My stepfather (long)

My stepfather passed away suddenly in the hospital on the 6th. He was 71. He was very close to my brother and me and considered us his children. He had been married to Mom for a long time and I was taking care of both of them at home until he went into the hospital with pneumonia last month. He was a kind, sweet, decent man whom I greatly admired and respected. I am still reeling from his loss.

He had five children of his own by his first wife, but this was back when larger families were more the norm. They would be in their late 30s and older today. The tragedy is that none of his kids had been in touch for years; in fact, they did not want him in their lives.

Their mother fed them lies and poisoned things between him and his children while he served in the military. For example, she had told them that while serving during the Vietnam War, he wasn't sending her any money. The reality, as he told me, was that his entire pay was alloted to her, except for a small allowance for himself for spending money. In fact, after he met and married Mom, he was still sending his ex-wife money though he was not required to, which became a big bone of contention between Mom and him until he finally stopped.

Another example was the kids' belief that he had had numerous affairs on their mother. A leopard just doesn't change his spots, and a womanizer just doesn't stop that activity until they get too feeble to act on it. He was no womanizer. The whole time he was married to Mom, I never saw him so much as look at another woman, which put the lie to what his ex-wife had told them. He explained to me that she had been the one to file for divorce because she was seeing someone else.

He also made a comment that established the veracity of this: "You can tell the wives who love their military husbands, because they are bawling their eyes out when he leaves for deployment overseas. The ones who are smiling as he gets on the ship are looking forward to seeing someone else while he's away." It was obvious that his ex had to be one of the latter. But he generally avoided criticism of her, because as he said, she was the mother of his children. Generally he seldom talked about his ex or the kids, except to share the occasional amusing story.

In 1990 he had a heart attack requiring quintuple bypass surgery, and we played hell trying to contact his children because they all had unpublished phone numbers or were otherwise hard to contact. We finally got them somehow and they were in contact for a few months as he recuperated.

But they thought he was loaded with money based on what their mother had told them (har har—he wasn't), and they became upset when he couldn't simply buy them expensive things they wanted or pay their bills. They gave him lists of toys the grandkyds wanted for Christmas, all very expensive stuff. When he and Mom made large gingerbread houses for the grandkyds for the holiday instead, one of the pwecious widdle sprogs unwrapped and opened the box, pulled out the house, and asked, "Is that all?"

Things came to a head with his youngest daughter, who had pestered him for information about his finances, ostensibly for financial aid for university (though we suspected it was actually a fishing expedition to see how much money he and Mom were making). That same Christmas, after his heart surgery, she returned his presents to her unopened, saying, "Daddy, you weren't there for us, so we really don't want you in our lives now." (Of course he wouldn't have been there when he was overseas in the military! Duh!) We moved the next year, and finally got some land in a rural area and moved some distance away. He never spoke to any of his kyds after that. One of his grandchildren managed to track him down and briefly spoke to him on the phone several years ago, but that was the only contact.

Now he is gone. My stepfather received horrible treatment from his original family, but he had us as a substitute. We did a lot of things and went a lot of places together. I was honored to be there for him when he needed care. He told me himself that had he not met Mom, he probably would have died alone in the trailer he lived in when he had his heart attack. In effect, we added 17 years to his life. We had ups and downs like everyone else, but they were on the whole 17 good years.

Here are some morals to this tragic story. Having kyds is no guarantee of happiness. In fact, they ended up being the source of much unhappiness for him. Having kyds does not mean that they will care about you or want to have anything to do with you as adults—let alone care for you in old age, as the breeders commonly claim is a reason for having loaves.

Tell me again just how great it is to have sprogs, because I just don't buy it. And I apologize for the long post, but in my sorrow I just had to get this off my chest. This will probably be my last post here for a long time, as I have to take care of a lot of things—including Mom. Thanks for putting up with me.

k-man,

That was a lovely tribute to a very special man. I'm glad that you were able to share your life with someone like that. I'm very sorry for your loss and hope that you and your family are coping as well as can be.

As to his bio-kids, they have no idea what they missed. It's one thing to be fed lies as children but to continue to believe them after they are adults is shameful. I do hope that their kids wind up treating them the same.

My dad had four daughters from a previous marriage. (well, has, I suppose). Apparently his ex is a total bitch--she told the girls that he never called or wrote to them (when really she wouldn't let him talk to them or give them his letters/cards), she sent all of the presents back and said he never sent them, etc. I guess she also told everybody that my mom broke them up, when my parents didn't meet until after they split up.

I don't know all the circumstances about the end of that relationship/the start of the one with my mom; I assume they came very close together (like maybe he met my mom during the divorce or something, I dunno). My mom never told me much about it and I never asked because it sounds like it could be the sort of trainwreck I don't want to know about (especially if the relationship with my mom did start before the divorce was final, or while they were just separated but not divorced, or something). But my mom did tell me that a judge told my parents never to let my dad's other daughters be alone with me, lest they try to hurt me. That's the extent to which their mother tried to poison them against my dad. I have, by the way, never met them, nor do I know anything more about them than their first names. I don't know if they know I exist, nor what their mother may have said to them about me if they do. I don't care.

Obviously I don't know the circumstances, so I can't say my dad's ex was just a total bitch and my dad never did anything to make her feel she needed to act that way (he could have his moments). But still. You don't act like that toward your kids...if their parent's a shithead, they'll figure it out on their own soon enough. In contrast, my mom, to this day, feels bad if she says something bad about my dad to me, even if it's true and I know it full well.

Thanks, Maus and Kat.

Forgot to mention: my stepfather's ex died in 1994. None of his kids attempted to contact him, and he discovered it by accident in the newspaper obituaries. Hell of a way to find that out about the mother of your children. It tore him up.

He really was better off with us.

Thanks again.

I'm glad your dad got to find a "better" family. It's too bad he had to miss out on his other kids because of the bitchy ex, though...and it's too bad they had to miss out on their dad because they falsely believed he was an asshole.

K-man, my condolences for your loss.

It is horrible that even after all of this time how your stepfather's original family would believe the lies and treat him badly. I knew a Navy wife who told me stories all of the time of the "Westpack Widows" in Guam. Those women were the ones who would hit the bar when the husbands were shipped out. Even if the broads had kids, they would move in some young soldier from the barracks until Hubby returned.

Having kids often does cause more unhappiness in a person's life than adding anything great. I am glad your stepfather met your mom and that he was able to have a good life with your family.

Brightest Blessings, My Friend.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your step-dad. It was nice that he had your family since the other family were a bunch of assholes. How sad that your own kids turn against you.