Am I wrong?

My SIL and BIL were over this weekend, and I could not be any more different than them.

This weekend, my SIL took some time out to tell me how I am "wrong" living my life the way that I do.

I am "wrong" because I:

- Don't work enough hours (as she sees it)
- Don't save nearly enough money for retirement
- Spend far too much time on vacations and hobbies, which require me to spend money
- Don't want to own a house at some point
- Do not want children

She claims that I am a "perpetual teenager" and will be "sorry" for my choices in the long run.

My SIL and BIL consider themselves to be "very responsible people". For them, this includes:

- Working a well paying full time job (teaching - they are both tenured, and in NY, they are able to pull in about $75K each)
- Tutoring on the weekend during the school year
- Working full time all summer
- Banking money for emergencies and retirement
- Owning and updating a home
- Having children

My SIL thinks that our youth is for work and children, and our old age and retirement is for hobbies and enjoyment of life. I personally think that she is ridiculous. I think NOW - when you are healthy - is the time for enjoying your life, and old age and retirement is the time for you to maybe start thinking about slowing down a little. I believe that there is no guarantee that we will be healthy (or alive) in our 60s and 70s, so if you want to do something - do it now. My SIL believes that she will be healthy and long-lived, and her hobbies and dreams can wait until she isn't working. My SIL and BIL NEVER go on vacation, or take weekends away for themselves. They do nothing but work, and plan. Plan for what to fix up next in the house and plan for children.

My partner and I do save money, but we also try to go away about four times per year. We have an emergency account, regular savings accounts and a few different retirement accounts. Sure, we don't have triple digit savings in our accounts like they do, but everything is always paid and we never have to ask for help. We work, but we don't work ourselves to death. Our bills are all paid on time. We live in a condo, where we don't have to shovel, mow the lawn, etc. We also have a gym, pool, clubhouse and rec room. Neither of us have any desire to get involved with owning a home. We use our credit cards (another big issue with my SIL) and pay them off.

This weekend was pretty much the last straw with my in laws. My partner and I not only get lectured from my MIL about working/money, but now we are getting it from my SIL? My partner and I get a lot of enjoyment out of our lives - we have very good friends, we do very fun things and we really have no complaints. However, we are terrible people in the eyes of my partner's family because we aren't willing to work 90 hours/week and invest all of our free time into having kids.

I told my partner that I will not spend any more time with her family after this weekend.

I don't feel as if I am the wrong one here. What do you all think?

I think you have more patience than I do because that conversation would've quickly turned nasty. Sorry, I have a temper.

You are not in the wrong here. She should've kept her mouth shut. I personally agree with you about enjoying life when you're young. I don't want to wait until I'm 65 to start having fun. It sounds like you and your partner are happy and doing well, just not in the way she thinks you should be.

I'd say don't mind her. Your SIL doesn't have any right to tell you the way you're living your life is wrong. You're not taking anything from her, so she needs to either learn to keep her thoughts to herself or stay away from your home.

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"Be yourself, no matter what. Some will adore you, and some will hate everything about you, but who cares?

It's your life. Make the most out of it."

Since it's your partner's family, I feel it should be up to her to set boundaries with them, that when/if they visit, the topics x, y, and z are not to be discussed, because it's none of their business. As your partner, I personally feel she should have your back and tell them to respect you when interacting with you. You are also within your rights not to visit with them yourself if you feel that's what's right for you. I think it's tacky of them to discuss such personal things such as what you do with your income and savings in any case. My husband and I are similar to you guys, but we don't travel as much. But we don't work ourselves to death, either, because we want to have time together. It's very important for us to be able to spend a lot of time together. We also don't plan to buy property, and we've gotten bingoed about this from time to time as well from people. We just don't want to deal with the upkeep and repairs, and we want the freedom to just move if we need to. It works for us. You have to do what works for your life.

I feel for you, surgicalvetnurse. How rude to visit you (at your place I presume) and lecture/ pester you. Have tact and manners gone the way of dinosaurs? You may not have a house, you still have a home. Your life choices are not affecting others, "live and let live". Are they expecting you both to leave all you assets to their kids someday? eyes2

You're not wrong. Hanging out with these people sounds about as pleasant as a root canal. Actually a root canal sounds a lot more fun. They are entitled, judgmental, bigoted assholes. Period. The fact that they bred is all the more tragic.

Choosing not to spend time with your partner's family is definitely the high road considering that telling them to fuck themselves with the biggest Saguaro they can find is also an option you could have taken. Your partner should recognize the generosity of your move and be happy you chose not to treat them like an episode of the Fresh Prince where Jazz gets tossed out.

If you're asking if your chosen way of life is wrong, NO. It's not. You are living life on your own terms and doing what is best for you. The one thing I do see wrong is allowing your idiot SIL to plant this kind of doubt in your mind. I think she talks out of jealousy and spite. When was the last time she had the kind of freedom you have??? Keep that in mind the next time you deal with her.

This is the way I see life...

No one is guaranteed even their very next breath, every moment is a gift from God, and I think that He'd be really disappointed in us not living every moment to the fullest. I agree with you - if you are able to do what you want at that moment, then you should do so, and enjoy it. There's no guarantee that "retirement age" will come for anyone. I have heard it said that more often than not, it's the things we don't do in life that we regret more than the things we do. I don't think you're wrong at all for living your life the way that makes you happy.

I suppose that the way your SIL and BIL live works for them, because they have kids to think of. But, your life can be so different if you don't have kids. Also, not getting this "having kids is a requirement to society, and you're shirking your responsibility" attitude that so many people have. Everyone should be free to follow their heart's desire.

I hope that your partner will support your deciding to not participate in these get-togethers. I hope that you have healthy dynamics. I know how much of a pain it is to deal with aggravating in-laws, although not to your extent. It can really just drain you. For me, it's easier to go along than to get grief over it. I so hope that isn't the case for you. So NO, I don't think your decision is wrong at all. You need to take care of yourself.

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I heard them tell me that this land of dreams was now
I told them I had ridden shooting stars and said I'd show them how
- Ozzy Osbourne -

My SIL and MIL are soulless, empty non-entities. Their only concerns are status, money, family and appearing "right" to society.

My MIL is a low self-esteem, no self-worth parasite who hooked onto my FIL and hasn't gotten off of the teat. My FIL was an IT big wig at a national corporation, and she got used to being trotted out as "Mrs. IT Big Wig". It's pretty much all she has had in her life. She had ONE job in her 64 years, and she worked there for maybe 5 years before she got married - and she never went to work again. She's spent her life being a SAHM and priming her two children to be "perfect" and presenting the "perfect" family to everyone. My partner pretty much rejected this, but my SIL is totally entrenched in it. My BIL is an obviously miserable person because my SIL spends so much time fussing over the house being "perfect", their marriage being "perfect", hosting holidays, planning, planning, planning, etc.

They suck the ever living life out of me. I cut out my own family, and I am done with my partners. I don't have the patience to deal with their ignorance and materialism.

They zero work-life balance. Everybody needs hobbies in order to keep sane from the corporate rat race. It seems like they have zero days off in a week. Working non-stop like that would cause major burn out. Life is meant to be lived to the fullest because you don't know if it will be your last day or become disabled the next. I don't care if people frown upon my lifestyle, choices, hobbies, and interest., All I care about is making myself happy and pleasing myself.

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satansbitch
If you're asking if your chosen way of life is wrong, NO. It's not. You are living life on your own terms and doing what is best for you. The one thing I do see wrong is allowing your idiot SIL to plant this kind of doubt in your mind. I think she talks out of jealousy and spite. When was the last time she had the kind of freedom you have??? Keep that in mind the next time you deal with her.

Exactly! Seems to me that SIL is a bit jealous of the freedom you have in your life. She probably lives the way she does because she is of the mind that 'This is just what people do' and follows the Lifescript while deep down might not be very happy with her life at all.

I've gone through the same song and dance with my brother. The last time he began to lecture me about my life and my finances, sticking his nose in where it doesn't belong in other words, I sent him the mother of all emails where I basically told him that if he doesn't stop his shit that I will no longer be part of his life. He has since put a muzzle on his mouth.

So, the short answer is NO you are NOT wrong!

You're not wrong. Those people are wrong for YOU.

I have family members like this, too. They think their way is the ONLY way, and nothing I ever did that they knew about was good enough for them. It's absolutely crazymaking, and without perspective from sane people, it can really make you feel like a worthless piece of crap. I'm glad you asked about it here, so that we can tell you that they are completely out of bounds to be nitpicking the way you life your life like that. There's nothing at all wrong with how you're doing things. We all do the best we can with the time we have, and it's nobody else's business to tell us we're doing it wrong, just because it's not the way they'd do it, or not the way they ended up. The hell with 'em.