Fertility triggers my ED, anyone else? [serious]

Hey guys,
Err, I'm not sure if this is the right place to discuss, but let me know:

I'm scheduled to get my Mirena, which i guess is only small solace considering I was being ignored and watching the assistant at the doctors NOT note in my file that I would like consultation for TL and ablation. I am just getting okay with what I look like and have tons of anxiety and paranoid thoughts on top of swinging between an eating disorder and being normal. When weird hormonal lady time happens I lock myself in 1-2 rooms of the apartment and have really unpleasant compulsive thoughts about mutilation and cry about my defective body that hurts me. Of course on top of that theres the lurking panic that I am pregnant all the time, even when it's not possible. I'm really frustrated right now and there are a lot of issues all tangled up in a nasty uruburos of BDD, depression and crazy thoughts so I want to know if anyone can relate.

On top of that, I have an annoying cousin over who stalks my forum accounts and who I know touched my laptop. I'm really frustrated, but I hope things get better when I 1. Move out 2. Get into a graduate program 3. Don't have terrible hormone crap anymore. I hope that isn't too graphic..

Anyone else? What can I do to have my doctor listen to me and be more direct? :/

benevolent Anti-natalist, pro-abortion, pro-smut, anti-sleeze, eat the rich, fuck childbirth. pro-black, lgbtqia? Cool. *thumbs up*

Uroboros....wtf brain. Can't spell... :s

benevolent Anti-natalist, pro-abortion, pro-smut, anti-sleeze, eat the rich, fuck childbirth. pro-black, lgbtqia? Cool. *thumbs up*

The author of Childfree voices has a post about how she obtained her sterilization. Unfortunately the patronizing approach the medical profession has toward our reproductive freedom - the freedom to never reproduce - means that getting sterilized requires that you strongly advocate for yourself and be extremely persistant, which can be especially hard if you have anxiety. You'd think it would be easier to get sterilized the less mentally or physically able you appear to be to take care of a child, but thanks to pronatalism and the legacy of forced sterilizations, doctors are, if anything, even more reluctant to sterilize people with medical conditions incompatible with parenthood.

The first gynocologist I saw about sterilization wanted to try an IUD in me as well, but I refused because I did not want a 'solution' which was temporary and would require me to take steps to prevent pregnancy at regular intervals. I didn't want to ever have to worry about it again, and I also didn't want to suffer the pain of insertion (which I assumed would affect me, given how crampy I get from just regular gynocological exams) repeatedly for no good reason at all. So nope. I didn't have to fight much to get my sterilization because I live in a more liberal country and I'm over 30. I don't have any of the issues that you have (except agonizing cramps) but I'm still really fucking glad I'm sterilized.

Hey, moon. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I want to say that I *think* I understand.

I have believed for a long time that there are some childfree people who have a bodily identity aspect to their childfreedom, similar to gender identity -- perhaps this is particularly common in those of us who were early articulators. I have heard males and females of various gender identities and sexualities talk about it (at least as best we can, without having a set of words for it).

I wrote about it several years ago, and the post link is gone now, but I have a copy in my email.

Does this resonate with you?

"I've never quite understood what it is that bothers me about my gender identity.

I like being a woman. That's great. Not particularly interested in being a man.

But I've always hated something about my physical self, and the identity that comes from it.

A few days ago, I read a comment on here about someone who wanted their reproductive organs removed. Not to become a man, but because the organs themselves made her unhappy.

And then it finally dawned on me. My gender identity is fine. It's my reproductive identity I have a big problem with.

There is something about the fact that I have a uterus at all that bothers me. It makes me feel less human. It makes me feel like my body is actively trying to degrade my mind by attempting, month after month, to turn me into a breeding animal.

I am a creature of the intellect. This is a large part of why I am childfree.

And perhaps it also a large part of why I hate my capacity to breed. I don't just find it inconvenient, or irritating. I hate it. It makes me feel like less of a person.

I hate that my body gives signals of when I am fertile. I hate that the purpose of my hips is to make room for the skull of a parasite. I hated the way my boobs looked when they were bigger (I had about 20 pounds of baby fat I lost when I was 15 - mostly off my chest it seems). Having bigger boobs made me feel like a cow.

I never wanted to be a man. I'd have the same issues if I were. I just don't want to look like a fertility farm. I'm happier with a smaller chest. I'd like to have smaller hips. And I would prefer if I didn't have a uterus at all.

And that comment I read was the first time I've ever heard of anyone that feels that way.

Feelings on sexuality and gender identity and sterilization are diverse here. Some people, hardcore CF though they are, want to leave their bodies alone. Perhaps because they're asexual, or gay, or simply don't like messing with their body's way of doing things. Some have had a sex change, which pretty much takes care of that issue. Still others are beating down doors to get whatever type of tubing they have snipped.

I'd love to get fixed, but I don't feel like that will be enough. It will be one piece of what is, for me, a more complicated issue.

Is it possible that some of us are more than childfree? That there may actually be an identity issue going on here, not disimilar to gender identity and sexual identity issues?

I'm not implying those that feel like me are "moar childfree." Hardcore CF is as simple as being CF, for whatever your reasons may be, and refusing to kowtow to a breeder-brained society.

But I'm wondering if there's another faction which may be bigger than being CF. It may be an entire issue unto itself about how we view ourselves, and how our bodies connect to our minds.

Anyone else relate?"

I also want to say that getting fixed helped me a lot. It didn't completely solve the issue, but I am much less at odds with my body now. I kind of wish I'd been able to get an ablation as well, but it's a start.

I only wish it were acceptable for us to say that to a doctor -- that this really does help some of us and it's more than just contraception -- without them thinking we're "crazy" for not buying into the whole natalist life script. Because I really think it's important for some of us.

If you don't mind sharing your general location, I would love to try my best to find you a CF-friendly surgeon or Essure provider.

I sadly do not have any advice about getting sterilized but I would love to have my reproductive organs removed. I do have a bit of CF identity thing going on. Being a moo would feel so alien to me, and I relate with not wanting the reproductive parts of myself. Part of it is CF identity related, and part is the pain that my periods bring, which isn't just cramps anymore, but really bad back and body pain that makes me want to die. BC solves it, but sadly I am terrible with remembering to take any medication.

I do worry a bit about pregnancy myself even if I don't partake of penis in vagina sex much. My partner is a transwoman and I'm a cisgender woman, to give more background. Sometimes I go for the penetration, but it is rare, and we're mostly cuddle people anyway. This relevant though, because I want to stress that unless I am the Virgin Mary, recently I do not have to worry about being piggo.

However with the shitty political climate we have here with women's rights, I am always fearful that one of those days we do decide to have sex the condom fails or worse something happens against my will and I end up piggo. Sometimes I think I'd rather do anything, even something dangerous, to make sure I can remove the parasite. This isn't just because I want to be CF, it is because it so strongly goes against my identity.

I can relate to what lilin_unite has said about reproductive identity. I think my gender identity is ok as well. I do wonder though, because I don't feel 100% like a woman, even though I feel feminine. I do not feel like a man either. I do like to have a curvy body, because that's how my body is anyway, even weighing less. Sometimes I think I would want smaller boobs but that would not make me proportionate. I do not think my curves or boobs have anything to do with babby and fertility. To me boobs are sexual, or even asexual, just not feedbags for fucknuggets.

I think my deal is mostly against my uterus and reproductive system. I feel betrayed by the stupid body parts that make me feel so much pain and coming between things like work,other responsibilities, and my happiness. Plus I have PCOS which makes me feel even more shitty as I grow hair on my face that I do not want. On top of that,one fuckup and I'm piggo. It is just a feeling of betrayal that I feel can go away if I just get rid of the damn things.

I know I haven't been much help regarding advice for doctors, but just letting you know I can relate.

This is a most interesting topic! I have always wondered about Trans people and how that works. I consider myself to be a Jane Average type of a person, I do have some strange ways of looking at things at times.

As example - earlier in fact I was thinking of this - if people 'change themselves' - why can't they put you in like a Panther or something? Or, like that GIF of the "Nope Octopus". I want to be that guy! Why can't this be done?

Or - for what could be done - does anyone ever get a sex change just because they want a 'change of pace'?

For myself - if I were a man - I think I would be the same person, except with a dick.

I don't think I have any kind of gender identity? I don't mind being female but I don't 'play to that' or consider it some kind of integral issue to 'me'.

I don't think I have an identity off of any 'outside constructs' either. I will sometimes mention that I am Jewish here, but I am not religious. That usually pops into my head with things to do with Hard Coar Conservatives, because the :crz Far Right and Tin Foil Hat crowd are anti Semitic and this disturbs me but I also get a laugh out of it - that just because of the area of the world your ancestors came from - this pisses people off. How stoopid!

Or maybe because my skin has gotten lighter and I find this kind of weird. My one Aunt too. I have fears about pollution. Erg. Oh God - yeah plenty of people take me as an Iranian - they're getting blasted with big time pollution too! Gah. What's next? We all gonna turn purple?

Yes this is an *actual issue* for me (and relatives) - because we had direct exposure (US).

I'm not going to whinge on about any illness here, I am thinking of it from the standpoint of 'bodily integrity' and like that. Oh and I was recently sick, blasted with all types of weird chemo drugs (several of which have since been yanked off the market) - and ever since that - I don't feel right.

I don't feel sick, but I don't feel right.

I mention that because I was thinking of this book I read, about the environment. I forget the title of it. The Author writes about these things and also did have a small 'farm'. Which he tried to 'be green' with so to speak. And, he decided to *shit outdoors*. Uh, OK, but I guess I can see the point of that.

This guy had been seriously ill too and took the same aforementioned kinds of drugs I did. In his 'litter box' area outdoors - that spot that he crapped on when sick / on these drugs - he said that ground was completely blighted for 2 years!!!

:goggle

It might've been more. No weeds, nothing. Barren scorched ground.

ERG.

So I have this - the bod is fucked UP. I do not feel right. I am trying to fix myself. I got new vitamins, I was so happy because they were on sale and looked really good, I had high hopes that they'd be a good 'fixer upper'. I opened them and saw - Giant Horse Pills. I can't swallow that. I nearly cried. And I'm not an overemotional person. Oh well, I'll just have to find some smaller ones. Sigh.

And I used to be very in shape, an Athlete even - I played serious Tennis. Now, I can barely walk a half a block without feeling like I'm going to keel over. Everything just hurts. The skeletal system - this is what these drugs wreak havoc on. I got it. It scares me. How bad will it get? Will I get MS or RA? (Yes, these are potential side effects too.)

Anyway, this illness gave me 'body integrity' issues, I am trying to fix myself up. Goes for the mind, too - no need to dwell on things, it will not help. (This illness was the result of a pretty grisly accident also, you don't want to know. And - I've got to keep my mind off of that, also.)

Being a Female: I don't care because I can't change it. Well, I guess I *could*. But who cares? IMO you're 'still you'. Same with racism - who cares? People are people. It's ridiculous.

I have a 'boyish' body - not much T & A happening here. Does this have something to do with how I view myself? I read some article recently, about some 'research' or - ? - along the lines of - larger / broader hipped women are more sexual because 'they know' or the brain knows the hips are wide enough to pass a child. Yeah, I don't know about that. Fairly recent thing discussed in various places, you all probably saw it somewhere.

I have slim hips, I have the type of body that would probably inspire envy in some - tall, long legs, slim hips, 34B chest. Yes I can wear those skinny jeans, I have a pair on right now - neon blue

But men, it seems to me, do not really find my body type attractive. And if you are tall - (I'm around 5,10) - this intimidates men. Put heels on - yeah then I am *really tall* and people look at you like a freak. They like to stare, some will tell you how gorgeous and exotic looking you are, few will really want to talk to you or they seem afraid of you or semi hostile ~

It's a good bod for clothes, and that's about it. I am also very clumsy, which seems to be common among my fellows. It's a long way down there. And the world is built for smaller people.

It seems to me - I'm thinking about what I'm writing here - I mostly think about how I interact with 'the world'.

I don't think of myself in terms of my gender. I'm worried about falling down the stairs! Oooo

It is a weird thing, too. To be used to being strong and fit - and now I feel like a busted down Senior Citizen. Lord.

My uterus is the least of my issues. And never really was. I always had regular, not too bad on the cramps or PMS, periods. I am now kind of worried about my bowels - if you'd like to hear about that ~



Sex? I do not think much about. I am single. I can't find any good men. And I really don't care at this point. What little sex drive I had - was kilt off by the strange drugs also.

I do have body insecurity also - why shouldn't the guy just get a hooker? Why me? Again, I consider myself a Jane Average type - wouldn't the / any guy rather have the big boobed, big booty'd type like Courtney Stodden or Kim K?

I also have kind of an abrasive personality. I'm grouchy and I yell at people. I am quite cynical and have a dim view of just about everything. That's another perk of having your own biz - your partners feel absolutely free to tell you shut it already!

ALL of my problems could be *solved* - if only I could be the Nope Octopus!

I don't know. Just some errant thoughts. It is most interesting to me to read others' thoughts on these issues.

It just came to me - why I mentioned being tall and 'high heels'.

It means something about perception. And how 'different minds' work. Which could also mean - you can change how you think of things.

Anyway, as a Tall Person - I *always thought* high heeled shoes were about adding height. In my mind, that was why women / people bought them - to add height.

And I never thought much else about it - because *I was already tall*.

Seeing the idea of these shoes being 'sexy' - I found this weird, I had never looked at it that way. *I thought* it was about height.

Individual experiences and perceptions, thinking - vary widely, don't they?

I do believe that this means one can choose to consider new perceptions / thinking - as well.

Or - try not to hate your own guts! So what, you have a uterus? Squash it into skinny jeans, that'll kill it!

If you're willing to spend some time in a Nut House ~

Stab yourself in the uterus, go to hospital to get it removed, an act like this *will* get you booked into a head ward - but - I'm thinking this *could work*. You could even treat it like a vacation! Stab the ute in a parking lot outside of an 'upscale' hospital - stagger in there, demand they take the whole works OUT!

There are all kinds of angles to be considered. Another example of 'adjusting your thinking'

In all seriousness - your parts don't define you. And there are other ways of 'looking at things'. Like I said about the high heels - I thought - that was all about height.

Hey!

I'm using all my time off and taking a holiday to game and just keep occupied. Thank you all so much for your responses. You make me feel not-so-weird.

To all of you guys, THANK YOU for your responses.

yurble: You hit the nail on the head! I call it a small victory because I have well thought out reasons that I want TL and ablation, and I don't appreciate being brushed off and having 2 nurses and an tech stare me into submission like a freak. I will continue to pursue it and read others' success stories. I might be anxious but I am well spoken, intelligent and I know what i want!

lilin_unite: your response is so thoughtful and has sparked an interest in reading up on possible articles on the topic. I relate to identifying as female and thinking most gender-role stuff is BS.
I do think you understand! I think that the pain, being demeaned, and the lose-lose choices as a woman makes me angry at this organ inside of me that is the source of so much contention in my life. People telling me what I can, can't and should do with it like it's their business.. I desperately want to be sterile and banish that tension from my life. The closest person who can do the proceedures is in Chambersburg PA, I think. For now I will keep a lid on my craziness until I can get fixed. I don't want a bandaid either. I hope that it works for me!

kookiecrisp: I agree! I have had nightmares and waking ideas where if I were to find out I were pregnant I would immediately start restricting again and physically try and force a miscarriage. I shudder at the thought that any part of me would grow bigger against my will including my chest, or that my logic or reasoning would be seized (not likely!!!) by hormones. I suck at remembering to take supplements- I wouldn't rely on bc for fertility purposes either. Ahhh luckyyyy about your relationship, go you. I really want something permanent in the event that the political climate is unfavorable towards my right towards bodily autonomy. A permanent option that cannot be taken away to make me suffer under someone's delusions of whats right for everbody.

Zzelda: I'm sorry. I know what its like to feel like your body is betraying you and you are at odds with it. I have been dealing with being doubted in/forced to act a chaste girl despite my body, which probably lead me to some bad habits. I have an insatiable drive that I don't overindulge by keeping my body tired. Ah, I personally know what its like to feel boxy and too big for my body and uncomfortable in it. I wear lots of loose boy clothes too when I'm not wearing my working adult disguises. I don't like feeling bulgy or wide in the shoulders or hips. A therapist pointed out that I overestimate how big I think I am when I was at my lowest weight during an exercise, so I can definitely relate to the body issues. I'm pretty cynical and sarcastic- i bet your personality could be fun to be around! I am sorry to hear about your illness and I pray to the Nope octopus and the Deal With it Sloth you don't have to put up with more unreasonable pain OR body betrayals OR hospital visits. That is awful. I am not touchy but internet hugs if you want them.

To everyone: I completely missed part of the point of my post - I meant to point out that I think that getting fixed AND the ablation is the BEST course of action for me because I can finally have two less reasons to overexercise and starve to lose my.. er..lady time. Ablation and TL are the HEALTHY options to do this. I think its not unreasonable to loathe being in physical and mental anguish every month when you never intend to become a mother. Or to reject hormones when they f up your body and make you balloon up. :c I have a folder with some research I am bringing for next time, as well as a letter for that doctor if I seize up from being flippantly brushed off next time. I can do this!! >_<

benevolent Anti-natalist, pro-abortion, pro-smut, anti-sleeze, eat the rich, fuck childbirth. pro-black, lgbtqia? Cool. *thumbs up*

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Zzelda
Stab yourself in the uterus, go to hospital to get it removed, an act like this *will* get you booked into a head ward - but - I'm thinking this *could work*. You could even treat it like a vacation! Stab the ute in a parking lot outside of an 'upscale' hospital - stagger in there, demand they take the whole works OUT!

Ahhh, is it weird? I avoided being gruesome but I have thought of this in dreams and waking moments. I used to have regular bruising right between my hipbones from too much pressure on that area when I still had regular hormone crap. :/

Unfortunately, being read up on mental health I do realize that being locked up under surveillance is more stress than its worth for me. I am "lucky?" in that my crazy family kept me locked up most times to keep me from getting preggo, (not likely!) so I've never had to deal with this as an adult since I went off to college. Now I am keeping busy by applying for a rigorous program of study and don't want to jinx all my hard work being normal and get disqualified on some bullshit like that. I heard that citizens can lose certain rights for being locked away?

Its really fucked up, but I think I have a sort of control over it for right now. You were in my brain for a second though, and I can laugh and appreciate that. Hope that's not weird. :s But you're awesome for that.

benevolent Anti-natalist, pro-abortion, pro-smut, anti-sleeze, eat the rich, fuck childbirth. pro-black, lgbtqia? Cool. *thumbs up*

I never considered my fertility anything other than a burden. And I hated my lady parts because they caused me nothing but misery. I had PCOS and endometriosis and honestly, if my uterus and ovaries had been my gall bladder, they would have been gone before I was 25. When I think about the misery I was in with the constant bleeding and pain, it makes me angry.

I've ranted about it in other places but I had SO MUCH frustration with the medical community because they offered no permanent solutions. Every doctor I met wanted to apply a band-aid until I invariably Changed My Mind^TM and got to Breeding like probably every other young woman in his/her practice.

I couldn't find anyone who wanted to remove my uterus until I was past 40 and I already had a tubal ligation, which I fought hard to get at the ridiculous age of 36. It still enrages me that doctors think nothing of a 21 year old having her second baybee, they felt free to bingo the Hell out of stable, home-owning, master's-degreed, 36 year old me, EVEN TO THE POINT OF "LOSING" my consent form and making me wait another 30 days for the procedure.

I was happy to get my tubal ligation and I was OVERJOYED to lose my uterus. (Ovaries, not so much but they had to go.)

My recommendation is that you track your periods and how much trouble you are having with them. Pain level, bleeding level, how long they last, days of work missed, etc. Take the piece of paper to the visit and make sure it's in your file. That way they can't ignore your shitty quality of life. Overwhelm them with data.

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lilian_unite
And then it finally dawned on me. My gender identity is fine. It's my reproductive identity I have a big problem with.

This! This is it, in one sentence. I like being female. I like wearing make-up, wearing lace dresses, curling my hair. I hate my uterus. I hate being defined as a baby machine, as if there is nothing more to me than growing humans. I despise that a woman's identity is still defined by whether or not she breeds, and not by her achievments, intellect, talents and skills.

I was lucky enough to be able to get my uterus removed some years ago, because of fibroids, and it's been a complete blessing. I'm no longer burdened with cramps and bleeding every month. I have bodily freedom, just like a man. Mr. Peace and I no longer worry about an unwanted pregnancy. And, it rocks when people ask why I don't have children, or question my CFness, I tell them I'm surgically sterilized. The look on their faces is priceless.

I hate my uterus also. Last week, spent the first three days of red tide sick as a dog. Any pain pill taken ( Aleve, Advil,etc) keeps me up all night with nausea. I do not have tiger stripes on my abdomen, I have burn marks from the heating pad. I had found a doctor willing to take it all out in 2006, back in California. Our insurance refused to pay. I'll have to try again with the new insurance. I am hoping to find a gynecologist, without the obstetrics part. Maybe, I'd get more compassionate care than "you can't throw away you fertility like that". That freaking fertility is making me miserable. I am not suicidal in the least, when i'm holding my knees in the fetal position, I wish a stroke would end it all. Menopause, when it shows up, will be a liberation.:partay

Ugh. The best advice I can give is to see if your primary care doc can refer you to a CF, female Oab/GYN associated with a (non-Catholic) teaching hospital/medical school. Be very up front with your PCP about what you are looking for so you don't waste your time going to a specialist who is only interested in the Allmighty Baybee.

I can totally relate to that. Since I can remember, I've had this weird feeling that I neither liked nor disliked being a girl but there was still something bothering me. I finally realized that it was the reproductive crap that kept bothering me. I actually like being a girl, albeit a tomboy, but I'd never want to be a dude.
What I can't cope with is the idea that someone might think I could be a mother at some point in the future, that's the freakiest thing EVER! I'd be so happy if I could get spayed like my cat! But then she's lucky to have all that beautiful fur to cover up any potential scars. Why can't they finally come up with a sterilization pill?

If your financial situation allows for it, maybe you could take a trip to England and get your tubes tied? There is this clinic called Marie Stopes, they'll do it without asking too many questions.

Scars? I have 3 larascopy scars from the hysterectomy. I'll take those small scars any day over the monthly horror that was bleeding, cramping, bloating, and exhaustion. The doctors at the gyn. and hospital told me a long time ago that my body physically went into labor every month for cramps, and I wasn't even pregnant. I once took so many pain pills to try to stop the pain that my heart stopped beating. It was terrible...

Scars? They're the "tiger stripes" of the childfree; proof of my hysterectomy and bodily freedom!