an old flame -- how would you handle?

I was just contacted via email by a guy I haven't seen in about 6 years. I am thrilled! We had great times, but life took us in different directions. He wants to hang out and I am amenable to this. However, we all know a lot can happen in 6 years -- including OOOPS!
I don't want to waste my time hanging out with someone who may be a dad at this point. Should I tell him in my first note to him that I am down to hang out as long as he is childless? I see no reason for either of us to spend time getting to know each other again if I am going to have to exit stage left anyway if he has a kid.

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dreamlife
I was just contacted via email by a guy I haven't seen in about 6 years. I am thrilled! We had great times, but life took us in different directions. He wants to hang out and I am amenable to this. However, we all know a lot can happen in 6 years -- including OOOPS!
I don't want to waste my time hanging out with someone who may be a dad at this point. Should I tell him in my first note to him that I am down to hang out as long as he is childless? I see no reason for either of us to spend time getting to know each other again if I am going to have to exit stage left anyway if he has a kid.

I am curious as to why this man contacted you. I think you have to find out if he's married, if he has kids (as you said), and what exactly his intentions are?

If you're up for reigniting a lost flame, go for it! That may be his intention. But beware... his intention might also be something along the lines of, "man... Dreamlife would have made a great Moo... maybe I should try to make that happen."

Go out and have a drink with him, and state your questions honestly. That's my advice.

I second the drink with him... Find out what's up and get it all out in the open at the very beginning. Good luck!

I say definately go out with him at least once. Find out the details you need to know during dinner, and if he turns out to be a Duh, you can split and at least got a free meal and drinks out of it.

Oh, and keep us posted!

You guys wouldn't find out about the kids before going out? I mean, it's a deal breaker! I do appreciate your outlooks. I tend to be more brutally honest than full of finesse ... that can get me into socially awkward waters.

I would find out beforehand if he had any kids and if he did, then I would decline the invitation. He was a romantic interest at one time and you obviously still hold a small torch for him. So, after you got together then chances are that the old flame would ignite regardless of his childed status. When that happens, you would then be placed in an even more awkward position of having to explain to him why you no longer wish to see him, which will likely hurt him and he probably wouldn't understand either. Worse though would be if he pulls the old tried and true, "My LAST ex stopped taking the pill without my knowing and got pregnant ON PURPOSE! She is with someone else now and I NEVER even see the kid!" OR the oh so typical, "The ex wife is abusive, cheater, drunk, and cruel to my kyds(fill in the blank) which is why I have custody. My heart is too big to allow my kids to live with her. I am such a goooodd person and am lucky that her mom keeps them most of the time and she only gets visitation".

I have heard these lies and variations thereof from childed men FOR YEARS! They ALL have the awful cow of an ex wife, they ALL say that she got pregnant without their consent, and/or they claim to be duddys of the year. In reality, 75% of them don't even see the kyds on a regular basis and many of them don't support their children financially either.The bottom line is that they are FATHERS and WILL play the kyd card whenever it suits them. It could be an excuse that they want YOU to pay for something or an excuse to be around the ex for sympathy fucks. Either way, there will be kidde and ex-moo drama and it is NOT worth it. Find out now before you get re-attached to him and you will save yourself from any grief later on down the road.

Also, I may be from a different time era or background, but I don't care much for the term "hang out" anyway. What does that mean that he wants to "hang out" with you? I haven't really heard that term since Jr High school. If a man said, "I'd like to hang out with you!", I'd have to ask him to please specify.

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If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!

Kim,
I guess "hanging out" was my term because I wasn't sure what to do. He wrote: "I would love to make you dinner sometime and catch up on life, that is, if you aren't tied down or anything."
But I wasn't sure about going to his house or having him over right off the bat since that is a fairly intimate setting ... I prefer hiking or perhaps a drink at a bar/restaurant.
I can't tell from his asking whether I'm tied down means whether I have a boyfriend or maybe he wants to know whether I myself have sprogged. I prefer everyone be straightforward and put everything out in the open. It's so much easier!
And thanks for your warning about the excuses men use (and I'm sure women have theirs too). I will not be dealing with a dad no matter his alleged circumstances.

I agree you should find out ahead of time lest you be swept off your feet in person. Maybe he remembers you as being CF and that is why he sought you out!! We can hope. Let us know how it works out!

I personally wouldn't have an issue with meeting someone for a drink. You can get to talking, and find out a bit about what he's up to, and more or less ask point-blank if he has children. I would probably even say something like: "So, it's been six years. Any ex-wives? Any kids? Any new degrees?" You should be able to get a answer out of him, and, if not, when he asks about your life, it's a good time to mention that you've strengthened your resolve not to have children, and you can talk about how important being childfree is to you.

If you find out that he has children, or that you are otherwise incompatible, you can send him an email later which says something like "It was interesting to get in touch with you, and find out where life had taken you. However, I don't think that we have much in common now, and I think it would be awkward to meet again." All you've lost then is a few hours of your life, and you've gotten your curiosity sated.

I would be sure to keep it a platonic, 'hanging out' situation--I'd pay for half of the rounds, and I'd meet him in a cafe or a (not too loud) bar, rather than doing something more intimate like going to his house. (Note: If you go to a bar, watch your alcohol intake so that you don't do something stupid...I prefer a cafe because of the reduced risk.) I almost always choose this method for meeting or re-meeting someone because the nice thing about it is that it can last for a longer while or a shorter while depending on how well you're getting along. If you find that you've talked about everything in 10 minutes, and there's nothing but awkward silences, it's easy enough to leave after one drink. But if things are going well, you can easily stretch it three hours and then get dinner as well (assuming an afternoon appointment).

The last thing you want to do is let this develop into long phone calls and chats at all hours before you finally manage to learn the truth. That, more than meeting in person for one drink, is a recipe for getting emotionally entangled.

If you're able to ask him bluntly in email, though, you could try that.

i'd talk to him first on a dinner only date. maybe he just wants to be friends.

I think I'd decline the invitation to go to his place for dinner, and suggest drinks or coffee. Then you can both reveal where you've been and what you've done, and if there are kids. You don't have to assume he's trying to start something romantic. If he has kids, just remark that "I've decided that I'm not having children." Something declarative and firm, not necessarily negative. Of course he'll want to know why, so just be honest. If he's okay with that then proceed with caution. If he has kids, he may still want to have a relationship with you. You'll either have to cut it off right then, or make it clear that you're not interested in dating him and want to just be friends.

I don't think this is a very complex situation. People ask each other if they have kids ALL.THE.TIME. If you're not, oh say, a member of this forum, you're probably not gonna flinch if someone just jumps right in and asks. Most people ask because they LIKE kids, or think they like them, or want to have them. Look at it this way - if he freaks when you ask him, chances are he's CF too.

And I also don't think it matters if you go to his place, your place, or a "public" place. You use your best judgment according to how well you know this person.

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"I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell"

:eatu

I take it you're in the same town/city, right? Then asking over drinks and/or dinner at a neutral place is fine. Or if it's long distance and/or you really want to know before you meet up with him, you can say something like, "I'm still single, no kids, how about you?" in your email.

I think the kid thing is more easily and appropriately discussed in person, kids, marriage, divorces, etc are the hard topics and it just doesn't seem like the right thing to talk about over a text message or a computer. Unless you think you're somehow going to fall head over heels on a first date, let him buy you free drinks. If it turns out he does have or want kyds, you're out nothing and got a free dinner out of it, and maybe he has a CF friend he can hook you up with. Ya never know.

Dating IS networking. The more friends you make, the more friends of friends of friends you have access to, and one day when hanging out, you might run into someone who IS your speed.

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law1204

Dating IS networking. The more friends you make, the more friends of friends of friends you have access to, and one day when hanging out, you might run into someone who IS your speed.

What law said.

You don't have to treat this one reunion as if the rest of your life hangs in the balance.

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"I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell"

:eatu

Yes I definitely think it's worth going out the one time -- not sure about going to his house, though. Your agreeing to spend the evening at his house is absolutely a big step further than just meeting for a meal or a drink or a coffee -- a step that involves his checking to see if he has condoms tucked away in his bedside drawer for example. Even if he doesn't have kids and it's been a reasonable amount of time since his last relationship/encounter/fling -- is that what you want??

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"The death of creativity is a pram in the hallway"
- Cyril Connolly

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Amethyst
a step that involves his checking to see if he has condoms tucked away in his bedside drawer for example.

I'm not sure what you mean by this. This seems like a GOOD thing to me, as opposed to a BAD thing. Besides, going to someone's home doesn't have to imply that you're agreeing to have sex with that person. If there's any probability of rape, don't even bother going to a coffee-shop.

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"I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell"

:eatu

That's why I was asking if that's what she wants. If dreamlife would like to hook up with the ex -- I mean completely hook up with him -- then meeting at his place is the way to go. There's a sofa and there's a bed, and they're alone. If she's not sure about getting involved with him again (aside from the kid question), and she really wants to use this 'new first date' to reassess him and decide, then I just wouldn't recommend spending the evening at his place. A tad old fashioned I know!

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"The death of creativity is a pram in the hallway"
- Cyril Connolly

Would you still want to be friends with him if he had a kid, or would there be too many emotions? You could probably do a little catching up in emails before meeting up, so if he does mention kids, you can sloowwwwllly back away. When he asked about you being tied down, I interpret that as having a husband/boyfriend/kids. On a related note, I lost touch with someone I only knew for a few months (and really liked) before he disappeared off the face of the earth. He got back in contact with me last year, and I was excited to hear from him, but just as friends (it might have been a different story if I was single, though). I did find out he had a kid, though not directly from him, strangely enough.

You could always search public records - I have an online search service account for a small monthly fee. I use it all the time, sometimes only so that my freebies get used before their expiration date! eyes2 You could try USSearch or Search Systems, etc.

Or you could Google the guy. Chances are he's on FB. However, I would just take the chance and go out with him, for dinner and drinks. It depends on where you are in your feelings - the minute somebody starts talking as KidlessKim described:

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"My LAST ex stopped taking the pill without my knowing and got pregnant ON PURPOSE! She is with someone else now and I NEVER even see the kid!" OR the oh so typical, "The ex wife is abusive, cheater, drunk, and cruel to my kyds(fill in the blank) which is why I have custody. My heart is too big to allow my kids to live with her. I am such a goooodd person and am lucky that her mom keeps them most of the time and she only gets visitation"

I would be turned way off. I have no fear of developing feelings for anyone who trots out this pablum. If you think you would, then exercise precautions; if not, tally ho!

Run away. Run away FAST.

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dreamlife
You guys wouldn't find out about the kids before going out? I mean, it's a deal breaker! I do appreciate your outlooks. I tend to be more brutally honest than full of finesse ... that can get me into socially awkward waters.

I would. It's indeed a deal breaker. My approach on first contact from an old flame (if I were not married) would be to say/type, brightly, as though I assume he has one, "Oh, tell me all about your family!" He either coughs up the fact that he has kids or he says, "Well, don't have one thus far" or the like. But I'd definitely find out.

Here's what I would do:

Keep it light and proceed with caution. I can tell you really liked this guy at one point. I'm curious: How did "life" get in the way? If he dumped you for any reason, you need to be careful with this man because you could get your hopes up again.

To me, there's no harm in meeting someone for drinks or coffee*. I take it you were intimate with this man? DO NOT MEET HIM AT HIS HOUSE. If you drive over there, he'll think, "hey, this is like Dominos. She delivers." Stay away from him and his bed. Avoid anything that smacks of desperation.

Meet him in a public place. Keep it to an hour or two. Don't spill your guts and tell him every little thing you've been doing for the past six years. Just do the summary and do not reveal anything overly personal. You are happy with your dream life, remember? You can ask a few casual questions. I like yurble's approach. This is just a "how have you been?" meeting, not a place where you declare your long lost love.

If he askes you about your relationship status, I would be somewhat truthful but not overly personal. I would say, I'm in a monagamous relationship, if you are. If not, I'd say I have a social life of course, (smile) but I'm not exclusive with any one person. ( Do not tell him you are sitting alone every Saturday night even if you are and you like it that way.)

If he asks if you have kyds, I would say, quite cheerfully, "nope, don't want them, either!" with a big smile. Listen carefully to his response! If he starts harping on you with a bunch of bingoes, you do not owe him an explanation. I'd just say over and over with a big happy smile, "No, it's not for me. I like my life just the way it is." And you can beat feet to the exit.

In general, I would listen more than I would talk. I'm not going to work myself into a lather over someone who couldn't bother to contact me for six years. If he says something drastic like "I would love to start where we left off," remain cool. Remember, talk is cheap. He does not get to start back at the same level. Make him work for it.

IMPORTANT NOTE: This is what I would do, but I am quite confident in one thing: A guy could be the most Super Hot, Super Bad dude ever, but if he says he just looooves hs kyds, or he wants to have baybees immediately....we are not passing GO. I'm like Shimmy in that respect. Game over.

But I also like Law's perspective. If he's a good person, but he's childed, there's nothing wrong with having him as a friend, if you can control yourself and you stand firm with your principles.

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Lady of the Law
Unless you think you're somehow going to fall head over heels on a first date, let him buy you free drinks. If it turns out he does have or want kyds, you're out nothing and got a free dinner out of it, and maybe he has a CF friend he can hook you up with. Ya never know.

Only I wouldn't do dinner. I'd do coffee and keep it short. You can always do dinner on your next get-together, if it happens.

And the moral of the story is: Always trust your instincts.
I didn't want to meet him without knowing about the kid situation. I don't have time for useless reunions at this point. I work full time and I'm launching a new business in less than a week, and will be balls to the wall selling/promoting it through the holidays. So I wrote him back and said, among other things:
"I would be interested in reconnecting though I'm really not sure about what direction it could take. Unless you have kids. I do not want to deal with that. I am sorry if that sounds harsh, but I can't think of a nicer, honest way to say it."
He wrote back but didn't mention kids. He also called me, but I was busy and couldn't get back to him till today.
When I called, I asked him about his life and he said he didn't know how much to tell me right away. So I just got to the point of what I wanted to know and said, "So how many babies mamas do you have?"
He said, "Just one."
"How many kids?"
"Two."
So he has a 5-year-old and a 1-year-old, a vindictive ex and a boatload of baby mama drama. Courtroom drama and family-in-law drama. Nothing I want to deal with.
He said he wasn't sure how to interpret what I had written. I said I wasn't sure how I could have made it more clear. He said I was clear but he didn't really know what I meant. I said, it depends on what you are looking for. We can be friends, but I don't want more than that. I'm not into compromising my freedom with the kiddy life.