"How to Change A Diaper On An Airplane"

http://www.chicagonow.com/chi-town-mommy-mayhem/2013/11/how-to-change-a-diaper-on-an-airplane-in-25-steps/



How to Change A Diaper on an Airplane in 25 Steps
So my worst fear happened on our flight from Phoenix to Chicago. My kid dropped a load in his pants mid flight. He was pretty stealth like about it. He sat on the floor between my legs, quietly playing with his toys, grunting away.At first the smell was imaginary. Do I smell shit? Naaaa. But then it became a reality. Shit! Shit! Shit! As the air flowed through the air vent above me, I inhaled deeply. I looked at my partner. We both realized we weren't the only ones smelling hard core poop. The emergency ventilation masks were about to drop from the ceiling. I had to do it.I had to change his diaper. Dear Lord, how to change a diaper on an airplane??? I didn't really think about this aspect of traveling with a toddler.Just reading this made me sick to my stomach. WHY do people take little kids on planes? Rarely does it seem it's the only option, like a family emergency. Even so, can't Mee-Maw or a friend watch after Shitford for a day or two? What about driving or maybe an open air boating vessel of some sort? Why not honor so many frequent fliers wishes, MANY parents included, and require passengers wearing shitbags to be seated in a "Famblee Friendly" seating?


Step 1: Procrastinate as long as possible. Maybe it doesn't smell that bad.

Step 2: Kindly ask the poor gentleman in the aisle seat to please move. Not like he hasn't been bothered at all the entire flight.

Step 3: Collect diaper, wipes, and changing pad from overhead compartment.

Step 4: Collect child from father.

Step 5: Walk towards the rear of the plane carrying child. Observe looks of disgust from passengers who can also smell child.

Step 6: Wait in line for bathroom for 10 minutes while trying to prevent extremely wiggly, noisy toddler from getting down and grabbing passengers.

Step 7: Enter bathroom. Do a complete 360 in a bathroom the size of a tuna can, bang elbow twice, and realize there is no changing table. Efffff!

Step 8: Exit bathroom, sweating buckets. Ask flight attendant if there is somewhere I can change my stinky kid. "Oh, you need a changing table? This is a Boeing 7blah-blah, the changing table is located in the front of the aircraft." Great, bitch. You saw me standing in this line for 10 minutes. Did you think the diaper and wipes were reading material????

Step 9: Slowly make my way to the front of the plane while making sure my kid doesn't kick or grab anyone while carrying him.

Step 10: Wait in line for 10 more minutes. In this case I would have GLADLY let her go ahead of me.

Step11: Enter bathroom. Locate changing table equipped to the wall above the toilet. Attempt to pull table down and unfold table one handed.

Step 12: Clean previous user's child's shit from table. Seriously? Yes, seriously. Eewwwwww.

Step 13: Unfold changing mat and place freaked out child on table. Brace self and lock knees. How the hell do people have sex in theses bathrooms???? Mile high club?You are out of your freaking mind!

Step 14: Undress child, remove diaper. Oh, holy hell......what died in you??? Did someone turn off the air in here? Is there a loss in cabin pressure? I'm going to vomit. I can imagine everyone else wants to vomit too!

Step 15: Wipe poop off child's back and thighs. Scrub back of child's shirt. Fold diaper. Carefully wipe sweat from brow. Dress child.

Step 16: Return changing table to it's upright position. Carefully stand child on floor and wash hands.

Step 17: Realize I have to pee now. Squat and hold standing child between legs.

Step 18: Child grabs garbage out of the receptacle and tissues from dispenser. Ugh!! It probably pulled out some of the shit paper and wipes too.

Step 19: Strategically wipe and pull up pants. Turn to flush. Remove child from playing in toilet.

Step 20: Wash both my hand and child's. Exit lavatory 15 pounds lighter from sweating.

Step 21: Greet unhappy flight attendant holding a trash bag for my kid's diaper.

Step 22: Greet unhappy passengers waiting in line. Jeez, it's 10 people deep. How long have a been in there??

Step 23: Carry child down aisle. Lock eyes with another mom who smiles and says " I've been there, honey". Smile back, with a tear in my eye.

Step 24: Return Arizona Diamondback hat to a man 2 rows back. How the hell did he take that off that man's head???

Step 25: Return to seat. Hand child to father, who jokingly says "was it bad?" No dude, a freaking walk in the park! There you have it! Thinking of flying with your little one? Better prepared for the worst.

And bring hand sanitizer. And vodka. And Xanax. And how about some Benedryl so your kid will stay asleep and PLEASE don't feed it for 2 hours before you board! Better yet find a different mode of transportaton. At least she didn't let it shit on the seat though, so at least we have that

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If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!

If you have to put that much effort and thought into it, you clearly need to stay off aircraft.

I have a better idea.
Step 1: Hire a sitter.
Step 2: Leave child at home.

Alternate A
Step 1: Don't go on the trip.

Alternate B
Step 1: Drive to the destination in your car.

Quote
rudeawakening

Alternate B
Step 1: Drive to the destination in your car.

Trouble is, roadside America will be littered with stinking nappies, wipes and christ knows what much more than it is now.

Quote
rudeawakening
I have a better idea.
Step 1: Hire a sitter.
Step 2: Leave child at home.

Alternate A
Step 1: Don't go on the trip.

Alternate B
Step 1: Drive to the destination in your car.

Other than Alternate B, these sound good to me...since it's already too late for Don't Breed...Ever

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Why live in a fishbowl, when you could be swimming in the ocean?

"She, and all other rabid breeders, are like crabs in a bucket headed to Red Lobster. When they see a smarter crab escaping, they try to pull it back in." - Miss Hannigan

"Yeah, that's what family is about - guilt tripping people into cleaning up someone else's mess." - mrs. chinaski

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BLECH! Why did I read that awful list of steps just before dinner time?

Sorry I just...

The very idea that they'd contemplate ANYTHING other than immediate removal to the toilet is appalling.

Their reluctance to visit the toilet to clean up and dispose of their kid's bowel evacuation is why, exactly? They're scared they might bump their elbow?

It's not about what they need to bring on flights but what they need to do before they leave for the airport. It involves using a champagne bottle cork.

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"The death of creativity is a pram in the hallway"
- Cyril Connolly

One reason this might have happened: The pressure difference. The cabin is pressurized to about 7500 feet which is enough to support life but not as much as sea level. If they came from a low lying area the cabin pressure would have adjusted to 7500 on the way up and guess what comes out - the poopy. Now, the airlines could help with this, they can have large Tupperware containers to store the poopy Pampers until the flight is over. Best of all, with the Tupper seal, when the plane lands the PP will be forever trapped in the Tupperware, never to be smelled again. Now, why don't they have Tupperware parties at airports?

How about you don't fucking travel with that fucking piece of shit in the first place?!?

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Passive Aggressive
Master Of Anti-brat
Excuses!