God Provided Fundie Famblee with a New Dining Room Table:rolleyes2

http://aboverubies.org/en/articles/english-language/can-god-provide/1049-can-god-provide-a-new-dining-table


I am stuck on RIDICULOUS fundie stories from that "Above Rubies" Christian fundamentalist-Quiverful site today!


We were in need of a new dining table, but as anyone with more than 1.8 children knows, you need a large table for a large family, especially when you practice hospitality. A few years ago Marty decided he would like to build us one with a slab of plywood (4ft x 8ft) on two large pedestals. I thought this was a story about GOD providing them with a NEW dining room table. Somehow, it doesn't sound like quite as big of a miracle when "Marty" threw one together out of cheap plywood and two stacks of concrete blocks

I decided that when he built it that I would tile it, but the tiles we liked were $3.00 each or more. The edging tiles were over $2.00 each and we needed "lots and lots" of them. So far, I can't tell where God has had ANYTHING to do with this table. Also, why doesn't she just sew up the edges of an old sheet and use it as a table cloth instead of worrying with tile? I thought they didn't need very much and that it was sinful to covet things like fancy tiled dining room tables and whatnot.

Here's the story. Christmas '02, Marty's brother gave us a gift card to Home Depot and Martin bought all of the wood with the card, but we still didn't have the tiles. Last year on our anniversary, as Martin was getting ready to leave work, he heard a guy from the factory next door throw something into the dumpster with a "clang." It was some tile scraps, the same tile we had wanted to buy. Praise the Lord, there was enough to cover the whole plywood. I can only imagine how shitty a bunch of tile scraps someone threw away would look glued on top of some plywood.

All we needed now were the bull-nose edged tiles. This past Christmas '03, Martin's boss gave him a Home Depot gift card and we decided to purchase the edge tiles. I noted the tiles were $2.19 each but then noticed a whole box of them with just the right number of tiles. I bought the grout, liquid nails and everything I needed. When I got up to the cash register, the cashier said, "These are ringing up wrong, it is supposed to be $1.00 each on these tiles."
"No, they are $2.19," I replied. "It says so on the shelf." GOD, STFU and take the discount! How does she not know God didn't have a hand in the cashier's apparent mistake?

She called the manager who apologized, gave me the $1.00 tile price and a 10% discount for "ringing it up wrongly." I now have a balance on my Home Depot card and a lovely marble-covered mosaic table. The coolest part is that God provided it all. Yeah, God provided it alright along with 2 happen chance gift cards spanning a two-three year time period, dumpster diving for scraps by her husband, and a recently discounted item at Lowe's because NO ONE ELSE wanted that cheap looking shitty tile. Had she waited a day or two she may have gotten it for 50 cents per tile since it was obviously heading for the clearance aisle. These people kill me how they read, "God provided it!" into everything regardless of how ridiculously fabricated and exaggerated it sounds :smn

KIMBERLY EDDY

Fostoria, Michigan, USA

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If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!

The nerve of these people. You notice how the most vocal proponents of prayer for materialistic things are broke-ass losers? Don't take that extra part-time job, because the Lord will provide!

I'd tell her that while the Lord was busy working on your shitty table, he let 100 children die.

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"[GFG's pregnancy is] kind of like at the stables where that one dumb, ugly-ass mare broke out of her corral one day and got herself screwed by the equally fugly colt that was due to be gelded the same afternoon."- Shiny

I bet those "happenstance" gift cards came because the cow was bleating and lowing to anyone within listening range at how they would just LOVE some tile for their redneck dining table, but that tile is so expensive and the Lord just hadn't seen it fit yet to bless them with it, don'cha know.

PRAYZE JAYSUS

I happen to be personally very religious and stories like this just kill me.

They're basically junk science in that they only get told after a satisfying end result which is the traced back to G-d. It reminds me of Catholics who violate the Church's teachings on assisted reproduction by deciding it's ok because "He created the technology."

There was a great article in "The Onion" once that said "G-d hears child's prayer, says no."

The Lord said: CABLE SPOOLS! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE! ARE YOU BLIND! CABLE SPOOLS! I SENT YOU CABLE SPOOLS!

There is none so blind as he who will not see.

Tiling is often utilized in Islamic Art. They're praising the wrong God.

ALLAHU AKBAR!

You just HAVE to love how a being for whom there's no evidence gets the credit for what people choose to do.

They thank God when their family members are cured of illnesses, not the doctors who spent years in school.

I have noticed how honest religious people NEVER bleats this idiocy.

Of course, "God" provided. *eyerolls*

_______________________

“I was talking about children that have not been properly house-trained. Left to their own impulses and indulged by doting or careless parents almost all children are yahoos. Loud, selfish, cruel, unaffectionate, jealous, perpetually striving for attention, empty-headed, for ever prating or if words fail them simply bawling, their voices grown huge from daily practice: the very worst company in the world. But what I dislike even more than the natural child is the affected child, the hulking oaf of seven or eight that skips heavily about with her hands dangling in front of her -- a little squirrel or bunny-rabbit -- and prattling away in a baby's voice.”


― Patrick O'Brian, The Truelove


lib'-er-ty: the freedom given to you to make the wrong decision, based on the reasoned belief that you will normally make the right one.

God provides very slowly if it took them years to build a new table. Then again, when you are waiting for the neighbor to throw out scraps and go dumpster diving, I guess you have to be a patient person.

Funny how "god" would have provided a whole lot sooner had they chosen to actually get jobs so they could buy a table rather than constructing one out of dump refuse. Do they wait for "god" to drop unwanted food on their doorstep too?

Have you ever noticed that the Quiverful types are the poorest people in a church? It isn't that having ten kids drove them to bankruptcy. They were poor before they ever got married and started reproducing. It's always some part time handyman, too, never a banker, lawyer, or teacher. I guess the educated, better off churchgoers are smart enough to limit their family size.

There was a couple at an Assembly of God church we attended in Orlando during the 90s. They weren't poor. They were PORE! Yep, he was a part time handyman. They had ten children, and wanted more! That mother had the widest hips of any non-obese woman I've ever seen, and based on the stiff way she walked, they were permanently dislocated. They weren't Quiverful. They had been hippies and the only thing that changed is they cut their hair.

I have my complaints with the Southern Baptists, but I don't recall them ever saying crap like this (that may have changed; it's been 30 years since I was a Baptist). They were kind people who wanted to help, but their idea of helping was either "I have more work than I can handle. If you can swing a hammer, I have a job for you." or "I have a twelve seater table in my garage. You'd be doing me a favor if you picked it up." In other words, some effort was required on the other person's part.

If God provided any of that table, it was out of pity and he grew weary of facepalming over them!

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Nathan, you and I have similar backgrounds as far as having been raised in fundamentalist churches in the south! I offer my condolences!


One of the "God will provide" Famblees at My Childhood Church
You are right about the famblees with a bunch of kids having started out "PORE", the duddy is ALWAYS a handyman with no formal education or practical skills or talent of any type, and the cows are ALWAYS "stay at home" Moos because God wants them to be home makers. They all also have the, "God will provide" philosophy and continually spout that off AS they accept hand outs on a regular basis. They are also always on the dole, subsist on any and all handouts from every charity they can as well as they take, take, and take from the church and/or church members. I vividly recall one such family, among many, who had SEVEN kids ranging in age from about 5 to 14.

They lived, rent free, in an old run down parsonage behind the church which had been there before the newest church had been built in it's place. It was probably built in, and never saw a coat of paint since, I'd guess 1930 and this was the late 70's. I recall that parsonage had 3 bedrooms, so God only knows where all those kids slept.

Fat GLUTTONS
That bunch was the reason we had to cease with the "pot luck" Wednesday night meals because of the wanton gluttony of the kids and their fat Moo. They were always first in line, rarely brought anything and when they did it was a bowl of canned split pea soup or some other worthless shit they probably got from a canned food drive for the needy. It wouldn't have been so bad had they just made themselves a regular plate, but the older kids AND the cow, who weighed in at about 400 pounds, would literally pile up their plates with 2-3 pieces of fried chicken and generous portions of everything else and would be BACK in line for seconds before the first crowd even had a chance to make a plate! Often times there was nothing left, certainly no meat, for anyone else! The older her boys got, the worse it became.

Finally, we went to the paid spaghetti dinner plates, which of course they didn't pay, but AT LEAST enough could be made in advance so everyone could fucking eat!:headbrick

No Worries-GOD Will Provide!
Yeah, "God provided" for them alright, in the form of WIC-Food stamps, Welfare, and ongoing charity from , "the village".:BS

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If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!

The southern baptists teach indiscriminate breeding too. Google Albert Mohler on parenthood. He's the head of the southern baptist convention. He writes that it's sinful, selfish, worldly etc to be childfree. He's a worthless fuck, trust me.

I never heard somebody use tiles for a table. Couldn't they just use wood varnish or something instead of tiles? Why would it take two years to build a freaking table? Couldn't they use their tax return money to finish the damn thing?

Those are my questions.

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kidlesskim
Nathan, you and I have similar backgrounds as far as having been raised in fundamentalist churches in the south! I offer my condolences!

That background is one of the reasons I drink so much! Trying to counterbalance the brainwashing with something! We should get together and eliminate a few six packs and have a bitch session! Mom said, with a laugh, that she ruined me by sending me to an Episcopalian kindergarten. The Episcopalians were the only church I ever felt comfortable in, mostly because of the beauty of the buildings and the liturgies.

I once heard a preacher say "Give God some natural to put his super on." Meaning, go get the education, the skills, the job, then expect him to help you. Was it Benjamin Franklin who said "God helps those who help themselves?" This is why Satanists hate Christians; Christians so seldom take responsibility for their lives and actions. Always blaming their failures on God or the Devil.


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nathanomir

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kidlesskim
Nathan, you and I have similar backgrounds as far as having been raised in fundamentalist churches in the south! I offer my condolences!

That background is one of the reasons I drink so much! Trying to counterbalance the brainwashing with something! We should get together and eliminate a few six packs and have a bitch session! Mom said, with a laugh, that she ruined me by sending me to an Episcopalian kindergarten. The Episcopalians were the only church I ever felt comfortable in, mostly because of the beauty of the buildings and the liturgies.

I once heard a preacher say "Give God some natural to put his super on." Meaning, go get the education, the skills, the job, then expect him to help you. Was it Benjamin Franklin who said "God helps those who help themselves?" This is why Satanists hate Christians; Christians so seldom take responsibility for their lives and actions. Always blaming their failures on God or the Devil.


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OMG I attended an Episcopal kindergarten too in North Carolina!larious


I believe some of the reasons I didn't entirely drink the Koolaid, other than the fact I am intelligent, is my father didn't attend church or claim much religion other than a belief in God, and my mother constantly struggled with many of the fundamentalist parts of it. She converted to Episcopalian when she was in her 40's, and although she continued being a church organist until she died, it was at a Presbyterian church. That fundie Baptist church she dragged me to in my youth was too much for even a staunch Christian like my mom. I like Episcopal services because they are orderly, the music is classical and therefore good, they generally have beautiful and ornate churches, they require their priests have formal college educations, and their sermons are structured and planned ahead. In fundie Baptist churches the preachers are often times poorly educated, ignorant, backwards, and let God plan their sermons as they go, which is why sometimes the fucking service will run past 1pm when it starts at 11am!

------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!

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kidlesskim

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nathanomir

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kidlesskim
Nathan, you and I have similar backgrounds as far as having been raised in fundamentalist churches in the south! I offer my condolences!

That background is one of the reasons I drink so much! Trying to counterbalance the brainwashing with something! We should get together and eliminate a few six packs and have a bitch session! Mom said, with a laugh, that she ruined me by sending me to an Episcopalian kindergarten. The Episcopalians were the only church I ever felt comfortable in, mostly because of the beauty of the buildings and the liturgies.

I once heard a preacher say "Give God some natural to put his super on." Meaning, go get the education, the skills, the job, then expect him to help you. Was it Benjamin Franklin who said "God helps those who help themselves?" This is why Satanists hate Christians; Christians so seldom take responsibility for their lives and actions. Always blaming their failures on God or the Devil.


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OMG I attended an Episcopal kindergarten too in North Carolina!larious


I believe some of the reasons I didn't entirely drink the Koolaid, other than the fact I am intelligent, is my father didn't attend church or claim much religion other than a belief in God, and my mother constantly struggled with many of the fundamentalist parts of it. She converted to Episcopalian when she was in her 40's, and although she continued being a church organist until she died, it was at a Presbyterian church. That fundie Baptist church she dragged me to in my youth was too much for even a staunch Christian like my mom. I like Episcopal services because they are orderly, the music is classical and therefore good, they generally have beautiful and ornate churches, they require their priests have formal college educations, and their sermons are structured and planned ahead. In fundie Baptist churches the preachers are often times poorly educated, ignorant, backwards, and let God plan their sermons as they go, which is why sometimes the fucking service will run past 1pm when it starts at 11am!

Are we related?

Dad is the reason I didn't drink all the Kool Aid. In fact, he's the reason I don't go to church or believe the Bible anymore. He was a fourth grade dropout, and grew up as a sharecropper. He had a very simple view of God. He always told me, "Talk to God the way you talk to me. In fact, think of him like you do me. He's your father, right?" Dad was the kindest man I've ever known. Even women who hated men loved my father. About six years ago, at the height of my crisis of faith, I sat down and read the entire Bible, looking for when God acted like Dad, and only found that God in the Gospels. Otherwise, God was a bipolar tyrant who hated humans. So, I rejected that God and those parts of the Bible. That didn't leave me with much! But it freed me from the guilt trip of trying to obey something that I inherently believed was wrong; the idea that bombing abortion clinics was good, that hating the poor was good, that all sinners were nasty, evil people, just because the inherent, accurate, authoritative Word of God said so. Bullshit! It took 40 years for Dad's teaching to penetrate my thick skull, but it finally did.

My parents left the charismatic fundamentalist church when I was 17. I don't know why I went back when I was 30, but sometimes I'm stupid like that! Anyway, the pastor at my parents' church embraced the Shepherding movement -- the belief that the pastor had the right to tell the congregation what to eat, what to wear, whom to marry, how many children to have. Dad actually said, "Fuck you!" and he never used that word. When the Word of Faith embraced Shepherding, about the time I had had enough of them, I said the same thing. I actually received death threats from leaving (well, I also publicly blew the whistle on the denomination's leader and called him a liar on television).

If churches simply taught the Sermon on the Mount, and emphasized kindness, forgiveness, helping the helpless, and generosity, then Christianity would be attractive and this would be a great planet to live on. Gandhi recognized that. But no! They have to focus on politics, manipulation through guilt and fear, and cruelty and hatred of other people. And churches have the gall to wonder why America is becoming a post-Christian nation.

Okay, I'll put the soap box away now.

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Cool! If god provides, the fundies ought be just thrilled at the gorgeous lesbian I met on the weekend!