Ever feel like a CF anthropologist?

Over time I've learned that some friendships can survive the arrival of children, but that most do not. If it's a good friend, I am willing to cut lots of slack the first few years...not be their doormat or anything, but I do get that I'll see less of those friends for a bit, because those first few years are just horrific. After that, they come up for air, and I can see if we're still compatible as friends. BNP = boot. In some cases, PNB doesn't always work, either, because even though they're effective parents who aren't raising lil sociopaths, we just don't have as much in common anymore.

As a result, I kind of sit back and wait. And this "observation time" has sometimes made me feel like a social scientist, studying the Parent Tribe on some far-off locale. It's kinda funny, actually. Anyone else get that feeling?

There's one person I knew in college who has two preschool age kids, and I can tell that we won't ever be the friends we were. She's not a user, or a welfare mooch, or anything...we just don't have anything to say, and she's waaaaaay too damn kid-centric for me. What amazes me, though, is how she spins *everything*. She'll describe something that sounds to me like your basic average toddler meltdown or something simple, and she'll dissect it at length on FB with her mommy friends, going on about language development and independence and brain growth, etc etc. Seriously, what happened is that your kid didn't get her way, and because she's more developed than she was, she is now aware of how not getting one's way can suck. And tantrums occur when she can't deal. It's not that complicated.

And this same gal is the walking poster child for the "not me, it'll be different". She and I had conversations years back about how working mothers always wind up short on something, either work or parent time. Then she went and had kids a decade or so later, and is shocked...SHOCKED...at how frustrating being a working mom can be! How she feels like she's got two jobs, how she worries that she's missing out, how she doesn't want them to grow up, blah blah blah.

I have to add, there's often a layer of 'better you than me' or good ol' schadenfreude mixed in at times, too.

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randomcfchick
What amazes me, though, is how she spins *everything*. She'll describe something that sounds to me like your basic average toddler meltdown or something simple, and she'll dissect it at length on FB with her mommy friends, going on about language development and independence and brain growth, etc etc. Seriously, what happened is that your kid didn't get her way, and because she's more developed than she was, she is now aware of how not getting one's way can suck. And tantrums occur when she can't deal. It's not that complicated.

I totally agree with this. It's a matter of taking command and providing training, of associating certain behaviour with certain consequences. No one will ever convince me that there's all this extensive child development theory behind it instead.

I always feel this way, and my friends who don't have children are wanna-breeders. That's why I enjoy coming here so much.

I'm continuously baffled by parental behavior - all of the psychological ramifications, the "struggle" to either bend to what society dictates or be an "indie" parent.

People used to just be parents, good or bad. Now it's all about "parenting" and all of the books, social media and general bullshit that people with children can consume. I feel like it's all an act for somebody.

Being fairly young (23), only one of my friends have a child. I do consider him a PNB though.

He never drags his kid into conversations unless it's relevant or I ask about her. He still has the same interests and sense of humor, in short, he still has a life outside of the kid.

He also knows I'm not really comfortable around children and never forces his daughter on me. If he invites me over he suggests I come after she has gone to bed etc etc.

I've met his daughter and she's relatively well behaved, you know, for a kid, and when we talk or hang out I ask him how she's doing and so on, we talk a bit about it and then we move on to other topics.

I don't know if it's different with men than with women (since I have few female friends) when they have kids, that they don't let their whole identity become mommy/daddy or whatever.

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Snark Shark
" the Parent Tribe "

"A primitive people, often covered in grime. They tend to live in villages known as "Suburbia". While their numbers seem to be growing, their very own overpopulation could eventually lead to their extinction."

larious

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Snark Shark
"how she doesn't want them to grow up"

WHY THE FUCK NOT???? SOLVES ALL THE PROBLEMS!!!!

I know, right!? And isn't it the goal of having kids? Producing people who GROW UP and become adults eventually?? This is one area where I really appreciate my PNB friend...she's commented on how parents need to step the hell back sometimes and remember what their actual job is. I swear she's just about the last person on Earth who wants kids who aren't co-dependent wusses.

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night owl

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randomcfchick
What amazes me, though, is how she spins *everything*. She'll describe something that sounds to me like your basic average toddler meltdown or something simple, and she'll dissect it at length on FB with her mommy friends, going on about language development and independence and brain growth, etc etc. Seriously, what happened is that your kid didn't get her way, and because she's more developed than she was, she is now aware of how not getting one's way can suck. And tantrums occur when she can't deal. It's not that complicated.

I totally agree with this. It's a matter of taking command and providing training, of associating certain behaviour with certain consequences. No one will ever convince me that there's all this extensive child development theory behind it instead.

Oh there's development behind it all right. The kid's thinking may be more advanced, but that doesn't always make the behavior complex to deal with. It's a tantrum. Tantrums continue as long as tantrums work. If the kid doesn't get what she wants from the tantrum, she's a whole lot less likely to continue with it. No need for her big FB discussion about ivory-tower child development stuff. It is background, pure and simple.