not a bad article on what not to say to CF women

A PNB friend of mine posted this on her FB page and I thought I would share it here:

"7 Appeals To Moms From Women Without Children"

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/helene-tragos-stelian/women-without-children_b_7300970.html

It's not bad, imo.

At least she took the time to get to know a few different perspectives before reaproching her new cf friend.

I wish more articles like this got publically known, so moos might learn how to give the questions and bingos a rest and talk about something else for once in their lives.

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exile
I wish more articles like this got publically known, so moos might learn how to give the questions and bingos a rest and talk about something else for once in their lives.

Talk about something else besides kydz!?!?!?

FUGGHEDABOUDIT! :GOMIIMOG

I'll give her props for writing what seems like a pretty non-judgmental article and examining all the different reasons why people don't have children, whether it's because they can't, they never found the right person to have kids with, or they just plain don't fucking want them.

The biggest issue is so many people make assumptions out loud as far as why someone doesn't have kids. The immediate assumption is that your reproductive organs (or your partner's) are broken, which leads into a one-sided discussion about your sex life, how hard your partner can get, the assumption that you as a woman must have a male partner, and that there are medical options to help you conceive. If you don't have them because you don't want them, it's assumed that you must be mentally ill, immature or had a horrible, abusive childhood. People will insist on prying into your personal life and if you tell them you're sterilized, they have meltdowns about how could you destroy your own fertility when so many women out there can't have babies?! Because, you know, you should totally go have something you don't want just because other people want the same thing and can't have it. It's like the logic of "Clear your plate because there are people starving in Africa," as if my eating all my food will end hunger in a third-world country. Having kids you don't want won't do anything for infertiles. If you have/had intact fertility, a good or normal childhood and are mentally competent and still dare to be CF, then you are just labeled a social deviant who gets moist at the thought of children being abused or killed.

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Don't call me childless
While many of my interviewees did not want to get caught up in the terminology, the majority agreed with Leah that the word childless "implies something is lacking." It's a negative. For the women who chose not to have children, this is particularly offensive.

As to better wording, some liked "child free" while others felt it was too forced, trying too hard to be politically correct.

Jane questions the need for these distinctions at all: "Why do you have to be identified through whether or not you have children? I know many parents, particularly women, who are fed up with being defined though their children. It's an outdated, misogynistic way of defining women which rarely applies to men, largely because there's always the chance that they'll father kids when 95!"

Still, for the sake of clarity in this essay, I am using the somewhat wordy "without children" for lack of a better answer.

I'll give her a pass on the terminology because I know a lot of people think "childless" and "childfree" are interchangeable. Some CFers don't give a shit, but some of us don't like being referred to as childless because it implies that we lack something that we want, whereas childfree means just that - free of children in a good way, like cancer-free. It sucks that so many women are defined solely by their reproductive status, but it's because society feels we're all nothing but potential broodmares. If you have kids, "Mom" eclipses everything else you are, or it's supposed to, as far as society is concerned. If you have no kids, you become "the mean lady with no kids."

And it only happens with women too. Somehow, men can remain single/unmarried and childless or childfree for as long as they live and still be able to lead fulfilling lives. If a dood is a lifelong bachelor, it's perfectly fine, but women need to be wed and bred to experience fulfillment? What bullshit. If a woman goes her whole life without breeding and fills her existence with things she loves doing and people she loves being around, all people will say at her funeral is, "It's too bad she didn't have any kids."

Unfortunately, since breeders immerse themselves completely in the lives of their children and lose their pre-breeding identities, all they fuckin' know how to talk about is their damn kids. Did you see the new episode of (show)? "No, I didn't have time because I have kids." Have you checked out that new restaurant over in (town)? They've got some great food. "No, I can't afford to go because I have kids, and little Tuhfeffala'a is allergic to tablecloths." I discovered a cure for dementia this morning and am being nominated for the Nobel Prize. "Yeah, well, I had to wash all the bedding twice because my daughter Candida Pineapple took off her diaper and had explosive diarrhea all over my bed. Where's my Nobel Prize?"