F%$*ing MIL - just need to ranty rant

I am so fucking done trying with her. I've tried to empathise, tried to be nice, tried to connect with her on levels other than about grandbrats, and everything gets thrown back in my face. I wish I never had to have anything to do with her again, and I'm so sick of her telling my OH every time she speaks to him what a bad person she thinks I am.

I offered to get her some of the vitamins I use when she was diagnosed with vitamin deficiencies - she tells OH to tell me to stop interfering and she's perfectly happy with what the doctor gave her.

She whinges about how hard work her dog is (because she never trained it) and how tired and stressed she is - we offered to give her a break and take the dog on holiday to the countryside with us. She takes this as me saying she's a bad dog owner, and then says that she would never want to be without her dog for a second. Fuck me, all we offered was to have the dog for a weekend so she got some rest, as she has been stressed and exhausted - we were trying to do her a favour. OH tried to explain this, but she wasn't having any of it and told him to stop defending me.

I also offered to take her to get hair and nails done before the wedding so she could relax a bit - I offered to pay, too. She takes this as me saying she looks bad, and tells OH she feels insulted!

She has told OH now that she wants to see more of him without me - pretty fucking clear message. I can't do right for doing wrong, even when I try and be kind.

She used to say I was thoughtful and kind for doing things like this, now she sees it in a totally different light, because I am now the nasty ebil woman denying her grandchildren. Nothing I do any more is nice - everything must have some kind of alternative agenda, so fuck it, I am not going to be nice any more - she is about to get a taste of what I'm like when I am not nice, and I'm pretty sure she'll wish I'd go back to what I was like before.

My ILs are a pain in the ass, and I don't have anything to do with them. I married my husband to be married to my husband, not to kiss up to his parents. I honestly reached a point where I didn't care if my husband divorced me over it - I wasn't having anything more to do with them. Now my husband doesn't even bother to visit them - I think my taking a stand opened his eyes to how critical and controlling they are.

This site helped me immensely: http://community.motherinlawstories.com/forum/forum.php

Let your husband visit the nasty wench alone and don't give her anymore space in your head.

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stillwaters
My ILs are a pain in the ass, and I don't have anything to do with them. I married my husband to be married to my husband, not to kiss up to his parents. I honestly reached a point where I didn't care if my husband divorced me over it - I wasn't having anything more to do with them. Now my husband doesn't even bother to visit them - I think my taking a stand opened his eyes to how critical and controlling they are.

This site helped me immensely: http://community.motherinlawstories.com/forum/forum.php

Let your husband visit the nasty wench alone and don't give her anymore space in your head.

I'm going to second stillwater's recommendation of the MIL stories forum. I lurked there for years, soaking up a lot of validation that it is OK to cut toxic people out of your life. That forum has slowed down quite a bit, overtaken by the totally insane entertainment value of http://community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dwil_nation but the MIL forum is a good, typically non-Moo oriented place.

The advice they give you will be distilled quite simply: you've tried to make a decent relationship with your OH's mother and she now rejects you. So drop the rope. It's now your OH's responsibility to deal with her, leaving you out, not demanding that you "compromise" just so that he doesn't catch shit from her.

I know there are several childfree posters on there who have fought for years to develop a relationship with their mates that does not involve his family. Some haven't met with 100% success, but they can give you advice that you can apply to your own situation.

If you try repeatedly to be nice to someone and they treat you like shit...that's a sign it's time to let them go. If she's going to be plain nasty to you then it's not worth your time or energy to worry about her.

Sorry you have this stressor in your life.

As long as OH supports you and realizes how full of shit she is, there is nothing to worry about. Let the crazy people go and live their insane lives. Though you will now be labeled as the "sinful harlot who turned mommy's little man completely against her with your evil, lustful ways! My poor innocent baby! He never stood a chance wah!"

Hope to get the details on that one!

Well, we have to go down and see them tomorrow and I've said OH can go on his own, I'm done with her shit. He has tried to get her to see I am not being nasty, that I'm the same person I was, its just that she sees me differently because we "came out" as CF last year. But she is convinced - a CF woman cannot be a nice person. The two don't go together. Her narrative is pretty much what addiea raine suggested - "my poor innocent boy in the clutches of this awful woman"

I never put two and two together with her dislike of her CF brother's wife - always thought that it was because she was a little eccentric, but I think that too is about the CF issue. OK, so the wife is a tad bit odd, but she also tries to be kind to MIL and MIL always rejects it and is mean about her - if she is ever given a gift by her, for example, the gift is never good enough or to her taste. Never mind that her own brother can't be arsed to get birthday and Xmas gifts for his own sister and leaves it to his wife, noooo, he can do no wrong.

I don't get why some women are like this - hold men up on a pedestal and treat other women like crap.

You already identified the root of the problem correctly - your MIL hates you because you don't want to squeeze out a loaf.
My assessment: she will think that you are a mistake her pre$hous son made and that he would be much happier when he would end the relationship with you and find someone new - a breeder. Then he will be soooooo happy because he will have a family and you will be soooo
unhappy and die poor and alone. That's her way of thinking.
In addition to this, there comes a general jealousy / female rivalry when mommy dearest loses her son to a woman.
You cannot do anything to improve the relationship. Give it up, save your energy/time/money for something else. She will never like you. You will always try to help her / buy her something nice etc. She will only criticise you for your efforts. You'll end up frustrated and unhappy.
Been there, done that.

its a shame, I've heard your struggles with past visits, but I think mrs. chinaski is onto something about the belief that your MIL has about him being happier with a brood mare. before you know it, she'll be trying to fix him up with all her single or unhappy wanna moos that would be so much more worth leaving you to start a family with :drool

these days i just assume that other people cannot comprehend, or will try hard not to, that im cf, i can gather why they have kids, but they struggle to wrap their heads around the idea that people can choose not to have kids to begin with

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yummynotmummy
Well, we have to go down and see them tomorrow and I've said OH can go on his own, I'm done with her shit. He has tried to get her to see I am not being nasty, that I'm the same person I was, its just that she sees me differently because we "came out" as CF last year. But she is convinced - a CF woman cannot be a nice person. The two don't go together. Her narrative is pretty much what addiea raine suggested - "my poor innocent boy in the clutches of this awful woman"

Just make sure that you and OH are not affected by her venom. If he can't ever convince the bitch that he's on the same side of the fence as you by his own decision, and you put her in an indefinite time out, I wouldn't put it past her to make you Public Enemy #1 and try to enlist family members as flying monkees to divide you two. If there is any change in his behavior toward you, call it out right that minute. Acid dripping on the strongest stone eventually starts to wear it down.

Fucking breeders. All that bitch cares about is that her son doesn't leave the herd, deprive her of a chance to be a Grandmaw, or make her look less in the eyes of her fellow breeders because her children are "different."

What Dorisan said.

Cutting off MiL is the best thing, no point in reaching out to someone who will treat you like shit.
Based on previous experience you did the right thing by cutting her off, hopefully OH will see how horrible she is and follow your example.

Your OH needs to stand up for you!
This doesn't mean he needs to tell her off or make a scene.
I think he should calmly tell her on the phone one time that any further negative comments about Yummy will lead to an immediate hang up. I would simply refuse to go to her house and OH shouldn't put you in a hostile situation. He needs to apply the same rule in person he does on the phone with any trashing of Yummy will result in him leaving immediately, although I don't think a brief "time out" from her (by him) would be out of line.
He needs to tell her he will not be breeding and the issue is off the table. I'm not normally a fan of lying to appease morons but maybe he should just tell her he got the snip so the case is closed.
Most of my in laws suck but at least my mother in law is one of the most kind, wonderful people I know.

Well as it happened, we didn't see her, as her sister went into hospital yesterday. Usually I'd have text her to ask how things were, but I didn't - left it to OH.

What she doesn't realise is that over the years I've encouraged OH to engage more with her, be nicer to her and cut her some slack (he was angry with her for a long time over various things, leaving his dad etc, but I tried to get him to understand that her staying in an unhappy relationship for the sake of the kids wasn't a realistic or fair expectation). She wouldn't see half as much of him if it wasn't for me, so good luck to her now she's pissed me off - I won't be encouraging him to see her or communicate with her any more, he can choose to see/speak to her as much or as little as he wants.

She will blame me, I am aware of this - however, if she says anything I will simply point out to her that their relationship has returned to the level it was at before we got together, which was pretty shit.

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Dorisan
I wouldn't put it past her to make you Public Enemy #1 and try to enlist family members as flying monkees to divide you two.

She's already started on that one. We were warned via OH's dad that she'd been bitching to family members about me, so when I meet them at the wedding, expect some hostility. I am just going to be super-nice and polite so it makes her look like a right bitch.

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evilchildlessbitch
He needs to tell her he will not be breeding and the issue is off the table

This has been said. However, MIL has taken to now finding fault with me in other ways (because OH won't listen to any more whinging about not breeding). So you're right, he does need to start getting tough on the sly nasty comments she's making.

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mrs. chinaski
You cannot do anything to improve the relationship. Give it up, save your energy/time/money for something else. She will never like you. You will always try to help her / buy her something nice etc. She will only criticise you for your efforts. You'll end up frustrated and unhappy.
Been there, done that.

Sorry to hear you've had similar trouble. I suppose I feel upset because she used to like me and I feel like I've lost something - but I do need to come to terms with the fact that's no longer the case, and that my lack of breeding intentions has completely changed how she sees me as a person. She wouldn't be the first person I've had to cut off for that reason, I've done it with a friend or two before who became breederific and started bingoing/judging me for my choices, but it's easier to get rid of a friend than a MIL!

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yummynotmummy
I suppose I feel upset because she used to like me and I feel like I've lost something - but I do need to come to terms with the fact that's no longer the case, and that my lack of breeding intentions has completely changed how she sees me as a person. She wouldn't be the first person I've had to cut off for that reason, I've done it with a friend or two before who became breederific and started bingoing/judging me for my choices, but it's easier to get rid of a friend than a MIL!

You didn't lose anything. As the saying goes, a person who is nice to you but nasty to the waiter is not a nice person. Your MIL was nice to you because she thought she was going to be getting something out of it. When she found out she wouldn't be able to use you to get what she wants, she became the bitch that she always was in the first place.

Read up on the stories in that forum. Most of them start out: "My MIL was fine until we had kids..." Then the controlling, tantruming grabby grandma comes out and makes life miserable for everyone. The mean old b was just biding her time.

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yummynotmummy
What she doesn't realise is that over the years I've encouraged OH to engage more with her, be nicer to her and cut her some slack (he was angry with her for a long time over various things, leaving his dad etc, but I tried to get him to understand that her staying in an unhappy relationship for the sake of the kids wasn't a realistic or fair expectation). She wouldn't see half as much of him if it wasn't for me, so good luck to her now she's pissed me off - I won't be encouraging him to see her or communicate with her any more, he can choose to see/speak to her as much or as little as he wants.

Yeaaah, that sort of thing hardly ever works. It's done out of love and good intentions, but you can't emote for your partner or truly fix their bad connections to family. It might win you good points with the mother in the beginning, but it ultimately comes down to her not wanting you around, no matter the high road, turning of cheek, killing with kindness tactics you try.

I'm glad that my spouse, either out of understanding or indifference, never tried even a smidgeon to get my mother and I to come to terms. Your best hope is to be so firm and unyielding that OH's mother gives up and leaves you alone, or that you find some way to scare the shit out of her and gain respect out of fear. Barring that, I advise deep detachment and indifference.

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yummynotmummy
MIL has taken to now finding fault with me in other ways (because OH won't listen to any more whinging about not breeding). So you're right, he does need to start getting tough on the sly nasty comments she's making.

Oh, you just watch. Once she knows that your OH won't back down; that you are irrevocably in his life and he doesn't want to listen to her yapping; she'll turn sickly sweet and totally boggled at what she might have done to hurt your feelings. Expect a non-apology ("I don't know what I could have done to make you unhappy, but I'm very sorry you feel that way"), protests of affection, even gifts.

Toxic people are predictable. The list of tactics is very short.

@ yummynotmummy:
In that case YOU WIN!
Obviously, your partner doesn't like her much.
When she continues to be hostile towards you,
he will kick her in the a$$. It's only question of time.
Dorisan is right - the best strategy is detachment
and indifference. Don't attack her, don't let her
provoke you.
When the $hit hits the fan, she will run around and
will tell everybody how will listen how the ugly and
disgusting yummynotmummy alienated her from
her pre$hious son. She will never admit that it was
her son who made that decision. In her mind, it will
be all your fault.

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Dorisan
Once she knows that your OH won't back down; that you are irrevocably in his life and he doesn't want to listen to her yapping; she'll turn sickly sweet and totally boggled at what she might have done to hurt your feelings. Expect a non-apology ("I don't know what I could have done to make you unhappy, but I'm very sorry you feel that way"), protests of affection, even gifts.

Oh good Lord, that would actually be even scarier. She's already a master of the guilt trip both with OH and his brother - in fact, I think BIL gets it worse now, because they have the grandloaf. "Oh woe is me I live so far from my only grandchild and I'm too scared to drive on motorways but nobody comes to see meeeee"

MIL's myriad anxiety complexes are nothing but control mechanisms, I see that now. I used to feel bad for her - I've had mental health issues myself, but I've also had to get on with it by seeking help, undergoing treatment and what have you. I wasn't given any choices in the matter, because I didn't have enablers. MIL's partner is a complete yes-man, and will do anything she says - he would never say to her "if you want to see more of the kids, maybe you should try and do something about this fear of driving". Oh no, he just agrees with her that the kids are big meanie-heads for not coming to see her more.

BIL also told us incidentally that she's been saying I shouldn't be in the wedding photo album "in case we break up"! Luckily, BIL told her that wasn't acceptable - there will be plenty of photos that I am not in anyway, since I am not part of the bridal/top table party, so as for the rest of the photos, she can lump it.

stillwaters, I had a look at that forum and :crz :eyebrows - one more thing to be grateful of as a CF person, at least I never have to worry that I'll be a nightmare MIL one day.

you need to cut her out of your life.

and if she is always talking trash about you to your husband he needs to tell her to stop. if he doesn't stand up to her now he never will.

Some people are so dysfunctional that they should have no place in your life.
That lesson was one of the best ones that I have learned in my life.
Most of my family members were cut out of my life, with no regret decades later.

Yeah, I'll admit upfront that only a proudly cold-hearted bitch like me would say that I'm glad my MIL was dead before I had to deal with her. DH Tony mentioned multiple times what a pain in the ass his own mother was and how much he really detested her. I'm supporting my husband in his judgment. I didn't know her, but everyone who did says she was a worthless, meddling and mouthy cunt. I can't argue--I didn't know her!

Even before I officially became childfree, I loved the idea of marrying an orphan. If there's one thing worse than breeders, it is old breeders. They really think they are entitled to make people think and live as they say.

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"I have found little that is 'good' about human beings on the whole. In my experience most of them are trash, no matter whether they publicly subscribe to this or that ethical doctrine or to none at all."
~Sigmund Freud

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peace-n-quiet
Even before I officially became childfree, I loved the idea of marrying an orphan. If there's one thing worse than breeders, it is old breeders. They really think they are entitled to make people think and live as they say.

I recall my mother saying: "marry an orphan", "found on a doorstep".

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khan

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peace-n-quiet
Even before I officially became childfree, I loved the idea of marrying an orphan. If there's one thing worse than breeders, it is old breeders. They really think they are entitled to make people think and live as they say.

I recall my mother saying: "marry an orphan", "found on a doorstep".

When my boyfriend of about 8 years refers to me in appropriately topical conversation with other people, he frequently crows about the fact that I have no living family as a definite positive.