Is there ever any reason to do a background check on someone without them knowing?

A so-called friend of mine did this without my knowing (he admitted it later). I don't have anything online that could be dangerous if it got in the wrong hands (like my credit card or SS number), but he has honestly made me paranoid about what else he could know. He said he didn't ask because I could've lied to him. Well, gee, if you don't think I'm trustworthy, why the hell are we friends?!

The reason he gave for doing this is it's for his safety. He's some kind of public figure and has a lot to lose. I don't know if he does this to everyone or if it was just me, but I'm betting it's the former.

What really creeped me out is this guy also admitted he did not only like me as a friend. If this is what he does when we're friends, what the hell would he do if we were dating?!

Maybe I'm overreacting, but I cannot stop thinking about this. How do you have any kind of social life if you're afraid everyone wants to kill you? He even said people like me are the most dangerous! WTF?!

EDIT: He was also very callous about the whole thing. He got mad at me for getting angry with him, as if I was supposed to accept it without question and treat it as normal.

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"Be yourself, no matter what. Some will adore you, and some will hate everything about you, but who cares?

It's your life. Make the most out of it."

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who did a background check on me for those kinds of reasons. I could perhaps understand it if someone had suffered something horrible and had PTSD as a result. It could be very difficult to trust after someone like that.

But for such a vague reason as this? If you cannot give people the benefit of the doubt and trust them to some extent so long as they have demonstrated trusthworthiness, it says more about you than it does about them. Someone this afraid will drop you the minute you are under any suspicion, no matter how unwarranted.

"He even said people like me are the most dangerous!" You SHOULD be mad at him. He is not an honorable person to say this to you. Have you done anything to arouse this suspicion in him? Because it sounds like he is prejudging you based on some category he can put you in, whether your age, race, sex, sexual orientation, religion, something like that. People like you indeed! I would never talk to such a person again. I refuse to relate to anyone who can't see me as just myself, not whatever other categories I happen to fall in.

I have never done or said anything that would give him reason to be suspicious. I haven't even known him long (since March) and we didn't meet face-to-face. He said that line after I told him I wouldn't hurt so much as a ladybug. So apparently, being pacifistic means I'm some kind of threat.

This also came out of nowhere, like he did a 180 overnight.

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"Be yourself, no matter what. Some will adore you, and some will hate everything about you, but who cares?

It's your life. Make the most out of it."

I did background checks on a few family members and an old friend of my husband's when I was trying to find them. When I found those people I told them outright I used been verified to find them and that I was really sorry about that background check.

That being said, I would've been pissed off in that situation too. My advice is to pull the same stunt on him and watch the pussy have a tantrum about it.

ETA: The kind of person who would do that isn't as honest as he might portray himself to be. It's possible this guy thought he was going on the offensive. I would almost bet money he's got a few skeletons in his closet.

I'd be very concerned about this. You've never met this person face-to-face? This sounds weird and controlling to me.

With the majority here. Why would someone bother going through the trouble of doing a background check on someone they have never even met IRL and without any just cause? It's not like you work for the guy for fuck's sake. I have never in my life felt the need to do an official background check on someone I know. I might Google names for shits and giggles and see what I find, but that's the extent of it. Someone who feels compelled to do a background check on someone they have never met face-to-face to live up to their standards as a friend or more is someone I would not want to associate with whatsoever.

If they're willing to go to such lengths after such limited interaction, imagine what they'd be like as a closer friend or a significant other. This is the kind of person that would hire a hacker to break into your password-protected computer or your email, snoop in your phone, hoard and scrutinize your receipts and open your mail.

That's fucking scary. I can't think of a single online friend that I would feel the need to do this for. I've been stalked online so I'm a bit sensitive about this stuff perhaps but I would be running away screaming and warning people that this person is a creep.

One word: No. To elaborate, someone who would do that for no good reason (especially in an online relationship) is probably bad news.

Yeah, that is just no in my book. Maybe, maybe, just maybe I would excuse it before a legally binding contract like marriage. And that he admitted this? Just no even more. He is an arrogant prick who thinks he is entitled to this information. Cut him off. Now. Serious stalker red flags are flying.

Also, if I am remembering correctly, you are fairly young so this "public figure" is either an actor-sports star type or a politician who is much older than you. Either way, run far away. This is beyond creepy. Googling somebody on the sly? OK. A background check for an online friend is creepy as hell. Beyond that, it leads me to believe he wants to interact with you in a way that would be inappropriate if it became public. Run! Run away now!

Unless he lied to me, he's actually a little younger than me. He was born in 1995.

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"Be yourself, no matter what. Some will adore you, and some will hate everything about you, but who cares?

It's your life. Make the most out of it."

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brown-eyed diamond
Unless he lied to me, he's actually a little younger than me. He was born in 1995.

_______________________________________________
“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”

Either way, he is flying more flags than an 18 hole golf course.
Run away. Now. Yesterday if possible.

I confess I spent most of that night yelling at him because I was so mad, but I haven't talked to him since. Believe me, he's gone.

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"Be yourself, no matter what. Some will adore you, and some will hate everything about you, but who cares?

It's your life. Make the most out of it."

Is this guy from Okay Cupid? I think you should stop hanging around there, because it seems filled with creepy guys who are married and want sex or are just plain weird.

Beware of the faux-intimacy from messaging people all the time. Real dating sites progress to meeting someone in person. These losers who just want to have e-mail or phone relationships have something to hide or they just want hookup relationships with a minimum of effort on their part.

A public figure who is only 19? Have you ever heard of this person before? Would we have heard of him? Or is he just telling you he's some kind of public figure?

Outside of a college athlete, I can't imagine someone who is a public figure at age 19.

Sorry, not trying to come across as nosy. Just saying, that unless you legit know this guy IS a public figure, it could be that he's saying that as some kind of come-on or something; i.e. lying about who he is/job/etc.

The whole background check thing is very sketchy, even if he is a legit public figure.

I didn't believe that either. If it's that important, why didn't he say so before? Like I said, this came out of nowhere. All he told me early on was he ran a business (works in the video game industry?) and he has a pilot's license. This extreme "I've got to look out for myself" nonsense never came up until that night.

About OKCupid - Yes, that's where I met him, and recently, I've come across another guy (though he's 28) who claims to be a talk show host. He didn't mention it, but it's on his profile.

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"Be yourself, no matter what. Some will adore you, and some will hate everything about you, but who cares?

It's your life. Make the most out of it."

I'm not down on online dating at all. Hell, I met my husband on Match. We had a 9 month casual dating relationship, committed for 6 months, engaged for 9 months and married just over 5 years now. Before him, I dated over 50 men who were liars, assholes or losers. I think online dating is a great way to meet people and screen out parent and wannabreeds. The key is meeting soon, not becoming intimate online and not giving out personal info too early.

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I'm not down on online dating at all. Hell, I met my husband on Match. We had a 9 month casual dating relationship, committed for 6 months, engaged for 9 months and married just over 5 years now. Before him, I dated over 50 men who were liars, assholes or losers. I think online dating is a great way to meet people and screen out parent and wannabreeds. The key is meeting soon, not becoming intimate online and not giving out personal info too early

You said it better than I ever could and the last sentence is key. Lots of chaff among the wheat on on-line sites.

Freudian slip--at first I typed "on-lie" sites.

Brown eyed diamond, it sounds like you are getting invested way too early. Yelling at someone all night that you've never met in person sounds like you're getting sucked in. There is a natural progression to these things and I hope you aren't revealing too much about yourself either. You need to be safe on--line.

That is just totally creepy... After several more replies this dude just sounds like a giant mess. If he was really a pilot, AND runs a business, video game or otherwise, he would be waaaaaay too fucking busy to spend much time chatting with you. How much time does he put in on the computer with you?
Odds are very good he's making a lot of what he tells you up out of whole cloth.

I met my husband online too. Got nothing against it! But I also waded through a forgotten large number of dipshits who tried an assortment of manipulative angles. "Oh my dad is ill and I take care of him full time, what's a guy got to do to get some pity action?" "I'm a helicopter pilot, doesn't that sound cool!" And the several times repeated: "How many dates before you put out??? I don't wanna wait very long!"
Lots of douches out there. Keep sifting, there's good ones hiding in the mess as well, I got one.

With all the special sneauxflaykes out there, I'm scared for your prospects though. The kids are getting creepier and creepier. When I was young, it wouldn't have been a major deal to get swatted by any random person who caught a kid doing something he/she shouldn't. Nowadays, that is grounds for a lawsuit! The general public has to know a child's parents to bring down any consequences on them, and normally the parent won't believe the "stranger".
And that's who's on dating sites, being a creeper. There's no consequences, he knows there's no consequences, and he's going to do whatever the fuck he wants if he thinks it will get him what he wants.

Presto, I once asked him that myself. His answer was multi-tasking. Apparently, he's so busy, he only has time to eat once a day because he can't eat and work at the same time, but he can easily talk to me and work (Is playing video games working? That's what was always in the background the few occasions we talked on the phone).

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"Be yourself, no matter what. Some will adore you, and some will hate everything about you, but who cares?

It's your life. Make the most out of it."

My cousin was just scammed out of over $1000 because of some guy that she got emotionally invested into way too early and way too fast. She still refuses to admit that he is a scammer, even though the red flags are practically blinking neon right now.

For my various friends that have done online dating, when they start to get emotionally invested, most of them will ask me to run the guy's name through Google and a few other sites to see what pops. I'm damn good at digging stuff up in less than 30 minutes. An outright background check? No. The *only* reason I'd do that is if there was a legit reason I feared for myself or a close friend - and I'd be upfront about it before I did it. I did run the guy my cousin is talking to through my sites. He, over the course of a few months, now has enough info to probably steal her identity if he wanted to. She let him know WAY too much. His name turns up nothing on Google or any other site I use.

I don't mind online "dating" as it *can* be an easy way to weed out who you don't want. It can also be a very easy way to get suckered into a con. I sporadically get on sites and put up a profile or update mine, but its easy for me not to get invested in anyone. All the local men want someone to play mommy or else BE mommy, and I won't go for that. And I won't open up to someone I can't meet in person.

As for your situation brown-eyed diamond? I call faker. He probably lived in mommy's basement with a Wii and lived in a fantasy world. Even video game designers can't play video games all day long. There are lots of things that go into that before you can play one - and at 19, you are still the low man on the totem pole at a job. He'd be more likely to be doing the "grunt work" that the senior designers didn't want to do. And public figure AND pilot on top of that? I call :BS Add in the stealth background check and I'm glad you aren't talking to him anymore. Creeper is creepy.

"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live." - Oscar Wilde

Multi-tasking??? Haha! Nice "excuse", but not likely at a young age.
Only time to eat one meal a day? Sounds more like drugs. Which goes nicely with the fantasy persona he's developed, as well as the constant video game playing(and clearly we're not talking weed munchies), and the paranoia that lead him to do a background check on you.
Glad you are not engaging any more!

Oh, wait. It gets better.

I am no longer talking to him, but he is trying to talk to me. Notice I said "trying". Today, he had the nerve to send me a message saying "Why are you not talking to me?"

I could block him, but I'm kind of tempted to see how long he'll keep it up. (He's not blowing up my inbox, thankfully)

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"Be yourself, no matter what. Some will adore you, and some will hate everything about you, but who cares?

It's your life. Make the most out of it."