Duhd Blahg Theatre Presents: Dashingly Dull Duhd

Have you guys encountered this duhddy blahgger:

http://dashingdad.com/2013/08/01/stay-at-home-dad-made-ninja/

(I think I'll add this one to my torture roster)

Anyway, this twatcicle fancies himself to be a ninja due to his SAHDuhd experiences...I think I'll break these down a bit:

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Dickcicle
I can perform amazing feats of agility – I can catch uncontained fluids out of mid air with my bare hands; like baby barf before it lands on the carpet.

Yes, but do you love your kyds enough to lick your hands clean afterward?

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Dickcicle
I developed super hearing – I can hear the sound of the smallest Lego hitting the floor, or the sound of an awaking infant over the din of a 6 year old entertaining himself by singing the latest song by One Direction.

Oh, I'm sure you do, Super-Duhd...until the Golden Penis^TM loses his shit in the grocery store because he can't have Lucky Charms. Suddenly, your 'super hearing' will disappear!

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Famous last words
I am free from distraction – I can change the outfit of a screaming, kicking, flailing baby without breaking stride, even the outfits with buttons instead of snaps. I can also tune out a 6 year old singing the latest song by One Direction, especially a 6 year old who got his singing ability (or lack there of) from his father and tone deafness from his mother.

Don't they all say this crap just before PNAs occur? :eyebrows

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Blergh
I am impervious to chemical attack – I can keep my food down while I clean the cat’s litter box, open the nearly full diaper pail, and handle the gaseous emissions of a 6 year old who had black bean burritos and broccoli for dinner the night before. Yes, it was the 6 year old, not me. That’s my story and I am sticking to it.

Really? Okay...then spend some time in Afghanistan, and prove it! :Mr.T

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More BS
I am one with my surroundings – I can remove the car seat harness from a sleeping baby, remove said baby from said car seat, and place the baby in her stroller without waking her up (this is my proudest ninja skill).

I am one with my surroundings...wait, he's a Crunchy Ninja Duh?

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I'm blowing smoke up my own ass
I have lighting reflexes – I can get a spoon full of rice cereal around the flailing hands of an infant and into her mouth. Most of the time.

Wow...let's hear it for Duhdy!

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And again
I have super speed – I can leap across the room and catch the andirons before the baby pulls them on top of herself. (The andirons are now in the garage).

It's quite clear that super INTELLIGENCE is not there...otherwise, those things wouldn't be accessible to the loaf in the first fucking place! z

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Derpy Duhd
I can sense the slightest bit of danger – I know when the baby is just about to cross the line with one of the three animals with claws and sharp teeth, or when the 6 year old is about to decide to get a ladder to scale the side of the house. Or worst of all, when the baby takes off her diaper and is scooting naked over to the white carpet.

That last statement was high octane nightmare fuel.... ::brbl

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Derp Derp
I can persevere despite adversity – I can cook or vacuum with one hand and console a clean, well-rested, and fed baby in the other. I can also hold my bladder at the bursting point for hours if I have to.

Hahahahahaha! larious We all know breeders' dens are MUCH filthier than pig pens! This idiot's really grasping for straws here...

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I'm a walking biohazard!
I am impervious to germs – I can handle dealing with bodily fluids with my bare hands. Baby poop, baby vomit, baby pee, nose blood (Dashing Son collided with somebody during swim lessons), eye goop, boogers, and breast milk have all been on my hands at some point in the last year. Actually within the last week. I forgot to mention all the fun concoctions that come with having dogs and cats. Throwing a dog drool/mud caked tennis ball repetitively for a couple hundred times a night makes one’s hand kind of gross.

I am impervious to germs...until Golden Penis^TM brings home the Black Death! larious

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I'm lying again...imagine that!
I can handle pain and torture – I can continue feeding a baby despite having my arm/chest/armpit hair yanked on, razor-sharp finger nails being driven into my face/neck/mouth, and a six year old singing the latest song from One Direction.

Go visit one of those BDSM places...and get back to us!

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I can tell more lies than a politician...
I can move silently through the night – well, I can walk past the sleeping baby and not wake her up. I can also come to bed several hours after the Dashingly Dull MooCunt has fallen and not wake her up. Well… sometimes I do, because, well… you know. Of course, I usually get told no.

:Violin

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Feats of stupidity
I can perform feats of strength – I can hold a 18 lb baby in one arm for a good twenty minutes (I won’t be able use the arm for a week, but I can do it). I can also push a double stroller while I run and nearly the same pace I usually can run, just half the distance.

There you have it, Bratfree! The souper-dooper Ninja Duhd! d larious

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Why live in a fishbowl, when you could be swimming in the ocean?

"She, and all other rabid breeders, are like crabs in a bucket headed to Red Lobster. When they see a smarter crab escaping, they try to pull it back in." - Miss Hannigan

"Yeah, that's what family is about - guilt tripping people into cleaning up someone else's mess." - mrs. chinaski

(Shameless blog promotion: http://popcornculturejunkie.wordpress.com/)

(Cornucopia of visual rantage: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCD78oSD27mzAlVzsB0q2ibA)

A man whose entire world is exploding diapers, gassy preschoolers, and car seats......it is almost too tragic for comment At least he is doing his part in the cunt work of child rearing. There's just something so....I don't know....emasculating about the way he waxes poetic about it, oblivious to how he sounds. Just do it in silence.

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CFinPenthouse
A man whose entire world is exploding diapers, gassy preschoolers, and car seats......it is almost too tragic for comment At least he is doing his part in the cunt work of child rearing. There's just something so....I don't know....emasculating about the way he waxes poetic about it, oblivious to how he sounds. Just do it in silence.

I think this guy (and Duhd Concentration Camp) are both followers of the almighty Dickless Wonder...if there's anyone to blame for the duhd blahg explosion, I blame him! :sbx

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Why live in a fishbowl, when you could be swimming in the ocean?

"She, and all other rabid breeders, are like crabs in a bucket headed to Red Lobster. When they see a smarter crab escaping, they try to pull it back in." - Miss Hannigan

"Yeah, that's what family is about - guilt tripping people into cleaning up someone else's mess." - mrs. chinaski

(Shameless blog promotion: http://popcornculturejunkie.wordpress.com/)

(Cornucopia of visual rantage: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCD78oSD27mzAlVzsB0q2ibA)

Yea yea yea duh. Call me about ninja skills when you can get a kid out of a car seat, secure the C Spine and initiate Trauma bore IV Access in less than 90 seconds.

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“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”

It makes me sad to think that people probably have to deal with this jackass every day in real life. I'm pretty sure I'd choose being waterboarded over sitting at a bar next to this moron.

Oh goody, now we have daddy-ninjas to go with the mama bears; what happened to normal human beings spawning? Now everyone has to be a animal (mama bear, tiger stripes), or superhero type (ninja, lactating = super power). What a bunch of insecure twunts.

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Yes, but do you love your kyds enough to lick your hands clean afterward? double puke

We should introduce him to the Mooo who licked her kid's shit off her hooves. I shudder to imagine the conversations that they would have but at least it would keep them from "sharing" with rest of the world

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thom_c
Yea yea yea duh. Call me about ninja skills when you can get a kid out of a car seat, secure the C Spine and initiate Trauma bore IV Access in less than 90 seconds.

WIN.


ETA: One Direction? Why in the freshly-buttfucked hell would he expose his kid, or himself, to that? I'd rather stuff hot shit into my ear canals.

I love how he gets told no by Moo when he asks for sex.

No wonder why these guys cheat.

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I miss my little feather baby.

Ninjas are basically assassins, aren't they? Is all this in preparation of a PNA? People like this rarely have the subtlety; they usually just go for a gun-based murder-suicide.

Jesus, what a pathetic idiot. Remind me again why spawning is such a brilliant idea?

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mypersonality.info

"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who haven't got it."
George Bernard Shaw

"An oyster can play catch if u only give it the oprotunity"
Some random YouTube commenter

"hate comments will be deleted!! fuckers!"
Some random YouTube uploader

Oh Popcorn, how I love it when you dig up a divinely dull duhd blahg to snark on. Now it’s my turn.

“I can perform amazing feats of agility – I can catch uncontained fluids out of mid air with my bare hands; like baby barf before it lands on the carpet.”

Oh yeah? Well, I can sense when my body is about to expel waist seconds before it happens, so I can quickly run to the toilet before any accidents occur. Beat that!

“I developed super hearing – I can hear the sound of the smallest Lego hitting the floor, or the sound of an awaking infant over the din of a 6 year old entertaining himself by singing the latest song by One Direction.”

I have super eating abilities. I once ate an extra large pepperoni pizza in one sitting. So there!

“I am free from distraction – I can change the outfit of a screaming, kicking, flailing baby without breaking stride, even the outfits with buttons instead of snaps. I can also tune out a 6 year old singing the latest song by One Direction, especially a 6 year old who got his singing ability (or lack there of) from his father and tone deafness from his mother.”

But can you put shoes on a kicking, screaming, flailing, 200-pound 16-year-old autard? If you can do that without ending up in the hospital, then I might give you a gold star.

“I am impervious to chemical attack – I can keep my food down while I clean the cat’s litter box, open the nearly full diaper pail, and handle the gaseous emissions of a 6 year old who had black bean burritos and broccoli for dinner the night before. Yes, it was the 6 year old, not me. That’s my story and I am sticking to it.”

You say you’re impervious to chemical attack? Okay. So if you were stuck in a room and someone pumped mustard gas through the ventilation system, it wouldn’t affect you? Hmmmm… I think it’s time for a little science experiment.

“I am one with my surroundings – I can remove the car seat harness from a sleeping baby, remove said baby from said car seat, and place the baby in her stroller without waking her up (this is my proudest ninja skill).”

Until you conveniently forget Princess in the car. Then you gain the skill of playing the grieving duh.

“I have lighting reflexes – I can get a spoon full of rice cereal around the flailing hands of an infant and into her mouth. Most of the time.”

I’m sure you have great “save my own ass” reflexes too. They’ll certainly come in handy during a carjacking and you just don’t have the time to get the kids out first.

“I have super speed – I can leap across the room and catch the andirons before the baby pulls them on top of herself. (The andirons are now in the garage).”

Except when the babby falls into a creek. Then you’ll rely on someone else’s “super speed.”

“I can sense the slightest bit of danger – I know when the baby is just about to cross the line with one of the three animals with claws and sharp teeth, or when the 6 year old is about to decide to get a ladder to scale the side of the house. Or worst of all, when the baby takes off her diaper and is scooting naked over to the white carpet.”

Will those super duper amazing danger sensin’ powers still work ten or fifteen years from now when Junior’s buddies come a knockin’ on your door? You know, the guys he’s been getting his special medication from?

“I can persevere despite adversity – I can cook or vacuum with one hand and console a clean, well-rested, and fed baby in the other. I can also hold my bladder at the bursting point for hours if I have to.”

Bahahahahaha. Yeah, okay. Get back to us when your kids hit puberty. I’m sure those super duper duhddy powers will fade and you’ll be whining about ungrateful kids and how much you hate the teen years.

“I am impervious to germs – I can handle dealing with bodily fluids with my bare hands. Baby poop, baby vomit, baby pee, nose blood (Dashing Son collided with somebody during swim lessons), eye goop, boogers, and breast milk have all been on my hands at some point in the last year. Actually within the last week. I forgot to mention all the fun concoctions that come with having dogs and cats. Throwing a dog drool/mud caked tennis ball repetitively for a couple hundred times a night makes one’s hand kind of gross.”

Anyone know where they’re keeping that last sample of small pox? I wanna try something.

“I can handle pain and torture – I can continue feeding a baby despite having my arm/chest/armpit hair yanked on, razor-sharp finger nails being driven into my face/neck/mouth, and a six year old singing the latest song from One Direction.”

Hells to the yeah! A stay in the Nazi concentration camps pale in comparison to what you just described above! Being beaten, starved, tortured, used as a guinea pig for someone’s sick medical experiments, that’s nothin’ compared to being scratched by a toadler or Junior’s godawful singing.
Sarcastic

“I can move silently through the night – well, I can walk past the sleeping baby and not wake her up. I can also come to bed several hours after the Dashingly Dull MooCunt has fallen and not wake her up. Well… sometimes I do, because, well… you know. Of course, I usually get told no.”

I once went to the bathroom at two in the morning without waking the cat. Where’s my medal?

“I can perform feats of strength – I can hold a 18 lb baby in one arm for a good twenty minutes (I won’t be able use the arm for a week, but I can do it).”

Oh please. I’ve known smaller people who have lifted heavier things and didn’t break a sweat. Try lifting a full-grown man in and out of his wheelchair, bed or anywhere else.

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efsb
Oh Popcorn, how I love it when you dig up a divinely dull duhd blahg to snark on.

hankyou

Well, with some of these duhdy blahgs, it's not just a hobby...it's an adventure!

_________________________________________________________

Why live in a fishbowl, when you could be swimming in the ocean?

"She, and all other rabid breeders, are like crabs in a bucket headed to Red Lobster. When they see a smarter crab escaping, they try to pull it back in." - Miss Hannigan

"Yeah, that's what family is about - guilt tripping people into cleaning up someone else's mess." - mrs. chinaski

(Shameless blog promotion: http://popcornculturejunkie.wordpress.com/)

(Cornucopia of visual rantage: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCD78oSD27mzAlVzsB0q2ibA)

I can perform amazing feats of agility –

I can suction an airway full of GI bleed blood while drawing up medication to keep it from happening again.

I developed super hearing – I can hear a call bell before it's pushed and realize if it is someone who really needs help or if it's the drug seeking moo who wants more narcotics 2 hours before she's due for more.

I am free from distraction – I can adjust the ventilator over the din of a helicopter and on the ground continue with what I was doing over the din of cardiac monitor, ventilator and IV pump alarms.

I am impervious to chemical attack – I can continue a flight despite the fact that either my partner or pilot ate the chili with beans at the hospital cafeteria ...

I am one with my surroundings – I can remove injured child from a poorly placed car seat, do an exam, secure the c spine and gain IV or IO access in a minute and a half. And I hope the kid is screaming because that means it is neurologically intact.

I have lighting reflexes – I can feed a kid better than parents - all of the time.

I have super speed – I can leap up, don a flight suit, be out the door, to the helicopter and in the air in 9 minutes.

I can sense the slightest bit of danger – I know when the parent is about to become violent and get PD or security before the first swing.

I can persevere despite adversity – I can do a whole shift without eating, using the bathroom or taking a break. Usually because of stupid parents.

I am impervious to germs – I've been exposed to them all. Usually because of stupid parents.

I can handle pain and torture – I can hold down a screaming kid for sutures while giving the death glare to the stupid parents who had they not looked away for an hour minute the kid wouldn't have gotten hurt.

I can move silently nosily through the night – part traffic and bring hope to the sick and injured. I can save kids from their abusive parents and bring light from the darkness.

I can perform feats of strength – I can help lift a 400 pound SAHM out of the recliner and onto a bariatric gurney. I can dodge a Surgeon's ego I can fix dull duhs mistakes with compassion and skill.

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“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”