Despite my complaints about MyFitnessPal, I think it's working alright. I had to kind of train myself to not eat as much with a food journal, and after a couple weeks of doing so, I think I've fallen into a habit of eating less without needing to record everything every day. Also, I went back on the St. John's Wort I quit taking - a little nausea helps keep the appetite down. I don't know if it's helping with my mood at all, but it may at least help with keeping my eating habits in check. I'm doing things a bit differently, though.

I did find that if I set MFP to "I want to lose 2 pounds a week" that it lowered my calorie limit to something like 1430 calories a day. Basically I adhere to that as best I can Monday to Friday and then eat what the fuck ever I want on the weekend. No clue if I've lost any weight, and to be honest, a scale would not be reliable for me because my weight goes up and down a LOT (like by 5-20 pounds) for absolutely no reason. I intend to rely on how my pants fit for noticeable results.

I now weigh 121.6. Weird. It is like I am shedding weight as winter leaves.

``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
"I have found little that is 'good' about human beings on the whole. In my experience most of them are trash, no matter whether they publicly subscribe to this or that ethical doctrine or to none at all."
~Sigmund Freud

Yeah, I don't know how much I weigh either. I have been trying to keep up with this and I have lost weight. Because I went down two sizes and I feel more muscular. And also *extremely stiff and sore*.

I have been shoveling snow constantly - like every other day - this is a good workout. I even began shoveling some of my neighbor's areas - for the hell of it / help out / more exercise.
I have also been taking 'exercise walks'.

I am apx. 5.10 tall and 'medium' build I suppose, for lack of a better description. I think a good weight for me would be around 150. Maybe 160 if I were more muscular. I presently take a US size 8 - 10 clothes. Or "medium". Some 'large' because I am broad shouldered (no big boobs though, 36 B. Which is actually kind of loose now, yeah you know where you lose it first ~ )

I am concerned about muscles and being in shape because I am trying to get into construction work. Yeah, no kidding! Seriously. But it will be for my own projects - I'm pretty sure they don't let Uber Clods into their Unions. And I'd guess you might want to know what the difference is between a hammer and saw. Ha. I'll figure it out.

But - I will have to be in shape, too. Even if I get 'pros' (as I do now) for complex things - there is no reason why I can't haul garbage, tear up carpet, fetch tools, paint, etc. The Grunt Work. No reason I can't do that.

I like to do physical work, also.

My motivation is work. What a trooper! Once I incorporate this all - I'm giving myself the Employee of the Month award!

I was just going to say - I think my butt has improved. I think I gained some in the butt and with the recent exercise it has a good 'shape'. I try to make sure I have the correct posture while walking, this is important. I'd measure my hips but I'm too lazy (hey, I deserve a day off!) - and I don't have no measuring tape except one of those from IKEA.

Which made me think of something - why do they even give you those? Don't the products have their sizes listed in the description? I'm pretty sure they do. You need to measure your area at home to compare, and presumably you'd have already done that. And then can just read the dimensions listed. It doesn't make much sense, does it?

Good for you, Zzelda!

I hate physical exercise, which is why I keep watch of my calorie intake. Part of me knows that I need to exercise more, but my energy levels are way too low. Probably if I started exercising regularly, they would come up, and my weight would go down.

I wouldn't call myself a lazy person per se, but my job is very sedentary, and keeps me in the house in front of the computer all day. Thank Goddess I don't snack while I work! I would weigh 500 lbs by now!

I have a desk job and am sedentary also. I do try to get up and move, and have been trying to increase the exercise. I am still so stiff and sore, you'd think that would be lessening by now.

Gahd. I laid down on the bed earlier, not because I was tired but because my *bones hurt* and I was trying to 'straighten myself out'. Even my fingers *hurt*.

IMO there's something wrong with me. Arthritis or joints and tendons are degrading. I started taking (multi) vitamins and D3. Not noticing a big improvement. "It" *is* working if I lost weight and my butt feels more muscular.

The skeleton though - erg.

But, for such issues they say - more exercise. So exercise it is.

One thing that especially disturbs me - OK, if you feel around the back of your head, like back behind the ears, where the head meets the neck - there are small bones in the lower side of the head there, I know this because I can feel them snap and pop. Ooooog. I don't like that at all!

This mostly happens when I am in the car. I figure it's because I'm nearly 'lying down' (low sports car) so my neck / head are at a different angle. And, the thing itself will beat the hell out of you, beware the sports cars - sure they look sleek and luxurious and one might assume you get a luxury car ride with that. No, *the opposite*. Stiffer suspension and steering. It's more like driving a beat up old pick up truck. With no power steering. And you best *hang on* to that steering wheel. Most sports cars are like this. If you choose the manual trans you will be shifting at the same time. And a 'bump' for the Regulars is a BANG! in a sports car. Stiff suspension. You'd think the shock absorbers were broken. Nope, that's 'how they are'.

I spent 40 thousand bucks to take a beating like this? Shop carefully.
No, I didn't - I got mine used - because I'm very familiar with these puppies and while I might be a glutton for punishment - I do like to pay less for my beatings!

Wait - I think my car is abusing me! Thanks, Obama!

Who do I call about this? Is there a rescue org for me?

Fucking Hitler Benz! Mein Gott in Himmel! LOL, no - I knew what I was in for. I must be a glutton for punishment.

Just a PSA for any Spring car shoppers out there. Make sure you get the most quality bodily abuse for your money, ha.

Oh, and if I move or wind up doing moar construction work - the only other vehicle it would make sense to buy is - a beat up old pick up truck. :eyebrows

Zzelda, have you ever tried acupuncture for your pain? I've become sort of an acupuncture evangelist since I started having weekly sessions last year. I suffer from upper back pain from my sedentary job, and more recently, a sharp pain in my wrist. Acupuncture has helped me tremendously, when regular massages were only a short-term cure, and I hesitate to take any pain meds.

Anyway, I'm gonna jump in here too - I've been using Fitbit to track my food/beverage intake and calorie expenditure. I'm about 5' 6" and 140 lb - considered "normal" weight - but I am flabby and I can't stand it. I've always been this way, just lots of flabbiness especially on my butt and upper thighs, and I have a pudgy face. Only when my weight is down to about 125 is when I don't feel like I'm carrying the extra flab, but last time I was at that weight it was because I was super stressed out and not really eating.

I just started the Couch to 5K program. I like it so far. I started running last year because it was something that I'd never been able to do well, and I'm stubborn like that. Then I moved, wasn't going to the gym anymore and got lazy. My goal is to run a 5K by the end of summer. I've also started doing resistance training videos on You Tube - there are some great beginner workouts on there.

I know I posted to this thread earlier... I went the wrong way on the scale! We finished the downstairs and moved down there, and so I haven't been using the bathroom upstairs the scale was in. Apparently it helped me keep a closer eye on things than I thought.
And some crazy chocolate cravings have been troubling me, well rather I was enjoying them immensely with Trader Joe's pound chocolate bars. MMMmmm...

Suddenly I noticed I had to get out my fat pants, and I was just pissed at myself. Got that scale into the downstairs where I am likely to use it! Dammit, +6lbs! Hopefully it's back to only 5 by now, it's been a few days and I've been being more careful with the chocolate.

So glad it's getting spring like around here, I can get outside and do stuff! The remodel was a pretty good calorie burner, apparently, and now that that's done, sitting on my ass is massively attractive. And there's that chocolate bar...
I want to lose 8 total by May 9th, since my skinny sister will be visiting. She's had four kids and apparently is run ragged by them, she's always tiny unless she's about to pop. Blech!
Doable goal! Yes, even 5 would be great.

I have a lot of joint problems myself, mainly in the arms and shoulders. Probably because I've been a violinist/violist since I was nine, and that's 38 years now. Most string players will get physical problems sooner or later, it's just an occupational hazard. The weather this winter hasn't helped much. I'm 5'5" and hovering around 115. Stomach polyps and IBS are NOT good ways to drop weight. More important to feel good at whatever your weight, and I'd like to put some back on.

Did I get lost and post on the wrong thread? No, still the weight loss motivation thread... Jesus fuck, I'll remember to list all the health problems that cause me to gain weight next time. eyes2
I'm sure somebody could start a weight gain motivation thread if the goal wasn't to take a virtual shit on the internet.

Quote
Presto
Did I get lost and post on the wrong thread? No, still the weight loss motivation thread... Jesus fuck, I'll remember to list all the health problems that cause me to gain weight next time. eyes2
I'm sure somebody could start a weight gain motivation thread if the goal wasn't to take a virtual shit on the internet.

Jeebus, forgive me already! Not trying to piss on the thread, ferchrissakes! It's just that we're all programmed differently weight wise. (Bows out)

Fellow fat ass here. :hello

So, due to stress, binge eating, and now a new sedentary job, I have gained weight. My fucking jeans that I bought that were intended to be my new fat jeans (size 16) are now strangling my waist.

I love the sedentary job because standing up on my feet the whole fucking day was killing my spine, to the point of wishing to be dead every time I worked.

I am wanting to try the intuitive eating, and I am putting healthier food into my diet. I will occasionally stray, but if I don't, I become obsessed with "bad" food, and binge crazy. My binges are so bad, sometimes I feel ill and eat more. The last time I was doing this was during college when I was going through a horrible depression, and now the stress occasionally gets to me. I do not want to sound like our beloved Island Yeti, but it is the truth.

I've been better this week. I've been replacing my daily soda habit with sparkling water and tea. I tried some Coke today, but it felt too sweet and I felt so bloated. I am going to try intuitive eating, and hopefully lose some of the poundage.

I do not mind being chubby, but I do prefer a smaller size. The last time I tried intuitive eating, I wasn't working out, and I ended up weighing 140 lbs.I estimate that now I weigh around 175- 180 lbs. I am 5'1, so this is a lot for me and it is starting to make me feel uncomfortable. I also hate having to buy new clothes. I hate clothes shopping! I'd rather shop for fun stuff, like shoes or technology.

Well, I had an Easter binge on chips, chocolate and ice cream. My bad. I've been so good up until now! I almost forgot how damned good junk food actually tasted. Back on the wagon starting today.

I'm not entirely unhappy with my body, except my thighs. They are quite plump compared to the rest of me...which I really hate. I feel all out-of-proportion in a way, and I love wearing my skinny jeans, except that I feel they emphasize my thighs.

My friends think I'm exaggerating how I feel, but really, I'm very self-conscious about them. Even when I was at my skinniest, my thighs were disproportionately larger than the rest of me. I wish I could get them to be smaller, especially around the knee area.

I know that everyone has something about themselves that they would want to change. Mine happens to be my thighs...sigh.

Another HEALTH related issue, HA.

No, not really, because it isn't funny (and in fact has made me fuming mad! ) - but I feel I ought to say something because it may help others.

How I stumbled upon this ~

I get up pretty early and have coffee. Not too much, a couple cups. Then I have water. Then maybe some juice. In the afternoon, say around 2, I switch to Diet Pepsi. Which I have *always drank*.

Lately I have not been feeling well. Stomach issues. I thought I had 'picked up a bug'. I did feel generally sick and had some sinus issues too. That went away. The stomach issues did not.

I'm thinking - what, in the FUCK, is WRONG with me? Am I seriously ill? Do I have a kink in my intestines or something? WTF?

On a whim I thought I'd Google "Diet Pepsi and Stomach Pain". BINGO!

Long story short - apx. a year ago they started adding Acesulfame Potassium.

Possible side effects include -

Gastro Intestingal inflammation and swelling
Sweating
Nausea
Diarrhea
Vomiting
Low blood sugar

THIS is what's doing it!!!

What I was feeling was - mildly barfy and every day right around 3, 4 - I get *tired*. Low blood sugar? I have had essentially ALL of these side effects off and on.

It *has to be* this shit! I have not changed my diet in any way / no big changes besides trying to eat healthier. However - THIS SHIT is new - and these fuckers added it in and said NOTHING about it!!!

Yeah, I know, "read the label". But - why would you if you've been drinking the stuff for YEARS? There was nothing to alert the consumer that *anything* had changed. No "new and improved" sticker, nothing. No "now with ___" - nothing.

And here I am worried that I'm *dying*, have diverticulitis or some other serious issue - and all along - it was probably THIS SHIT.

I feel other people should know about this! I'm sure plenty of people are like me and are wondering - what the hell is wrong with me???

Also - this stuff is in plenty of other foods now, too. Gums, candies, all sorts of stuff. Be on the look out! Especially if you have a chem sensitive system.

More info -
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acesulfame_potassium

http://nypost.com/2012/12/17/diet-pepsi-adds-new-fake-sweetener-to-formula/

http://www.livestrong.com/article/489713-stomach-pain-in-reaction-to-acesulfame-potassium/

From the last link -

Quote

Warning
If you're allergic to this substance, you may develop a systemic reaction that could lead to death.

DEATH.



How in Christ's name was this allowed? Could cause DEATH? And they just snuck it in? No info on the labels of the change, nothing? And it's in over four thousand other products???

Why isn't there any type of warnings???

Well, I'm warning you. It's the least I can do.

I KNEW something was wrong! It has to be this stuff.

NO WONDER I wasn't feeling well!!!

I don't want anyone else to get sick. I felt I had to say something about this.

I'm drinking beer right now - can you guess WHY?

Quote
Zzelda

I get up pretty early and have coffee. Not too much, a couple cups. Then I have water. Then maybe some juice. In the afternoon, say around 2, I switch to Diet Pepsi. Which I have *always drank*.

This reminds me, the first time I had Diet Coke, which was quite recently, I developed instant nausea. I've tried Coke Zero, Pepsi Max, and the regular sodas. I have always loved soda. This Diet Coke, though, that made me want to puke real bad as soon as I drank it. I had to pour the rest down the sink.

I don't know if the Diet Coke sweetener just doesn't mix well with my system, but I'm going to avoid Diet Coke or Pepsi. I just found it odd that the "Zero" or "Max" stuff is ok.

I can't tolerate artificial sweeteners. I get a bad headache from diet sodas, so I must avoid them. However I do like the zero calorie Blue Sky sodas that are sweetened with Truvia. It's still a processed sweetener (from stevia) but it doesn't bother me. Their ginger soda is OMG the bomb!

Recently, I have been able to adapt to doing yoga and aerobics most mornings.

Bad health and injuries often interfere, but I can see steady progress every day that I am able to do these activities.

My weight has not changed with about 4 weeks of healthy eating and exercise efforts, but I can see improvements in my body shape and ability levels in exercise, and regular life.

For the accountability, down two lbs. Two more in two weeks would be awesome. Come on, me! You can do it!
For exercise we have put in a garden, and also bought around twenty rhododendron and azalea shrubs. At first we were mixing up good dirt by hand, but after two days of that we hated it. So now we found a place with good compost that is free if we load it ourselves. Shoveling it into the truck is still a great workout, but much easier on the back than repeatedly raking over piles of amendments to mix it up at home. Mmm, arm muscles!
The plants are all terribly rootbound, which made them a steal for the price, but success with them is doubtful unless they are treated right. They have to be taken out of the pot and then jet sprayed to death with a hose until the roots are a lot more free. Some of them are so bad they need the rootball sliced in a few places.
Then they need to be in peat moss for a while until the rootball sends out new feelers.
We put in a hedge of rhodies two years ago and did not know this about the rootballs, so some of them look a bit sad. None of them are straight up dying, and they all perked up with a good fertilizing.
So this year we are putting in the matching hedge on the other side of the driveway.
It will be interesting to see which side does better in the long run.

I've lost 6lbs. since I've started seriously attempting to lose weight. I used to use the Tap & Track app, but it's outdated and there haven't been any updates in quite a while, so I switched to MyFitnessPal. I like it so far and it's given me a 1530 calorie allotment, which is around what I was planning anyway. I lost a lot of weight via calorie counting before, so I'm just going with that method again. I'm not spending money on Weight Watchers and having to do mandatory meetings.

I finally stopped making excuses for not exercising (my latest one was the chest cold I developed after the last time I exercised) and started walking/jogging again. I overdid it on the food front yesterday so I went on an extra-long walk today and didn't eat back the calories burned to make up for it. I think that's something I'll continue to do, not eat the calories burned and stay at 1500.

I got a mini-fridge in my room, so it's filled with water, fruit juice (100% juice with no sugar added, not that 5% juice and filled with HFCS), carrots, and pineapple so I have healthy options at my disposal when I want a drink or some snacks.

I go to the 3FatChicks forum a lot. It's a little breederific (I'm at a total loss at how some people will lose 100+ pounds and then turn around and get pregnant and end up gaining a ton of weight again), but otherwise a good forum for motivation. I also go to the LoseIt subreddit; it's a little disorganized, but still a good resource.

------------------------------------------------------------
"Why children take so long to grow? They eat and drink like pig and give nothing back. Must find way to accelerate process..."
- Dr. Yi Suchong, Bioshock

"Society does not need more children; but it does need more loved children. Quite literally, we cannot afford unloved children - but we pay heavily for them every day. There should not be the slightest communal concern when a woman elects to destroy the life of her thousandth-of-an-ounce embryo. But all society should rise up in alarm when it hears that a baby that is not wanted is about to be born."
- Garrett Hardin

"I feel like there's a message involved here somehow, but then I couldn't stop laughing at all the plotholes, like the part when North Korea has food."
- Youtube commentor referring to a North Korean cartoon.

"Reality is a bitch when it slowly crawls out of your vagina and shits in your lap."
- Reddit comment

"Bitch wants a baby, so we're gonna fuck now. #bareback"
- Cambion

Oh whatever. Abortion doctors are crimestoppers."
- Miss Hannigan

Wow, I like this thread! I always like reading about other people's weight loss battle stories, but I am not sure whether I can contribute in here or not since it says lose weight in the title I am not really trying to lose weight anymore as I had reached my previous goal dress size, but I still want to lose more body fat. And I want to stop binge eating. Perhaps some of you could relate

For those who are not really keen on calorie counting or just simply need motivation, a good sites I recommend is tribesports. It is like fb for people who exercise, but not as annoying as fb. Check it out. They have various challenges related to fitness/nutrition you can participate in... From beginner to expert levels, they have all. The community is also very encouraging. If you need motivation, tribesports is very nice.
You don't see 'I am trying to lose weight so I can habe babies' type of users there either.

Good job getting to your goal size! up
I struggle with the binge eating too, I feel ya on that issue. Chocolate is dangerous...

I need to focus more on working out too, increasing muscle mass. I am 10-20lbs from a good BMI for my size, but this desk job just makes me "fluffier" every year despite the fact that I have maintained right around this weight for almost three years now.

I did make it back into my size 10s again! I can't even call them my skinny clothes, I have a half a dresser drawer of size 8s waiting for me. Maybe this summer it will happen.
I got some new bras to celebrate, it's nice to finally get out of a 36 band! I've been wearing that band size since I was 50lbs heavier. I think my bones are finally getting used to this new weight range. 34s fit like a dream now.

I just recently started counting calories again and I'm about to buy a scale (not that I care about what it says, it's purely for the sake of tracking my progress) and some weights.

My first goal is to go back to my size from about two years ago, before I was put on a medication which made my appetite go bonkers. I've gained at least 10kg since then and, while I'm still technically not overweight, it left me looking like something that belongs on shapeofamoo.com. d It would also be nice to be able to wear my old clothes without every single lump on my body showing.

I don't have low self-esteem. That's a mistake. I have low esteem for everyone else.
-Daria

I just went from a size 8 to a size 6! Wheee!

Well, I may be going on a cruise next May, so the time has come to really get down to it and get as close to my goal weight as healthily as possible by then.

------------------------------------------------------------
"Why children take so long to grow? They eat and drink like pig and give nothing back. Must find way to accelerate process..."
- Dr. Yi Suchong, Bioshock

"Society does not need more children; but it does need more loved children. Quite literally, we cannot afford unloved children - but we pay heavily for them every day. There should not be the slightest communal concern when a woman elects to destroy the life of her thousandth-of-an-ounce embryo. But all society should rise up in alarm when it hears that a baby that is not wanted is about to be born."
- Garrett Hardin

"I feel like there's a message involved here somehow, but then I couldn't stop laughing at all the plotholes, like the part when North Korea has food."
- Youtube commentor referring to a North Korean cartoon.

"Reality is a bitch when it slowly crawls out of your vagina and shits in your lap."
- Reddit comment

"Bitch wants a baby, so we're gonna fuck now. #bareback"
- Cambion

Oh whatever. Abortion doctors are crimestoppers."
- Miss Hannigan

I'm still doing intuitive eating, after I kind of "rebelled" against it because I still haven't quite shaken some of my more disordered eating habits. But I kind of woke up and realized that always cleaning my plate, snacking mindlessly when I'm not even hungry, etc. wasn't working for me. I still refuse to go on any sort of diet because of my tendency to develop patterns of disordered eating and my wonky relationship with food when I do focus too much on the numbers.

I went back to using the program about a month ago, and I don't know if I lost any weight because part of intuitive eating is that you stop weighing yourself as it can cause anxiety, and part of the program is to accept your body where it's at now, while focusing on self care and healing the disordered relationship with food. I'm happy to report that when I'm actually using the program, which consists of learning how to sense your internal hunger and fullness cues, with a goal of stopping a meal not when you're FULL but satisifed, and also not restricting from any particular type of food (technically all food is allowed with i.e.), I think about food far less. I gravitate towards healthful choices most of the time (kind of a 90/10 ratio of healthful vs. "fun" food).

I'm eating far less as well because I'm making an effort to eat very slowly and allowing my brain to catch up to my stomach. I've been to buffet restaurants twice in the last month and both times could only finish one plate of food while everyone else I was with was super stuffed. I find it really uncomfortable to stuff myself, and am more aware of that feeling now. I try not to feel guilty when I do let myself get over-full, as I don't think eating is some kind of debt to be repaid. We all need to eat to survive, and everyone over-eats sometimes. I just try to focus on the fact that overeating doesn't actually feel very good when I do it. I get indigestion, heartburn, etc. when I overeat and try to remember that when I sit down to a meal. Since the restrictive mentality is gone with me, I never feel the need to binge or gorge on foods I crave, because I know I can have them again, so just a few bites of a rich food are enough for me. It really is wonderful. I feel like a normal person again. I only think about food when I'm hungry, where when I was dieting, I would fixate on food all the time. I'm finding myself feeling very relaxed about the concept of food, and to me this is a good sign of progress. I know my disordered eating is to blame for my obesity.

As far as exercise goes, I make it a top priority in my life. Since the summer heat came on, cycling is about a once a week thing, I try to go swimming once a week if I can, and I do 2 strength training workouts, 3 calisthenic workouts, and 3 cardio workouts (in the a/c at home - I am NOT a hot weather person, ugh). I alternate them so I and my body don't get bored. Again with intuitive eating, I'm shifting the focus from exercise being a thing for weight loss and more as a thing for overall health and self care. I do feel odd if I am more sedentary than usual, so that's good.

I just kind of trust that eventually, with this self care, I will no longer be obese. It may take some time to undo the damage I did from years of alternating very strict regimens with rebelling against those regimens by binge eating, and being in that binge-starve cycle. I have been obsessed with my weight and losing weight since I was a pre-teen, and I came to the realization that my obsession with weight has not helped me be thin, ever (at least not permanently), and realized that people who are "naturally thin" are usually intuitive eaters. I have watched my thin friends eat lately, just to observe. They eat slowly. They stop when they've had enough. They are active. None of them are on prescribed diets or counting calories. It seems to me that most thin people only eat when they're hungry and only eat enough to satiate themselves (even if they occasionally overeat), and many are physically active (some may be more than others). I've shifted my focus from being thin to keeping all my parts in good, working order with self care. That also includes sleeping well, moderating my intake of alcohol, and most importantly trying to keep myself sane (hard to do in this breeder-brained idiocracy we all live in ). I don't expect to lose tons and tons of weight, but I'm sure my body is going to respond, in its own time, and get to a weight that's much more comfortable.

Another thing about all this that I like is the challenge, of learning to look at my body the way it is NOW, and find things I like about it. After removing myself from all the outside jibber jabber about how we all have to look the same, I am finding features of my body I do enjoy, even being fat. People who like and accept themselves usually have the confidence to take ownership of their life and health and thus begin taking better care of themselves. That's why I'm so against fat shaming in general. This isn't to say I completely agree with everything in the fat acceptance movement (many of those people claim that a store not having clothes in their size is "fat shaming," and a few even claim that weighing 400 lbs is completely healthy, and I don't agree with that necessarily). But I do agree that being fat is a physical state, not a moral issue.

Can't wait to see what's in store for me this summer. After my mother put on a pair of her pants and was totally unable to zip them (pants she never tried on before buying, mind you), she decided that both of us are much too fat and that it's time to exercise and diet. She intends to buy a scale and buy both of us pedometers and then go walking with me downtown (most likely in front of people I know) for exercise. I asked if I had any choice i the matter and was told that it's either her way or I have to go see a nutritionist or dietician or whatever (uninsured) who will just tell me I'm fat and to keep a food journal.

I don't want to get on a scale because I don't want her to know how big I really am. I've gained about 10 pounds since last year. I admit I have let myself go because I just stopped fucking caring. When you live in a hellhole like this long enough, look around and go, "This is the best it's going to ever get," you care about less and less. Mom is obsessed with the notion that I will develop diabetes... and I could, I suppose. I might even be pre-diabetic right now. But when she starts bitching at me about things I "need" to do, it just makes me want to do the exact opposite. She says it's diet time and I get no say in the matter? I become anti-diet. I don't want her thinking I intend to listen to her more than I already have to.

Walking will be a joke too because my mother's idea of "walking" is somewhere between waddling and limping, and I don't feel like taking ten steps before she's bellering out, "Wait for the cripple!" behind me. Besides that, I can fucking walk up and down the road where I live just fine. Why does it need to be a spectacle in town like a parade?

I have gone back to using MyFitnessPal and am not doing good at meeting my calorie goals so far. I'm going to try harder, though. I'm also researching natural or OTC hunger suppressants because I have a problem where I eat all my daily calories and am still fucking hungry, and chugging water does not help. I've heard lots of good things about vinegar, so I'm looking at that primarily.

I know weight loss isn't easy... but it's torture going all night without eating anything and fantasizing about whe you're going to get to eat again and you do this for a month, only to find you didn't lose so much as an ounce. And when you're looking at a weight loss goal of 80+ pounds at least, it becomes very discouraging. Why the fuck bother when there is no progress whatsoever? If it's a choice between eating whatever I want and torturing myself with hunger every day and the result is the same either way, guess which one I'm gonna pick? As far as I can tell, dieting is just extra stress. Can you tell yet that I'm not confident in my ability to slim down?

And of course I have hypothyroidism working against me too. I don't think the supplements I've been taking for it are doing much either, and neither are the raspberry ketones I have. Weight loss sucks.