelings. Sell the book and donate the money to your favorite charity. That way you've done some good but you don't need to feel manipulated.
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Re: Gifts from an ex September 22, 2012 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 1,921 |
NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT
You should see this book as an ENORMOUS
He may not have been violent in the past, but that is NO guarantee. Take NO chances. Treat him as if he is an unexploded atom bomb. Do everything you can to hide where you live.
You should see this book as an ENORMOUS
He may not have been violent in the past, but that is NO guarantee. Take NO chances. Treat him as if he is an unexploded atom bomb. Do everything you can to hide where you live.
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Re: Gifts from an ex September 22, 2012 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 6,607 |
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brattymcpants
Does anyone have thoughts over what to do?
Become a black hole. That part of your life is obviously done, though the guy still appears to be renting space in your head. As others have suggested, find some dignified way to dispose of the book. If he contacts you for a response (I'm guessing your school mailbox is the only venue for him now), just ignore him.
One thing I would advise from this point on is to document his actions in case you do have to file a complaint against him down the road to stop the stalking. But otherwise, just boot him out of your head and get on with your life. If the relationship is kaput, he has no right to demand a presence in your life. If he can't deal with the rejection, that's not your problem other than to keep the wall up. You are under no obligation to make him feel better in any way.
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Re: Gifts from an ex September 22, 2012 | Registered: 11 years ago Posts: 275 |
Thank you everyone for your advice. I am one of those people who starts physically twitching if I do not send a thank you note for any gift I receive, so I will probably feel guilty for a while. I guess the reason he still has a residence in my head is that he won't fucking go away. Not only would I get long heartfelt e-mails after I told him never to speak to me again, he would forward me all sorts of crap, like something from groupon that made him think of me. He's such a mess that I always feel bad, but you guys are right, this is extremely manipulative.
About the violence thing, you all do have a point. He was never violent towards me, but then again I never saw at the beginning of the relationship that he was crazy either. So you never know.
Another problem is that I found a few things he left at my old apartment when I was unloading things I boxed when I moved. I should probably mail it back to him, but is there a way to do that where I won't imply that I want to be in contact with him?
Again, thank you all for your advice. I will probably sell the book and donate the money to a local animal rescue group.
About the violence thing, you all do have a point. He was never violent towards me, but then again I never saw at the beginning of the relationship that he was crazy either. So you never know.
Another problem is that I found a few things he left at my old apartment when I was unloading things I boxed when I moved. I should probably mail it back to him, but is there a way to do that where I won't imply that I want to be in contact with him?
Again, thank you all for your advice. I will probably sell the book and donate the money to a local animal rescue group.
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Re: Gifts from an ex September 22, 2012 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 1,921 |
wink: 
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Re: Gifts from an ex September 23, 2012 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 7,757 |
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brattymcpants
Thank you everyone for your advice. I am one of those people who starts physically twitching if I do not send a thank you note for any gift I receive, so I will probably feel guilty for a while. I guess the reason he still has a residence in my head is that he won't fucking go away. Not only would I get long heartfelt e-mails after I told him never to speak to me again, he would forward me all sorts of crap, like something from groupon that made him think of me. He's such a mess that I always feel bad, but you guys are right, this is extremely manipulative.
About the violence thing, you all do have a point. He was never violent towards me, but then again I never saw at the beginning of the relationship that he was crazy either. So you never know.
Another problem is that I found a few things he left at my old apartment when I was unloading things I boxed when I moved. I should probably mail it back to him, but is there a way to do that where I won't imply that I want to be in contact with him?
Again, thank you all for your advice. I will probably sell the book and donate the money to a local animal rescue group.
There has been more than case I treated where the was no history of violence - till this time. The red flags are there. As for his stuff, mail it from a drop box store (one of those places that has private non USPS mailboxes. Many time they'll be a UPS dealer or something. If they insist on a return address rent one of their boxes for the shortest contacts they give. If he tries to hunt doen an address he'll find a strip mall.
_______________________________________________
“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”
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Re: Gifts from an ex September 24, 2012 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 7,149 |
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brattymcpants
Thom...what do you mean about a statistic? He may have some serious mental issues, but he has never been violent. .
These are famous last words. "The Gift of Fear" is a fantastic book and discusses the manipulation tactics, as well as our innate nature to be nice.
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From a bottle cap message on a Magic Hat #9 beer: Condoms Prevent Minivans
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I want to pick up a bus full of unruly kids and feed them gummi bears and crack, then turn them loose in Hobby Lobby to ransack the place. They will all be wearing T shirts that say "You Could Have Prevented This."
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Re: Gifts from an ex September 28, 2012 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 5,275 |
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thom_c
You are not responsible for his feelings or his actions. Only he is. He went out of his way to do something manipulative. I would not acknowledge receiving this at all.
If you don't want to send it back don't send any notes or anything. If you don't send it back either dump it at a used book store or ebay it.
Now that you have no reason to contact him keep the cut clean and stark. No response, no messages, no contact. What he does, he owns. You are not the horrible selfish one here, he is. This wasn't a gift, it was a loaded weapon of manipulation designed to make you respond to him.
Read this book http://www.amazon.com/The-Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198 Take it from someone who has seen far to much of this, do not contact this guy ever again. Toss the book, change any contact information he may have, abandon that gchat forum, get a new mailbox at school. Do as much as you can to disappear from his radar.
Don't become a statistic.
Thom has NAILED it. He is manipulating you. I love beautiful old books...but no book is worth your peace of mind and your dignity. See if you can sell the book. Better yet, get a friend to sell it for you and give you the money. Get it out of the house and out of your sight. Talk to the people at school to let them know he is stalking you. Do not contact this person ever again.
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Established tiling methods are for unlambent nonbreathers filled with tiny rage.--CrabCake
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