"15 things to do before you have kyds"
Posted by bell_flower
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Re: "15 things to do before you have kyds" May 03, 2011 |
1)Go on a wine-tasting tour at a vineyard.
There's nothing fun for a kid about sitting still and being quiet while you sip something they can't. And those little wine crackers only entertain them for so long (believe me, I’ve tried). Yeah, we know that she's tried as will the next set of selfish moos who don't give a shit that they are ruining the experience for everyone else. These moo-cunts never think that "no children" refers to their loaf of shit.
2)Go skydiving/bungee jumping/swimming with sharks...or whatever other crazy, life-risking thing you’ve got on your bucket list.
These activities are frowned upon when you’ve got little ones at home who kind of depend on your not being injured. Or dead. So file under before baby. This attitude explains why the news stories always say, "Moo-cunt of two died in a sky diving accident today", because if you don't have kids then it doesn't matter if you get injured or die.:headbrick
3)Make a list of all the restaurants and bars you've been meaning to check out -- and go.
Sure, you'll get out to eat when you have kids. But when there’s a sitter on the clock, you're more likely to pick a place you know will get you in and out, and not, say, that new pop-up restaurant 45 minutes away where they cook everything with a single match. Oh, this little "warning" won't stop them from invading trendy or upscale and obviously adult restaurants. They still believe that their baybee will sit quietly in his stroller as the waiter serves up Baked Alaska.
4)Appreciate the bathroom -- alone.
This one bears repeating. Seriously. Revel in the aloneness. This thing where the bathroom turns into a famblee play center is of their own making. MY mother locked the damned door behind her after securing the youngest in a play pen and a firm warning to the older of us to leave her the fuck alone while she bathed.
eyes2
5)Stop being so self-righteous.
When you see a mom or dad struggling with a tantrum-throwing kid in the airport or at the drugstore, don’t roll your eyes and think, My kid would never do that. Because he will. I guarantee. WHA? THIS is the time when the future martyr moos grow into their full fledged self righteousness. It's because of course they are the exception to any and all rules of common decency when it comes to their kids.
m
6)Take a road trip.
Anywhere. Together or solo, it doesn’t matter -- just relish in the complete silence or blast whatever kid-unfriendly music you like. Stop only when you want to or you need to, and enjoy the freedom. The car will never be the same postbaby. By this time they have an SMooV, so this one is a moot point.
7)Be spontaneous.
If someone says, “Let’s do ____.†Do ____. Because you can. They have to be told this?
8)Spend an entire day in bed together watching movies.
You will likely never do this once you have kids unless A) you have the flu, in which case, not so enjoyable, or
your kid has the flu, in which case said movies will likely feature talking rodents. Again, not so enjoyable.Again, don't they already know this? It's pretty common knowledge that time alone together as a couple will end. Don't they watch tv?:Violin
9)Have boozy lunches with friends.
You’ll probably try this once you have kids, and it will seem great...until you get home and realize you still have to parent and bedtime isn’t for another five hours. D’oh! "Boozy" lunches went out in the 1970's. Does anyone still have boozy lunches in the middle of the work week and then drive anywhere? Assuming they use mass transit, why are they drinking in the middle of the fucking day? :drkbddy
10)Feed your minimalist side.
Get a white chair/couch/rug/anything else you wouldn’t want stained. Leave your wineglass or coffee cup on it and watch it not get knocked over. Enjoy it while you can, because once there’s a little one tottering around, you can kiss it good-bye! Mmmm, I would never leave a coffee or glass of wine on a couch arm or seat. They need to be more concerned about leaking diapers than of wine and coffee stains anyway. I wouldn't want piss, shit, and vomit on my couch anyway regardless if it "showed". CSI could probably spray some shit on the interior of their homes and an ALS would light the fucker up like the Christmas tree in Times Square due to all of the biologicals.
11)Have morning sex.
And doors-open sex. And not-in-the-bedroom sex. And loud sex. Sure, you’ll still have sex post-kids. But most of these particular sex flavors will go off the menu when the little ones arrive, so partake while you can. Everyone knows that they stop having sex anyway due to hormonal and tootie issues. The duddy should be happy for what he can get whether it's in the morning OR night, judging by what I have read and heard.:sx
12)Be the last ones to leave the party.
No matter what you say now, as a couple with kids, you’ll be calling it a night long before your baby-free friends. (Trust me, you won’t have it in you, and even if you do, people will talk.) That means missing out on those crazy-fun hours when all the really fun nonsense happens, also known as the stuff you reminisce about once you have kids.
More info about how to party harder. They make it seem like that all that the UNchilded do is get drunk and party before they shit loaves, further perpetuating the myth that the childfree are still getting drunk every day. Shitting loaves is NOT synonymous with sobriety. Do they not read the news?:drkbddy
13)Fly first class.
Everyone deserves to board the plane first (without a stroller, car seat and screaming kid), eat warm nuts and drink free beverages at least once in their life. And even if you can afford it, it’s just wrong to fly first class with a tot (people don’t spend all the extra cash to listen to crying babies the whole time). Promise you won’t be those parents! OH PALEASE! They still fly with brats in tow and they likely will fly whatever class that they want to since kids fly free anyway.
14)Wear as much silk, cashmere, dry-clean-only clothing as you possibly can, while you still can.
Kids can get their gunk on you without even making contact. It’s one of their many superpowers.
15)Take a career risk.
Go for the promotion, the career change or any other work-related risk that will feel too risky once there are dependents involved. You have the rest of your life to worry about income, stability and paying for diapers and college. Take advantage of this time to pursue your passions or figure out whatever the hell it is you want to do. Who wants to spend the rest of their lives worrying about how to pay for another human being to thrive? Besides, at the rate that they are shitting out kids at early ages like their twenties,(or teens) that doesn't leave much time to pursue anything much career wise.
:headbrick Another thing about this article that smells of bullshit is all of this talk of flying first class, risky (and costly) hobbies, fine dining, expensive furniture, etc.............It only targets a very small percentage of the loaf shitting population. In my area, with 49% of all households on public assistance, these moo-cunts likely never flew on anything let alone first class, haven't the access or money for any hobby beyond beer cap collecting, their best dining experience would be the corner all-u-can eat buffet, it's Mountain Dew and Milwaukee Malted instead of coffee and wine, and they consider Rent-A-Center as their one stop fine furniture shopping experience.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!
There's nothing fun for a kid about sitting still and being quiet while you sip something they can't. And those little wine crackers only entertain them for so long (believe me, I’ve tried). Yeah, we know that she's tried as will the next set of selfish moos who don't give a shit that they are ruining the experience for everyone else. These moo-cunts never think that "no children" refers to their loaf of shit.
2)Go skydiving/bungee jumping/swimming with sharks...or whatever other crazy, life-risking thing you’ve got on your bucket list.
These activities are frowned upon when you’ve got little ones at home who kind of depend on your not being injured. Or dead. So file under before baby. This attitude explains why the news stories always say, "Moo-cunt of two died in a sky diving accident today", because if you don't have kids then it doesn't matter if you get injured or die.:headbrick
3)Make a list of all the restaurants and bars you've been meaning to check out -- and go.
Sure, you'll get out to eat when you have kids. But when there’s a sitter on the clock, you're more likely to pick a place you know will get you in and out, and not, say, that new pop-up restaurant 45 minutes away where they cook everything with a single match. Oh, this little "warning" won't stop them from invading trendy or upscale and obviously adult restaurants. They still believe that their baybee will sit quietly in his stroller as the waiter serves up Baked Alaska.
4)Appreciate the bathroom -- alone.
This one bears repeating. Seriously. Revel in the aloneness. This thing where the bathroom turns into a famblee play center is of their own making. MY mother locked the damned door behind her after securing the youngest in a play pen and a firm warning to the older of us to leave her the fuck alone while she bathed.
eyes25)Stop being so self-righteous.
When you see a mom or dad struggling with a tantrum-throwing kid in the airport or at the drugstore, don’t roll your eyes and think, My kid would never do that. Because he will. I guarantee. WHA? THIS is the time when the future martyr moos grow into their full fledged self righteousness. It's because of course they are the exception to any and all rules of common decency when it comes to their kids.
m6)Take a road trip.
Anywhere. Together or solo, it doesn’t matter -- just relish in the complete silence or blast whatever kid-unfriendly music you like. Stop only when you want to or you need to, and enjoy the freedom. The car will never be the same postbaby. By this time they have an SMooV, so this one is a moot point.
7)Be spontaneous.
If someone says, “Let’s do ____.†Do ____. Because you can. They have to be told this?
8)Spend an entire day in bed together watching movies.
You will likely never do this once you have kids unless A) you have the flu, in which case, not so enjoyable, or
your kid has the flu, in which case said movies will likely feature talking rodents. Again, not so enjoyable.Again, don't they already know this? It's pretty common knowledge that time alone together as a couple will end. Don't they watch tv?:Violin9)Have boozy lunches with friends.
You’ll probably try this once you have kids, and it will seem great...until you get home and realize you still have to parent and bedtime isn’t for another five hours. D’oh! "Boozy" lunches went out in the 1970's. Does anyone still have boozy lunches in the middle of the work week and then drive anywhere? Assuming they use mass transit, why are they drinking in the middle of the fucking day? :drkbddy
10)Feed your minimalist side.
Get a white chair/couch/rug/anything else you wouldn’t want stained. Leave your wineglass or coffee cup on it and watch it not get knocked over. Enjoy it while you can, because once there’s a little one tottering around, you can kiss it good-bye! Mmmm, I would never leave a coffee or glass of wine on a couch arm or seat. They need to be more concerned about leaking diapers than of wine and coffee stains anyway. I wouldn't want piss, shit, and vomit on my couch anyway regardless if it "showed". CSI could probably spray some shit on the interior of their homes and an ALS would light the fucker up like the Christmas tree in Times Square due to all of the biologicals.
11)Have morning sex.
And doors-open sex. And not-in-the-bedroom sex. And loud sex. Sure, you’ll still have sex post-kids. But most of these particular sex flavors will go off the menu when the little ones arrive, so partake while you can. Everyone knows that they stop having sex anyway due to hormonal and tootie issues. The duddy should be happy for what he can get whether it's in the morning OR night, judging by what I have read and heard.:sx
12)Be the last ones to leave the party.
No matter what you say now, as a couple with kids, you’ll be calling it a night long before your baby-free friends. (Trust me, you won’t have it in you, and even if you do, people will talk.) That means missing out on those crazy-fun hours when all the really fun nonsense happens, also known as the stuff you reminisce about once you have kids.
More info about how to party harder. They make it seem like that all that the UNchilded do is get drunk and party before they shit loaves, further perpetuating the myth that the childfree are still getting drunk every day. Shitting loaves is NOT synonymous with sobriety. Do they not read the news?:drkbddy
13)Fly first class.
Everyone deserves to board the plane first (without a stroller, car seat and screaming kid), eat warm nuts and drink free beverages at least once in their life. And even if you can afford it, it’s just wrong to fly first class with a tot (people don’t spend all the extra cash to listen to crying babies the whole time). Promise you won’t be those parents! OH PALEASE! They still fly with brats in tow and they likely will fly whatever class that they want to since kids fly free anyway.
14)Wear as much silk, cashmere, dry-clean-only clothing as you possibly can, while you still can.
Kids can get their gunk on you without even making contact. It’s one of their many superpowers.
15)Take a career risk.
Go for the promotion, the career change or any other work-related risk that will feel too risky once there are dependents involved. You have the rest of your life to worry about income, stability and paying for diapers and college. Take advantage of this time to pursue your passions or figure out whatever the hell it is you want to do. Who wants to spend the rest of their lives worrying about how to pay for another human being to thrive? Besides, at the rate that they are shitting out kids at early ages like their twenties,(or teens) that doesn't leave much time to pursue anything much career wise.
:headbrick Another thing about this article that smells of bullshit is all of this talk of flying first class, risky (and costly) hobbies, fine dining, expensive furniture, etc.............It only targets a very small percentage of the loaf shitting population. In my area, with 49% of all households on public assistance, these moo-cunts likely never flew on anything let alone first class, haven't the access or money for any hobby beyond beer cap collecting, their best dining experience would be the corner all-u-can eat buffet, it's Mountain Dew and Milwaukee Malted instead of coffee and wine, and they consider Rent-A-Center as their one stop fine furniture shopping experience.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!
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Re: "15 things to do before you have kyds" May 03, 2011 |
#16: Have tubal ligation or vasectomy...check!smile
smile|
Re: "15 things to do before you have kyds" May 04, 2011 |
Why is it "have" kids?? They're "having" kids. He "has" kids with her. It was before she "had" kids.
Have kids.
You don't "have" kids. You "have" a life. And then you "get" kids.
- - - - - - - -
"The death of creativity is a pram in the hallway"
- Cyril Connolly
Have kids.
You don't "have" kids. You "have" a life. And then you "get" kids.
- - - - - - - -
"The death of creativity is a pram in the hallway"
- Cyril Connolly
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Re: "15 things to do before you have kyds" May 05, 2011 |
Makes you wonder why bother having kids at all if it's necessary to constantly makes lists of "what to enjoy before kids" and "how to enjoy having kids". If it's that damn bad why sign up in the first place and just keep the "fun" life you already had.
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Re: "15 things to do before you have kyds" May 05, 2011 |
Quote
starvingauthor
Makes you wonder why bother having kids at all if it's necessary to constantly makes lists of "what to enjoy before kids" and "how to enjoy having kids". If it's that damn bad why sign up in the first place and just keep the "fun" life you already had.
Because then breeders couldn't be martyrs, have a superiority complex over those of us who didn't willingly fuck up our own lives, deserving of all the spayshul treatment they think they're entitled to , etc. etc.
:bedmadelie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shauna's like a gluten-free Jim Jones for dumb, lifeless middle-aged women. I swear, this bitch could set fire to a orphanage and they would applaud her for bringing them light. ~ Miss Hannigan
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