Rant. I met a cool guy, but he's a chainsmoker obsessed with cigs! GRR!

So a few weeks ago, my best friend and I started this art critique group. We have a small clique of acquaintances of people who joined, and one of them is this guy who, initially, I thought was really cool. We hit it off, share the same interests, are similar in age, and he is pretty cute, too. Also, we have a same major interest (the common ground of the critique group), and the fact that we can bond over something that we both spend so much of our free time working on is a huge plus.

The problem is, he's a fucking chain smoker! Now, I'm not one of those "any and all vice is evil" types. I smoke a bit of weed on occasion, maybe a few hits on the odd weekend or two, to get in a different mode creatively. I don't smoke cigs, but I do know people who will smoke, say, one cigarette on their lunch break and another one at night, and I don't judge them for it.

But this guy fucking CHAINSMOKES, like a pack a day. He has openly said he's not looking to quit, but he "would like to cut back sometime" (I call bullshit). And it pisses me off that he's so oblivious to how gross it is for other people. We sometimes have our creative group meetings at this outside tavern with a big patio, and it's technically allowed to smoke outside, so he'll be sitting there puffing cig after cig at the outdoor tables. He doesn't even seem to notice or care that it's blowing right around us. Nobody in our group happens to have any type of asthma issues or anything, but it still pisses me off so much! Like how can he be so sure?

Because of all the shared interests besides this one issue, and because I didn't yet realize how much it bugged me, I invited him to come hang out at my place. Not in a booty call way, I established, but to hang out as friends and work on our art more, and he'd be sleeping on the couch and leaving in the morning before I left for work. He eagerly takes me up on it, we have fun hanging out, and overall it's a pretty good night.

Except he kept going out on the balcony to smoke! I had told him flat-out, initiating the subject myself, that there would be NO smoking in my apartment, and he adamantly agreed to this and had a "Of course I never would have done that, I respect your home and know to go outside" type of response, so I thought "cool."
However, what I did not realize, was that going outside does not get rid of the smoke smell that still lingers on him after. He would keep needing to interrupt things to go outside and smoke like every 30 minutes! And when he came back in, he would reek like a fucking ashtray, and I have a pretty small apartment, so even though he wasn't smoking indoors, the place started to smell like smoke anyway.

Afterward, I confronted him about this, and said that there will be no smoke-breaks while at my place ever again because I do not want the smell of stale cigs in the air the next day. He was cool with this and was apologetic and respectful. He then said that his friend had gotten him an e-cig and would use that instead. E-cigs are made in a way where the nicotine stays inside, and the stuff that comes out is odor-less and nicotine-free, and the stuff that puffs out of an E-cig is basically the same as the dry ice stuff at concerts. So I was fine with this. Next time, during the critique group meeting, he was puffing away on the e-cig the entire time and then at my place he'd always go out to smoke that.

Also, in his book (yeah we're writers) the main character is also obsessed with smoking. I understand that a character is not the same as the author, but in this case it's clearly projection. The character is constantly stopping at stores to buy cigs, holding a cig in his hands while he thinks, etc. in a really over the top manner. Also, at one point (in the book) the character is checking out a girl and comments on how he notices a cig in her hands and it's even more of a turn on.

Honestly, it sucks because I really did have feelings for him initially, but the cigarette thing irritates me so much that I don't want to go there anymore. And it's not just a matter of the smoke itself. I have no problem with nearby strangers smoking in bars, or with relatives who take a nightly smoke in their garage or whatever. I even sometimes like the smell, if I just get a fresh whiff walking by someone on the street.
The thing that bugs me is the level and the degree. It's a fucking obsession. He's constantly puffing away, in this dependent manner, and he brings his cigs everywhere. Not every type of social situation that takes place outdoors means it's okay to smoke!
If we did date and I brought him home to some family reunion or something, do I have to deal with him taking giant drags on the cig in front of the parents and everything when we're trying to make an impression? Would he do this at a company function and have the smoke blow in my boss's face? It's like there's this sense of entitlement, this "My cigs are part of me and anyone who might not like smoke, for any reason, can shove it" attitude lurking undernearth. Either that, or a total delusion where he thinks people thinks it's sexy?

I know I might sound judgmental, but it annoys me so much.

I'm a smoker and have been for 32 years. Nothing to be proud of, in fact, I'm trying to quit right now because of health reasons. I do have a dependency on them, because of the length of time I've been smoking them. I always carry my smokes and my e-cig along with me because I know there will be a time when I need a cigar break. Yes, I smoke the nasty, disgusting, stinky cigarillos.

I'm going to be honest with you, it sounds like the guy is trying to be respectful, and he doesn't really sound delusional. I don't know if it's an obsession, but like any addiction, smoking is a very difficult habit for someone to break. He is trying to be good about it, and I can see where you're coming from, but if you don't like the smell, you may have to distance yourself from him because he isn't going to quit until he's ready - which may be never.

I kind of have the attitude that if a person doesn't like the fact that I smoke, they don't have to be near me - then again, I'm a misanthrope that doesn't care what others think. I do try to be respectful of other people when I smoke too, but the smell does linger and that can't really be helped.

As a smoker, though, I can tell you there's nothing more annoying than someone getting in your face about smoking. We all know it's bad for us, and we know we have a problem, but I've had people tell me off over the years about it and it pisses me off. Non-smoking famblee and health care workers mostly. Not at all saying that's the way you are, but if he's trying to be polite about it and he does sound somewhat respectful, then I'm not really sure what you can do. Maybe try to establish some boundaries with him, like you did with your apartment, and see what happens? Maybe let him know that him smoking his e-cig during the meetings isn't comfortable for the rest of the group and maybe he'll stop.

As for the dating thing, that may be a deal-breaker. If you can't be with someone who smokes, and they aren't willing or ready to quit, then it can be a serious problem. I've dated smokers when I was a non-smoker (quit for a few years) and it didn't really offend me. Of course, they smoked outside and not in my house. I got back into smoking cigars later in life because of some stress-related issues that caused me to go back.

I'm sorry the potential romance is gone, but I am like you. Smoking to me is an instant turn-off and I'm allergic to nicotine anyway. I don't think it makes somebody a bad person but I do think even the most considerate smokers have become so used to the smell the don't realizes it lingers on all their clothes and hair, which they transfer to things like sofas or couches they sit on, not to mention the ashtrays that have to be cleaned up even outside. It is hard to be turned on by somebody and want to share close personal, space with people who smell unappealing for any reason. Nobody is bad by smoking and nobody is bad for not wanting to be around it or smell it.
It is the same reason I don't let people smoke weed inside my house because the smell lingers for days and it does not smell good to me.

ETA- I would never, ever get in somebody's face about smoking. As long as they are doing in approved areas in public, it is my job to move. In their house, they make the rules. If they are puffing away and my eyes start swelling shut it is my job to leave. I would never expect somebody to quit because of me. The only place I want my wishes respected is my home and smoke free public places.

I have been a "social" smoker for years. Basically I like to smoke when I drink, which over the years has been anywhere from a couple times a week to months without. I've given up the cigs permanently for the last 18 months. Smoking to me is a complete deal-breaker. I have gotten rid of close friends because their smoking was just too much. One girl smoked constantly in her apartment and if I went over there at all, I would reek of smoke for the rest of the day/night.

It's a shame, but I would just add smoking to your list of things you cannot accept in a relationship. You think it smells bad now, but wait until you have to make out with that tongue that he's been enveloping in cigarette smoke for the past however many years.

Ew.

Smoking is a deal-breaker for me, for sure. I doubt I could even be friends with someone who smoked heavily, because I don't enjoy swelling eyes or difficulty breathing, which happens even just from being near someone wearing clothing which is heavily impregnated with smoke. Fortunately, fewer people smoke these days, so I have just one friend who smokes, and he uses e-cigs.

That said, I don't see why you think this guy is cocky or otherwise a jerk. He reacted when you said something was a problem, and he made the switch to using e-cigs during the group meetings without being directly asked. I understand why you would rule him out as a romantic partner, but not as a friend.

He probably doesn't think cigarettes make him sexy, but if he's a bit defensive about smoking it is probably because he's sick and tired of people telling him he should quit. I imagine it's about as welcome as constantly being told that you should lose 10 pounds, when you already damn well know it.

Quote
evilchildlessbitch
ETA- I would never, ever get in somebody's face about smoking. As long as they are doing in approved areas in public, it is my job to move. In their house, they make the rules. If they are puffing away and my eyes start swelling shut it is my job to leave. I would never expect somebody to quit because of me. The only place I want my wishes respected is my home and smoke free public places.

I hear ya, ECB. I think the ones who are the worst are ex smokers. I remember once, my ex MIL invited me to stay at her place in Toronto over Xmess, and she invited this woman who was an ex smoker for dinner. I didn't know she was, until I went outside for a smoke, came back in and was on the receiving end of a lecture about the evils of smoking that lasted nearly the entire evening. Man, was I pissed!

There were a few years where I didn't smoke, and I found people who did smoke to be fairly respectful of that. If a smoker came over, I would have a place out on my patio for them to smoke, with chairs, a table and ash tray. I was aware that this was a choice, and one I even made, and didn't feel the need to judge or berate someone for it. If it got too smoky for me, I just went inside and shut the patio door.

I'm still sorry that I went back to smoking again, because now I have to quit again. I am aware that most people don't appreciate the smell of smoke, so I try to keep it in my own home and in my car. If I smell like smoke, it's just what it is. In fact, it is a great invisible shield for crunchy moos at the malls and in restaurants, who tend to steer clear of me and hubs. He also smokes, but told me when I quit, so does he.

I was thinking about this last night while I was having insomnia.

And I wondered - could the issue not be smoking but something else? I was thinking maybe the guy is OCD or has anxiety. Because - who smokes that much?

Yes, I understand it's addictive - I smoke myself. Granted, not very much. But when I was younger I smoked more and probably was close to a pack a day. But - I could go for hours without smoking and did not get 'cravings'.

I pretty much only smoke at home. At the office I don't really care to stand around in the back alley with the bums and junkies passed out in their own piss. If they see you smoking they'll pester you for cigs also.

I don't crave it that bad, I can wait. I rarely smoke in my car either - not so much that I want to keep the car nice - more because I feel it's a *distraction*. I like to be completely focused on driving. God knows few other people are eyes2

About this -

Quote

It's like there's this sense of entitlement, this "My cigs are part of me and anyone who might not like smoke, for any reason, can shove it" attitude lurking undernearth. Either that, or a total delusion where he thinks people thinks it's sexy?

I think you may be picking up an 'attitude' from this guy and it's more about that than the smoking.

Hey guys,

Thank you so much for all the feedback, from both ends of the cigar. Sorry I didn't reply for a few days. I was busy but was not meaning to ignore y'all.

To the smokers: I definitely agree. Bingo'ing, in any form, isn't cool. I hate the types of people who will badger on and on about something, giving the same lecture repeatedly, or who get condescending about things they would already know. I don't give the "smoking causes lung cancer" sermon by any means. The only anti-smoke thing I've ever said was the thing about no smoking on my balcony because of the lingering smell getting into my place, and that it could be a potential deal-breaker for me due to the kissing/shared space/etc. So I get where you guys are coming from, but I haven't bingoed him about it in any way.

After some reflection, he definitley was considerate - I think I did indeed jump the gun on the "clueless/entitlement" thing, since he did switch over to the e-cig.

Again, though, I'm still put off by the amount and degree. If it were, say, a cigar in the evening with dinner on the porch, or 1-3 times throughout the day (rare enoguh that it wouldn't even be that noticeable), then it wouldn't be such a huge concern. But the fact that he's an actual chainsmoker is my issue. Every single time I see him he's puffing away, whether it's on the e-cig or actual cig, and it just has this vibe of dependency that I find really off-putting. Like, I smoke weed 1-2 times a WEEK at the most, and it's just 1-2 puffs each time, if I want a slight creative buzz. But, if it were a matter of constantly smoking weed every single day and needing to be high, all the time, for every single event and situation, then I wouldn't want to date me either. If that makes sense.

Also there's the straight-up physical affects. If his tongue is nasty, or there's other similar hygiene problems due to smoking (it doesn't look that way, and I haven't kissed him so I wouldn't know) that's going to be an issue. Also, if things DID get serious later, I don't want to someday have to lose him early due to cancer or whatnot. I realize this can happen to anyone, and would always be there to support a partner in case of life emergencies, but I feel it's different the issue is both preventable and foreseeable, and if I'm not committed yet but determining whether I would be.

Quote
thundergirl85
. Also, if things DID get serious later, I don't want to someday have to lose him early due to cancer or whatnot. I realize this can happen to anyone, and would always be there to support a partner in case of life emergencies, but I feel it's different the issue is both preventable and foreseeable, and if I'm not committed yet but determining whether I would be.

Cancer - maybe. Heart disease, lung disease, a host of vascular calamities - that's more likely.

Leonard Nimoy died of COPD despite having given up smoking three decades earlier.

My own Dh, a smoker from his teens until his 50s, suffers from blocked arteries. So far, he's had a stroke, a Carotid endarterectomy and, just a couple months ago, a carotid stent

If I had a wayback machine and could go back to 1985, when we started dating, knowing what I do now, I'd still choose him, absolutely no doubt about that. However, these last few years have been hell for us.

It's typically not a matter of *poof* your lifemate is gone, but a slow decline. It's doctor's appointments; tests - sometimes very ugly and painful; long weeks of waiting for the next appointment to see if things are better, worse, or static. It's getting those plain white envelopes in the mail and slowly opening them to see what the insurance paid and how many thousands (THOUSANDS - tests and operations are very expensive and first there is the deductible to be satisfied before the insurance kicks in. Even then, there are things like '20% of bill to be paid by patient.') you owe. Hospitals are awful places, no matter how nice they are designed; the ICU is worse - much worse.

Can you face seeing someone you are committed to suffer, knowing that you are the one he looks to more than anyone for support? And knowing that there's nothing you can do to make the pain stop or the fear go away?

I am absolutely devoted to my mate, which makes it a nightmare to think "am I going to lose him? I'm only in my 50s. Can I bear facing the possible decades still ahead of me without him?"

I didn't know any of this when I started dating a smoker and merely thought "ew, I'm going to have to lay down some rules about this. I don't mind the smoking, I just don't want him to do it around me." It has the potential to become a HUGE issue when you get older. You need to consider that before you commit to him.

I know I haven't been on here in a while, but reading this just really made me want to respond. I understand that non-smokers have rights to be in areas lacking cigarette chemicals and such.

However, 'chainsmoking' doesn't make a person bad. They aren't entitled - they just have need to smoke. What about the person who goes drinking Friday - Saturday every single week? They pound the liquor back one after the other and no one is getting on their back.

As for the amount and degree -- I currently smoke a pack a day, but guess what? There was a few years where I smoked 3 packs a day and yes, I was smoking constantly - two at a time. However, did that make me a pompous, OCD-laden, better-than-everyone-mentality ass? No, because you don't know the degree of a person's dependency. Some people just get addicted quite easily to things - food, money, power, cigarettes, drugs (including marijuana), gambling, alcohol, etc.

We aren't trying to make your lives hell - we're just trying to enjoy a smoke. You have your rights to enjoy your weed, no matter how often or few times you partake in it. Since weed has gotten so popular in recent years, and legalization looming on the horizon in many places, no one bats an eye. Its all natural and healthy for you -- but god FORBID that someone lights a cigarette because -- smoking one is not the same as smoking the other. And don't get me started on the most socially acceptable substance there is - alcohol. Everyone drinks, and everyone has some degree of problem, but its socially acceptable to get plastered on the weekends, drive home drunk, kill some people, or lead to assult and other wonderful behaviors. I hear weed leads to some personality alterations as well. However, cigarettes lead to a smell. So does eating fast food, but do you see.. oh right, you do. Its just not as socially acceptable to tell a person they should get out of the public because they smell like fast food, or indian food, or curry, or any other smelly food.

You want rights to have your guns, eat your food, drink your alcohol, and SMOKE your pot, but how dare those cretins smoke cigarettes on a public sidewalk!

This is me ranting; I'm not trying to start an argument, but I feel that since OP was able to rant about her feelings on smoking, I should be able to as well. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

When you smoke, even on a public sidewalk, everyone in the vicinity is forced to breath your smoke. You getting drunk doesn't give me a hangover.

That and neither drinkers nor people who eat curry have been implicated in raging fires across drought areas, including a huge storage facility fire in my former hometown of Puyallup just last week.

http://www.equipmentworld.com/cigarettes-are-causing-roadside-fires-in-washington-almost-daily/

http://www.npr.org/2015/07/22/425138588/in-drier-washington-state-fire-chiefs-say-wildfires-could-scorch-any-city

I hate to say it but it is a rare smoker who doesn't think that the world is their ashtray.

Weed may more natural but it is not more healthy to smoke. I don't think it is addictive but a person is still taking smoke down into their lungs. I also think most people don't use pot or alcohols as frequently as cigarettes because in many places it is illegal to walk down the street with open containers of alcohol or smoking pot as well as most workplaces banning them.
I'm not going to lecture anybody about either one. As I said, if I am in a public space where it is permitted or in somebody's home I will simply remove myself. What I can't stand are the entitled smokers, especially the ones who lecture me about how harmless their pot or cigarettes are. Since I am allergic to cigarettes and cigars I don't allow people to smoke in my house, car or on my porch. I have had people pout because I don't have an ashtray or ask them to step into the yard. I have had people argue with me about asking them not to smoke in my car because they claim I won't have a reaction with the top down. I have had people be offended when I won't let them smoke weed even with the windows open because the stench permeates the carpet and my clean clothing for days. On the issue of alcohol, it has no impact on others unless the person becomes an abusive drunk, in which case they are going to be asked to leave my house.
The other thing I hate is that in bars (except cigar bars) where I live, it is illegal to smoke or use e-cigarettes inside. Most of these places have covered patios with plastic around them in the winter. They have tables and chairs and food can be ordered from the patios. For some reason, people think the rules don't apply to them and will smoke or use their e cigarettes indoors and then get mad when you ask them to stop because the nicotine is causing your eyes to swell shut.
I don't see why people can't just be considerate of each other. I would never go to a person's house or to a smoking section and try to impose my non-smoking on them. I don't want them to impose their smoking habits on me in my home or other non smoking areas.

Well, I did it. I basically quit smoking. I'm vaping, and will allow myself the odd fine cigar, but other than that, that's it. Husband has quit as well.

We decided to do this because we bought the house, and our mortgage payments will be more than what we're currently paying in rent.

I'm looking forward to the health benefits. Because of chronic bronchitis, I had to go on a puffer for a couple of weeks, which I'm still taking. It's helped tremendously.

I plan to wean myself off of the e-cig, and only smoke decent cigars on special occasions.

This has been a huge step for my husband and I. We are still going through the physical thing, because vaping isn't the same as smoking, but it's definitely getting better.

Quote
mumofsixbirds
Well, I did it. I basically quit smoking. I'm vaping, and will allow myself the odd fine cigar, but other than that, that's it. Husband has quit as well.

We decided to do this because we bought the house, and our mortgage payments will be more than what we're currently paying in rent.

I'm looking forward to the health benefits. Because of chronic bronchitis, I had to go on a puffer for a couple of weeks, which I'm still taking. It's helped tremendously.

I plan to wean myself off of the e-cig, and only smoke decent cigars on special occasions.

This has been a huge step for my husband and I. We are still going through the physical thing, because vaping isn't the same as smoking, but it's definitely getting better.

Awesome! I'm sure that was a huge challenge. As well as health benefits, you also will not have to replace carpets, clothing and furniture as often. You also won't have to worry about the smell and smoke staining your walls.

I'm so happy for you.

Thanks, ECB! It wasn't easy at first, but now I use my e-cig and I'm perfectly happy with that. I would sooner put a noose around my neck than give up the odd cigar for special occasions, but really, for every day, the e-cig is more than enough for both me and my husband.

I'm no longer on the puffer and my chronic cough has cleared up, too. My house no longer reeks of smoke, and neither do we. It really is a freeing feeling.

Quote
mumofsixbirds
Well, I did it. I basically quit smoking. I'm vaping, and will allow myself the odd fine cigar, but other than that, that's it. Husband has quit as well.

Excellent! Congratulations wink

Quote
mumofsixbirds
Thanks, ECB! It wasn't easy at first, but now I use my e-cig and I'm perfectly happy with that. I would sooner put a noose around my neck than give up the odd cigar for special occasions, but really, for every day, the e-cig is more than enough for both me and my husband.

I'm no longer on the puffer and my chronic cough has cleared up, too. My house no longer reeks of smoke, and neither do we. It really is a freeing feeling.

I don't think it has to be an all or nothing thing. I don't think the occasional cigar is going to do any harm. I am so glad you are seeing the health benefits and also benefits for your husband. Your quitting did double duty!