should I give her another chance? am I being unreasonable?

This is long I apologize.

Im bisexual but have limited experience, the only time ive slept with a woman was during my escort work (two girl sessions, couples wanting threeways etc).

A childhood friend recently came back into my life revealing that she is attracted to me and would like to explore this side of her sexuality with me, she has a boyfriend (he knows and is cool with it), im single at the moment, however if I found a man down the line thats fine and we'd be the only women each other sees (besides my escorting shes aware of what I do). Shes never been with a woman, and I only have been with them in the biz. Im attracted to her as well, but theres one issue holding me back from giving her a full yes at this time.

In elementary school (known each other since 1st grade), she was one of my best friends. School only went up to 6th grade so we went to diff schools after that, but in 9th grade she ended up transferring to my new school where I was being terribly bullied, the stress was so bad my hair was falling out. She knew what was going on before she came and said she'd be there for me, but lo and behold she becomes friends with the bullies and shuts me out.I ended up leaving after that year and she left also but to a different school.

I brought up my concerns with her and why I dont exactly trust her, even though the attraction is mutual. She says im grudge holding, it was so long ago, she was a teenage girl who wanted to fit in blah blah blah. I said im not looking to get even, but im really torn cuz I dont trust you. I told her the intimacy stuff would absolutely remain confidential (im not out myself), but pretending she isnt my friend is completely unacceptable. She just said "well that was then and now is now"She asked what she could do to earn my trust back, I said an apology would be a good start, followed by baby steps and seeing where it goes though slowly. She said she doesn't feel she should have to apologize for something she did in high school. I told her "then if you care about me at all, you'll do the next best thing and let me live my life away from you before you cause any more damage" she started crying saying im holding grudges and being unreasonable, am I? I am attracted to her, I understand it happened a long time ago, but it still hurt and 9th grade was one of the darkest periods in my life, and she came in and aggrivated an already horrible situation. She was angry saying "do you have any idea how hard this was to confess some so personal to you and you bring up shit from the distant past?" I rebuffed with "do you have any idea how hard it is for me to face one of my old bullies that used to be my friend?" She really bristled at that, loudly insisting shes not a bully etc. I walked away while she was hurling insults that I was being immature.

Im torn, thoughts?

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She said she doesn't feel she should have to apologize for something she did in high school.

Granted, it may have been a while ago, but she doesn't seem like a very accountable/mature person.

Personally I don't know why you should be torn. Sex is a very intimate thing and I don't have sex with people I can't trust, period. It's just asking for trouble and you don't need that drama in your life. If you want to be with a woman, find a nice one.

Because I like her and I very easily doubt myself.

To be completly honest, I would shut her out. The fact that she seems to be passive-aggressive about your feelings by throwing up the "you are holding grudges, why should I apologize" strikes me as being very manipulative. Someone that actually cared would have had no problem saying sorry for a being a dick. They would be willing to give you the time you needed by starting small and seeing where it went. This isn't a red flag...it's a bilboard...run.

There is a lot of stuff here I don't know. Did this woman just come back in your life and proposition you? And how close after she found out what you do for a living? Here's what I find to be a red flag or just weird:

1. She announced she wants to have sex with you. You have something she wants. Generally people who are doing the asking want to show they care about you. You have commuincated to her that you had a problem with her past behavior, so the onus would be on her.

When someone wants to make amends, the process usually goes like this: 1. they ACKNOWLEDGE they hurt you and are willing to discuss what they did and how that made you feel. 2 they apologize. During this, they might want to explain what they were thinking at the time, 3. they talk about what can be done in the future and how it will be different.

I don't see any indication that she is acknowledging that you she hurt you. She's certainly not apologizing. She's minimizing what you felt. It might have been a while ago, but she could still acknowlege your feelings by saying she's sorry she hurt you and that she was young or immature and she wasn't really thinking how her behavior affected you,

Saying "you are just holding a grudge" is a convenient way to keep from looking at her behavior and owning her part.

2. If you are having these conversations to the point where you are crying, something is wrong. It sounds as if she is pressuring you. You do know you can say no, right? You don't have to give a reason for not having sex with someone. You could stick to a generic "I don't think that's a good idea" and see if she blows up or pressures you which is even more of a red flag. Healthy, non-abusive people realize someone else has a choice, and they don't want to pressure someone into doing what she doesn't want to do. Abusive people don't care if someone is in a one-down position, as long as they get what they want.

3. "She was angry saying "do you have any idea how hard this was to confess some so personal to you and you bring up shit from the distant past?"

Sounds like it's all about her. You aren't having a dialog--she's reciting what she wants and you are expected to comply and not talk about your feelings because hers are so much more important. Besides, it's overly dramatic of her to "confess" she wants to be with a woman. It's a sexual preference, not something shameful. Big deal.

I also don't understand the part that she would be the only woman you are with. I'm curious: did she bring up that stipulation? Is she working out all these details and trying to get you to agree? She already has a boyfriend so it's not as if she's not having sex elsewhere.

What's in it for you? This deal seems to be all about her and her needs. My advice is to run. You don't have to get into any dramatics, just tell her it's not a good idea and you don't want to do it. If she gets angry and/or disappears from your life, you'll know she just wanted you for a piece of ass and you can do better.

Ignore and block all communications from this person.

If she cared for you she would apologize and accept any consequences from you. She didn't apologize and when you brought up the topic, she ignored your feelings and even criticized you for having them. She doesn't respect your wish to progress slowly and bullies you to move at her speed. If she respected your wishes, she would move at a speed that makes you comfortable.

She disappeared from your life for years and suddenly show up when she wants something, she doesn't care for you she only cares for herself. You walked away and she hurled insults at you, that's reason enough to cut her out of your life forever. You deserve a person who respects your boundaries and feelings.

Don't doubt or second guess yourself, cut this idiot out of your life. You deserve so much better.

She contacted me on Facebook, we grew up in Pennsylvania, she still lives there I moved to Connecticut. She said she was coming to nyc (which is not overly far from me) and that we should catch up, like a dummy I went. As for how she knows, ive become pretty open about my profession, if ppl have a problem with it they can go fuck themselves.

If it weren't for her past behavior I would've said yes. I asked her why she approached me and she said shes had this curiosity for a while, and prefers someone whos open minded yet someone who is not in her immediate social circle (shes a Jehovah's witness). Not saying I buy it enitrely, its just the explanation she gave me.

As for the stipulations, I asked her to spell out exactly what type of arrangement she was looking for (as I do with any potential partner, so there are no misunderstandings on either end, maybe I put the cart before the horse but thats what happened)


Hope that fills some of the gaps.

I would not accept her actions. When you confronted her with how she behaved, the only acceptable response would have been along the lines of: "I was deeply insecure as a teenager and took the easiest route. Every time I've looked back on it I've regretted how I acted and since then I've made an effort to change how I respond to situations like this. What can I do to earn your trust?"

If she doesn't recognize it was wrong she has not changed at all and asking how she can get you to forgive her is just looking for ways to achieve her ends. She's not even doing a very good job of that, since she didn't just make the motions of doing what you asked and instead tried to portray you as unreasonable.

This person doesn't sound like she brings anything positive to your life.

I agree with everybody who posted. She can't even make the tiniest gesture of apology?
If it was really so long ago and so childish she could have even made a nonapology like, "I'm sorry I was so immature, I've grown up a lot since then."
It's very very strange that she can't even give the tiniest bit to you, this seems to be all about her.
If she views you only as a safe person for her to experiment with, not another person with valid feelings and needs, perhaps she should be a paying customer, no freebies for bullies!
Please don't invest emotionally in this person, she sounds like she hasn't changed.

Ty everyone, I have no qualms about (politely) turning down someone that im not into. The difficult part wasnt being afraid to say no, it was turning away someone that I did care for but knew was an unhealthy situation, and thats not an easy thing to do. I can tell she's accustomed to getting her way. Shes like a god damn exstacy tablet, gives u absolutely euphoric feelings but is highly toxic, fml. Im proud of myself for doing the right thing but it hurts.

If you are attracted to toxic people whom you know aren't good for you, my recommendation is that you get some counseling because on some level you're not believing that you deserve someone who doesn't berate you.

You are caught up in a dance that has to do with old problems, not necessarily what's before you.

Take it from someone who has been there--counseling is a good thing.

It is unreasonable that she expects you to give her another chance, based on her past and current attitudes and behaviours.
You need to believe that you deserve better.
I also think counselling might help.

NO.

You can do better.

What's wrong with holding a grudge, anyway? I've got grudges going back to 1976. 75 even, I would've been conceived in 75 and I hate my "father's" mother fucking guts. I should say - I don't so much as 'hold grudges' as I don't believe in dwelling on things. The past is the past. But if someone has wronged me egregiously - I am DONE with that person forever. We are DONE. There is no apology that will suffice, and I do not believe in this "forgiveness" BULL SHIT. Forgiveness is for old parking tickets and people who are 10 minutes late. NOT for those who seriously screw you over.

For those - I believe in "Forget - ness". Forget them, never associate with them again.

On a separate note, since you mentioned your locale - I was reminded of something - the "Long Island Serial Killer" -

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Long_Island_serial_killer

Just be aware, and be careful ~

And what Bell Flower said too.

She doesn't quite seem to know how to own her shit.

She asked what she could do to earn your trust back (a good sign), but then immediately fell back on accusing you of holding grudges, the past is the past, etc. She doesn't seem to want to take responsibility for her words and actions.

People can change, sure. But apologizing, making amends, and proving yourself require time, energy, and the willingness to make oneself vulnerable. She's shown that she won't do any of the heavy lifting involved.

And as bell_flower pointed out, you have something she wants. This makes it hard to safely suss out her motives.

I'd say that if you want a gf or female FWB, find someone whose motives aren't tangled up in their reactions to being faced with their own behavior.

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Zzelda
NO.

You can do better.

What's wrong with holding a grudge, anyway? I've got grudges going back to 1976. 75 even, I would've been conceived in 75 and I hate my "father's" mother fucking guts. I should say - I don't so much as 'hold grudges' as I don't believe in dwelling on things. The past is the past. But if someone has wronged me egregiously - I am DONE with that person forever. We are DONE. There is no apology that will suffice, and I do not believe in this "forgiveness" BULL SHIT. Forgiveness is for old parking tickets and people who are 10 minutes late. NOT for those who seriously screw you over.

For those - I believe in "Forget - ness". Forget them, never associate with them again.

On a separate note, since you mentioned your locale - I was reminded of something - the "Long Island Serial Killer" -

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Long_Island_serial_killer

Just be aware, and be careful ~

And what Bell Flower said too.

I also have no problems holding a grudge. I don't think about them every day, or even every year, maybe. I was bullied by a couple assholes in high school (always guys), and while I don't give a shit about it now, if I ever run into one of them at a high school reunion or some other event, I would certainly find a way to snub them. Revenge is a dish best served cold, which means that years later, when you don't care anymore, you can ram that shit down their throat without a second thought. Grudges rule.

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starbelly
I also have no problems holding a grudge. I don't think about them every day, or even every year, maybe. I was bullied by a couple assholes in high school (always guys), and while I don't give a shit about it now, if I ever run into one of them at a high school reunion or some other event, I would certainly find a way to snub them. Revenge is a dish best served cold, which means that years later, when you don't care anymore, you can ram that shit down their throat without a second thought. Grudges rule.

I am so sick of the 'forgiveness' narrative which claims you have to forgive people in order to move on with your life. Fuck that. Like the 'positive thinking' concept, it's something that works for some people (maybe) which is pushed as the only possible way to live your life. Anger is a perfectly valid emotion and grudges keep you from being a sucker.

Of course I don't think that making vengeance the focal point of your life is good for you, but opportunistic revenge is another matter. There are maybe a dozen people where, if I got the opportunity to do them a disservice without hurting myself, I would without a second thought. There are one or two people that I'd still try to injure even if it meant injuring myself in equal measure. I don't think there's anyone I hate enough that I'd hurt myself a lot to cause them a tiny bit of harm, however. This is my idea of a balance between grudges and getting on with my life.

While I dont think going to meet her was one of my brighter moments (plus I rarely turn down an opportunity to hang out in nyc), im not seeking revenge, im just protecting myself from further harm by her. I want a partner (man or woman), who can think for themselves and dont care what other ppl think and are willing to stand up for me if necessary. As a former ppl pleaser, I have precious little patience for them, cuz if 3rd parties are calling the shots in MY relationships itll never work out in the long run.

For example I had a boyfriend when I was 23 (mostly just a summer romance), he was in decent shape but all the women in his family were really large. Im HWP but have to struggle to stay that weight as I gain super easily; I must watch what I eat very closely. Mind u im mot a fat hater and could give 2 shits what other ppl look like or do with their own bodies, but the women in his family were very snarky with me eating healthy (I was not preaching at all, just eating), and I was having to exhaustively defend my food choices at every meal as it was a constant battle ground. For example I went to play bingo with them at foxwoods and we went to a buffet for breakfasts and the whole meal had to be a huge dissertation on why I wasn't eating the dessert items. "But its sugar free!" My ex made it crystal clear (in private) that he doesn't like overweight women, however he just stood there like a bump on a log when this shit went down. I pointed this out to him, I said I dont care how others choose to eat, but im fed up with constantly having to defend my meals and would appreciate it if he stood up for me. He made it my fault saying I should eat more in front of them and they'll stop, I said if I had a genie in a bottle my #1 wish would be to have a fast metabolism, but unfortunately I have to work hard at it and remember u love my figure and dont like overweight women. He then suggested that I basically starve myself outside of family meetings to make up for the excess calorie intake and to take a laxative when I go home, this asshat would rather I develop an eating disorder than to grow a pair and standup to his family, dumped him right tgen and there. He has since married a more rubenesque lady, plus gained himself, which I suspect was to please his family. Good riddance to people pleasers!



It'll be a cold day in hell before 3rd parties make the rules on MY relationships!

Ladybug, this 'friend' sounds like a real POS. You run like your heels are on fire and your ass is catching. Don't have anything to do with her ever. I can guarantee she'll find some way to screw you over.

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He made it my fault saying I should eat more in front of them and they'll stop, I said if I had a genie in a bottle my #1 wish would be to have a fast metabolism, but unfortunately I have to work hard at it and remember u love my figure and dont like overweight women. He then suggested that I basically starve myself outside of family meetings to make up for the excess calorie intake and to take a laxative when I go home, this asshat would rather I develop an eating disorder than to grow a pair and standup to his family, dumped him right tgen and there. He has since married a more rubenesque lady, plus gained himself, which I suspect was to please his family. Good riddance to people pleasers!

That guy sounds like a piece of work! Asking you to eat more in front of his family is nuts.

DH has several family members who have had the gastric bypass procedure and two more who really need it. I had to back down my SIL's husband who ENDLESSLY commented on what I eat and talked about my "nuts and twigs." I never say a word about what they eat and just eat my own food. I just said, "see, nuts and twigs. Why are you constantly making an issue of what I eat?" That's all it took. (This dude, BTW, tips the scales at 400 pounds.)

Yeah both his parents were overweight his father being severely diabetic. His sister in law was also a hypocritical not very intelligent religious wingnut. She was married to my exs foster brother (he was thin but had a high metabolism so he could eat like a horse and be just fine), he was a foster kid my exs family took in, neway he and his wife who had 3 daughters by 3 diff baby daddies (last one being the foster brothes), yelled at my ex for having condoms in his room as its inappropriate and her kids may see them. Shall I mention they lived at her parents hpuse on weekdays and my exs parents house on the weekends, and slept their whole family in his room, he slept on the cot while the couple got his bed, and she gives him a hard time for having a condom box in his own room cuz chyldrunnnnn might see it, glad I didnt sign up to this family!