Afraid to hope

Since March, I've had some rough animal problems-- my beloved mare died from a sudden illness (she lived less than 24 hours after it struck), and two of my oldest cats have developed serious health problems. I can cover my cats' expenses, but we're not rich, or even middle class. A lot of people are encouraging me to get another horse, telling me that horses are a part of who I am (I agree), but coming up with that kind of money is a stressful idea.

Long story short, though, a friend has offered me a potentially incredible opportunity. I'm still grieving my lost mare, but I so want to hope for this to work out-- she obviously can't be replaced, but I do want another at some point. But so much has been going wrong, has been so hard lately, that I'm afraid to even hope for it. I'm afraid I'll let myself be happy and it will be jerked out from under me for some reason.

Does anybody else ever feel that way? Afraid to hope for something? How do you deal with it?

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kittehpeoples
But so much has been going wrong, has been so hard lately, that I'm afraid to even hope for it. I'm afraid I'll let myself be happy and it will be jerked out from under me for some reason.

Does anybody else ever feel that way? Afraid to hope for something? How do you deal with it?

I frequently refer to myself as a pragmatist / realist.
For most things in life, I don't really hope in the way that most people mean.
I make sincere efforts to try to improve my lot in life, as well as for specific people and community groups.
Through those efforts, things generally improve over time, but I am prepared for both disappointment and the gift of things going well for a while.

Things will ALWAYS go wrong, you just need to have some perspective on that and keep moving forward.




Personal Examples: (from this week)

GARDEN CLUB:
Early this week, I made various efforts (made posters, and distributing flyers by bike to about 100 homes) to start a gardening club in my small village.
The "success" could be anything from having made a few new neighbour connections, to various small garden trading, to small garden projects and regular meetings.
I am willing to go with the energy and interests in the community and accept what people want to do (or not do).
I will continue my own private and public gardening projects regardless.


COMMUNITIES IN BLOOM:

Years ago, and again this week, I contacted the local group to try to get some co-operation to get some activities/ interest in my village.
This year's poster was not printable (bad colour choices), so I chose to spend two hours to re-create it to make it printable.
I added 'tear-off info tabs' to aid in people contacting them.
This morning, I posted them in all public venues in the village.

The committee did commit to donate some packages of zinna seeds (one of several themes) for me to personally distribute.

None of the committee members will enter the village at all (to distribute seeds, nor join a meeting) because one of them saw a loose dog in the village once three years ago.

Every year, they have chosen to have all garden contests based entirely on being in a wheelbarrow.
This excludes many low income people, most renters and even some home owners because you need the space and income to store a wheelbarrow and the willingness to make it unusable for most of the important gardening season.

This year, I found an online resource on how to make a rustic decorative wheelbarrow out of a pallet/ skid.

http://woodworking.formeremortals.net/2013/04/make-a-rustic-wheelbarrow-for-the-garden/

I let the organizers know I would be offering a free workshop (with plans) on how to make them.
The response: We are not sure if we will allow these to be in our decorative garden wheelbarrow contest.
I am going ahead anyways.



RAISED GARDEN BEDS:
I went to extreme efforts of quite straining work and money to build 4 very tidy vegetable raised garden beds this week.
I was told from a few sources that the rental management supervisors may rescind the permission to build for totally arbitrary reasons (ie no real reasons).
Since I am low income, disabled and car-less having fresh organic vegetables in my yard would be a great asset to me.


The key theme is that I continue to try to improve my lot in life and am willing to accept some portion of potential disappointment.

Thank you for your response, cassia. Keep moving forward...reminds me of a quote from Walt Disney that my DH and I frequently reference:

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Walt Disney
Around here, however, we don't look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things, because we're curious...and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.

I try to be a pragmatist and a realist, but sometimes hope just won't keep its head down. But this is a situation, for me, that will have to be worth the risk of disappointment. I'm definitely going to keep trying to make it happen, and I guess life will continue on whether it does or not. Pesky that way, life.

I do hope your gardening efforts yield great results for you, whether it ends up being just you and your raised beds, or whether you can get a community going. Sounds like you definitely deserve it.

Hey kittehpeoples. Sorry I am just now seeing this, going through my own struggles I don't always see everything happening in the world and I haven't been on The Patio in forever. I am so sorry you lost your horse. I can only imagine how shocking and difficult and painful that must have been. I am so, so sorry. So very sorry. I can only imagine how much that must have sucked.

That said, if an opportunity presents itself, you have to ask whether or not you will regret not taking said opportunity. You deserve to be happy and obviously of course your mare cannot be replaced. But what if?

We move forward one day at a time, one hour at a time, hell, one minute at a time. God, I don't know why writing this just now makes me want to cry. I guess it's just that I've been there too and am on that "one day at a time" road where life isn't very smooth at the moment.

I wish I could reach out a hand and help you out along the path. I guess I meant to say regardless of what choice you decide to go with, you will be OK and can make it through. Bad times, good times, you're strong and capable. Great rewards require great risk. I know that's a stupid thing to say, and it's also stupid to say that there are no wrong or right answers.

What is your heart telling you?

Are you OK Law?

If you need to vent further please do, you never know where a suggestion may come from. Feel free to PM me also if you want.