Children nothing but 'Mollycoddled Prisoners' says Brooker

I love Charlie Brooker. He's my favourite pundit on all things media. Today's installation is a rant about a certain chocolate candy treat that we have here in Europe. They're German-made and called 'Kindersurprise' (that's 'kinder' as in 'kindergarten'). They're fist-sized hollow chocolate eggs which, when you break them open, contain a plastic capsule with a great surprise toy inside. Sometimes it's a little plastic car that you have to assemble, sometimes it's a sort of mini-magic trick, sometimes it's a cute little animal character. They're great -- even playful adults love 'em. But of course, in this day and age they're considered DANGEROUS. Here's Charlie's reaction.

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Children today are mollycoddled prisoners - it's no surprise they turn into extreme sports fanaticsIf I'd spent my first 18 years doing time in a cotton-wool cell, I'd snowboard off a cliff too.

Here's a news story guaranteed to provoke a fusillade of indignant spluttering, courtesy of your inner Clarkson: German politicians are reportedly planning to ban Kinder Surprise eggs on the grounds that they're a safety hazard.

In case you're not familiar with the concept, the "surprise" inside each Kinder egg is a cheapo little toy housed within a plastic shell. Anyway, the Germans are worried that hungry, gurgling kiddywinks might mistake the gifts for food and wind up choking to death. "Children can't differentiate between toys and nutritional items," said Miriam Gruss, a member of the German parliamentary children's committee.

What, really? Don't get me wrong - I think children are idiots. But even I find that statement a tad unfair and sweeping. I used to have a spud gun when I was a kid. In case you're not familiar with that concept either, it was a small metal pistol that fired chunks of potato. Not once did I aim the potato at anyone. Or try to deep-fry the gun. And I was thick as shit. I guess it was luck.

In fact my run of luck was pretty impressive. Other toys I failed to ingest include a Scalextric, several boxes of space Lego, the board games Operation and Mousetrap, and a complete collection of Paul Daniels' TV Magic Tricks - even though the latter included an egg-shaped gizmo called The Magic Egg. Somehow, miraculously, my conker-sized kiddywink brain managed to differentiate it from a real egg. Thus my life was saved by a whisker.

Gruss won't countenance such a slapdash approach to child safety. Not on her watch. "It's a sad fact," she said. "Kinder Surprise eggs have to go."

As you can imagine, the committee's proclamation has already caused a fair bit of outraged huffing, not least from the manufacturer, Ferrero, which until now has perhaps been best known for providing the catering at badly dubbed ambassadors' receptions in the late 1980s.

"There is absolutely no evidence that the Kinder Surprise eggs, as a combination of toy and foodstuff, are dangerous," said Ferrero's spokeswoman. Then she snatched a golden-foil-wrapped nobbly chocolate bollock from a nearby silver platter and added, "Monsieur, with these Rocher, you are really spoiling us."

Now I'm no fan of Ferrero chocolate, which vaguely tastes like regurgitated icing sugar to me, but I can't help thinking that it would be hugely unfair on the company if an unsubstantiated link between Kinder eggs and danger began to form in parents' minds and sales suffered accordingly. Let's face it, even though Kinder eggs are generally bought for the gift rather than the sickly chocolate shell, and even though many of the toys are so ingeniously designed they could easily be sold on their own, munching through the outside to get at the inedible inside is half the fun.

What's more, jittery, neurotic parents don't need any more false scares to piss their pants over. They're already raising their twatty little offspring like mollycoddled prisoners: banned from playing outdoors in case a paedophile ring burrows through the pavement and eats them, locked indoors with nothing but anti-bacterial plasma screens for company, ferried to and from school in spluttering rollcaged tanks. . . Christ, half these kids would view choking to death as a release.

No wonder they grow up to become tiresome whooping advocates for extreme sports. If I'd spent the first 18 years of my life doing time in a joyless cotton-wool cell, listening to some angsty bloody parent banging on about how precious and special I was every pissing day, I'd snowboard off a 300ft cliff at the first opportunity too. Under those circumstances, tumbling down a rockface and cracking your skull open must feel like a declaration of independence crossed with an orgasm.

How did we get to this point? Our sense of self grew too strong. We gazed up our own bums for so long, we each became the centre of the universe. We're not mere specks of flesh, jostled by the forces of chance. We're flawless deities, and goddammit we deny - deny! - the very existence of simple bad luck. If we trip on the pavement, someone else is to blame. Of course they are. And we'll sue them to prove it if necessary.

In a bid to pre-empt our self-important litigiousness, armies of risk assessors scan the horizon, dreaming of every conceivable threat. You could bang your head on that branch. Crack a rib on that teaspoon. Choke to death on that chocolate egg.

Well, it stops here. And it stops now. Next week, I'm launching my own range of Kinder eggs. They're called Unkinder Eggs. And they don't contain sweets. They contain specially designed hazards. Spiked ball bearings.

Spring-loaded razor-blade traps. Flimsy balloons filled with acid. Miniature land mines powerful enough to punch holes in your cheeks and embed your teeth in the wall. The idea is to carefully nibble away all the chocolate without incurring a serious injury. Thrills! Tension! Chocolate! It's the confectionery equivalent of extreme sports. You'll love it.

And hey - that's not just cocoa butter and milk solids you're savouring. It's better than that. It's the great taste of risk.

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"The death of creativity is a pram in the hallway"
- Cyril Connolly

Do they even still put prizes in Cracker Jacks? I can't eat them anymore because they will pull my dental work out. The little pigs probably gobble up the little paper comics in Bazooka gums as well. Walmart had some flashing colorful lolipops I thought were so cute and would make nice additions to floral arrangements, to put on gifts like bows, etc....I had planned to go back and get a stash for Christmas and sure enough, the clerk said they had to recall them because some IDIOT kid got a shock when he continued gnawing on the small battery after the candy was gone.

These kids have absolutely NO common sense at all. I would guess this is why no more prizes in ceral boxes either. They just devour everything in sight without even looking at it. Do they eat the pits out of peaches too? or choke on the seeds in grapes and watermelon? Good God that's riciclous. I guess we will have to genetically engineer ALL fruits and veggies to be completely edible, otherwise there will be lawsuits on the Dole CORP that they broke their teeth on a coconut shell.

"Do they eat the pits out of peaches too? or choke on the seeds in grapes and watermelon? Good God that's riciclous. I guess we will have to genetically engineer ALL fruits and veggies to be completely edible, otherwise there will be lawsuits on the Dole CORP that they broke their teeth on a coconut shell."

You're assuming that they eat fruits and vegetables, which they don't. Unless Lunchables is now a vegetable.

That's so well written and funny! Unkinder Eggs! Ha!

I hope they don't discontinue Kinder Eggs. Natural selection is already thwarted too often as it is these days.