Dear Carolyn: Help! We don't like being parents!

Carolyn advises them to look into organic causes: e.i. post partum depression. How about the speculation that they bought into the Kodak moments and propaganda from other parents. Sucks to be them; worse for the poor kid they brought into the world and now regret; but I hope this sort of letter helps breaks down the lies people are fed about becoming parents.



THE WASHINGTON POST

Published: March 26, 2009

Dear Carolyn: Please help; I'm desperate. My husband and I are parents to an 8-month-old son, and while we were very excited to welcome a baby, we have learned over the past eight months that parenthood is not for us. We knew we would be changing a lot about our lifestyle, but we had no idea we'd be miserable every day doing it.

We can't talk to anyone because it's so shameful admitting this level of failure at something others do naturally. We are honest only with each other, and it is obvious that what we are doing now won't work. We can't imagine what options we have. Please, please help me look at this from a new angle and, hopefully, save my family somehow. -- Md.

Dear Md.: Out of almost 12 years' worth of letters, this might be one of the most heartbreaking, and bravest. I can't tell you how many people want to hold your baby right now and not let go.

But as visceral as this is, the crucial first steps are clinical ones.

Get screened for postpartum depression, and do it today if your OB-GYN can fit you in. It might not explain your misery, but it's common, it wreaks havoc on mothers' ability to bond with their babies, and it can lead fathers to turn on infants for "causing" the unhappiness.

While you're on the phone to the doctor's office, ask for your doctor to call you as soon as possible. Say it's urgent, do not take no for an answer. When the doctor calls, ask for two or three names of psychotherapists who work with young families.

The moment you hang up, call the first one to make an appointment. If s/he can't meet within a week, then call the next one, and so on through the list. If nothing works, call your doctor again. (Don't be afraid to go to the emergency room if you ever think you might hurt yourself or your baby.)

When you get in to see someone, tell the truth. This is the safe place to tell it. It's also the place to get new angles on your specific situation.

While it's understandable that you two are honest only with each other,it's also, in this case in particular, dangerously limiting. Your imaginations and expertise haven't come up with answers, and that's not going to change unless you bring in someone else's imagination and expertise, someone with the mileage and training to apply more than just one person's perspective.

You asked me to serve that role, probably because of the anonymity I afford you, but that also means I don't have the specifics of your health, your marriage, your life context, your baby's health and temperament, or anything else that factors in, and given the stakes, I can't afford to throw out suggestions blindly that might not apply. In these most formative days for your son, you need high-percentage guidance from someone who sees you up close.

I will say this, however: Not everyone takes to parenthood "naturally." What's unnatural, in fact, is our society's unspoken expectation that parents tough it out alone. Don't see it as your personal failing that you need to ask for help. Don't do that to yourself, or your son. Call in the troops today.

I have to say that's a good answer from Carolyn, free of the "it just takes time" platitudes.

But there's no way out for the parents...pretty miserable to realize this when the kid is not even a year old.

Sucker.

Two words: Door step.

If those parunts went right ahead and made a baybee without really wanting it, they are NOT being honest to THEMSELVES.

And, parenting is also a full-time job, not something cute and fun to do.

I almost feel sorry for the parents. Almost... Too bad they bought into the whole "parenthood is wunderfoool" bullshit. Carolyn's response was pretty good, though.

I feel bad for the kid. You know they're gonna keep it and it will know it's parents don't like it eventually. They bought into the Life Script and didn't like it - what Carolyn failed to mention is they don't NEED to keep a child they don't want. I think they have an obligation to see to it the child is properly cared for, but I don't think they themselves are obligated to keep the kid. They should give it up for adoption - if they want to, they can have an open adoption so they can see their child grow up.

Why is giving up the kid for adoption not an option? You just know that this kind of thing is behind a LOT of L'il Sizzlers, L'il Drowners, etc. etc. etc.

Shudder. I know for a fact that this is exactly how I'd feel with a brat. It truly sounds like a living hell.

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ETA: Just found this at one of the local news sites. Typical "I only looked away for a second"....who knows the true story. Were these parents in the same situation as the letter writers? Hmm.

MALDEN, Wash. -- Officials in Whitman County are heading back out Friday morning to search for a missing toddler.

Two year old Avery Blakeley was reported missing Thursday afternoon In Malden.

The boy was last seen outside while his family was moving out of their mobile home near pine creek.

Deputies found Avery's shoe in the swollen creek, so they believe he ended up in the water.

A Spokane County dive team and helicopters helped search and rescue crews but had to suspend their search because of darkness.

At this point, authorities say it's likely a recovery effort.

PREVIOUS COVERAGE:
MALDEN, Wash. -- Divers and police suspended the search for a toddler in a Whitman County Creek Thursday night.

Search and rescue crews look for a missing 27-month old boy near Malden, Washington Thursday afternoon.

Two-year-old Avery Blakeley was outside Thursday afternoon, where his mother was moving the family out of the house about 100 feet from Pine Creek. She turned around and noticed Avery was gone. An overwhelming amount of people came out with boats and ATV’s. One neighbor even searched from the air using a private plane. Even the dive team jumped in the cold and murky water hoping to find the boy.

People brought their dogs to search the shoreline as others dipped poles into the creek. The dive team searched underwater but had to call off the search at sunset.

The Whitman County Sheriff says the search will continue Friday mostly with volunteers. But at that point, it will be more of a recovery effort.

I can't believe dad agrees. They could sell him.

Cambion, can you imagine the lynching they'd get if they were to put the loaf up for adoption? The grandparents, co-irkers, other family members, etc. Oh, the freaking out, name-calling, and probably the fact that everyfuckingone would disown this couple as family members and friends. How could this couple possibly explain to others close to them that "it just didn't work out and we gave him up for adoption."? Did they not have a clue at all when they decided to go ahead with the pregnancy? Having a baby is not an on-the-whim decision - there are books out there, I'm sure "Babies for Dummies" that they could have researched before they made the hasty decision to follow Life's Script. Unless they have understanding family members (which I doubt it, considering they had to write Carolyn) they're fucked and stuck for the next eighteen years or more. Egad, what a clusterfuck! The only way I can see for them to give the kid up is if they are both diagnosed as mentally unstable. BOTH OF THE PARENTS. Then a family member would possibly step in and adopt the kid. This is truly a Catch-22, but on the same token, this couple was just plain stupid to think that having a baybee was all rainbows, balloons, googly-eyes and smiley faces. Dumbasses.

You said what I was thinking, maidentheusa. Unless they'd like to rearrange their lives and drop everything and move to Brazil to live like former Nazis, there's no way they could live any sort of quality life if they gave the kid up. They'd be treated worse than common criminals. Everyone would ostracize them, talk trash about them, boldly ask them what their problem is, etc., etc.

I do feel sorry for these two. They're trapped for life.

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cherryice
You said what I was thinking, maidentheusa. Unless they'd like to rearrange their lives and drop everything and move to Brazil to live like former Nazis, there's no way they could live any sort of quality life if they gave the kid up. They'd be treated worse than common criminals. Everyone would ostracize them, talk trash about them, boldly ask them what their problem is, etc., etc.

I do feel sorry for these two. They're trapped for life.

Agreed. They're fucked.

That is true. Honestly, I wouldn't be shocked if the kid 'accidentally' died of SIDS or 'accidentally' got left in a hot car.

Or they could go Brittney, go crazy for a few months and hope that some gullible family member steps up to the plate to take the kid...

"It truly is the one commonality that every designation of humans you can think of has, there's at least one asshole."
--Me

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cherryice
You said what I was thinking, maidentheusa. Unless they'd like to rearrange their lives and drop everything and move to Brazil to live like former Nazis, there's no way they could live any sort of quality life if they gave the kid up. They'd be treated worse than common criminals. Everyone would ostracize them, talk trash about them, boldly ask them what their problem is, etc., etc.

I do feel sorry for these two. They're trapped for life.

Maidentheusa said what I was thinking, too. These two would never have a moment's peace if they gave the child up for adoption. Scary thing is the grandparents could petition for custody meaning the baby would never be out of their lives. Guilt trips galore would happen and it could actually be worse. Even if someone in the family adopted the kid, chances are the parents would still be liable for child support. Leaving the country would be the only option like a lot of divorced dads who are getting raped over and over financially and want to escape the lifetime of servitude. People really need to think before having a child. Even the moms do not automatically "love it once it is here".

Carolyn's answer is irritating. She's basically saying "Ok yes I understand your predicament. You're a nutcase who needs to be sectioned immediately because you, and your husband in cahoots, are going to kill the baby. Report yourselves to the nearest authority immediately."

Why oh why oh why doesn't somebody tell the truth for once -- that having a baby does not make you want a baby. And finding parenthood to be sheer hell is perfectly normal even if she does not have post-partum depression.

Ever go all-out for a job you really thought you wanted, then once you started it, you hated it? Same thing here, in my opinion -- only if it's your job you hate, no one starts getting edgy and thinks you're about to take a machine gun into the office and blast your problem away.

These parents just need to be told they have two options: EITHER buckle down for 18 years and do a good job raising it, like it or lump it, OR say the one and only farewell you will ever say and hand it over to one of the millions who'd want it.

- - - - - - - -
"The death of creativity is a pram in the hallway"
- Cyril Connolly

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Muslimah

Maidentheusa said what I was thinking, too. These two would never have a moment's peace if they gave the child up for adoption. Scary thing is the grandparents could petition for custody meaning the baby would never be out of their lives. Guilt trips galore would happen and it could actually be worse. Even if someone in the family adopted the kid, chances are the parents would still be liable for child support. Leaving the country would be the only option like a lot of divorced dads who are getting raped over and over financially and want to escape the lifetime of servitude. People really need to think before having a child. Even the moms do not automatically "love it once it is here".

What I bolded and underscored is exactly what I was thinking, and thank you for saying it, Muslimah! You articluated it perfectly. No matter what this couple does, they are FUCKED. The only option I see, sadly, is what others had mentioned: SIDS, or little sizzler. And I wouldn't doubt that something like this would happen because these people really seem like they want OUT of being parents.

See? Babies are not all cute and cuddly and fun. More people need to know that fact before they go baybee-rabid and start breeding.

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CrabCake
Two-year-old Avery Blakeley was outside Thursday afternoon, where his mother was moving the family out of the house about 100 feet from Pine Creek. She turned around and noticed Avery was gone. An overwhelming amount of people came out with boats and ATV’s. One neighbor even searched from the air using a private plane. Even the dive team jumped in the cold and murky water hoping to find the boy.

You can be sure that these people wouldn't have done this if someone had lost a beloved pet. All this for some hick's crotch dropping.