I give them a year, tops

I believe last night my phone was the designated depression discussion hotline. For the past two years, my DH has been battling with depression. We have been screwed blue and tattood by the medical community (like, he'd get a good LCSW, work with her for two weeks, they'd trasfer her and he'd have to start over with someone new and/or; his GP suggested he see a psychiatrist [so he could talk it out, whatever IT is that is bothering him]. The shrink only wanted to prescribe SSRI's, one of which gave him a seizure that sent him to the hospital. Did he listen? No. He scripted him again. The guy never actually discussed my DH's issues. ARRRGH!)

Anyway, the depression monster has reared it's ugly head again, and I I spent most of last night trying to get him into the local community counseling program. I know for a fact that these are good people who have even helped me in the past there, and hopefully, they'll set him up with a good therapist.

Okay, now the CF rant part...
While we are waiting for a call back from a crisis worker last night, the DH of my APW soon-to-be-moo friend calls. SoonMoo is MISSING! He doesn't know where she is. I ask him how long she's been "missing".

One hour.

They had a fight over finances, he had to give a music lesson, and by the time he had finished, she had taken off to dog knows where.

He and I (remember, I was his friend before he married her, she's part of the package deal of my friendship with him) were discussing what might be going on with her, when he mentions that he, too, is depressed, and has been dealing with depression issues his whole life as well. Oh, also, the SoonMoo is also always in one depression episode or another, so I never really agreed that she got herself pregnant as soon as possible, especially when they were in such dire financial straits.

While I'm on the phone with him, I've got my DH moping about the house, not knowing wether to scratch his ass or slash his wrists. Then SoonMoo's DH starts telling me how he needs to get treated for depression.

My point with this rant is that these two people should have discussed what having a child was going to do to their relationship and their emotional health before she ever started to try to get pregnant. She is only 22 or 23 ( I forget. Still, too young. ) and has not been in the best of health even before getting repugnant.

I don't know the outcome of their situation last night, but I assume she's alive as she called while her DH and I were on the phone. I guess he thought she might have come over to our house to vent (Yea, right. We're on the third floor and you know, she's pregnant....)

To come back to the topic of this thread, I give them a year after the baby is popped out til they get to the point where he's sleeping on the couch and contemplating an attorney ( I work for one. I'll give him a great deal on the paperwork, lol)

I had a rough time last night dealing with my own DH, but I had to drop everything because he doesn't know the exact location of his pignant wife for a whole hour. (she is due in early December, btw, not like she's due any nanosecond at this time) Drama much?

My DH just called me and the earliest they can get him in with someone is 1 pm today. So much for it being a "crisis" situation in the medical profession's eyes. I am worried that his job is going to let him go, as he spent a good deal of time already off the job while dealing with the depression. We have researched cymbalta and think it may be a good fit for him, as he has a lot of the physical symptoms.

Personally, I think he just needs to go to one of his old high school football games, run into some old classmates and give them a verbal what for of what he thought of them then. I'm sure most of them got fat, married idiots that cheat on them, and are basically miserable themselves. We were both horribly picked on during our formative HS years and I think it affected us both, but now it is really showing its colors in my DH, and he doesn't know how to fix it. I suggested we just go on an all out yell at people rampage, but he wasn't up for it. I know I feel GREAT after I bitch out someone for doing something inappropriate and rude.

NQS, sorry you're going through this, and DH too! Depression is a horrible monster and it's hard to treat. So many doctors dismiss it and you leave the office wondering if you're making too much of it.

Try the fun route like you suggested. Sometimes people can help themselves to a point and need less medical intervention. Drugs are never a "magic bullet" anyway.

My ex had a combo of depression and ADHD. It was awful. He refused to get help and our 13 year marriage ended. I still see him (we have joint custody of the pets) and he's still depressed, still not getting help.

Best of luck!

NQS, next time, gently but firmly say, "I'm sorry, but now is not a good time to talk. DH is very ill and we're waiting for the doctor to call back. I hope your wife comes back safe and sound. Let's talk tomorrow. Bye!"

There is no reason you should be a doormat and let this jerk emotionally drain you on the phone. You have more than enough to deal with with your DH.

NotQuiteSure, I will keep a good thought for your husband. Mental illness is as real as any physicial illness. Job people tend to treat employees badly if they admit to anything. My late-grandmother attempted suicide in 1981. She was very good at her job and still good at it even after what had happened. But...Grandma got demoted and was treated horribly at work -- a place where she worked for over 25 years. Never mind that the execs were a bunch of drunks.

My grandma ended up taking early retirement due to feeling so humiliated. My mother still feels guilty "letting the cat out of the bag" to her mom's bosses. I tell my mom to not feel guilt because she was beside herself and did not know what to do. Mom actually thought these people gave damn about an exemplary employee who suffered from depression. If a moolette-to-be needed time off from your husband's work, we all know that her bloated @ss would be kissed!

Hey NotQuiteSure, I hope your spouse is getting the help he needs. Meds, talk therapy, whatever helps him feel better.

I, too, know someone who is prone to depressive episodes who wants to have a kid. I am not slighting her problem at all...she goes through spells where she shows all the signs of a major depressive episode. For that she gets my sympathy because it's not anything close to her fault. However, I can't believe she wants to have a kid, especially without getting a handle on her depression. If her depressive episodes are not under control, what sort of parent will she be? And also, depression runs in families. So her kid could wind up predisposed to the same kind of issues!

Why don't people consider their health background before having a kid???

Thank you all for your concern. DH had an intake appointment yesterday with our local counseling service. They gave him a two week supply of Effexor CR. He also has an appt for today with a psychiatrist's nurse (again, sort of an intake thing until his appt. with the real shrink on the 30th). This is the psychiatrist that was recommended by my GP, after the one that he was going to kept screwing him (not sending necessary paperwork to his job so he could get into a different position that would accomodate his IBS issues). Since his employer knows he had a lot of trouble with the last set of doctors/psychiatrists, they are being very accomodating. They are aware that the depression was not properly treated to begin with. Basically, they're understanding about it. I hope so, because we need the benefits more than anything.

BTW, I did get in touch with my APW friend, so she is obviously still alive. She is saying that she wants NATURAL childbirth, with an epidural as a last resort. God, I wish I had a tape recorder for that statement for my "famous last words" files. She also said and her exact words were "I don't know what I'm going to do when this baby comes out." WTF!? It took every part of my being to not say what I wanted to say, which was basically, "You need to grow up and realize that life is not all Jesus and sunshine." Her DH is also going to counseling as well. I do hope they work things out and it seems most of their problems are financial, but FFS, she should have put more thought into things before getting herself knocked up. Well, at least they are married and do care for each other. They are also not of a materialistic mindset, I'll give that to them.

I hope your hubby will be alright, NotQuiteSure - and I'm glad his employer is understanding. That is pretty rare.

I seriously don't get why people think they should have kyds even though they have serious mental issues. If you can't take care of yourself, you can't take care of and raise a kyd - plain and simple.

Back in '03, I worked with a woman who was diagnosed as "schizoid". She was on medication and was always imbalanced due to thinking she go off her precriptions. The woman felt that marriage and a baby would "cure" her. She was of a culture where arranged marriages were the norm. She had her pic and a short bio posted on an India marriage site. Sure...she got tons of answers but many of the Indian fellows want passage to the United States. From what I hear, the woman did NOT get married and is still with relatives in NYC...thankfully. Her MO was to NOT tell a husband of her mental illness. The sad thing is that her mom was also mentally ill and could hardly parent my friend. Also, her dad heavily resented having a wife who could barely function along with a daughter that he had to bail out financially despite his meager means. How could this lady believe that it would be "different" for her????

Again, thanks for the good thoughts. I think the reason his employer is being so kind is that they are a mail order prescription company. They are probably already aware that mental illness IS a real disorder, and not something people make up to get out of work.

I did tell DH that he needs to get his activity level up. Since we live right next to the local university's gym, I told him to go over and scope out their work-out room, as during the day, you don't need a student ID to get in. I truly believe he NEEDS to get his heart rate up. His physical condition is deteriorating rapidly, but his fatigue is so bad, he doesn't want to do anything more than sleep, eat (he eats when he's depressed, I fast when I'm depressed. I've become his diet nazi now, and I feel awful about it), or watch the Price is Right. I don't want to make him feel worse than he already does, but if he can't motivate himself, then it's up to me.

Geesh, I really made this thread all about me and not childfree. Sorry for that. I'm still not getting knocked up, though. No way.

I have read that there is a connection between mood and physical exercise. I bet the endorphins would help him. Is there anything the 2 of you could do together, like dance lessons or hiking or tennis or tandem bike riding?

CFScorpio Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I have read that there is a connection between
> mood and physical exercise. I bet the endorphins
> would help him. Is there anything the 2 of you
> could do together, like dance lessons or hiking or
> tennis or tandem bike riding?

I agree, CF. I will admit that I am lazy myself. I don't have any weight issues myself, but DH was a fat kid. When we met, he was quite trim but then my cooking changed that pretty quickly.

We can't really do the bike thing right now, as we don't have a safe place to store them if we had them. I've suggested getting out of the house more, but agoraphobia has a way of keeping us inside lol. I've tried to convince him to take up karate again, but to no avail. Horse/water/drink, yanno?

Hopefully, the meds will kick in and he will get a new outlook on things. He did say that the intake nurse at the psychiatrist's office was floored when he heard of the way we were treated by previous medical professionals. I think he just needs someone to take him seriously.

The weather is nice now, with the fall colors coming in full, so I hope to get him out on a trail soon. Tomorrow we are going to our local brewery's Oktoberfest! He will be the Des. Driver, and we'll be hanging out with HIS friends! Honestly, we don't get out much. We used to go dancing to this fabulous local reggae gig, but the lead singer pissed us off (this is the gig our friend, the APW's DH played bass for) and we haven't been back since. It's a pity, too, as dancing for an hour straight would really get us both in a great mood and give us both a great workout. But we don't go to dance clubs or anything like that. We're such nerds.

Your DH is lucky to have such a supportive partner, and work place. Hopefully the antidepressant/painkiller will be of some help. Remember to take care of yourself too, though. Do whatever you need to do to keep your mood up! I've dealt with depression issues most of my life and believe simple excersise is a great help. Just being outside and walking around slowly with a caring person can do alot to help raise ones mood. Excersise will also strengthen the body and maybe even help with some of the physical symptoms. I always found that taking the effort to find a nice, natural outdoor setting was the best, but that's just me. Nature makes no judgements and it's just harder to work yourself deeper into your depression when surrounded by a fantastic landscape.

I just found that it is alot easier to get deeply entrenched in your own depression when you're lying in bed or stuck to the couch watching the bad teevee. In that state you have a lot of time to beat yourself down and get yourself to a point where you don't even feel worthy of the air you're breathing. Then, really, what's the point of doing anything.

"It truly is the one commonality that every designation of humans you can think of has, there's at least one asshole."
--Me