So why can't I LOVE my own daughter

It's a confession few mothers would ever make. But here, one woman asks... So why can't I LOVE my own daughter?
By Rachel Porter

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1126422/Its-confession-mothers-make-But-woman-asks--So-I-LOVE-daughter.html

Lack of feeling: Shelley and her 11-year-old daughter Catherine who she 'doesn't love'
Shelley Price can't stop the tears from falling as she makes her startling confession.
The mother-of-two is in the living room of her home in Halling, Kent, surrounded by all the usual signs of a busy family life.

There are photos of her daughters on the sideboard and toys spilling out of cupboards.
But the cosy domestic scene only makes what she has to say even more poignant.

Shelley is about to admit to one of the great taboos of motherhood. No matter how hard she has tried, she says she can't bring herself to love her elder daughter, Catherine.

'I know what people will think. Everyone will hate me. I'm the woman who doesn't like her own child. But I'm speaking out because I'm convinced I'm not alone,' says the 33-year-old.

'I hate myself for the way I feel, but whatever it is that makes a mum want to hug and kiss her child, I have not felt it. Catherine has always felt like someone else's daughter.'

Shelley had Catherine, now 11, when she was just 22, with her first long-term boyfriend. The five-year relationship ended shortly after Catherine's birth.

Yet instead of forming a tight-knit unit with her baby, Shelley didn't feel any maternal warmth.

What makes her admission all the more difficult to comprehend is that she is a model mother to her two-year-old daughter, Poppy, by her current partner, Andrew.

Pretence
'I used to say I wasn't cut out to be a mum. But now I've got Poppy I know that's not true,' she says. 'I've tried to change. I've been trying for 11 years. But if I give Poppy a cuddle, it feels different to hugging Catherine.

'I've tried to explain to Andrew how I feel, but he doesn't want to believe me. So, I've kept up this pretence that I feel the same towards both my daughters, because it's easier than trying to explain how I really feel.'

Shelley's admission sounds shocking, but there is no doubting the fact that this housewife and mother is tortured by her terrible secret and longs to have a normal relationship with her first-born.

Not only is there an indescribable guilt, she also feels devastated that her daughter is missing out on such an important bond.

'I'm a loving person,' she says. 'Over the years I've had time to think about how this happened and I haven't come up with anything that would pass as a reason or excuse.'

So what is at the root of this distressing problem? Shelley is adamant that she did not suffer from post-natal depression - it has certainly never been diagnosed.

Her only attempt to ask for help, when Catherine was four, was dismissed by a health visitor. However, she does admit she wasn't for motherhood when she became pregnant at 22.

'I was in a stable relationship with Catherine's father but I'd never intended to have children so young,' she says.


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'We didn't bother about protection as I had polycystic ovarian disease and my doctor said it might take years to start a family.

'So it was a shock when I realised I was expecting. Deep down, I felt it wasn't the right time for me.'

Her mother, Linda, with whom Shelley had a close relationship until she died in 2005, expressed similar concerns. 'I can remember her sitting me down and saying: 'Shelley, I don't think you're ready for a baby.'

But instead of listening, I felt even more determined to prove her wrong.

'Now I wonder if I shouldn't have gone through with it. I wasn't ready and every minute since has been a struggle.'

After a healthy pregnancy, Catherine's birth was relatively straightforward.

'She felt dirty'
'But when the midwives put Catherine into my arms, I felt nothing at all,' says Shelley.

'She didn't feel like my own flesh and blood. She felt dirty. I know I shouldn't have cared. Like all newborns, she wasn't all pink and peachy.

'But I did not want to touch her. I didn't even want to look at her. I asked the nurse to take her away and clean her. I know it sounds awful, but I just wanted to have a shower and forget all about it.

'It was obvious that something wasn't right from the start. That first night, I sat there emotionless from 10pm until 7am with Catherine in my arms, waiting for this love to hit me but it never happened.

'Months and years went by and those feelings never came. At first, I thought it would pass. I assumed it was shock. It didn't ever occur to me that I could be depressed.

Why? Shelley is adamant she did not suffer from postnatal depression - but a psychologist said it is a possible cause (picture posed by models)
'My labour wasn't at all traumatic and everything in my life at that time was happy and stable, so I kept my feelings to myself and struggled with them in my heart.

'The relationship with Catherine's father broke up soon after she was born. We just weren't right for each other. He doesn't have anything to do with her now.'

At all the routine checks, Shelley appeared to be a contented new mum.

'I lied about how I was feeling,' she says. 'When my health visitor called round a few days after Catherine's birth, I said everything was fine.

'Every new mother feels a bit strange at first. My hormones were all over the place and I thought I just had the normal baby blues. It seemed silly to get too worried.

'Later on, I realised I wasn't like other mums, but I didn't know who to turn to. I couldn't explain how I felt. I did not dislike Catherine, but I didn't really like her either.

'Why can't you love her?' When she wasn't well with teething and tummy aches - all the normal things babies go through - I took her straight round to my mum. I couldn't get rid of her fast enough.

'I would never have let her come to any harm, but I didn't want to deal with her myself.

'I used to be so glad to drop her off at playgroup. The whole time she was there, I would dread having to collect her.

'Other mums would scoop up their children in their arms and ask them what they'd been doing, what games they'd been playing - I just couldn't do it.'

Shelley tried desperately to summon up maternal feelings.

'I did hug Catherine, but it was always half-hearted. I always told her I loved her but I never really felt it or meant it.

'If she fell over and hurt her ready self, I'd pick her up. But I would put her down just as quickly.

'I didn't feel any warmth when I was hugging her and I'm sure she knew my heart wasn't in it.

'I went through the motions because I was so determined to be a good mum and didn't want Catherine to suffer.

'I don't remember any of the landmarks, such as when she said her first words or got her first tooth, even though I can recall all those stages for Poppy without thinking.

'I can't think of a single moment in Catherine's life that has made me feel like a proud mother.

'I can't lie - I don't remember anything that has made me feel like a mother should.
'Until I had Poppy, I hadn't realised how bad I'd been to her.'

Shelley shudders at the memory of Catherine, as a toddler, pleading for affection.

'Like babies do, she would stretch up her arms to me, but I'd ignore her. My mum used to say: 'She wants you to love her. Why can't you love her?' And I'd say: 'I do, I do.'

But inside I knew I didn't - not like a mother should. 'If Catherine wanted to play in the park, I didn't want to take her. If she wanted to climb into the bath with me, I wouldn't let her because I hated being too close to her.

'I feel so guilty thinking about it because I do all of those things with my other daughter and I love it.

'I've read up about postnatal depression and the symptoms, but never found anything which went anywhere near describing how I felt.

'Mum and I had a heart-to-heart one day and she admitted she had found it difficult to bond with my older brother.

'I don't think her problem was anything as bad as mine, but I think that's why she understood what was happening to me.

'When Catherine was about four, I wouldn't let her call me Mummy. I admit that does sound wicked. But if she called me 'Mum' when we were out, I'd say: 'Don't call me that; call me Shelley.' She called me Shelley for two years and never asked me why.'

DesperateAround this time, Shelley made her first and only attempt to seek advice from a health visitor. 'I was really worried that Catherine was getting older and I wasn't getting any better at dealing with her,' she says.

'The thought of telling someone about it terrified me, but I was desperate. So, eventually, I told my health visitor that I didn't feel right towards Catherine.

'I said I had no patience with her and didn't feel able to love her. I let it all out.

'The woman leaned over, put her hand on my knee and asked if I smoked. I told her I did, so she said: 'Whenever you feel yourself getting stressed, whenever Catherine screams or cries, lock yourself in the toilet and have a cigarette.'
'That was the sum total of her advice. After that, I felt completely deserted. I had no choice but to keep it to myself.

'In desperation, I read every problem page in every magazine and newspaper in the hope I'd find something to reassure me I'm not the only mum in the world going through this. But I've never seen this discussed anywhere.

'It's so isolating. All I've ever wanted was for things to feel right between us.'

So, what do the experts say about Shelley's lack of maternal feeling towards her elder daughter?

Psychologist Dr Pat Spungin says that a mother's failure to love her child adequately can be the result of any of several issues.

'Fake it till you make it''Postnatal depression, which can suppress the usual emotions of love and affection and make it harder for the mother to pick up on signals from her baby, is a possible cause,' she says.

'In milder cases, it's possible that a mother with a lot on her mind - relationship worries or other stresses - wouldn't recognise the symptoms and get help.

'A failure to bond can occur if the baby reminds the mother of someone with whom they've had a bad relationship (such as a former partner or parent).

'Also, if the baby cries a lot and doesn't respond well to comforting, mothers can experience feelings of inadequacy and resentment that interfere with bonding.'

Bur, Dr Spungin says, whatever the reasons, a mother who recognises such an affliction in herself must take action. 'A mother who feels that she's struggling to love her child has a responsibility to do something about it,' she says.

'All any child wants is love and support, so to grow up believing their mother doesn't love them has potentially devastating consequences for their self-esteem.

'I would recommend relationship counselling and a policy of 'Fake it till you make it', which means that, until a genuine bond develops, behave warmly and lovingly towards your child and allow them to do so to you.'

After such a traumatic experience of first-time motherhood, Shelley was understandably apprehensive about having another baby, but the arrival of Poppy has proved an important step in her rehabilitation.

'Though it didn't change my feelings towards Catherine at first, it was a relief to feel emotional about Poppy from the moment she was born,' she says.

'I feel terrible' 'I couldn't believe the strength of my feelings for her from the first time I saw her. It felt right. It felt so different from the last time. I can't explain why, it just was.

'Now, I'm so close to her. I'm always playing with her, cuddling her, picking her up. She's the love of my life.

'I know that the way I am with Poppy bothers Catherine. She doesn't need to say anything; it's the way she looks at me. I can tell what she's thinking.

'Sometimes, if I've been playing with Poppy, she'll come and sit next to me, put her head on my shoulder and her arm round me, waiting for me to cuddle her.

'I look at her little face and know I've hurt her. I do care deeply for Catherine, but I have just never felt the same bond with her.

'I wish I could say she was a little brat, but I can't. She's a lovely, intelligent girl and has never done anything to justify the way I feel about her.

'Catherine hasn't done anything wrong and I have told her that.

'I think the bond has strengthened since I had Poppy because I feel more human again.

'I've made more of an effort to talk to Catherine, which I've never done in the past.

'She's told me all about her love of High School Musical and she's absolutely mad about animals.

'I am determined to build on this, so I can make up for all the years we have lost.

'Every night I go into Catherine's room while she is sleeping and look at her. She looks so sweet and I feel terrible about what I've done to her.

'I whisper: 'I'm so sorry for the way I've been with you.' But I know I can't help the way I feel. I can't turn on my feelings like a tap.

'I can't change the past, but I'm hoping we can make our relationship better. I want to put it right, but perhaps it's too late for that.'

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I just post the stories, for interest.. for everyone

Lord, what fools these mortals be!
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene ii

Voltaire said: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

H.L.Mencken wrote:"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein

just dukky

farking moos
"oh, i didn't intend...'
that is all you ever hear.

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong

Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.

I read this a couple of months ago and didn't know what to think. I almost feel for the child but I'm furious that this mother finds her redemption in the child who showed up at the "right" time.

Usually women like this are ones who should have not had children. They're just not maternal, and that's just fine. If I were FORCED to birth and keep a baby, I guarantee you I'd be the one saying, "I just can't love him/her." Some people just do not have it in them, and for those people, they need to think before they breed.

Poor, poor Catherine. I just cannot imagine what it would be like to be that little girl. That moo is horrible - what stupid, selfish cunt. She should have aborted when she had the chance... There were warning signs even WAY back then. Now she's stuck with a kyd she doesn't even LIKE let alone love. Suck it up, moo: that kyd shouldn't have to suffer because you were stubborn and idiotic for not listening to your own mother.

I think it is a mental illness, parents dream of these kids and that the kids they have will be exactly how they want them to be, and then when they are not, they toss them to the side and have another ,in hopes that one will be the one they want to keep.

T wo
H ousehold
I ncome
N o
K ids
E arly
R etirement

I agree, she should definitely have had an abortion. I do feel sorry for the kid. That's no way to grow up. Makes me wonder about women that have kids while in a relationship, then end the relationship, and can't feel for their kid. I bet a lot more of them feel the same way this woman does but won't admit it, even to themselves.

______________

- The human gene pool could use a little chlorine

"The relationship with Catherine's father broke up soon after she was born. We just weren't right for each other. He doesn't have anything to do with her now....."




I KNEW that the real reason was lurking somewhere in there and I just kept reading until I found it. I think that it's as clear as red wine in a crystal glass why she doesn't love this child; It's because she HATES it's father. This, combined with not really being "ready" is all that's wrong with this whore. I don't think it's any startling 6 o'clock news material, but is rather quite common. What IS unforgivable though is how she has allowed all of this to be printed in the damned paper and use their real names. Catherine will no doubt be affected by this because her worst fears will have been confirmed; "...My mum really DOES hate me.!" I have seen NUMEROUS cases of favoritism among children when the mom truly loved one of the baybee daddys, but not the other (s). Even more often I have seen the preferential treatment of grandkyds who belong to a "favorite" kyd as opposed to one who they don't get along with for whatever reason. I have also seen grandparents show obvious dislike to even very very small kyds because they don't like the daughter or son in law, which is evidenced by their blatant favoritism in their actions and comments such as, "She is acting just like her selfish mom!"


I guess that dispels several bingos. 1)"It's different when it's your own", 2)"Becoming a parent makes you a better person", 3) It's the most pure form of unconditional love you can ever feel", for starters. I hope that she separates from this current man who she hasn't bothered to marry and that he uses this article in court to show her instability and gets FULL custody of the younger child and she only gets 2 hours supervised once a month. Then, I hope that baybee daddy #1 has a change of heart after reading this and is at a stage in his life where he can EASILY take his 11 y/o girl in to raise and fight this whore in court for full custody and NO VISTITATION. I hope that he too uses this article as proof or her unfitness as this girl's mum. Then, as a grand finale', I hope that her attitude is made known within her community and that NO MEN will touch her with a ten foot pole and that she dies a slow painful death as the friendless, selfish, and heartless bitch that she truly was all along. CF are selfish? Maybe I am, but all of my selfish acts combined are pale in comparison to what this whore has done to Catherine.

Quote
m4p
I agree, she should definitely have had an abortion. I do feel sorry for the kid. That's no way to grow up. Makes me wonder about women that have kids while in a relationship, then end the relationship, and can't feel for their kid. I bet a lot more of them feel the same way this woman does but won't admit it, even to themselves.

At the very least, why didn't she put the child up for adoption once she realized she didn't have any affection towards it whatsoever? And why did she have another? "Well I didn't love the first one, but maybe I'll love this one", what bullshit.
Fuck her right in the eye.

"It truly is the one commonality that every designation of humans you can think of has, there's at least one asshole."
--Me

While I am glad that this moo is dispelling the "it's different when it's your own" myth, I think it's disgusting that she did not do it anonmously. My heart goes out to that little girl.

Why did she risk having another one if she hated the first one so much? That shows her selfishness, right there. It doesn't matter if she ended up loving it, the fact that she was willing to risk putting a second child in that situation makes her more selfish than most CF could ever be. I know that I would be exactly like this woman - a bad mother who feels no attachment to the child. But I am smart enought to think of that ahead of time and make sure that the suitation never arises. No child deserves to be brought into a world where nobody wants it.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________
"Not every ejaculation deserves a name" - George Carlin

Whether she keeps the daughter or puts her in the system, the poor kid is going to end up so messed up. Her real father already ran off, never to be heard from again, and her mother doesn't love her at all. So, neither of her parents want anything to do with her and I have no idea if her stepfather treats her well. I agree the selfish pig of a mother should have aborted or given the girl away, because absolutely nothing good is going to come out of this woman openly being cold to her daughter.

I think it's common for some women to not bond for a few weeks or even months with a new baby...but it does NOT last for year and years. Moo should have given the kid up if she hadn't bonded with it after a couple months. I feel so badly for Catherine - her mother is doing a bang-up job of screwing her up for life.

What will happen when the second "partner" leaves....bye bye Poppy.....................

Dumb bitch should have kept her thighs closed at that young age - she probably "sees" the little girl as a punishment for it.

And I wonder about many other moos who pretend the whole thing just so they can continue to "fit" into the society's "ideal" standards.

At least we women aren't mommy robots that instantly switch on as soon as we see a chubby pink widdle baybee.^_^

Perhaps it's still not too late for her to put the daughter up for adoption.

It would be hard for the girl, but now that she probably knows all about how her mother doesn't love her, it won't be as hard as having to spend the next several years living in the same house with her.

Quote

"The relationship with Catherine's father broke up soon after she was born. We just weren't right for each other. He doesn't have anything to do with her now....."

... I think that it's as clear as red wine in a crystal glass why she doesn't love this child; It's because she HATES it's father.

I got this impression as well. It is simply human nature. How very very sad. Poor Cathrine, she didn't have to be born. Now look at her, a shadow behind the glowing "Poppy". Nice name, dumbass.

I actually kind of admire this woman. Her lack of 'overwhelming maternal love' that a woman is supposed to feel is only caused by the fact that her brain did not manufacture any oxytocin. That's all. Oxytocin in the chemical that a woman's brain is flooded with (do lesser or greater degrees) when she's pregnant or dropping the sprog, or recently dropped it. The dad too gets an oxytocin mini-rush if he loves his partner. That's IT. That's all there is to mother-love. And this woman's brain just did not churn any out the first time around.

When a moo-face has a kid, there is NO reason to her personal survival benefit -- according to the laws of nature -- why she ought to love her sproglet. Walking around the jungle, the savannah, the plains and mountains dressed in bearskins as we did for millions of years -- It's a drain on her physically. It's a drain on her emotionally and mentally. It's a drain on her resources. It's a drag on her mobility. It's potentially very life-threatening to her. It is frankly NO GOOD for her or anyone. So nature invented instinct and oxytocin to try to ensure that adults were suseptible to the 'charms' of a small bald individual with a huge head, fat cheeks, no neck, a toothless grin, and flailing arms and legs. If they generated oxytocin, they reached out and carried the baby away with them and looked after it. If they didn't generate oxytocin, they probably tried ignoring it or handing it off to the nearest adult who seemed inamored of it.

There's a very well-documented link between an excess of oxytocin, mental illness and brain-damage, by the way.

This woman, without a supply of oxytocin in her brain, did the pragmatic thing. She's treating her responsibility like a job she doesn't enjoy but knows she's tied to it. Fair play to her, I say. And I say that millions of other parents could be equally truthful but choose not to be.

I think the tale also exposes that claim that parents 'love all their kiddies equally' as a big fat LIE.

- - - - - - - -
"The death of creativity is a pram in the hallway"
- Cyril Connolly

GREAT point, Amethyst. Real food for thought.

oxytocinm also affects the memory, if moos really remembered the pain and suffering, then they would only ever have 1 kid, it is also addictive. its also released via breastfeeding, (thats why sometimes i hear it feels good for a man to nibble)..

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I just post the stories, for interest.. for everyone

Lord, what fools these mortals be!
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene ii

Voltaire said: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

H.L.Mencken wrote:"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein

So "mother love" is really a chemical reaction to keep the little whelp alive long enough to eventually spawn, too.

I see.

Maybe "romantic love" is also a chemical reaction to get everyone mating or else we die out. Nothing personal at all to do with the damn partner who would demand a divorce anyway.XD

actually, you are not wrong banshee. just we as humans dont have to follow what our dna says..

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/7815095.stm

edited with link

*********************************************************************************************************************************
I just post the stories, for interest.. for everyone

Lord, what fools these mortals be!
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene ii

Voltaire said: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

H.L.Mencken wrote:"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein

http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/ngm/0602/feature2/

if that first link in past post doesnt float your boat. this may

*********************************************************************************************************************************
I just post the stories, for interest.. for everyone

Lord, what fools these mortals be!
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene ii

Voltaire said: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

H.L.Mencken wrote:"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein

Very interesting, Amethyst. Hmmmm... I forgot about that little rush of hormones. I love how people can make the chemical processes in the brain into something they're not.

There's also a "Godly" part of the brain, in the temporal area, that goes nuts when you're dying. That accounts for hallucinations about seeing the light of heaven and things.

Interesting, but I disagree that there's anything admirable about this woman, because she had the option for abortion. That would have been the practical, responsible thing.

If anything, she was honest and if someone else is in a similar situation maybe they'll make a better decision because of it...but probably not.

"It truly is the one commonality that every designation of humans you can think of has, there's at least one asshole."
--Me

Quote
Seacreature
Very interesting, Amethyst. Hmmmm... I forgot about that little rush of hormones. I love how people can make the chemical processes in the brain into something they're not.

There's also a "Godly" part of the brain, in the temporal area, that goes nuts when you're dying. That accounts for hallucinations about seeing the light of heaven and things.

Yes and it's also interesting how people who have never been exposed to Christianity or other typical "God like" images NEVER see Jesus or "heaven" as is depicted in The Bible when they have near death experiences. I would think that if Jesus or God were fair about it and it was true that a person can't get to heaven unless they are "believers", this would be a PERFECT opportunity for them to make themselves known. Think of all of the "believers" they could convert if they started showing up in near death experiences instead of Buddah, Allah, or whoever. If the whole John 3:16 thing is really true, then all I can surmise is that Jesus doesn't want that particular person to live an eternal life and that's just not very nice. On a similar thought, the severe type of Tourette's syndrome when bellowing out obscenities accompanies it needs to be explored more as as psychological-neurological disorder combined. I mean, what do people who are deaf and who have never been exposed to written obscenities yell out when they have the same disorder? What do boys who were raised among monks and nuns yell out when they have it? It has got to be a voluntary thing to pick and choose the offensive words to bellow out and it has to be done for a reason, even if that reason isn't known. Otherwise, they would yell out, "PEACHES!!!!!!!...."RAINBOWS AND SUNSHINE!!!!!!", ......"LOVE, PEACE AND JOY!!!!!"