I exposed a cheater, hope I did the right thing

A childhood crush contacted me on facebook several months ago, he apparently liked me too back then (we went to camp together).

However he has a live in girlfriend, and he told me he has been thinking about me for years(but has been too shy to write to ne) and wants to get to know me i said im flattered but not as long as you are involved, im not interested in being a mistress. He said he understood and lets just be friends, i reluctantly agreed (big mistake on my part). He is currently going to grad school out of state so we cannot have any in person interaction, and hes a handsom guy so im puzzled as to why he wouldnt try to get a local side piece??? Anyway he was getting inappropriate for being just friends, such as sending me roses to my apartment, constantly talking about his feelings for me over the years, how he cant wait to"be with me someday etc) his messages were more emotional than sexual, which i find especially puzzling......

I asked him "youre involved, where do you see me fitting into this whole picture? Are you going to become mormon and (the girlfriend) and i will be your sister wives or something?" (sarcasm ofcourse). He keeps saying over and over hes not happy and wants to leave but feels too guilty because she moved out of state to be with him and wants her to break up with him (real mature i know), i said "i dont know whether you are giving me a line or genuinely feel too guilty to leave, but i deserve better than to be someones dirty little secret and I am not interested in having an affair you need to respect that. If you want to be a martyr for her fine but martyrs dont cheat on their partners." and told him "you are crossing the line and to please not contact me until you are single, and by that i mean either you or her is moved out of that apartment. If its not possible for whatever reason I understand, but please leave me alone this isnt fair to me. I will walk away quietly and im giving you the opportunity to get away with this, but if you contact me again and you are still with her I will tell her."

He backed off for a little bit then a week later sent me sappy messages about how much he misses me and just needs "more time", hes been into me since we were kids blah blah blah. Since he didnt heed my warning i took a screen shot of his messages and sent them to his girlfriends sister (reason i did that is because i was concerned if i wrote the girlfriend directly he'd intercept the messages as couples often have eachothers passwords and explained this to the sister, i apologized for dragging her into this but his constant serenading was painful and stressful to me and i couldnt take it anymore. I tried to block him but he created a new account to contact me.)

I didnt know what else to do, did i do the right thing?


And what sucks is that hes adamantly CF like me, eugh FML

You definitely did the right thing when you finally ended it with this guy. He's a creep. While he's not married to this woman, he allowed her to move in with him and have certain expectations. Telling him to move on and not contact you are perfectly appropriate.

Different people handle things differently. I wouldn't have alerted the girlfriend. Chances are, she knows he's a creep but water seeks its own level. She probably knows what he is and doesn't want to believe it. He doesn't want to be with her, but he's using her for sex and companionship until he can get another woman lined up. Neither of these people is a grownup.

It may help to remember you aren't particularly special to him....he's just looking for a way out and you happen to be around. It's like throwing something against a wall and hoping it sticks.

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I tried to block him but he created a new account to contact me.

He will likely test your boundaries, particularly since you kept talking to him, knowing he had a girlfriend. If you want to make it stick, you must completely ignore him but it's not hard. Just block any new account he sets up.

Remember, if he gets a response out of you, it's just egging him on.

This is why I wouldn't have told his girlfriend or a relative. You've escalated the situation and it leaves you IN the drama when you just need to get OUT. Look how many people you have brought into this situation and what could happen now :

-- angry calls from him
---angry calls from the girlfriend. If he's a real slime ball, he'll tell her this is all YOUR fault and you contacted him and he can also try and pass it off as a harmless web flirtation. Which it was, he hadn't cheated on her physically YET although he was definitely looking to do so.
---reaction from the sister. It was kind of boundary-transgressing on your part to involve a relative*.

*does he know your family? He could start crap with them.

Just get out. Block them all and be done with it. Sorry you are finding out someone from your past is a creep, but mark it up to lessons learned.

My reasoning with contacting her was to get him angry enough with me that he hopefully wouldnt want to talk to me again. I warned him over and over that id contact her if he didnt leave me alone, he seemed to think i was bluffing so i took action.

I know it was a mistake to agree to friendship, but i initially didnt seem any harm in it, i didnt think hed get as inappropriate as he did. And if the girlfriend or sister blames me i really dont fucking care, he got exposed and embarrassed thats all that matters. Plus its not he said/she said, i took a screen shot of all his msgs to me from various screennames so no one can say I'm lying or exaggerating. I also took a picture of the card he sent to my house that came with the roses (surely she will recognize his hand writing, couldnt send roses because they had wilted by this point).


If it were me Id want to know, and if her dumbass wants to keep him, she atleast has her eyes wide open. And has no one to blame for herself WHEN he goes behind her back again.

And while you are correct he hasnt physically cheated (atleast not with me) he emotionally cheated, and to me thats just as bad if not worse than physically cheating. It wasnt just "oh you look hot in that pic" but syrupy sweet sappy shakesperean love letters (not that im believing hes sincere, just over the top romantic bs, i think he has a future as a romance novelist lol) plus all these proclimations of wanting to end things with her and be with me when he moves back to east coast after grad school, im not saying i fell for it, im saying what he did goes beyond "harmless web flirtation"

If i was being cheated on id want to know, id feel even worse if everyone knew except me

I don't think you did the wrong thing. Emotional affairs are still symptomatic of a bigger problem. Loyalty is not defined strictly by what a person does with their genitals. If he wants out, he should get out. If he doesn't know what he wants, he should find a therapist to help him figure it out (some guys suck women in with their existential drama of "you're so great, help me figure out what I want"...even if they're not physically involved, it's still icky esp. if the guy's partner doesn't know about it).

Go with total radio silence. Block accounts, ignore messages, etc. He is going for reactions, positive or negative.

As for why he's not going for a more local side piece...sometimes people who're starting to develop wandering attention will start out with things that seem lower stakes, like talking but not meeting up, or seeking out people who live farther away because that has the handy inconvenience of geography to keep things from being too much like "real" cheating (at least for a while). The fact that he already knows you may seem like something that makes it "safer" for him somehow, I dunno.

I did say to the sister "if you think im doing this to get them to break up so i can have his golden dick all to myself, youre wrong. Even if they do break up over this I am not taking him, if he'll cheat with me he'll cheat on me. Im doing this to get him angry enough with me that he'll hopefully never want to talk to me again. Im sorry you and your sister are collateral damage in this but I do not know what else to do short of reporting him to the police for harassment."

Im not sure there is much they can do though because hes out of state.

Ah yes, out of state...which makes interaction with you even lower-stakes and "safer". He knows you already AND you're far away.

Hopefully the loser gets the hint and drops it.

But he doesn't get sex, i thought cheaters wanted sex??? I duno maybe im off base....


And as kids yes we knew of eachother and were in the same group for the 5 years i went there(he had later revealed to me he requested to be in the same group as me every year), but we didnt know eachother super well, it was more parallel than interactive play, i can count on one hand how many times we actually spoke to eachother as kids, and hadnt seen or spoke to him since i was 12. Although he saw me once when i was 14 at the mall but i didnt see him, said he followed me around for 20 min but was too scared to talk to me lol.....

So really we didn't know eachother that well, i didnt know even his last name til now (although he knew mine i guess).

The addition of these details only confirms that avoiding this dude is a good idea.

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i can count on one hand how many times we actually spoke to each other as kids, and hadnt seen or spoke to him since i was 12. Although he saw me once when i was 14 at the mall but i didn't see him, said he followed me around for 20 min but was too scared to talk to me lol.....
So really we didn't know each other that well, i didn't know even his last name til now (although he knew mine i guess).

I thought it was a situation where you knew each other when you were younger and then he contacted you again. But now it sounds as if you barely knew each other, and he contacted you to latch onto you and start a heavy-duty emotional affair with you. And he sent you flowers? That means he knows where you live and that might not be a good thing.

Something is off with this dude and he sounds stalker-ish and unbalanced.

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bell_flower
The addition of these details only confirms that avoiding this dude is a good idea.

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i can count on one hand how many times we actually spoke to each other as kids, and hadnt seen or spoke to him since i was 12. Although he saw me once when i was 14 at the mall but i didn't see him, said he followed me around for 20 min but was too scared to talk to me lol.....
So really we didn't know each other that well, i didn't know even his last name til now (although he knew mine i guess).

I thought it was a situation where you knew each other when you were younger and then he contacted you again. But now it sounds as if you barely knew each other, and he contacted you to latch onto you and start a heavy-duty emotional affair with you. And he sent you flowers? That means he knows where you live and that might not be a good thing.

Something is off with this dude and he sounds stalker-ish and unbalanced.

Hopefully his gf will keep a leash on him now