Sexist parenting

A survey finds that mothers are more critical of their daughters and more indulgent of their sons.
Links: http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/oct/06/mothers-harder-on-daughters-why

More than half said they had formed a stronger bond with their sons and mothers were more likely to describe their little girls as "stroppy" and "serious", and their sons as "cheeky" and "loving". The report warned that girls grow up with more self-critical issues, and suffer as a result.

They ask various people about their relationship with their children. One, Dr. Luisa Dillner, in particular, made me mad.

I like to think I treat my children all the same. But if I think a little harder, maybe I don't. I have one son, followed by four daughters. Do I expect my son to empty the dishwasher? Er, no. Do I rely on Sam to watch baby Flora while I have a bath? I'd be more likely to ask Flora to keep an eye on him.

"It's not fair," my daughters have chorused. "You never tell Sam to do anything."

That's partly because they, my capable girls, unlike their feckless brother, will do things properly. If Sam empties the dishwasher, I will find chipped plates and broken glasses.

Just how hard, exactly, do you have to think in order to realize that you're promoting sexism? One commentator wrote:

May be it is because it's always always always tougher out there in the World for a woman than a man, regardless of class, ethnicity & etc &etc?

May be the mothers are just preparing their daughters for the ordeal ahead.

To which someone else gave this brilliant response:

Which would be ,perhaps, a laudable aim were it not for the fact that mothers are simultaneously producing the spoilt, arrogant and helpless men who will give their daughters such a hard time

If the mothers of today can't even manage such a small hurdle as treating their children equally regardless of sex, (a) they've got no business whining about 'discrimination' against them as mothers since they are perpetuating sexism, and (b) they are completely unqualified to raise children since they are just ensuring more generations of the same.

I get extremely mad whenever I hear of mothers complaining about how their husbands don't do a thing around the house--I wonder why they married them, or chose to reproduce with them. People should accept responsibility for their own actions. I'd never 'settle' for someone who didn't do half the housework, because I have some self-respect. I always figured women like this were providing a bad example to their own offspring and perpetuating the problem of inequality by teaching their offspring that it's okay for women to sit at home and for men not to do any of the chores, but I didn't realize it was also so blatant as treating children differently on the basis of their sex. No wonder we seem to have even more women now than before who think that they can stop working once they pop out a child, and even more men who think that they don't have to do the dishes.

My SO is an example. Obviously he believes that housework should be shared equally, or I wouldn't be with him. But he wasn't taught how to do it when he was a child, and consequently he's not especially good at it. It takes him twice as long to do something as it takes me to do it. (Which just means that he gets to spend more time doing household chores than I do...eventually he'll get more efficient at it.) He's piss-poor at remembering what needs to be done. I end up reminding him quite often about his responsibilities, which I find extremely annoying. Admittedly, he has gotten better about it, but it still makes me feel like I'm nagging, and that I'm performing the job that should have been done by his parents. My parents taught us all, male and female alike, to perform the same tasks and treated us equally. It's not that fucking hard to do, if you're a PNB, sheesh!

I read this yesterday, and know it to be true from firsthand experience!

My father treated my brother and I equally I would say, however the same certainly can't be said for my mother who treated us anything but fairly: my brother could do no wrong, whereas I was always wrong and chastised for trivial matters for which my brother never was. I have a strained relationship with my mother to this day, and feel that she was one of those women who is desperate to have children as she likes babies and small kids - but never pictures the reality of older children! I'm pretty sure that in my case, once I got to about 11/12 and was past the cute little kid stage and she had a disappointingly awkward, ugly-duckling adolescent on her hands, she just lost interest...

Not surprised.

Moos treat their sons like they're their "little men" as if to replace their "good-for-nothing" husbands (see the irony? :eh?? ) while they see their growing daughters as "potential competition".

This cycle goes over and over again each generation in spite of feminist movements in the past, so no wonder we continue to see too many today's young men being spoiled, oversexed, and self-serving while too many young women just want to become SAHMoos once they land willing wallets and sperm donors.

Too bad most breeders really DON'T use their own brains while raising STILL another messed-up generation.=P

Doesn't surprise me in the least. I've always known that women are usually far harder on their daughters than men.

To this day, my mother will not hear a bad word said against my brother. Not so with my sisters and I.

I remember asking why he was the only one to receive an allowance when we were children. The answer? "because he's a boy". Apparently only boys would like pocket money doncha know eyes2

It was exactly the opposite in my family, but that's because my dad is Japanese, which translates to SEXIST. Women don't count for shit in Japanese society. He treated my mom (Caucasian) like a servant, and he started treating me that way until I told him off a few months ago (haven't spoken since).

He never allowed my brother to do ANYTHING domestic because "that's women's work." Another rich one is that women are supposed to help their parents in their old age while the males go scot-free, and that's precisely my dad's mindset. :mad2

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Shauna's like a gluten-free Jim Jones for dumb, lifeless middle-aged women. I swear, this bitch could set fire to a orphanage and they would applaud her for bringing them light. ~ Miss Hannigan

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CrabCake
It was exactly the opposite in my family, but that's because my dad is Japanese, which translates to SEXIST. Women don't count for shit in Japanese society. He treated my mom (Caucasian) like a servant, and he started treating me that way until I told him off a few months ago (haven't spoken since).

He never allowed my brother to do ANYTHING domestic because "that's women's work." Another rich one is that women are supposed to help their parents in their old age while the males go scot-free, and that's precisely my dad's mindset. :mad2

Although I'm sure you wouldn't want to have stuck it out, Crabcake, if you're the only female it would have been a great laugh to dump him off at the worst nursing home you could find once he got old. "Oh, did you somehow think I was going to take care of you after all those years of sexist treatment?"

In my house, it was my sister who was always on a pedestal and nobody could say or do anything against. My mother would constantly talk about how I don't do what my sister does, and how girls don't do anything bad, only boys do. My sister often treated me badly in front of our parents, yet nothing was said to her and if I defended myself, I was in the wrong and their favorite excuses for that were "she's a girl", "girls like to have their way," and other such nonsense. I always had to smile and be happy while she could have temper tantrums, slam doors, and she'd get what she wanted. She never had to give up one second of her time or anything she wanted for me, but I always had to give up my time for her. I can remember times when she had a choice in things, but I had no choice.

I was often subjected to anti-male comments from my sister, who called herself a feminist, and if I tried to stand up to her, our parents always took her side against me. She caused them a lot of trouble later on and I remember the toll it took on them but you know what, I knew one day they'd pay for what they did to me, and I had no sympathy for them at all. Even so, my mother(father is deceased), won't hear any negative comments against my sister, who will always be her prize child. I have since severed contact with my family, and I'm better for it.

JD

I was thinking of you when I wrote this, John, as a clear exception to the norm. Of course unfairness based on sex is still sexism, no matter who gets the shit end of it, so you have my sympathy.

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yurble
I was thinking of you when I wrote this, John, as a clear exception to the norm. Of course unfairness based on sex is still sexism, no matter who gets the shit end of it, so you have my sympathy.

Thank you very much. My point is that it works both ways, there is discrimination against men just like there is discrimation against women.

I think along the way, my dad saw that it was going to far and tried to stop it, but my mother would have no part of it. My mother wanted to buy my sister a convertible and he was opposed, my mother did it anyway. Another time, she had a bunch of stuff for a school project in a spare room and our parents wanted her to move it to the garage so some friends who were visiting from out of town would have a place to sleep and she, age 18, had a fit, ran to her room and slammed the door and my mother was actually upset that my sister wouldn't let her have that room! My father said "you TELL her this is how it is" and my mother said "What do you mean tell?" while with me, if they told me to do something, I had no choice. My mother finally did grow a spine with her and threated to go to the head of the unversity with this(she should have been given lab space for this project but she wasn't) if my sister didn't do something to get that stuff moved out and fortunately, Sis did.

When I tried to bring up rules my sister would say "Girls don't have to follow rules, boys do." For a long time, I had a strong dislike of women because I actually believed all of them were raised that way and thought like that. I spent many years alone before learning that wasn't true.

JD

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JohnDrake
Thank you very much. My point is that it works both ways, there is discrimination against men just like there is discrimation against women.

Of course it does--my complaint is not "mothers are treating daughters harshly" but "mothers aren't treating their children equally regardless of sex." Everyone is done a disservice when sexism is perpetuated, even those who are appearing to get a better deal out of the inequality (although of course the person on the crapped on side of is getting the worst part of it).

Since I have only sisters, I have no personal experience relating to unequal gender treatment between and among siblings by parents. However, when I went to work for my father's ALL MALE company in an equal professional capacity as his male independent contractors, he treated me like a personal secretary to himself AND the male employees. I was expected to file papers for the men, answer their calls and take messages, as well as plan office parties, call repairmen when necessary and of course juggle my schedule be there to meet them, handles everyones' collections (for which THEY would get commission if it got paid, NOT me) send flowers/cards to their wives and kyds on various occasions, and basically be an UNPAID secretary AND to continue to service my own clients and keep up with my own work. It was a gradual evolution before I said, "NO MORE".

I knew in the very beginning that it was WRONG, but I remained silent because I was still in an apprenticeship period with my father as the legal mentor and signatory on my reports, BUT SO WERE THE OTHER CONTRACTORS!!!! I made it my MISSION to gather enough clientele on my own(he GAVE the men clients in the beginning)and to make MY work generate the highest income before I got any respect. This, while ALSO performing my expected "secretarial" duties. I basically had to do twice the workload and work late nights and weekends to catch up for a little over a year before I was taken seriously and emancipated. I am STILL bitter about it too, but I wasn't surprised by it because my father has a 1950's mentality about women and my mother perpetuates it.

I allowed myself to be shit on SOLELY due to my gender because to gain a good reputation and these professional skills in a male dominated industry was worth it to me. It's a trade off that I shouldn't have had to made, but at the time there was no other option IF I was to break into that industry in that area.. It's the type of profession where a governmental regulatory agency REQUIRES a mentor-supervisory signature-review for a period of about 2 years. In my area at the time there were ZERO women with that type of advanced licensure who I could have worked under. I consider it my contribution to help break up the "good ole boy's club" in that area, that and I made lots of money.

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If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!

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yurble

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JohnDrake
Thank you very much. My point is that it works both ways, there is discrimination against men just like there is discrimation against women.

Of course it does--my complaint is not "mothers are treating daughters harshly" but "mothers aren't treating their children equally regardless of sex." Everyone is done a disservice when sexism is perpetuated, even those who are appearing to get a better deal out of the inequality (although of course the person on the crapped on side of is getting the worst part of it).

I understand what you are saying, sexism is wrong regardless of who is getting the short end of it. What you say about even the one getting the better deal out of it is being done a disservice as well. I remember numerous times in school and at home when my parents defended my sister against any thing she perceived to be wrong against her no matter what it was, my sister was right. I faced similar problems and my parents didn't leap to my defense at all, quite the opposite, they blamed everything that went wrong on me, it was always my fault, of it was just too bad. I can even remember them getting C's she got in an English class changed to A's by the local school board, or getting her out of classes she didn't want to be in with teachers she didn't like, while I was forced to always tough it out.

Later on in life, my sister was a in a position where they couldn't do that for her anymore, and actually for the first time, had to deal with not having her way and she couldn't deal with it. I felt no sympathy for her considering what she was dealing with wasn't much different than what I had dealt with earlier on in life, and nobody got me what I wanted on a silver platter. I also felt no sympathy for the grief it caused my parents as I had actually always hoped something like this would happen, and my sister would pay.

And these so called parents think we childfree people are the ones with the problems.

JD

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JohnDrake
Later on in life, my sister was a in a position where they couldn't do that for her anymore, and actually for the first time, had to deal with not having her way and she couldn't deal with it. I felt no sympathy for her considering what she was dealing with wasn't much different than what I had dealt with earlier on in life, and nobody got me what I wanted on a silver platter. I also felt no sympathy for the grief it caused my parents as I had actually always hoped something like this would happen, and my sister would pay.

Exactly. You spent a few years having to learn that not all women are like those in your messed-up birth family. It was no doubt a struggle, but you are now a fully-functioning person. She, on the other hand, probably still hasn't learned how to deal with not getting everything handed to her. Your parents didn't do either of you a favor. In the short run, you suffered much more, but in the long run, she may be less prepared for the real world. Adversary is good for building character, but that's no excuse for treating people poorly as most of us will face sufficient adversary in our lives without someone piling it on.

And Kim, good for you.

It was true for me. I washed floors and dishes and other domestic stuff. And then I helped my (shitbrick) dad build a deck, fix the car, and other male-oriented chores.

My brother never lifted a finger, probably because my mom was used to pleasing and pampering everyone with a penis. Probably how she was raised.

I've seen this sort of thing and it does happen both ways. I've known both guys and girls who felt their opposite sex sibling was treated better because of their gender and it was wrong pure and simple. I also see it where I work. I work in a law office with a bunch of attorneys who all make big money and I see some who treat the children of one gender one way and the other gender totally different, and the better treated gender isn't always the same.

I don't know about that first hand because I only have a sister, but in my case, she was often treated better than I was because she was the better Catholic of the two of us. I would tell my parents over and over again about how she, and her friends at school treated me, but they would never believe me nor would others because after all, a "good Catholic" would never do those kind of things.

It wasn't until many years after I finished high school that my mother admitted to me she found out about how my sister and her friends treated me when we got into a cat fight at Catholic high school and the nuns questioned my sister and her friends who were present for the fight and a couple of them admitted what I had been saying about being terrorized by them was true. It was after that my parents moved me to a secular private school so I didn't have to deal with it anymore. It still bothers me that they knew what was going on yet my sister suffered no consequences for it.

On the other hand, it did take my sister a while to get her life together. I admit I washed out of college and my sister earned a master's degree, but in her late 20s, she was still living at home and seldom working, while I moved out around 21 or so and was paying all my own expenses. Sis is now married to a psychologist, has 2 kids, and exhibits gender bias in favor of her daughter, while her son often gets shafted. He's already said he wants to leave home at 18 because he can't stand the way his sister always gets her way and is treated like a saint, just because she's a girl.

All I can say is all of this will blow up in these breeders' faces one day, and they'll only have themselves to blame.

Childfree Karen

The only thing suprising about this is that people are finally willing to admit it publically and out in the open, as well as acknowledge the damage it does to children. There can be gender differences, such as mom favoring daughters or dad favoring daughters or dad favoring sons. But when parents favor one child over the other(s) of course there are going to be problems issues about it. My situation's more in line with the articles.

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CrabCake
He never allowed my brother to do ANYTHING domestic because "that's women's work." Another rich one is that women are supposed to help their parents in their old age while the males go scot-free, and that's precisely my dad's mindset. :mad2

Yep, gotta love the irony of that. When my mother had mastectomy, I was expected to help, so I took off time for work, spent money on airfare only to be treated like shit by her. And told I'd get breast cancer too if I didn't lose more weight (had already lost 25 pounds since the last time I'd seen her). Bro? He was in prison and had a friend on the outside send flowers. He was the best, most thoughtful son ever. Meanwhile she was calling me Nurse Ratched when I asked her nurse questions about how to handle the care giving duties I had for her. Decided then & there if the hateful bitch ever needs any help ever again, the most I'd contribute would be money and maybe an annual trip to her nursing home while staying in a hotel to see how she was. After the cutoff shit she & bro pulled, they can forget the fuck about that. Let mama's darling little baby boy take care of her in her old age.

Interestingly one therapist commented on the scapegoating issue and said parents who pull this crap expect their least favorite to take care of them if they are ill and injured and often fuck them over from the grave by leaving them little, if anything and leaving the bulk of their assets to the favorite.

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nokids4me
The only thing suprising about this is that people are finally willing to admit it publically and out in the open, as well as acknowledge the damage it does to children. There can be gender differences, such as mom favoring daughters or dad favoring daughters or dad favoring sons. But when parents favor one child over the other(s) of course there are going to be problems issues about it. My situation's more in line with the articles.

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CrabCake
He never allowed my brother to do ANYTHING domestic because "that's women's work." Another rich one is that women are supposed to help their parents in their old age while the males go scot-free, and that's precisely my dad's mindset. :mad2

Yep, gotta love the irony of that. When my mother had mastectomy, I was expected to help, so I took off time for work, spent money on airfare only to be treated like shit by her. And told I'd get breast cancer too if I didn't lose more weight (had already lost 25 pounds since the last time I'd seen her). Bro? He was in prison and had a friend on the outside send flowers. He was the best, most thoughtful son ever. Meanwhile she was calling me Nurse Ratched when I asked her nurse questions about how to handle the care giving duties I had for her. Decided then & there if the hateful bitch ever needs any help ever again, the most I'd contribute would be money and maybe an annual trip to her nursing home while staying in a hotel to see how she was. After the cutoff shit she & bro pulled, they can forget the fuck about that. Let mama's darling little baby boy take care of her in her old age.

Interestingly one therapist commented on the scapegoating issue and said parents who pull this crap expect their least favorite to take care of them if they are ill and injured and often fuck them over from the grave by leaving them little, if anything and leaving the bulk of their assets to the favorite.

What a shame.

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lab mom