Advice Goddess SMACKDOWN!

Posted by Dorisan

Advice Goddess *SMACKDOWN!*
May 19, 2011

Registered: 15 years ago
Posts: 6,607

A new term to remember: kid pro quo.

Boy, she really let this guy have it. Admittedly, this should have been brought up earlier in the relationship, but the duhd-wanna-be sounds like a real snot. Go AG! :yr

Quote

Dear Advice Goddess: My 27-year-old girlfriend has two kids (ages 10 and 5). She is financially stable and owns her own house. We began planning to get married, but then she said she didn't want any more children. She cites the financial burden, the time a baby would take from "us," how she'd be starting all over again, and not wanting to do that to her body again. I think she's being selfish, seeing me as good enough to help raise her two girls but not good enough to have a child with. I want a child who's genetically related to me, who I can raise and form from the start. I told her if she won't have a baby, I won't take the next step and get married and purchase a house together. Am I in the wrong here, or is she? â€” Feeling Used

Dear Feeling Used: It's always so cute when a man announces "WE'RE having a baby!" â€” as if "WE" will be getting huge, bloated, and hormonal, and nuzzling the toilet bowl for nine months. And then there's the really fun part, when WE get strapped to a table, legs spread, and we're surrounded by strangers shouting "Push! Push!" (As if it's sheer laziness that keeps a person from squeezing a Mack truck out a carport-sized opening.)

Your fiancee was a teen mother way back before you'd get a reality series for that and has now spent over a third of her life being somebody's mommy. Not surprisingly, she isn't into having yet another human being to be responsible for for the next 20-plus years â€” understanding all too well that "Hey, can we get a new person?!" isn't like getting another kitten (as in, what's one more once you've already got two shedding on the couch?).

Unfortunately, it seems you assumed there'd be some sort of kid pro quo here: You drive her kids to soccer and admire their crayonings, and she'd make you a kid of your own. You're right to expect some really big hugs for doing the stand-in dad thing, but just because she has the womanparts doesn't mean she owes it to you to fire up the assembly line and give you an heir. What you're calling selfishness on her part is actually a sign of emotional health â€” not being so needy that she'd agree to be your baby vending machine, only to end up resentful and angry ("Here's your lunchbox, you little snot!").

You don't get a kid out of her by acting like one â€” sniffling that you're "not good enough to have a child with" and announcing, "No baby, no marry, no housie!" Instead of trying to pout and guilt her into more motherhood, discuss this like adults to see whether there's any wiggle room here. (Don't get your hopes up.)

As for your question about which one of you is in the wrong, you're probably just wrong for each other. Ultimately, this could be one of those unfortunate situations where love just isn't enough. Two people also have to want the same major things: Must love dogs. Must want kids. Must join the cult and hand out pamphlets at the airport.

Should this relationship crash and burn, try to learn from it: If you really, really want to be something's dad, prudent family planning involves casually putting that out there as early as the first date. This isn't foolproof, but it beats the other kind of family planning: planning to swap out the wife's birth control pills for 30 days of Tic Tacs: "Gee, my Ortho-Novum tastes minty-fresh!"

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