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I wonder how this trainwreck turned out
Posted by JoJo
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I wonder how this trainwreck turned out February 12, 2015 | Registered: 16 years ago Posts: 585 |
This is from last years Dear Prudence column. Link
How much do you want to bet that loverboy either took off as soon as Julia got as big as a house or the first time bratleigh needed a diaper change? Good luck in trying to get child support out of the 'backdoor man'. In most states the husband is the legal father regardless of actual paternity. We know what babies do to a marriage, I can only imagine the effect on a threesome.
I figured that Tony bailed ASAP and/or hubby decided he didn't want to support the boyfriend's kid.
Either that or the husband got tired of supporting Tony's kid and bailed.
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Q. My Sister Is Polyamorous and Pregnant: My sister Julia recently told our family that she and her husband Jake are in a polyamorous triad with their best friend Tony. The three of them have been together for as long as Julia has been with Jake (seven years) and all of their friends know that, essentially, Tony is Julia's other husband. They decided not to tell our more traditional family (with the exception of our brother) until Julia became pregnant, as she is now. She does not know whether the child is Jake's or Tony's, but both men plan to raise the child equally. Our brother claims they're an amazing set and that Julia has never been this happy. My parents, my husband, and I are more realistic and feel queasy about the arrangement. I cannot imagine how their child will feel, growing up with half siblings (Julia plans to have children by both men) and with their mom sleeping with two men. I don't know how they will provide the children of this "marriage" with stability. My husband doesn't want Tony around our children, even though Julia has asked that we now treat him as her husband in addition to Jake. I love Julia but am nauseated by her lifestyle choice. I think eventually it will end disastrously. How can I support this?
How much do you want to bet that loverboy either took off as soon as Julia got as big as a house or the first time bratleigh needed a diaper change? Good luck in trying to get child support out of the 'backdoor man'. In most states the husband is the legal father regardless of actual paternity. We know what babies do to a marriage, I can only imagine the effect on a threesome.
I figured that Tony bailed ASAP and/or hubby decided he didn't want to support the boyfriend's kid.
Either that or the husband got tired of supporting Tony's kid and bailed.
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Re: I wonder how this trainwreck turned out February 12, 2015 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 6,607 |
Sometimes Prudence gets followup letters to her advice, but I doubt about this situation because it wasn't written by the subjects of the letter.
Responding to the POV of the letter writer -- I think the family needs to mind its own business. Jake, Julia and Tony obviously knew ahead of time that they'd be censured and held off telling their blood kin (though it seems they have a circle of friends who are tolerant and respectful). With a child on the way, they want to be honest and ask that family respect the parentage as they have constructed it. If they can't, at least they can be polite, as instructed by Prudie.
What I bet happened is that the family blew up, the triumverate partners said "fine. we have friends who we can count on," and that branch split away from the family. Their loss. If Julia had successive partners in Jake and Tony, rather than concurrent, everything would be hunky dory. That she is having sex with (gasp!) two partners, and the triangle appeared stable, offends the sensibilities of the prudish family. Dollars to donuts, there are probably people in that family who are sneaking something on the side anyway. They need to shut up before someone hauls their hypocrisy into the late of day.
Responding to the POV of the letter writer -- I think the family needs to mind its own business. Jake, Julia and Tony obviously knew ahead of time that they'd be censured and held off telling their blood kin (though it seems they have a circle of friends who are tolerant and respectful). With a child on the way, they want to be honest and ask that family respect the parentage as they have constructed it. If they can't, at least they can be polite, as instructed by Prudie.
What I bet happened is that the family blew up, the triumverate partners said "fine. we have friends who we can count on," and that branch split away from the family. Their loss. If Julia had successive partners in Jake and Tony, rather than concurrent, everything would be hunky dory. That she is having sex with (gasp!) two partners, and the triangle appeared stable, offends the sensibilities of the prudish family. Dollars to donuts, there are probably people in that family who are sneaking something on the side anyway. They need to shut up before someone hauls their hypocrisy into the late of day.
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Re: I wonder how this trainwreck turned out February 12, 2015 | Registered: 12 years ago Posts: 1,788 |
Quote
JoJo
This is from last years Dear Prudence column. LinkQuote
Q. My Sister Is Polyamorous and Pregnant: My sister Julia recently told our family that she and her husband Jake are in a polyamorous triad with their best friend Tony. The three of them have been together for as long as Julia has been with Jake (seven years) and all of their friends know that, essentially, Tony is Julia's other husband. They decided not to tell our more traditional family (with the exception of our brother) until Julia became pregnant, as she is now. She does not know whether the child is Jake's or Tony's, but both men plan to raise the child equally. Our brother claims they're an amazing set and that Julia has never been this happy. My parents, my husband, and I are more realistic and feel queasy about the arrangement. I cannot imagine how their child will feel, growing up with half siblings (Julia plans to have children by both men) and with their mom sleeping with two men. I don't know how they will provide the children of this "marriage" with stability. My husband doesn't want Tony around our children, even though Julia has asked that we now treat him as her husband in addition to Jake. I love Julia but am nauseated by her lifestyle choice. I think eventually it will end disastrously. How can I support this?
How much do you want to bet that loverboy either took off as soon as Julia got as big as a house or the first time bratleigh needed a diaper change? Good luck in trying to get child support out of the 'backdoor man'. In most states the husband is the legal father regardless of actual paternity. We know what babies do to a marriage, I can only imagine the effect on a threesome.
I figured that Tony bailed ASAP and/or hubby decided he didn't want to support the boyfriend's kid.
Either that or the husband got tired of supporting Tony's kid and bailed.
You are about 20 years out of date. All either potential father has to do is request DNA test, which is a simple buccal swab. The husband, or whoever signs the birth certificate is the legal father. Either man has standing to request the test and if the DNA isn't the husband's, he has no legal obligations.
I agree this is messed up, but your information about paternity is out of date.
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Re: I wonder how this trainwreck turned out February 13, 2015 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 12,441 |
Children seem to be a strain on all relationships, but I see no reason why they'd be more of a strain on a poly relationship than a monogamous one. Actually, I think they might be a bit less of a strain, because whenever you opt for a non-traditional choice you tend to put more thought into it. We see that with CFdom: most of us have put a lot more thought into the whole question of children than the average breeder, even if we were early articulators, simply because we have to defend our choice against the world. These people know that many will be against them, and any failure will be blamed on the style of the relationship rather than other factors (unlike with the 50% divorce statistics for marriages, which are never taken as undermining the idea of coupledom or monogamous relationships), so they have likely talked it over a good deal.
I still don't know why the fuck they want to have kids, but some people seem to have that urge.
When I read that letter, I think the writer needs a smack to wipe the smug off, because what she calls 'realism' is an inability to think beyond the status quo.
I still don't know why the fuck they want to have kids, but some people seem to have that urge.
When I read that letter, I think the writer needs a smack to wipe the smug off, because what she calls 'realism' is an inability to think beyond the status quo.
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Re: I wonder how this trainwreck turned out February 13, 2015 | Registered: 12 years ago Posts: 2,430 |
Yeah, I agree with yurble. The issue here (the true one) is that a woman has two dicks to play with and it isn't one man and two pussies. It's the stereotype of feminine purity that this advice seeker can't get past. Yet another example of how Christian "morality" is fucking everyone over. I say shit, it has to be easier with three parents instead of just one. And the would have two or three salaries as well. It seems damn near ideal so long as jealousy doesn't tear the triad apart.
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Re: I wonder how this trainwreck turned out February 13, 2015 | Registered: 12 years ago Posts: 5,652 |
Well, I can see why she put off telling her biofamily about it and stuck to telling her family of choice...she probably figured this would be the reaction she'd get. Not sure that telling them after conception is a better option, though.
I do know poly folks that are raising kids, though none in the exact relationship configuration outlined in the letter. The ones I know have a primary partner (usually married), and both primaries are seeing someone else. Monogamy doesn't always equal healthy relationship, and poly/open doesn't always equal dysfunction. And vice versa.
I don't think this triad will necessarily be more vulnerable to the baby-grenade. Seven years is long enough to show they're solid, but I know people in even longer-term monogamous marriages that crumbled after kids. And I've known poly people who have been together for a decade or longer, kids and all. And vice versa.
If they have their relationship pretty much settled, I'd say their odds may be just like those of monogamous couples.
I do know poly folks that are raising kids, though none in the exact relationship configuration outlined in the letter. The ones I know have a primary partner (usually married), and both primaries are seeing someone else. Monogamy doesn't always equal healthy relationship, and poly/open doesn't always equal dysfunction. And vice versa.
I don't think this triad will necessarily be more vulnerable to the baby-grenade. Seven years is long enough to show they're solid, but I know people in even longer-term monogamous marriages that crumbled after kids. And I've known poly people who have been together for a decade or longer, kids and all. And vice versa.
If they have their relationship pretty much settled, I'd say their odds may be just like those of monogamous couples.
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Re: I wonder how this trainwreck turned out February 13, 2015 | Registered: 16 years ago Posts: 585 |
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Re: I wonder how this trainwreck turned out February 13, 2015 | Registered: 12 years ago Posts: 1,788 |
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Re: I wonder how this trainwreck turned out February 14, 2015 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 6,607 |
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JoJo
I still say Tony most probably won't hang around too long after Julia turns into a breeder-brained brood sow.
Considering the attitude of the family-of-origin, the poly relationship almost has to be kept going, if only to save face or pride. I can just imagine the puckered sphincter family members who'd love nothing more than to crow "SEE! Toldya it wouldn't work! It's an abnormal, evil and deviant lifestyle! neener neener!"
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Re: I wonder how this trainwreck turned out February 15, 2015 | Registered: 9 years ago Posts: 606 |
actually I have heard of family situations such as one woman two men and a child, there are all sorts of relationships out there, what I find so funny, is that the family take her happy relationship situation personally, and find it offensive.
I don't get the feeling that either male would up and leave during pignacy, its to difficult to come by two other people willing to live the same lifestyle as you desire, together at the same time, what I do think would happen though, is that whoever fathers each child, will tend to favour that child over the others, regardless.
and in the situation I know of, they tried to pass of the extra dad as a close loving uncle at first, till the kid walked in on the threesome sex, then they had to explain it. although the females family was cool with it, the daddys family wouldn't even let the "uncle" in their house, also both men were ridiculed in their place of work more for being in a MMF relationship than anything else.
I don't get the feeling that either male would up and leave during pignacy, its to difficult to come by two other people willing to live the same lifestyle as you desire, together at the same time, what I do think would happen though, is that whoever fathers each child, will tend to favour that child over the others, regardless.
and in the situation I know of, they tried to pass of the extra dad as a close loving uncle at first, till the kid walked in on the threesome sex, then they had to explain it. although the females family was cool with it, the daddys family wouldn't even let the "uncle" in their house, also both men were ridiculed in their place of work more for being in a MMF relationship than anything else.
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