I think I'm turning childfree...

I found this website and I think I officially hate kids.

I'm 20 years old and stayed a virgin until I was 18 because I didn't want to deal with reproductive crap. I didn't want to take pills, or use condoms, or abort, or have a child. Now that I have sex I use a diapragm, condom, and I make him pull out (even though he's using a condom). I want Roswell security, short of taking hormones. If I get pregnant now, I would abort. I'm looking into the copper IUD but apparently I can't get one having never been pregnant.

All my little friends either got knocked up in high school, or had their first by age 22. I live in a rural town and most people skip college and start their careers at McDonalds.

So for a while there I got obsessed with babies. I wanted to make them in my very early 20's so I could fit in. I thought of baby names, cute clothes, toys, etc. Then deep down I could sense I was acting retarded...it's one of those feelings in the back of your head that you don't let yourself think about.

So I got online and looked up teen moms and got nauseated. They were doing what I was doing, not thinking of the future, using a baby like Myspace...decorate it how you want and use it to prove you're slutty! Also at 18/19 I was doing what every person in my town would be doing. I dropped out of college, had no job, so intead of just using that time to figure my life the fuck out, I'd add a child to the mix! Hooray!

So I started visiting childree sites and the thing that really struck me was the question "Why do you want children?" Every answer I gave to that sounded selfish or stupid. I'm even a religious person (somewhat) and using that to justify it felt stupid. I couldn't come up with a good reason. I still can't. If I'm true to myself the only reason I wanted a child to begin with was for the attention, and so I could fit in. Is it bad to admit that?

So I changed my family plans around and said I'd have a kid at 24, instead of 21. Then that got moved up to 26. Then 28. Then 30. Finally I realized I was out of the ages before 35, and I wouldn't have a kid after that because of personal reasons (my mom was 36 when she had me and that messed me up) and the fact that I didn't want to go through an abortion if the kid was retarded. So...I never want kids?

Now I laugh at the 22 year old moms who won't have any freedom til their 40's. I laugh at the 15 year old moms who won't get to do what I do now, which is whatever I want.

So I know I'm still childless, but I think I'm turning into one of you guys. Don't know why I posted this but I just figured if anyone here would relate it would be you all.