Women who regret motherhood - a good article

On Jez is a post "We need to talk about women who regret motherhood" It has some very good points and I love that now only does it state that not all women want kids but it also acknowledges that not all women who want kids should have them!! I'm not sure if I've ever seen something like that stated publicly outside of CF boards and feminist textbooks.

There was still a bit of "oh, but I came around to it in the end".

I can't imagine what it must be like to end up having a child that you don't love, didn't want tohave, or have due to social pressure and thenfind out that moohood is indeed every bit as dreadful as you imagined.

To those who bingo me and tell me I'll regret it, I'd rather regret never becoming a parent than becoming a bad parent.

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yummynotmummy

To those who bingo me and tell me I'll regret it, I'd rather regret never becoming a parent than becoming a bad parent.

So what if you did regret it? Why is this one regret so much more significant than any other regrets you might have later? No one ever expended so much more energy and time trying to convince me that I 'might' regret other life decisions, but this one is special category?

I have other regrets, ones that can be uncomfortable sometimes if I ponder them too much. If one is an adult, then one learns how to handle regrets in life in a mature manner. Breeders never really grow up, though, so I guess it isn't too surprising they don't realize that other people do and not surprising that they think a few regrets will simply ruin their lives.

They only use the "you'll regret it one day" bingo because they view childfree people (women especially) as lonely, eccentric catladies who are forever alone. It's an old stereotype that needs to die. I'm neither lonely nor eccentric, though I do love me some cats.

The reality is that some parents gravely regret the decision to sprog. The difference between their regrets and mine is that theirs involve another innocent being...mine only affect me.

Yeah, here is some regret for you -- not.

A breeder we know has two sons, one of whom is exhibiting psychopathic/sociopathic behaviors and keeps getting caught in "events" (severe antisocial behaviors when around others; he's about 14. Mom keeps trying to rationalize his behaviors and is gradually realize that something is very rotten in Denmark.) The other is a high energy type (Manic?) kid who can NOT sit still one moment, and she and her husband indulge him. He's about 10.

It will be beautiful fall weather this weekend and they have to spend it going to several baseball games for the younger kid. They simply exist as a means of transport and food provision at this point for this kid.

Meanwhile, husband's job is in jeopardy and wifey doesn't make anything -- it all goes toward gas and kid crap.

Because the kids have been raised with affluenza they do things like fight over who gets which Ipad and crap like that -- and these things escalate into huge battles that suck the life blood and energy out of the parents for WEEKS.

Instead, my guy and I are headed out for yet another wonderful dinner out at an expensive restaurant, enjoying some long nature walks at this lovely time of year, puttering around the house, and fussing a bit over our cuddlechunks (cats) who never require anything other than pets and rubs and food.

Someday, scientists will detect the gene or mind virus/parasite or whatever that gives breeders such severe cognitive dissonance -- where they TRULY think that other people who aren't in their situation are REGRETTING not being in their completely miserable situation. It's so weird.

I mean, if someone has terminal cancer and is dying a long, slow death, in pain and miserable every day, they don't go, "You other people out there who don't have terminal cancer like me are going to regret not having it!" It's clear that breeding = suffering, poverty, misery, lies to oneself about what is really going on, insanity, etc. Viewed from the outside, why would one EVER want to duplicate such miserable circumstances in their own life? But breeders are all, "JOIN ME IN MY ABJECT MISERY BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T, YOU'LL REGRET IT!"

GEESH. Sounds more like a THREAT to me rather than an invitation. Conform to breederism or else.

No thanks, fuckwads.

I have no regrets over anything I've done.

Presently I have a bit of work burn out and am a bit bored in general.

But you know what? I can change this.

NOTHING is trapping me in this.

With kids - you can't. It's that 'trap' that always put me off. And I could see that their Bingos of "You can still do what you want!" were complete and total BS. Because the Cattle bleating that crap at you were NOT doing what they wanted. Maybe some of the guys could buy a crappy sports car, Compensation Truck, boat, or Harley eyes2 - yeah, wow. And for Moo Cow a trip to the Off The Rax Outlet Stores and some 'pampering' in the form of someone else clipping their toe nails. You're still trapped in a job (and life) you don't like, you do not have alot of disposable income - not enough to say TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT! Or fund your own biz, you are a Wage Slave and worse an Insurance Slave - you need that Famblee Plan for Da Kiddies.

Me? I could always do what I wanted. And still can. Bored of work? Do something else. Need a change of scenery? Move. Not usually that much of a problem - when you're CF.

Got Kids? Welcome to The Boring Life! And you'll be trapped where you stand, in some soul sucking job, for the little bit more money and insurance for the kiddies - but - if Stepford Wifey Shops Smart! And YOU, You Studly Man!, You, don't go dipping your wick too much and making too many behbehs Child Support Payments - You might be able to get a HARLEY! someday too!

I can do what I want. I'm not rolling in money, I'm not able to retire just yet - but I can 'switch my life around' if I want to. I could probably live super cheap and just work part time. It's sort of one of my plans, really - spend more time working on some new career.

And I can do this because I don't have baby asses to wipe. The few hours I spend on sites like this - is my only 'free time'. I multi task my free time too - also at same time - am watching tv, talking on phone, etc. All the rest of my time is spent on work and sleep, work including new things I would like to go into. I do spend other free time reading books - which usually have to do with some of my work plans though too.

I am able to orchestrate my time this way because I don't have other people impinging upon my time. Yeah, work - but not elsewhere. That 'other half' of your waking hours - THIS is the thing! And whether you want to use it to try to 'get ahead' - or do something different - or just relax - THIS is the thing. As well as not being 'tied down' from other angles.

And of course CFs just like anyone else have 'chores' to do such as shopping, cleaning, home maintenance - I myself am trying to *remodel* this place hovel! I would guess the 'basic upkeep chores' take 10 - 15 hours / wk as is.

I have plenty to do, no worries. In fact I berate myself for being lazy and feel I should be doing more! I think I do enough though (I was also seriously ill a few years ago and nearly died), I think I'm OK as is.

And - FOR SURE - there is no way you could really throw any MORE 'into this'! Especially Terrorist Toadlers. Also, I am thinking of moving. Kids basically preclude you from that completely. Even in a 'near area' - Oooo Noooo! It's a DIFFERENT SCHOOL DISTRICT!!! THE HORROR.

I might not have The Wildest And Craziest! Jet Setting! Party! "CF Lifestyle" eyes2 - but at least I can move 10 miles away if I want to.

I was unplanned, unwanted and my mother flat out told me to my face, repeatedly, from the time I was old enough to remember.

Now, contrary to what most of the douchey comments claim, THAT did not cause me trauma. If she had given me up for adoption, I would probably have felt the same about being unwanted and unloved by my own mother. Sad, but not horrifyingly life-changing.

What lasted was how I was treated/abused BECAUSE she didn't want me and felt obligated to keep me, not only in how she treated me, but how her other 2 (older) children and her husband treated me. It was clear from the get-go, that I was unplanned, unwanted and the only reason that I existed at all was because RvW was all the scandal in the year I was born. This pretty much gave everyone free range to treat me exactly as that would imply.

So the moral of the story is NOT to be dishonest about not wanting a child. The moral is to either choose to give it to someone who DOES want it, or treat it like you do want it, even if you don't. It's not the kid's fault you didn't have safe access to reliable birth control, so don't take it out on the kid. Otherwise, I'm totally fine with being honest about it. Let it be a lesson/warning to other women to prevent them from being/feeling forced to birth by all of the liars out there pressuring them. (Just my 2 cents.)

I think it sucks when someone makes a mistake and it's stuck with them for the rest of their life. I know, honestly, that this is a SYMPTOM of a larger social problem. Society glorifies it, everyone hates it, yet everyone raves about it, and at its worst, you get punished if you don't go forth and breed. Those people who either don't have a maternal/paternal bone in their body, did their research, or simply used their EYES when they were younger were jettisoned from the socially cherished algorithm that "kids= love, happiness, and maturity."

But honestly, when people do things that they regret and then speak out about it, it is a benefit to us all, parents and non-parents. Just think. Parents who read that article while sadly nodding their heads and feeling relief that they aren't the only ones. Non parents who read that article and felt a deep satisfaction and justification for not wanting to have a child against their will. And last but certainly not the least of all, think of the fence sitters reading these articles informing themselves so that if they do choose to have a child, they are not immediately met with soul-crushing disillusion. I suppose that articles like these actually have been helping the CF trend ramp upward.

So I for one am immensely pleased when a disappointed parent comes forth to vent their sadness, rage, and indignation. As it is immediately supportive of the child-free/pro-choice community and I simply can not argue with that.

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yummynotmummy
There was still a bit of "oh, but I came around to it in the end".

Came around or conformed because there was no escape?
If there is a part of your brain screaming at you "Don't!" you should listen.

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"Don't you know how to deal with children?!"
"I don't like animals who act on instinct."
I think you're on to something Akihiko.

Many of the commentors are dense, as in Breeder-dense. Some of them openly admit they don't really want children, but they still feel compelled to have them by their spouse. If you are in a relationship with someone who wants kids and is pressuring you to do so when you don't want them, WTF are you even doing there?

I also can't believe all the people who are all WTF BBQ LBJ and writing stuff like EVEN IF YOU FEEL THIS WAY AS A PARENT, YOU SHOULD NEVER ADMIT IT TO ANYONE. WHAT IF YOUR CHYYYYLD FINDS OUT ABOUT IT?.

Are they really so dim that they don't think their child already knows that? I find children annoying, but one thing about them: they can usually smell bullshit. I figured out by age 8 or so that my mom, despite all her Southern, lay-it-on-thick mantra about how we kids were the BESTEST THING EVAR, found motherhood miserable.

ETA: There's a fair number of female commenters who are also saying that the stated their wishes not to sprog prior to marriage and their husbands now want kids. These women feel "guilty" for sticking to their stance because their husbands would make wuuuunderful dads. SMDH--why do these women feel guilty? It's not as if they lied about anything. If anything they should be pissed at their husbands who were less than honest and didn't listen to them.

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bell_flower
Many of the commentors are dense, as in Breeder-dense. Some of them openly admit they don't really want children, but they still feel compelled to have them by their spouse. If you are in a relationship with someone who wants kids and is pressuring you to do so when you don't want them, WTF are you even doing there?

I also can't believe all the people who are all WTF BBQ LBJ and writing stuff like EVEN IF YOU FEEL THIS WAY AS A PARENT, YOU SHOULD NEVER ADMIT IT TO ANYONE. WHAT IF YOUR CHYYYYLD FINDS OUT ABOUT IT?.

Are they really so dim that they don't think their child already knows that? I find children annoying, but one thing about them: they can usually smell bullshit. I figured out by age 8 or so that my mom, despite all her Southern, lay-it-on-thick mantra about how we kids were the BESTEST THING EVAR, found motherhood miserable.

Yes, kids 'know' when parents are none too thrilled with them. And the comments of "what if your kid SEES THIS" IMO are very short sighted. You think the net is going to be the same 10, 15 years from now? Evidently you don't remember the past and cannot forecast into the future. By the time the kid is aware - the net will be different. Better or worse is anyone's call - but it will be different.

I read an intriguing thing the other day about FakeBook - a conspiracy minded individual opining that it's a CIA / NSA operation and the idea is to 'get you used to' using your actual name (this had to do with some flap about FB kicking off TG people for not using their 'real names'.)
I digest all ideas, any and all opinions - and with this one - Ima agree. I was always suspicious of FakeBook - because it got too big, too fast, and was too promoted across all media. I will agree on this - or at the least - that FB is not exactly what it seems to be.

Many money interests wish to change the net - and we can see that already happening. It will merge with other media. It has already surpassed print media. And now contains video and TV outlets - cable and sat operators are eager to gain more subscribers this way.

10, 15 years from now - you're not going to recognize the net you knew. Is it the same as it was 10, 15 years ago? NO.

This idea that - 'the kids will SEE this'! IMO NO - they very likely won't. My guess is by the time they're cognizant - the net is going to be nothing but another cable TV outlet.

Short Sighted Pearl Clutching Cows are - short sighted.

If people who regret having bought into the must be a mooo bullshit speak up about it, then it could let younger people know that they don't have to buy in!

When I imagine having become a Moo, the next thing I imagine is my suicide.

Ya know, I really think there is some fucked up "redemption arc" going on in fencesitter's minds. Where they are going into this mindset of "parunting makes you a better person," or "I'll have to finally start dealing with my life/marriage/money situation if I have a kid," instead of just, you know, working at becoming a better person NOW and taking responsibility for your creations and miscreations NOW.

It's like this weird mental displacement thinking that their life will only really START with breeding when we all know for damned sure that breeding is when your life fucking ENDS and it can't be undone.

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Zzelda

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bell_flower
Many of the commentors are dense, as in Breeder-dense. Some of them openly admit they don't really want children, but they still feel compelled to have them by their spouse. If you are in a relationship with someone who wants kids and is pressuring you to do so when you don't want them, WTF are you even doing there?

I also can't believe all the people who are all WTF BBQ LBJ and writing stuff like EVEN IF YOU FEEL THIS WAY AS A PARENT, YOU SHOULD NEVER ADMIT IT TO ANYONE. WHAT IF YOUR CHYYYYLD FINDS OUT ABOUT IT?.

Are they really so dim that they don't think their child already knows that? I find children annoying, but one thing about them: they can usually smell bullshit. I figured out by age 8 or so that my mom, despite all her Southern, lay-it-on-thick mantra about how we kids were the BESTEST THING EVAR, found motherhood miserable.

Yes, kids 'know' when parents are none too thrilled with them. And the comments of "what if your kid SEES THIS" IMO are very short sighted. You think the net is going to be the same 10, 15 years from now? Evidently you don't remember the past and cannot forecast into the future. By the time the kid is aware - the net will be different. Better or worse is anyone's call - but it will be different.

I read an intriguing thing the other day about FakeBook - a conspiracy minded individual opining that it's a CIA / NSA operation and the idea is to 'get you used to' using your actual name (this had to do with some flap about FB kicking off TG people for not using their 'real names'.)
I digest all ideas, any and all opinions - and with this one - Ima agree. I was always suspicious of FakeBook - because it got too big, too fast, and was too promoted across all media. I will agree on this - or at the least - that FB is not exactly what it seems to be.

Many money interests wish to change the net - and we can see that already happening. It will merge with other media. It has already surpassed print media. And now contains video and TV outlets - cable and sat operators are eager to gain more subscribers this way.

10, 15 years from now - you're not going to recognize the net you knew. Is it the same as it was 10, 15 years ago? NO.

This idea that - 'the kids will SEE this'! IMO NO - they very likely won't. My guess is by the time they're cognizant - the net is going to be nothing but another cable TV outlet.

Short Sighted Pearl Clutching Cows are - short sighted.

You are quite right... partly. However, the net is not going down so easily. The net will split, because what is it? The net is a network of computers. An extension of minds.

The part that Facefuck is a part of, and the networks are a part of will indeed merge with other media and not resemble the old Net we remember.

That doesn't mean there won't be other Internets splitting off and doing their own things. It is happening as I type.

We have the 'Darknet' where drugs are traded, the kind that are strictly under the counter and illeagal, porn that is obscene, and so on. As much as they want to crush it, the authorities cannot as those behind it are too numerous and skilled.

In a smaller way we have little webrings that are little walled gardens that actively encourage names not to be your own. World Of Warcraft, Second Life, and other video types of games fall into this type of ring.

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Passive Aggressive
Master Of Anti-brat
Excuses!