The "I hate my ex" thread

OK, so I'm not sure if people will actually like this or not, but I notice that some people in certain threads mention their horrible, toxic, evil exes and have something to vent about them. It takes sometimes many years to fully recover from bullying from any person, most especially someone you were romantically involved with at some point. Maybe this could be a cathartic thread to bitch about our horrible exes. Sometimes it helps me to just be vitriolic as all hell, and I feel better when I let things out. If anyone wants to join in, go right on ahead!

As a disclaimer, I'm very happy in my current life with the way things have turned out, in both the romantic aspect as well as with other aspects of my life. I'm more content with myself and more comfortable in my own skin than I've ever been. I think as a karmic reward of some kind, my current life is awesome, and I was able to love again (this time for real with an amazing person who is REAL and is who he says he is). I even knew I could marry this man and trust him with my life. He's my other half and pretty much my twin in so many ways, although we are also each our own, unique selves. Maybe serving my sentence with the ex taught me how to find the RIGHT person.

Even with my current happiness, my ex put me through so much bullshit that I still have some residual anger and bitterness towards him because he just treated me like such shit the whole time he was in my life. I'm not a victim, and I own my part in allowing him to treat me like shit, but at the same time, he's an adult and should have known better. Most especially because I did so much to help that bastard and got NOTHING back. He didn't want me to succeed at anything. He wanted to keep me just down enough that I felt trapped, but still employed so he could have his meal ticket. This is how this person learned to survive, which is pathetic. This is a person who came from good parents and a good family, a privileged life. This person is a prime example of how people can be PNBs and still have kids that turn out to be horrible and shitty.

I was naive enough at age 20 when I met this pathetic specimen of a human being that his having a golden tongue was enough to charm me. He honed in on what my interests and passions are and pretended to share these things. He was affectionate and amorous in the beginning as well. It was enough to fool me. I was really inexperienced and didn't have any frame of reference to avoid dysfunctional relationships. While my parents were divorced, they had been since I was 2, and I didn't get to witness the dysfunction. My mom and stepdad have an idyllic marriage, and I just saw it as a given that when someone said they love you, they actually mean it.

It moved fast with my ex, and we were living together 3 months after we started dating. I know I should've known better, that it was a mistake, but I really thought this guy truly loved me. I fell hard and fast for someone who didn't actually exist. As soon as he had his hooks in, he changed into his true, ugly self. The relationship was always unhealthy and toxic. He was the addict (alcoholic) and I was the codependent. Sure, there were some good times (especially in the beginning while on his best behavior - I kept hoping that person would come back. Never did). But the drama and dysfunction outweighed the good by a long shot. I was a regular pot smoker in those days, and mostly because it was a temporary escape. He did everything in his power to make me feel small, worthless, and stupid. Unfortunately, despite me being fairly intelligent, it worked for him for several years.

Long story short, I spent years supporting this asshole who treated me like shit, and I still really don't why. And I fucking hate him. He's an evil scumfuck. I also feel stupid for wanting to "stay friends" during our many breakups and keeping him around in my life instead of just making a clean break. After the final breakup, we were "roommates" because we had been living together and I didn't have enough money to move out. He was "laid off" from his job (I knew he was actually fired, but he told everyone "laid off" so they'd feel sorry for him) and he didn't try to get another job while collecting unemployment.

I had to BEG him to give me HIS HALF of the household expenses and not spend it all on weed and alcohol and other stupid shit for him. We still had a lot of arguments even though we weren't dating anymore. It sucked so bad to live with my ex and I wanted nothing more than to get the fuck out of there, but having nowhere to go, I had to just try to save what I could for a deposit and rent for a new place while still keeping things going there. He moved in his new girlfriend (we were in a very informal/no lease living situation at the time so I essentially had no say, and having nowhere to go initially, I had to suck it up and deal with it). I didn't have a problem with her in the beginning. I more wanted to warn her about what she was getting into, but I knew it wasn't my place. Anyway, that was also a fiasco. I'm just thankful that I had my own, separate bedroom I could lock myself into. I lived with two people who hated me, despite the fact I was pulling all the weight in the household (she NEVER ended up getting a job). She had bipolar which she didn't treat with therapy or meds, and went off on me during her rages. Never apologized or seemed to feel bad, and he always jumped to her defense.

So, I finally saved up enough to GTFO, and it was the biggest weight off my shoulders. That was the WORST living situation I'd ever been in. I still hate both of them so much, but him much more than her. He did the same shit to her that he did to me, but she was such a bitch to me I almost feel like she kind of deserved it. She was 4 years younger than me. The girlfriend he had before me was 4 years older than me. If it doesn't work out with her, is he going to go for someone even younger? Jesus H. Christ, that fucker is such a tool and I hate him! I'm so glad they moved out of state. After I moved to my own apartment, I deleted and blocked them both from Fakebooger and blocked them from my email. I got a new phone number and they didn't know my address. I never want to hear anything about that fuckbag ever again!

/Rant

Quote
Snark Shark
:hs:hs:hs

Wow, I made the Shark speechless?

ETA: What I typed ain't even the half of it.

I am happily married to an awesome CF guy. I am his first wife. He is my third husband. We met when I was 40, right after I was divorced from #2. I have been really happy for the past 11 years. Because of the nightmare that was my ex, I dated him for four years before I would marry him. I felt he was a good person, but I was so scarred by my ex, the con artist.

I feel loved and supported by my current husband and he's a normal person. One of the things I like best about him is that he is a happy, functional person and he's an HONEST person--he doesn't put on airs. It's SO MUCH WORK being married to someone who is always playing games, is never satisfied, and who is busy being dishonest all the time. That was #2 all the way.

I bear my first husband no ill will--he was kind of an ass, but I shouldn't have married him. We got married after a ridiculously-short courtship and I was very young. I wanted to get the Hell away from my parents.

My second husband is another story. I waited 8 years to get remarried. He really put up an act. All my friends, very savvy women, loved him. Before we married he seemed nice and stable. Little did I know, he was on medication and DID NOT DISCLOSE THAT FACT. (I'm not saying I wouldn't marry someone who was on medication, but I believe you owe that information to someone with whom you are entering a LTR.) After we got married, he unilaterally decided he didn't need his meds and quit them. He became an angry, shrieking, rageful and jealous person. He refused to go to back to the doctor. He needed CONSTANT attention. He pouted constantly because he wouldn't tell me what he wanted, and then he'd be angry because I couldn't read his mind. I cannot stand the (typically female) behavior when someone says "you should know what I'm thinking." We are both adults, right? We both can speak, right? I tell my current husband my philosophy is, "I assume everything is great unless you tell me otherwise." It's worked for 11 years because that's how adults conduct their business.

Looking back on it, I think what made me most angry was the extent to which he lied and tried to be what I wanted, rather than just being himself. Here's an example: I like to drink fresh juices, made from kale and carrot juice or something like that. When we were dating he drank some carrot juice I made. I remember after we got married, I was making juice like usual and he was like NO WAY AM I EVER DRINKING THAT STUFF AGAIN. I asked him why he did it if he hated it so much and he said, I wanted to impress you. Are you fucking kidding me? I had that sense of doom when he said that Why would you lie about something so trivial?

He also turned into a jealous asshole. I remember one time we were at a party. It was hot in the room and he didn't want me to take off my jacket because he didn't want men looking at my chest. I never gave him any reason for concern, in fact, he was the one who had a married girlfriend at the three year mark.

Another thing that made me mad was that I have chronic pain and migraines. Sleep is very important when you have chronic pain. The man snored so loudly that I COULD HEAR HIM IN THE NEXT ROOM. He was also very restless in bed. He had all the signs of sleep apnea (which can KILL YOU) but refused to go to the doctor. My health started to go downhill because I wasn't getting any sleep. He started sleeping in the guest bedroom, but one day around the time we split up, he screamed at me that I had "kicked him out of bed." What a psycho. It was HIS issue yet he refused to take responsibility for it. In contrast, in my current marriage, DH knows that sleep is important to me. DH snores, but very little. Unfortunately as I've got older and with menopause, I'm a lighter sleeper than ever. He is not resentful of that...he knows I wish I could sleep with him more, so we work around it. It's a completely different situation based on mutual respect not just I WANT WHAT I WANT, EVEN IF IT HURTS YOU.

And of course there was the cheating. He started badgering me to have a baybee and kept saying how empty he felt. I wasn't going to change my stance, but I spent MANY MONTHS trying to "fix" our marriage. He lied about the affair until the bitter end and I caught him red-handed. I really resent someone for putting me through all that when he wasn't committed to the marriage.

After I caught him cheating, I moved out, filed for divorce and we immediately signed papers. The bastard had the nerve to say to me, "you must really want to be divorced. I've never seen you move so fast." Why wouldn't I be? When someone is a chronic liar and cheats on you, isn't that the natural consequence? I really believe he thought I'd stick around and take his crap. Also, I might add, he chose to cheat on my when my mother had cancer and my grandmother was dying. I was taking care of both of them and let me tell you, he was extremely resentful of that. (They lived about 100 miles away.) What kind of asshole hassles you when you are taking care of family and cheats behind your back? The irony was, one of his beefs with his ex was that she wasn't understanding after his father died and his mother had Parkinson's diease and he spent time with his mother. I suppose it was only important when it was his problem.

The best part? About three years after we divorced, a mutual acquaintence ran into him at a store. She didn't know we were divorced. The stupid bastard started CRYING and told her he didn't know why I left and I "she never toldme why she was leaving." When she mentioned it to me, I told her that he definitely knew why I left because having a married girlfriend should be reason enough.

CRYING? The scary thing is, I think his sense of reality is so distorted, he convinced himself of that. He's that fucking psycho.

I heard through the grapevine that he is married again. (This is his second marriage since we got divorced.) I heard this woman had TWO LITTLE KIDS, like three and five, and they moved into his house. (A house I spent thousands on and it was falling apart before I moved in.) I hope those little fuckers are trashing the house and making his life Hell. The asshole is in his mid-50's now. So now he has the baybees he wanted. Sucker!

Wow, what a bastard! :hs So glad you got away and ended up with a nice, normal, sweet guy in a happy, healthy, stable marriage. It's so refreshing when you do eventually end up with someone who's not CRAZY and knows that your needs and wants are just as important as theirs.

ETA: Bellflower, I want to mirror you in expressing my thankfulness for my husband being a truly sweet, real, mature, and NORMAL person. He's gone above and beyond my ex in so many ways, and he always treats me with so much love, respect, kindness, and understanding. I got super lucky with him. He's never put on airs and has always been himself, and I never had to try to alter my personality to please him, either, since he loves me for who I truly am. It's so refreshing after dealing with the craptastic trauma my ex put me through, to come home to someone who genuinely loves me and treats me the way I deserve to be treated.

Hehe, I wonder if me bitching about my ex helped inspire this topic?

I dated my ex in high school, from 10th or 11th grade until graduation from high school, and since he was my first boyfriend (and only the second man to ask me out ever), I didn't really know what to expect. I've always heard people talking about how much marriage sucks, asshole husband, bitchy wife, etc., so I figured his bad behavior and treatment of me was normal, even if I hated it. I was with his dumb ass for about a year and a half, and that first year was good.

As mentioned before about him, he's a momma's boy and an only child (well, save for his stepsister who I never met). He moved out of his mother's house twice, each time to live with a girlfriend, only to move right back in with her. He doesn't really have any work ethic - he graduated a year late because he was too lazy to do his graduation project, and I think he's had two jobs his whole life. Absolutely no hobbies besides video games, sex, and swords.

---

Some of his greatest hits are:

- Forced me to talk on the phone with him for 2 hours minimum, every night. During summer break, I had a double shift - I was forced to talk to him for 2 hours in the afternoon and 2 hours at night, every day. If I wanted to get off the phone before 2 hours had elapsed, he'd throw a tantrum. If I hung up on him, he'd call back over and over again. There were days I had nothing to talk about, so I'd set the phone down and tell him, "If you want something, just beep. I got nothing to talk about." So we'd each be sitting, playing games with the phone off the hook, not talking.

- Had to follow me EVERYWHERE. Some days I'd want to go for a walk, or go get a drink at the convenience store or stay after school and work on shit. He would need to trail behind me like a lost puppy. Would absolutely not leave me alone even when I told him to go away. Best one was when I went to a local thrift store to find a dress for graduation. I tried my best to sneak out before he saw me, but alas, he spotted me and demanded to follow me so he could approve of my choice. He rejected every dress I looked at because he felt anything that showed my arms, neck, chest or legs was revealing and he didn't want anyone ogling me. I chose a sleeveless dress and he told me I "had better" wear a jacket over it because he didn't want anyone ogling his woman.

- Proposed to me when he found out I would not be taking a year off from my life to live with him and his mother. He did this because he wanted to make sure I wouldn't cheat on him in college. Because, you know, an engagement ring would totally stop me. I was asked to choose from several rings that were either from those little 50-cent prize machines at grocery stores or rings he stole from his mother.

- When I refused his proposal, he told me that he would be coming with me to college. Not to enroll, but he honestly believed he could hide from my roommates and the RAs while living in my dorm room in order to "keep an eye on me." My ex was about 250 pounds back then, but he fancies himself a ninja. When I informed him that it would be impossible for a non-student to live in a student dorm, he said he would attend college in the same city and then stalk me.

- Was incredibly jealous of any male that spoke to me or interacted with me. He expressed concern over me fucking my art teacher (a man in his 50s or 60s) when I said I was going to skip lunch and go to the art room to work on something. He told me I wasn't allowed to talk to any other man but him, to the point where he told our mutual male friends to leave me alone. Of course that didn't stop me or them from chatting.

- Would not accept my childfreedom. He told me, "Well I want lots of kids and you want none, so let's have just one and call it even. We'll make my mother raise it." He was serious too - he wanted to have a kid, and since his mother loves kids, he said we could give it to her to raise while we go on with our lives as normal.

- Had no idea he was being a royal douche canoe. He heard through the grape vine that I was going to leave him, and he sobbed to me that he didn't understand, didn't I love him, etc. I told him it was because he was treating me like shit and he said he wasn't, but asked what to do to make it up to me. I told him I would give him one month to learn to behave himself and if he proves he could be as nice as he was before, I would stay. So for exactly one month, to the day, he was an angel. The second that month was up, he was back to being an asshole. When asked why he went back to his fuckery, he said, "Well you said if I was good for a month, we'd be together forever." Noooo, I said if you can learn to be normal within a month and keep it up forever, then we could be together.

- When I finally broke up with him, he did not agree with the breakup and let me know that if I see other people, he'll tell everyone that I'm cheating. He felt that even though I broke up with him, he was still dating me because he didn't accept the breakup. He tried for a year to get me back.

- Threatened to go on a killing spree and then kill himself if I left him.

- My mother forbade me from seeing him at some point, but since it was during a time I hated his guts, I didn't mind. So he'd come to my house during the day (in the summer) to see me. I'd tell him I would not let him in or speak to him, but that didn't stop him and he'd sit outside banging on the door and screaming for 45 minutes. Then get pissed at me later on and ask why I didn't let him in.

- Got royally pissed at me when I said, "I love my friends." He was angry because he said there's only one kind of love, and it's between two people who are dating, so me saying I loved my friends meant I was IN love with them. I tried explaining what I meant, but since he's a fucktard, he didn't get it. Since there's "only one kind of love," I asked him if he loved his mother the same way he loved me. His response was that he didn't love his mother.

- Said his life's dream was to have a girl give him a blowjob while he played video games.

- Would insist that we hide out in the mens' bathroom at the hospital, in the handicapped stall so I could give him a blowjob. This was when I was not allowed to visit his house and we wouldn't have enough time to walk to his house, fool around and get back to the hospital so I could get a ride home with my mother when she got off work. We never got caught, thankfully.

- He took metal shop while we were dating, and he made me this ugly ring and bracelet out of...copper, I think? The ring did not fit and was painful to wear, and both pieces left ugly green marks on my skin. He demanded I wear them every day because if I didn't, it would mean I didn't love him.

- Molested his teenage stepsister when he was younger (when he was 11 or 12, I think). Weird that he was younger than her, but he was also huge and a lot stronger. Was forced to go to therapy to avoid being brought up on charges, so he went and basically told the therapists what they wanted to hear in order to get out as soon as possible.

---

Eventually, he and I did get back on speaking terms, but he generally only talks to me now to either gripe about his relationships (present or past) or ask me about health problems. People do stupid shit in their teenage years, and my ex was one of those things (though in the year and a half we dated, we never had sex).

Actually, Cambion, I've seen many, little comments peppered throughout Bratfree about horrible exes, so many people inspired me. And your ex is also a right bastard! Glad you got away from him! It's no wonder that he's continuing to have relationship problems. eyes2 The uber-clingy, controlling shit is the worst, along with his inability to understand that there's a difference between platonic and romantic love. The ones that won't take "no" for an answer and "don't believe you" when you want to break up are the worst! I also can't believe he would make you sit on the phone with him for a minimum amount of time, even after you'd seen each other during the day. WTF? :eyebrows

I actually have so many more "greatest hits" of my ex, too. What I wrote above was only a summary.

So, here are some of the greatest hits of MY ex, not included in my first post. This is so long, you might want to get a snack before you read this. larious

He moved from the Detroit area to my small city in Indiana to live with me. We met initially on some stupid thing like OKCupid, and after some initial contact through email and phone calls, I got a crush on him and he said he had one on me too. We initially scheduled the meet-up because he would be in town visiting his stepbrother, who was attending grad school here at the time. We hung out for a week, going out, doing fun stuff, hanging out with my friends. He only ended up spending a short amount of time with his stepbrother. He really put on an act and we "hit it off" during that week, because he was on his best behavior then and was honing in to know what I'd want to see and hear from him.

He was all about moving down, claiming that there were more jobs here and it was a nicer city, and that he wanted to move down because he wanted to be with me. I found out the real truth was that he was super close to being evicted from his apartment there. Apparently, the money he used for his trip down here and the money to wine and dine me and have a hotel room (I was living with a housemate at the time) and such was actually money his dad gave him to bail him out of trouble so he could get caught up on the rent and bills and keep his apartment. He blew through $2,000 in a week! I had no idea until months after he moved in, when he finally told me the truth of the real living situation up there and that the money he used to come visit and have fun with me for a week was money not intended for that purpose.

He had originally told me his lease was UP, so I talked to my housemate and we agreed to let him move down. My instincts deep, down inside told me it was too soon to let him move in, but my 20-year-old brain thought it seemed like a better idea than for him to stay another year in Detroit, why not move down here? He had no job up there (another RED FLAG I wish I'd seen, but he really painted the picture that it wasn't his fault and I believed him). So my friend I was living with agreed that I could move him in. My housemate eventually ended up just moving in with her boyfriend because she didn't feel comfortable around my ex. I felt bad about the whole thing, but I felt like she was judging him too harshly. In hindsight I know that she was right to get a creeper vibe from him.

The first night he lived in my town, he CRIED because he missed his friends. I felt sympathy at the time, but now I kind of don't get it, since Detroit isn't that far from here and visiting was very possible. He also made no effort to keep in touch with all but one friend after. It was fucking weird. Plus, I didn't make him move here. HE was the one pushing harder to move here. I don't get it. My husband moved here from a foreign country, where he has to spend about 30 hours all-told to go home and visit, and he never once cried about it. My ex could've hopped a Greyhound or a train for less than $200.00 and spent maybe half a day of travel to go visit. And he was crying about not being able to see his friends. eyes2

Whilst we were living together the first time, as a couple, he left his Yahoo account open on our shared computer, and I was using it one evening. I never went snooping or anything like that. Some instant messaging windows popped up for him, and it was some chick who said she was interested in what they'd been chatting about earlier. I didn't respond or do anything, but I confronted him about it. Apparently, he actually created an account pretending to be me, and was trying to attract girls with this account, claiming that I was a bi female who wanted a threesome with some other girl, him, and me. I actually am bisexual, but it was super inappropriate for him to go on PRETENDING to be me to find a girl to have a threesome with us, most especially as he didn't actually discuss this with me to get my consent.

I really laid into him hard about it, making him delete the fake "me" account, etc. A few months later, I was surfing the net again, and he had left his OWN yahoo account on this time, and an I.M. popped up from a girl, AGAIN, this time the message being for him.

When I confronted him about that one, he just claimed it was a misunderstanding, but got mad at me for seeing it. I couldn't help but see it - it popped up right in front of me! I never went on his account snooping. He claimed the message was just a friend of his. For a "friend," the message had an overtly sexual tone. He said that I was just being insecure and unreasonable. I, for whatever reason, just let it go.

I found out after the first time we broke up that he slept with an acquaintance of mine (ex girlfriend of one of my good friends), and that he also had a one night stand with some girls he went to a party with (and wouldn't let me go with him, of course). His excuse for that party was that I already had a group of friends, and he just needed to branch out and make his own friends. I would respect that if it were true, but he was super reclusive and didn't seem to need friends most of the time. I think he just met this chick who invited him to a party and he wanted to get some nookie on the side.

Speaking of nookie, he had whiskey dick a lot because he drank way too much, and so I got denied sex, a LOT. It's so ironic that a dude who had such huge porn stashes and trawled around on Yahoo for chicks, couldn't regularly bang his own girlfriend. We had plenty of sex in the first 6 months or so of the relationship, then it just dried up to a once a month thing, and then after several months of that, it turned into a quarterly thing. I think he put me on some huge pedestal when he met me, and then when I was human and didn't live up to that, he stopped being "into me" as a love interest, but he stayed around because I was stable and responsible in my employment, and he knew he could be a layabout and I'd still take care of things. I've always taken care to look after myself and maintain my appearance, so I KNOW it wasn't me. HE, on the other hand, got really lax about his appearance and hygiene. He was like one of those moos who doesn't shower for days on end. I tried to tactfully talk to him about it. He claimed he was depressed. He was ALWAYS depressed.

His employment track record is horrible. In and out of jobs over all the years I was involved with him. He did manage to hold one down for about 2 years, but it was VERY part-time. It was at a costume shop, and he really liked costumes and stuff. A lot of people do, and there's nothing wrong with that. I enjoy it, too. But he would funnel most of his paycheck back into the place buying stupid shit for himself, and then throw me a 20 for groceries. So even when he had his "steady job," I had to take care of everything myself. When he was fired for not showing up because he was too hung over and didn't want to drag his ass out of bed, it was always their fault. The last year of living with him, he didn't work at all. He collected unemployment until it ran out. I had to beg for him to pay his half of things. After it ran out, he and his girlfriend laid around all the time smoking weed, drinking, and playing video games. The landlord was pretty absent (always out of town) and almost impossible to get ahold of in that living situation, so believe me, if I COULD have done anything, I would. They donated plasma for their grocery money (groceries being cigs and beer, because they hit up the food pantry for freebies). Neither one of them would try and get a job.

I have more! While living in Detroit, he had a run-in with the law because of a DUI, and because of probation violations he had to serve about 5 months in jail. This was well before I met him, but the legal ramifications followed him to Indiana. He had no license because of this. In Michigan they are pretty strict about the stipulations of eventually getting your license back. He had to attend a year of AA meetings or something. He steadfast refused to do it because he claimed that AA made him want to drink more. eyes2 He was already getting pretty shitfaced about 3 or 4 nights a week anyway, so I don't see why it would have mattered. Why he didn't just suck it up and fake it for a year so he could just get his license back is beyond me. He had to drive a moped to get around, and would complain when it was inclement weather and he couldn't use it. Then he got his dad to buy him an actual motorcycle that he found on Craigslist and had to do a bunch of work on, which cost even more money. Because of the thing in Detroit, he couldn't even get a motorcycle license here, because Michigan blocked him from getting it. He could have, at that moment, just sucked it up and started attending AA meetings (he had to get some thing signed every week showing he'd attended) so he could eventually get a license of SOME kind. The transportation thing was a problem for getting to work, and caused him to get fired/"laid off" from the last job he had here, even though he claims that they laid him off because they couldn't afford him anymore. It was because the bus didn't go out to where he worked, and every time his bike broke down or the roads were bad because of snow, he called in.

He was verbally abusive, especially after drinking. I mean, he would say any and everything to cut me down and make me feel small. It wasn't all the time, of course. It was during fights, mostly, and there were plenty of them. It was, always, of course "my fault" for "provoking him" even though it was always him who started these fights, as I NEVER thought it was a good idea to engage anyone in a conflict when they're inebriated. Despite this, I did end up internalizing a lot of it, even though I was also mad and knew he was wrong to treat me like that. He threatened to leave a lot. A good friend of mine, when I confided in her about it, said that threatening to leave was a way of trying to wield power, since the only "power" someone should have in any relationship is the power to end it. He was verbally abusive for years, and right before the final breakup, he actually began doing physical stuff, like grabbing my shoulders and shaking me, pulling my hair, etc. That's what finally woke me up to the fact that I'd ended up with an abuser. Even if he didn't actually lay a hand on me for years, it was building up to that. It's what finally opened my eyes and woke me up.

We were "officially" boyfriend and girlfriend for two years, living together. Then, for 2 years after that we were broken up and not living together (the sanest time I had during those years), and living with subsequent roommates. Then we were "seeing each other" and had an open relationship and lived together for two more years after that, and then like a year of being broken up and being "housemates" while his girlfriend (who he met on an adult meetup site) lived there. So 7 years of pure hell!

The final icing on the cake, which made me know for sure that I didn't want to even remain in touch with him on even an acquaintance level, was that while I was in Russia visiting the AMAZING man who would become my husband (it was six weeks of pure bliss, one of the best times of my life!), they didn't use the money I gave them to pay any rent or bills, so the landlord was on the rampage and wanted us all out toot sweet. I had six weeks of the most amazing time of my life and pure bliss, and came home to the WORST situation ever. It was so fucking stressful!

I had to ask my parents to store my stuff and house me for two weeks before my apartment was ready so I could dodge the old landlord, because I was DONE giving money to that living situation. I wasn't on any form of lease, but this landlord was a crooked bastard and I wouldn't have put it past him to try and get money out of me. I was fortunate enough not to even bump into him during the confrontations he had with the other two about it, as I was at WORK during the times he came over. Luckily, my folks were happy to help me out so I could get the hell away without having to deal with someone hitting me up for money. Not only that, these two procured a plasma screen TV while I was gone. They told me that a friend gave it to them, which I knew was a lie, but at the time I was so close to being out of there I didn't want to ruffle feather and maintain as much civility as possible during the last leg of my time there. My upstairs neighbor at the place told me that they sold the car and used the money to buy the TV. They probably used the money I gave them for utilities and rent to buy weed or beer.

I also found out after they skipped town to move out of state that they'd borrowed a substantial amount of money from two of our mutual friends and left town without saying so much as a goodbye, while owing hundreds of dollars to both of these people. Then they had the nerve to post shitty statuses on fakebook about how those people were MEAN for being mad at them. eyes2 I knew I didn't want to really be in touch very much with them save for an intermittent email, but this was the final straw that made total estrangement a need for me. These people proved they are not worthy of my friendship by a long shot.

You know, it's so weird, because I'm not a stupid person, but I spent the majority of my 20's being involved with this awful person, and I really don't know why. I FEEL stupid for having let him treat me the way he did and remaining in his life after the FIRST several offenses. How do perfectly intelligent people end up in these crazy relationships? I sometimes really wonder what was wrong with me to have put up with it for so long.

My husband is a normal, honest, happy, and emotionally balanced person. He's well-adjusted. He treats me like gold. He moved across an ocean to be with me. He works hard. He respects me and is always so loving and doting. We talk things out and communicate with love and respect for each other. He flew me to Russia twice, because I couldn't afford the air fare. He went through the immigration process with me so we could be together. He ran around Moscow in the freezing, minus 20 degree weather last winter for three days to go through his interview and medical exam for his visa to get here. While living far away from each other, he managed to go above and beyond in every way. He was always available when I needed him, even with a 7 to 8 hour time difference and distance of 7,000 km. He made time for me and made me his top priority, and I did the same for him, while being long distance. While living together he's continuing to go above and beyond.

Like Bellflower said before, it's beyond exhausting to be with someone who goes out of their way being selfish and dishonest and never satisfied no matter how much of yourself you give to them, so in retrospect, being with someone so sweet and kind, and who is normal and well-adjusted, is such a breath of fresh air. Well before we had our plans to make a life together set in stone, I felt immense relief being with the amazing man who'd become my awesome, CF hubby. He NEVER stressed me out and always left me with a smile on my face.

That's one reason I always wondered why I thought the dysfunction of my ex was perfectly normal.

Edited to add more detail since I had time to kill at the library before the place I wanted lunch from opened. I think now I finally have it all out. Maybe this thread can be a repository of catharsis and gratitude for having escaped the evil exes

Shark, as always your commentary rocks! larioushankyou

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You know, it's so weird, because I'm not a stupid person, but I spent the majority of my 20's being involved with this awful person, and I really don't know why.

It's probably a combination of being young and trusting, but I will tell you, some people are really good at being deceptive. That's why I recommend long dating periods and not living together, when you may be tempted to overlook things. (I married my ex after a year of dating; and I made my current husband wait much longer. Mr. BellFlower wanted to get married sooner but he never pressured me,)

I'm so glad I'm rid of that psycho. I hadn't thought about this in a long while but here are some other examples of his psycho behavior:

1. I found out he was cheating one day only by accident. He denied anything was wrong even though he was acting more strangely than usual. I was home and the windows were open and I heard him talking on the cell phone when he was getting out of his car. I was supposed to be at the wedding of a friend, but I cancelled it to spend the weekend with him and "work on the marriage." When he came inside and I told him what I heard, he picked up a heavy book (think phone book sized) and HURLED IT AT ME. I had to duck to keep it from hitting me. He never showed physical violence up to that point, although he had been manipulative as Hell. I was like, I'm so out of here. After that I only went to the house when I knew he wasn't there and to move my stuff out.

2. Once it was all out in the open, he still lied to me and wouldn't come clean. He travelled a lot on business and told me this woman lived in city A, which was a frequent destination, and that he had known her a long time. She really was in city B, also a travel destination, and he had known her about six months. I went back to the house when he was out of town one weekend (probably seeing her) and found the cell phone bill. I called her at her work number and told her who I was. She told me they hadn't slept with each other (I'm sure that was a lie) and although I tried to be a bitch, I wasn't delusional enough to think it was all her. I know he started it. He also told me she was a battered woman, probably so I would think he was some kind of "good guy." The thinking was just so fucked up.

3. I can't count the number of times he would call me on the phone, sobbing and telling me how sorry he was, yet he would be hostile the next day and give me his justifications for having an affair.

ETA, based on some things cosmictraveler wrote, about men who cry easily. This dude could cry at the drop of a hat. It has not been my experience that men who cry easily are "sensitive" and "in touch with their feelings," or maybe they are--in touch with THEIR OWN FEELINGS. Every crying man with whom I've been involved has been a selfish, manipulative bastard. I don't see this as a male/female issue because I think women who cry easily do it too. When you can talk rationally about things, it's harder to defend an unreasonable position. There is nothing wrong with authentic crying in response to a life event, but beware of a man or woman who wants to restrict YOUR LIFE because of something awful that happened to THEM, or when they try to manipulate you with tears. It's SO UNATTRACTIVE in a man.


His justifications for having an affair included:

a. being unwilling to have his baybee, even though I had a tubal ligation prior to marriage,
b. "deliberately killing" a plant he gave me for Valentine's Day. WTF? The deal was, the cats were chewing on it and he had put it outside without my knowing and it was in the cold. When I would call him out on this ridiculous line of thinking and say to him, okay, let's assume that I killed the plant on purpose---are you saying that means I deserved to be cheated on? He said, "you're a mean person."
c. spending too much time on the computer, even though I worked full time and was in graduate school. Mind you, he never hinted this was an issue or said, can you fit X, Y or Z into your schedule? He sat around and watched TV 24/7 and never lifted a finger around the house.

The best thing I did was get him to sign papers while his affair was still going on. Later, when they broke up, he blamed me for the breakup. He said I had deliberately ruined his future relationship by talking with her. (She went back to her husband.) I told him, you started a LDR with a married woman, and you thought that had a future?

The kid thing is especially laughable, because he would be a horrible, character-disordered parent and no kid needs to grow up with a raging asshole. I truly feel sorry for the kids with whom he's living now. It woudln't surprise me to discover he's trying to spawn now, even though he's in his mid 50's. I hope he's living in chyld-infested Hell and working until age 70, while I'll be able to retire at 57.)

One thing is for sure, he definitely had severe mental problems. He needed to be on meds for the rest of his life to control his mental illness. There is nothing wrong with that, but he was very unlikely to admit that. The problem wasn't with him--it was with everyone else.

I'm very happy with my husband now. He's been the same person for 10+ years. There are no guarantees when another person is involved. All I can hope for is that he continues to value me and our marriage and to treat me well. I won't accept any less.

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bell_flower
ETA, based on some things cosmictraveler wrote, about men who cry easily. This dude could cry at the drop of a hat. It has not been my experience that men who cry easily are "sensitive" and "in touch with their feelings," or maybe they are--in touch with THEIR OWN FEELINGS. Every crying man with whom I've been involved has been a selfish, manipulative bastard. I don't see this as a male/female issue because I think women who cry easily do it too. When you can talk rationally about things, it's harder to defend an unreasonable position. There is nothing wrong with authentic crying in response to a life event, but beware of a man or woman who wants to restrict YOUR LIFE because of something awful that happened to THEM, or when they try to manipulate you with tears. It's SO UNATTRACTIVE in a man.

No joke! My ex could cry at the drop of a hat too, and it was obvious he was using it as a manipulation tool. My ex cried any and every time he thought he might be able to tug at my heartstrings to manipulate me (usually into not breaking up with him).

I think you're right about my age at the time I met him, and lack of experience, playing into it. I always told myself growing up I wouldn't end up with an abuser, but I still DID. :headbrick I often wonder if anyone could have told me anything that would've made me more savvy than I was to reading red flags and other signs of danger on the horizon.

What's funny, I completely forgot to mention how and why he and I broke up for the first time, after 2 years of "exclusive" dating. I put exclusive in quotes because of his trawlin' for chicks on the internet and other instances of infidelity.

So, he dumped me for a chick he met on the internet after two years or so of dating and living together. She was, of course, thinner than me (not prettier, IMHO). She was an artist, and was mysterious, and blah dee blah. At the time, I was heartbroken and I wrote an entry on my Livejournal which I didn't bother to make private. He hadn't told her about me AT ALL, the fact that we were living together at the time, etc. She did some snooping and found my LiveJournal and got mad at him for lying. Bastard had the nerve to get mad at me and blame me for her dumping him because of my post. eyes2 He hadn't moved out yet because this had all just happened in the space of a week. If I'd been in my right mind, I'd have had all his stuff packed and out on the street, and the locks changed. But I was too nervewracked to do anything at that point. I let him hang out for several months before he finally GTFO.

Anyway, he basically demanded that I hide my Livejournal and anything I post on it from public view so the internet girl couldn't see it. What's funny, is that she "broke up" with him after finding out about me, and he had this huge, emotional meltdown and said that he wanted to commit suicide. So I was recovering from being dumped by this person who seemed not to care about my feelings at all, but still going on suicide watch, because I DID care about what happened to him. Now I realize it was all a big, emotional display to garner attention. I found out later that he told her that we had actually broken up before I wrote that entry, but that it took me that long to ACCEPT the break-up. So he tried to make me look stupid and psycho, to cover his ass and win back this girl's favor. She "took him back," although I don't think you could call it a real relationship as she had no intention of taking things into real life.

I know people meet online these days and take it into real life. The thing is, at some point you give the person some physical contact info and arrange a meeting in person somewhere to see if you hit it off in person as well. Also, most people talk on the phone, voice chat, or video chat at some point before meeting up. She steadfast refused to give any contact information, and refused to meet in person. What sucked about that is that he gave her the phone number to the house, and if I was on the phone too long, he'd get on my case and hiss at me that I shouldn't stay on the line in case she called. eyes2 She never had any intention to take the "relationship" into real life, and that was completely obvious. He also wanted to go to her city and rent a hotel and wait for her to come meet him at the hotel, even though she said if he did such a thing, she wouldn't come meet him. eyes2 So he'd be willing to waste airfare and a hotel room for the mere, little chance that she might change her mind and come see him.

So my ex's affair was laughable, because it had no sign of ever turning into any kind of real thing. He told all his friends about their grand plans, before those plans had ever been made, and when people asked him, innocently, about it later, i.e., "So when are you going to go visit that girl?" he'd get all shitty and defensive and say that it didn't work out. It was a roller coaster. At one point, she told him that she had to go to Corsica to take care of her mom's estate there (which I think sounded just too far-fetched to be true), and so he immediately started making the plans in his head to go there and stay with her. He had no money and didn't even do the research as far as how to get a visa or anything like that. He ASSumed that she would have enough money to fly him out and support him out there. larious She did no such thing, and after he'd talked up a bunch of people about how he was GOING TO FRANCE to live with her while she took care of family business there, he of course was NOT going, and when people asked about it, he got shitty with them. What a winner!

My mentality about it after it more or less ended and she stopped the game (which I'm sure that's all it was to her), was kind of like Ruth's character in She-Devil. This girl was a novelty, and once it wore off, I'd still be here and he'd realize how good he had it with me. In truth, he didn't see the good in me at all. I was just kept on the back-burner as his care-taker in case things didn't work out with the girls he actually wanted. He was always really highly critical of me looking back, even though I had it way more together in my life than he ever did. I'm a good catch, actually, on all levels. To the bastard, I was still never good enough, no matter what. And it took me years to realize that it wasn't ME, it was HIM who was the problem. That NORMAL people don't act like him...

OK, maybe now I'm done.

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bell_flower
ETA, based on some things cosmictraveler wrote, about men who cry easily. This dude could cry at the drop of a hat. It has not been my experience that men who cry easily are "sensitive" and "in touch with their feelings," or maybe they are--in touch with THEIR OWN FEELINGS. Every crying man with whom I've been involved has been a selfish, manipulative bastard.

I was in couple of relationships in my early-mid 20s with guys who did this too. It used to make me feel guilty, so it was an effective manipulation method that worked on me. I felt really dumb about it in retrospect until I was 31 and about to have my tubal. I had leaked to my SIL about it, and she told my mom. Well, the day before the surgery mom calls me and starts asking me about what I'm getting done, who is the doctor who is going to do it (like she's going to go over and threaten him or something eyes2), etc. Then when I flat out said, "I'm getting my tubes tied!", she started with this sort of fake crying. "BUH HUH HUH..BUH HUH HUH" That's when a huge light bulb went off in my brain. This manipulative fake crying crap went back to my childhood, when my parents were divorcing and they would BOTH do this in front of me and my brother. I saw my niece do this a few years later, and I wondered if this is some manipulation trait that gets passed down. So yeah, guys (and ladies) who cry when they don't get their way are absolutely trying to be manipulative. I just wish I'd had that light bulb moment about a decade earlier.

While I don't believe that horse shit about how men aren't allowed to cry, I do think a chronic crier is someone who is either off their rocker or trying to be manipulative. My ex didn't cry....a lot, but he did let loose tears when shit didn't go his way. Like when I hated his guts and he'd sit there going, "I love you" over and over, trying to get me to respond. Eventually I'd just go, "I love you too" with absolutely no emotion behind my words, not looking at him at all. He would go back to normal - it was painfully obvious I didn't mean what I said, but he just needed to hear it and it didn't matter if I meant it, I guess.

He also sobbed when I officially broke up with him, begging me not to go and telling me that he went and contacted all his friends and apologized for anything he ever did to upset them. I don't know if that was true and I also don't know what the point of it was.

Crying is definitely a good way to manipulate someone. My mother does it all the time. When I had a nervous breakdown about going to grad school, my mother was sobbing and saying things like, "You know I love you, I want what's best for you, a master's degree is for your own good" and then would bitch that no one appreciates her, she should kill herself to teach us all a lesson, etc. Because I dared be upset over her making me do shit. Yeah, because when I'm having such a bad panic attack that I can't walk or see straight or bend my fingers, the best thing to do is force me into totally unnecessary, life-changing situations.

I've also had a male friend use similar techniques for the sake of attention. While he didn't cry, he would get sad at the drop of a hat because no matter what the conversation was about, something would eventually make him depressed. The reasoning was always either, "That brought back bad memories from high school" or "That reminded me of my dead girlfriend." It could be the most random, obscure stupid shit too. But I firmly believe this guy also made up a lot of lies in order to garner sympathy, like telling me about his cousin dying or how he got stabbed in the arm (which was fully healed and left no trace of a scar one week after the attack) or his sister was raped. Every other day, something happened. One of the few friendships I ended because it was just too exhausting to be this idiot's friend and listen to the lies/drama; he also would call a mutual friend and whine to him, and ended up costing said mutual friend a big phone bill as his bitchy crybaby calls ran Mutual Friend several hundred minutes over his monthly limit.

Some interesting (albeit depressing) stories here. I'm glad to see people wise up and move on anyway.

I am reminded of - oh, I can't think of titles! A few books I read about "manipulative people". If my brain starts working I'll note them on here.

Looks like most here have 'figured it out' though.

I think people learn it from their parents, esp. Moos. Either directly or indirectly (manipulation worked on Moo.)

Be sure to watch out for this in other areas of life. Certain types of sales people use emotional manipulation. The lower level sleazy kind, you don't see it too much in b2b sales, sales to the public - yes. Esp. things like used cars, furniture, antiques, non profits (esp. anything "For The Children"), and of course politicians.

Once you begin to spot it - you'll start seeing it everywhere. Be careful. Never believe anything anyone tells you if there are not hard facts to back it up. That sales person does NOT have to "speak to a manager", he/she is NOT going to lose their job, and NO there is NOT another customer coming back later to swoop up the item you're looking at. Don't fall for it.

I have had formal sales training, I know all their tricks. I often say to others - don't try to BS a BSer

Reading about sales techniques (I'm sure you can find this online even) - can help you more than you think with many personal relationships. Emotional Manipulators use many of the shadier tactics.

I'm reminded of this guy I almost went out with, I am glad I didn't. The more I talked to the guy - something was just hinky. ALL he talked about was how much $ he had. OK people who *do have* money - tend not to talk about it. Or, do not make a big deal of it. This guy did. Everything was his job, his money, his possessions. And he NEVER shut up. The ONLY time he asked me a question and shut up long enough for an answer was to ask me how much I thought my property was worth. RED FLAG.

I decided that what this guy *really was* - was likely flat broke or strapped for cash - and he was either trolling for $ or a flat out scam artist. The guy was an Environmental Engineer, + MBA, and owned 1 house, said he was shopping for another. Uh huh. You ain't "wealthy" chump. Don't try to BS a BSer. From his education, work, and property location - I could guess that this guy was about in the same boat as me / middle class - *at best*. He very well might've been flat broke.

It was the fixation on money, the constant boasting talk of it - which did not add up, his terrible diarrhea of the mouth (too bad this didn't produce coins as from a slot machine because then he *would've been* "wealthy"), and the fact that the only thing he seemed interested in as far as me was - how much money *I* had.

Something was wrong here. I stopped speaking to the guy. I forget where I even met him. Some biz function, probably. It was so weird how this guy was so fixated on money, and was seemingly trying to entice me with money. Something was up.

Oh and get this - I just remembered a hot one - he only worked at this 'seminar conducting' job, whatever it was, because *he had been fired* from his former job for *sexual harassment*. Which he claimed was a trumped up excuse to get rid of him. Uh huh. So then he's talking about getting the MBA and / or work, whatever, and griping about it, and then he says - Oh, well. I did want a challenge. eyes2

Uh, no fool - you got fired from your job and had to scramble to get something else going.

If he was smart - he would have *completely omitted* the sexual harassment job loss.

Again. Do not attempt to BS a BSer.

One good thing that has always worked for me is - don't say too much. Listen. Be vague. You don't have to act stupid, but don't show your intelligence that much either. As example - Construction guys and Mechanics won't try to put one over on me because they know I studied Engineering. If they did not know this though - they might - assuming I do not understand. That's one of the reasons why I slip it into conversations - the message is - I know just as much as you, so don't try to screw me.

Sometimes, often actually, I keep my mouth shut and just listen. Size the person up. See what they may try to get over on me. It is possible to really rook someone who assumes *you* are stupid - they thus assume you're not smart enough to have ulterior motives.

The biz arena is full of all this type of shit. It's a huge fucking soap opera. I could do without most of it. Beware of biz people and attorneys. Many of these people are all about playing games. It is fun to catch them in their lies though LOL watch them squirm and try to back peddle or even try to blame you - yeah they'll sometimes even fall back to very low level tactics when confronted. HA HA HA. How ridiculous. If I didn't fall for complex BS, you think I'll fall for the BS BS??? Come on now. They may even resort to emotional manipulation. You would not believe HOW MANY grown men - EXECUTIVE types - I've seen throw temper tantrums just like a little kid. Back them into a corner and they will. Or, they'll resort to - oh but I already promised, oh but I have kids to support, I already spent that money - I thought it was a done deal. I have kids! My wife will kill me!

I'll send a funeral arrangement and a sympathy card. Don't BS the BSer. And I don't give a fuck about your kids.

Hardass? Who, me?

I know it is just me being sexist, but once I see a guy cry over a girl, it totally turns me off. Now, a guy can cry because his pet died, or because he is in severe pain, or when he loses a friend/relative. But crying over a woman? Pussy.

Some really :goggle stories going on up in here.

Yikes.

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gymrat
I know it is just me being sexist, but once I see a guy cry over a girl, it totally turns me off. Now, a guy can cry because his pet died, or because he is in severe pain, or when he loses a friend/relative. But crying over a woman? Pussy.

I think the same of women who cry over men.

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"Be yourself, no matter what. Some will adore you, and some will hate everything about you, but who cares?

It's your life. Make the most out of it."

I apologize for the thread necro. I meant to put a reply up when this was first posted but life has a way of getting in the way, yanno? I happened to remember it and have a few free minutes, so ladies and gentlemen, I give you...my ex.

I met this dude through a coworker when I was 19 going on 20. He had two Harley Davidson motorcycles and was working at a product test lab at an electronics company. Seemed impressive, had done a stint in the Navy and had some college credits under his belt so he clearly was not an idiot. He shared a split-level house with three other dudes, which I thought made sense at the time. When you're young and 23/24 years old, saving money and just getting by is the order of the day...

Well, we started dating and at 19 I apparently did not know shit about myself or much of anything else. He told me he loved me within three weeks of meeting me (RED FLAG), and rather than being happy about it, I freaked out because I assumed this meant I had to be in a relationship. He manipulated me, really. I didn't think I was ready to commit (my guy friends at this time were also coworkers of mine and one of them was a guy I had dated and who really sparked my chemistry fire - so I had been dating some very good looking college grad types, and my ex is significantly overweight, hates himself because of it), but I was told hey, I can go date other guys but he wouldn't wait for me. If I wanted to be with him, I had to choose to do so now. So I did. If someone asked me WHY, I would not really be able to tell you, other than he was different because he wanted to commit to me, unlike my other beaux. I thought he seemed like a really good dude, and stable, and that I would be missing out if I didn't.

He then told me that he dropped out of ROTC with a suicidal breakdown and the school doctors put him on Lithium and Zoloft. I should have run like my heels were on fire and my ass was catching. Instead, I just chose not to judge, since my mom had been on Prozac so I didn't think it was a big deal. He went off said meds about the same time we started dating. Lovely, eh?

Well, things started going well and I think our relationship was, overall, enjoyable and healthy (we actually had lots of fun dates and laughed a lot together. Back then he was actually fun, I was impressed with him and thought him smart and clever, I HATED the sex) punctuated by a few concerning incidents including one attempt at throwing a washing machine, and arguments over politics and religion - I was nonreligious and liberal and he was the opposite, a position I wasn't even familiar with, let alone versed in well enough to discuss effectively. I moved in with him after 4 months or so mostly to get away from my family, and after losing all of our arguments about God, guns, and gays (again, I should have run, homophobes are fucking assholes, y'all), and being immersed in conservative Christianity type stuff, I got "saved." We were baptized and then married in a sweet little church down the block. (Don't even ask me about the weirdness and guilt about how we lived *mostly* celibate for over a year before the wedding and the sick emotional and religious bullshit that accompanied our few moments of weakness. GUH. I feel like puking. I was happy we went celibate, although I didn't have a plan for when the marriage happened and I would be expected to put out again...young and dumb, right?)

As an aside, this church was never "conservative" enough for my ex, as the music wasn't old-timey enough and they used the "wrong" Bible version. Personally I look back very fondly at this church, as they were nothing but loving to me and the pastor was one of the sweetest, most adorable people pretty much ever. If that tells you anything about what my ex was looking for.

Well, we moved to another state (they isolate you by taking you away from your family and friends, and they do this by showing you that it's a great idea, and I was too stupid to work on making new friends like I should have, but I didn't know I needed to do this; I thought all I needed was him) and were unchurched for awahile, visited a few places and found nothing we both liked although he tried to rope me into committing to a large IFB Baptist church up the hill and I refused. They were not friendly, and everyone was in dresses and suits. I had no intention of returning to that place.

We moved to a town about 20 miles south (bought a house), and then my mom died. I felt moved to go back to church and chose a Messianic group that I very much enjoyed. My ex, however, made us quit because of the music and that he didn't like the sermons despite the fact that these people were incredibly sweet. It was a very loving group of people.

We ended up going back to the big cold IFB church at ex's insistence. I had no say. The churches I chose were not good enough. We became deeply immersed in the big church, took "membership" classes and other "Bible college" courses taught by the assistant pastor. We "made friends" attended potlucks, and I was railroaded into volunteering in the nursery, which I hated (and my ex knew I hated it, he was happy to see me do it because he thought I'd become more babby-oriented. What a dumbass). Note that by now we no longer really dated each other and our major outings consisted of Friday night excusions to Costco. Most of his time was spent in front of his computer. Sex was about once a month or so and I hated hated hated it.

Then there was a church split, and the "intellectual" assistant pastor took a position at a church in a town about 40 miles away, so we moved with him (at this point my ex was rather enamored of the guy and considered him a "mentor," gag me) and went to this new church, a smaller, poorer church populated with dumpy breeders and Quiverfullers. It was the beginning of the end. We went there for...about three years. I fucking snapped in so many ways. (PM me if you want the church website complete with sermons, so you can see what I was dealing with.)

I had women asking me when I was going to have kids, telling me I looked great with a baybee, and oh by the way here's a book that is about wifely submission, and I am sure you'd enjoy it! It wasn't enough for me to watch their stinky, screaming crotchdumps during services, I had to shit them out too. Meanwhile I was bored to tears and considered leaving my ex and I told him so to his face. Our personal relationship had stagnated like the old pieces of electronic equipment he stored in the garage, ignored. Did he respond? NO. A few months prior we bought this giant RV (33 feet, folks, I shit you not, he HAD TO FUCKING HAVE IT like so many other things we didn't fucking need, and we refinanced the house to get it which makes me LOL now because he got an ARM on that house that has now adjusted to over 8%, will top out at 11%, and the courts ruled that he has to pay all the expenses related to that house, it's all fucking his unless he gets a new loan!) just so we could hang out at the church between services on Sunday and not have to drive, and we had a place to sleep and cook in the afternoons. Seemed logical except by then I just wanted to run the fuck away, dye my hair pink (which I did during the divorce and he HATED it) and join a rock band or something. I couldn't take the atmosphere anymore, the guilt trips, the bullshit teachings on music, drinking, clothing, women, what people were supposed to be doing with their lives (breeding more soldiers for the Lawrd) - I had had enough. I was so depressed I thought about killing myself about half of the day every day. The other half I had the welcome distractions of school and work, things that the church actually frowned on for those who were born with a pussy.

During all this, my ex took every opportunity to RUDELY bingo me about having brats and my hitherto unrecognized inner CFdom responded with both barrels. By now I was smarter than he was and was winning all of our arguments, which he hated. He never respected me and I eventually lost respect for him. I thank my affair for my final exit. My ex found out that I had a dalliance with a coworker who was posted in another state and his anger led to blatant abuse - the kind that I refused to sit around and take. This coworker, who was KIND to me and actually wanted to talk WITH me, not AT me, pointed things out to me, it was like he held up this giant mirror so I could SEE how bad it was. I could SEE how shitty my life had become. I could SEE that my ex was a complete fucking assbag. His emotional abuse, which was there from the get go (breaking my things, "forgetting" plans, being completely fucking controlling about every little thing, abusing my cat, his computer addiction, his refusal to compromise on anything, his misuse of our money, etc etc etc, shit that I never SAW for what it was) ramped up to level 100. Before, he gaslighted me, almost ran me over with the car, and put quad shot lattes in my coffee cup every morning and I almost had a goddamned heart attack, and my gastroenterologist put me on Xanax because of it. Our church "friends" contributed to the spiritual abuse. Alone in the world does not begin to cover it. ANGRY does not begin to cover it. And it's funny because I didn't really SEE how angry and depressed I was. After the affair he just outright took to calling me names to my face. Sort of like he had been holding back and I gave him carte blanche to treat me the way he always really secretly wanted to.

I left in '07 - lost a bunch of money and personal belongings (stuff that had meaning, of course, and he refused to let me take when I brought my truck to pick up my furniture,) but, motherfuckers, I AM FREE!!!!! It was so fucking worth it!!! The day I finally gathered up the cardboard boxes, and started packing them, and when my BFF came over with her Blazer and loaded up my necessities and took me to my new digs, was better than the day four months prior when I quit the church (oh, the phone call and letter I received from the pastor deserve their own post).

***

Today I am wearing a enormous diamond on my left hand, and am about to marry the most amazing man that ever walked the earth. I know what dysfunctional looks like. A more balanced, healthy, and loving person I could not hope to meet. We've both worked to make this work, and I know the value of what I have.

My ex is still a dumb fucking fundy but I am also fairly sure he still doesn't have any kyds and he just turned 40 last month and is remarried to a dumb fucking fundy chick. Dunno where he found her. I LOL at her FB posts about the "sanctity of marriage."

Sorry for the length. There's a lot I left out, and the reason we stay so long is because it isn't all bad all the time, yanno? There were good times too. He's not an evil bastard. He's not Satan. He's just a stupid dick who labors under the false impression that he's smarter than he is and has major self-loathing and control issues. I signed over my paychecks to him, and any settlements and monetary gifts, in exchange for having to answer for spending $60 at the mall. He resented me because I'm at least as smart and talented, if not moreso, than he is, was. Kinda made his plans to use the Bible to force me into second class citizenship destined for failure.

I learned a lot. I am a stronger, smarter person today. Maybe bitchier too but I am MORE than okay with that.

to everyone who has been through this shit.

Thanks so much for sharing your story, Law! So glad you escaped from a bad marriage with a fundy dickbag. Now you're in a loving relationship and about to be married to a really sweet guy. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!

Gah...I also have an idiot ex to bitch about. He's 11 years my junior, and he's a coward. I met him at school, and we dated for almost two years. He's a spoiled brat whose parents paid for both of his degrees, neither of which he's using at the moment. One is a Graphic Design degree, the other Creative Writing. After he got the first degree, he went to work at Kinkos. Once he found out he was about to get fired, he begged his folks to fund his second degree, which they stupidly did.

I met him while he was working on the writing degree; he started off sweet (don't they all?), and the spoiled brat side came out later on. I found out that he's worked a few summer jobs and put aside some money. However, in spite of him having his own stash of cash, his parents paid not only his tuition, room and board (he was living in the dorms) and meal plan...they also sent him an allowance every month! Fuck, I would sometimes kill to have that support.

On top of that, he didn't bother learning how to cook or wash dishes by hand. If it weren't for the dining hall and my hooking him up with home cooking, he would've been fucked. He also got a $500 camera which he hardly used...a Nintendo DS, and an iPhone on a family plan. Here I was, my first year, struggling my ass off, and I couldn't even afford a phone.

I tried to get him to help me cook, but no dice. I've gone to visit him at his parents' house a few times, and I found out his mom never required him to learn anything about cooking or doing dishes. His mom always cooked, and his dad always did the dishes (of course, they have a dishwasher).

His parents were always nice to me, but I think they fucked up somewhere. Another example of this was one time at a Barnes and Noble. He wanted to buy a $60 RPG book, but his card wasn't working. I offered to get for him and he'd get me back, but he declined. When we got back to the house, he asked his mom to look up his account balance. (His mom works at a bank, and got him the account.) He has online banking, and could do this himself, but he told me later that he was too lazy. She ended up transferring money for him, while his dad read him the riot act about buying shit and not having a job.

Ah, yes...his 'job search' period. After he graduated, he went back home to his parents. He was expecting to land a writing job almost right away...heh, someone's living in a fantasy world. During one of our Facebook chats, he was complaining that his mom knew the owner of the local Subway, and that the job was his if he wanted it. I advised him to take it, since he would need to save some money to move out of his parents' house. He ended up having a fit about being trapped there forever. I told him he could search for his dream job while working at Subway. That wasn't good enough for him. He also felt that because he holds two degrees, places like Subway were 'beneath him', although he ate there all the time.

After months of nothing panning out, his dad suggested either Peace Corps or AmeriCorps. My ex decided to give volunteer work a try, since nothing else seemed to turn up for him. (I also think his parents were finally getting fed up with him being in the house.) So, he joins AmeriCorps, and he finds out he'll be leaving in a few months. I was torn up about him leaving, but I wasn't going to stop him. He wasn't sure if we could stay in touch, since he would be busy. I asked him if we should just break up, but he said no.

Once he left for AmeriCorps, things were depressing. We tried staying in touch, but it was tough. However, I found out that they did have free time in the evenings, but he made it sound like he was going 24/7. I caught him in his lies by checking out other FB pages of the people in his unit. I confronted him, but he was too much of a coward to come clean. I did get a series of text messages from him later, saying that he never loved me, and that our relationship was a mistake. All I said was thanks for leading me on asshole, and enjoy living with your parents for the rest of your fucking life.

I was very depressed for a long time, but I did eventually get over it. I was very happy that he and I didn't move in together...with his childish mentality, I would have gone off the deep end dealing with his bullshit.

Oh...and when he left for AmeriCorps, I assumed he managed to drive there by himself. It turns out that his dad drove him there, and his dad flew back. If that isn't pathetic, I don't know what is. I now wish the douchenozzle would have joined the Peace Corps.

If I should ever end up with a younger guy again, I will make damned sure he has his own car AND his own place.

_________________________________________________________

Why live in a fishbowl, when you could be swimming in the ocean?

"She, and all other rabid breeders, are like crabs in a bucket headed to Red Lobster. When they see a smarter crab escaping, they try to pull it back in." - Miss Hannigan

"Yeah, that's what family is about - guilt tripping people into cleaning up someone else's mess." - mrs. chinaski

(Shameless blog promotion: http://popcornculturejunkie.wordpress.com/)

(Cornucopia of visual rantage: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCD78oSD27mzAlVzsB0q2ibA)

Quote
cosmictraveler
Thanks so much for sharing your story, Law! So glad you escaped from a bad marriage with a fundy dickbag. Now you're in a loving relationship and about to be married to a really sweet guy. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!

I second this! wink

_________________________________________________________

Why live in a fishbowl, when you could be swimming in the ocean?

"She, and all other rabid breeders, are like crabs in a bucket headed to Red Lobster. When they see a smarter crab escaping, they try to pull it back in." - Miss Hannigan

"Yeah, that's what family is about - guilt tripping people into cleaning up someone else's mess." - mrs. chinaski

(Shameless blog promotion: http://popcornculturejunkie.wordpress.com/)

(Cornucopia of visual rantage: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCD78oSD27mzAlVzsB0q2ibA)

More to the idiot ex story: He has a younger brother...who I've never met. My ex claims that his brother's spoiled rotten; his tuition is also paid for by their parents. The brother has also studied abroad (he's studying Norwegian), and now has his own place...but he's spoiled...right. At least their daddy doesn't drive him everywhere.

_________________________________________________________

Why live in a fishbowl, when you could be swimming in the ocean?

"She, and all other rabid breeders, are like crabs in a bucket headed to Red Lobster. When they see a smarter crab escaping, they try to pull it back in." - Miss Hannigan

"Yeah, that's what family is about - guilt tripping people into cleaning up someone else's mess." - mrs. chinaski

(Shameless blog promotion: http://popcornculturejunkie.wordpress.com/)

(Cornucopia of visual rantage: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCD78oSD27mzAlVzsB0q2ibA)

Wow, Popcorn, your ex sounds like a real piece of work! down What an assclown! Good thing you got away when you did - dodged a bullet, and he would have been HELL to live with! Sounds like an overgrown :

Quote
cosmictraveler
Wow, Popcorn, your ex sounds like a real piece of work! down What an assclown! Good thing you got away when you did - dodged a bullet, and he would have been HELL to live with! Sounds like an overgrown :

He really is. I mean, I find it quite pathetic for a kidult (he's not a man to me) in his mid-twenties to have his daddy drive him places and his mommy cook, clean, and handle his money for him. eyes2 He also thinks he's the best writer since sliced bread; he's posted his fiction on his blog, and the only person commenting is Mommy Dearest! :gross

_________________________________________________________

Why live in a fishbowl, when you could be swimming in the ocean?

"She, and all other rabid breeders, are like crabs in a bucket headed to Red Lobster. When they see a smarter crab escaping, they try to pull it back in." - Miss Hannigan

"Yeah, that's what family is about - guilt tripping people into cleaning up someone else's mess." - mrs. chinaski

(Shameless blog promotion: http://popcornculturejunkie.wordpress.com/)

(Cornucopia of visual rantage: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCD78oSD27mzAlVzsB0q2ibA)

Reading these tales makes me think I had it pretty good in the 'romance' department.

My exH turned out to be a wanna breed, also wanted to turn me into a Stepford Wife, so yeah that didn't work out at all and I got divorced.

Outside of this, there was no heavy drama really. Other LTRs just kind of petered out / clash of personalities, and I had several other I suppose more 'casual' type boy friends.

I'm not a prude nor an adventuress (sex wise) but I have been with some pretty hot men rrrraaawwwwrrrr

I was thinking about this other guy too, yesterday I told my one friend that this construction guy was eyeballing me (this guy does work on my house from time to time, and in the general area, so I 'know-' the guy), and I'm beginning to think he's got the hots for me uh oh.

Yeah, he's not bad looking but he is elderly. 70. He is very tall and has that shaggy grey hair that I like so much. And he's built like an ox, he does still do physical work (he is the biz owner, mostly directs others, but he does do some physical work too.) Not a bad looking guy *at all*. But yeah, the guy is 70. And married. I try to avoid drama.

Never was much of a religious type (was shoved through Jewish Temple as a kid - as well as - Xtian Church - but both of these were very 'Progressive' and you heard more about Golf, the next Casino Night if anything. Not a whole lotta Holy Rollin.)

Law, that's some story there! Wow! I am glad to see that you have moved on! And I wish you much future happiness!!!
:beer

I am also reminded of, when I was late teens, and maybe thinking about the aforementioned guy and sim types, I wasn't in any Church, close to the opposite ha - shhhhh don't tell - I think my parents still don't know - I used to hang around at these bars by the docks. In the industrial areas. I was kind of a 'bad kid' there for awhile.

I tried to keep it low / within reason. But - Sailors! Pant pant pant rrrraaarrrr! LOL

Not the kind that were crewing on Yachts, either. One time I met this girl who crewed on a sail boat - HOLEE SHIT! Was she BUFF!!! And HUGE!

Anyway,some of these spots I and my friends would go to would be mostly frequented by commercial Sailors, Longshoremen, dock workers, refinery workers.

And some of these guys are literal GIANTS! HUGE muscular guys! I am rather tall myself, but in comparison - I felt like a dwarf!

I never encountered any problems. I remembered this too from the thread about ND and the influx of men to work the oil fields. In my example here, these men, they did not really scare me. Most of these jobs require more education than one might guess, esp. the refinery workers. Many others have been in the Military and / or trade school, college, etc. They do *look* rather rough though.

You would just sit around and have a few drinks. Dice and card games. Many of these places served (very good) food also and would also have waitresses, of the sort who describe themselves as "bar maids".

I remember sitting in this place, like a basement, you could see the water out of the windows and it appeared above you ~
I remember thinking - you guys are on boats all the time, why do you want to look at it more? LOL I remember sitting with some guy and playing Backgammon and he was telling me about some refinery ~

Yeah. Wild fun times LOL. Nice guys. Nice people. It was alot of fun

I scored some plant tours, barge and boat rides too Plenty of Yachts and speed boats too, these people make good money and they can afford such toys. (Geeky Me was always more interested in the strange and industrial ~ ) I've even been through much of the 'lock' systems around here. Which was very cool. (No, I didn't have to 'trade' anything for this ha ha. Get your mind out of the gutter And yes - these guys *do like to go on* about their jobs esp. to a gal who was studying Eng. oh hell yes! It was more of a Geek Fest in some ways ha ha. But yeah - the select few - sure we can have a 'date' date Rrrraaaarrrrr! Sailors! LOL.)

Yeah. Spent my late teens drinking in out of the way holes by the industrial ports. Yes, I had a tad bit of the 'Bad Kid' in me

No, I don't plan on 'doing' the Old Man Construction Boss. Shit, I'd give him a stroke! Too bad he's not 20 years younger and single.

I told my friend he was eyeing me, he thought it was funny. Yarg. Thanks for your 'sensitivity' ha ha ha. I sometimes worry that he's getting thoughts about me too. Latinos are another group that fall all over me. They're usually polite though. And this guy has a GF. Good. stay with her. (I do also find Latinos quite attractive myself. Must. Keep. Hands. OFF! ) (This guy anyway.)

I feel old and beat myself, I'm not that old (not yet 40), but I am run down from illness still. Somewhat (I am working on it) and I feel still a bit tired. Maybe I should go for a much older man and we can go into a rest home together lulz.