2124 Hubby Suddenly Wants Kids

YIKES! RUN! RUN FAR FAR AWAY!!! I've seen this before with some of my friends.

First of all, his reasons for wanting a kid are really invalid. He may be getting pressure from his friends. He may even think having that BAYBEE will save the marriage. If things have been going downhill, it sounds like something else is going on.

There appears to be a control issue here too: he doesn't want you working. He wants you totally dependent on him regardless of what excuse he uses for letting you not work full time. Oh, and having a baybee would give him even MORE control.

Out with friends 1-2 times a week? Martial arts 3 times? My my, he's a busy guy, and just when does he think he'd find the time to play daddy?

Girl, get your resume together NOW and start looking for work. It appears you've only been out of the field a few years so you won't be too far behind. Be strong, set your mind to it, focus on the goal that is good for YOU and move on.

Bail now sister. I get a bad feeling from this. Good luck.

I agree RUN. Call a lawyer today.

Sorry to hear that your spouse sprung this on you. Perhaps something else is bugging him, and he thinks that a baby will fix it. But parenthood will leave precious little time for the two of you, let alone his martial arts and buddy-times. Counseling is a good idea...not because it will magically save anything (though you two might be able to stay married, who knows), but it will help you understand where his head is at & what you need to do next.

I agree...get you resume together & start covering your legal bases. Go to counseling, keep your communication channels open, but be prepared in case you wind up separating...the old adage about "hope for the best, prepare for the worst".

I hope that things work out for the best, whatever that may be.

The thing that had my alarm bells ringing was that he doesn't expect YOU to have this hypothetical baby. I may be cynical, but I wonder if he has a not-quite-so-hypothetical mother picked out already. If not, just what is he suggesting should happen? That the two of you stay married and he impregnates someone else?

LA, it's time to call a lawyer, honey. If you haven't already done so, get a job lined up and make sure you have a bank account in your own name. You're going to need both.

His not wanting you to work is a form of controlling behavior typically seen in a batterer. Your having a baby with him would be the second part of the control and dependency and I'm afraid I see the slap coming around the corner after that.

If you're an American and want to work overseas, I highly recommend going to www.usajobs.com (a website for Federal government jobs) and check out what's going on overseas. I've known several civilians who worked on the bases in Naples, Italy, Sigonella, Sicily, and Rota, Spain and they LOVED it! You don't have to have European citizenship and you can stay overseas for 5 years. I know that Naples and Sicily just built brand-new bases (I was stationed in Sicily 2000-2003 and they are re-building the whole place) and I've traveled to Rota, Spain and that place is NICE! Go for your dream, girl and good luck!

"I may be cynical, but I wonder if he has a not-quite-so-hypothetical mother picked out already."

Saying crap like he doesn't expect YOU to have a baybee + he's stopped having sex with you = probable affair in my book. Both are HUGE RED FLAGS, especially the sex thing.

I went through this with my ex. He was having an affair with a married CL woman. Even though I was sterilized before marriage, he started whining that I wasn't willing to have his baybee. Having someone on the side made him bold.

Screw marriage counseling in these situations. Auditioning for a role that you already have (Wife) is demeaning.

I agree with the advice to get your own bank account. You may want to throw a few bucks at a private investigator to see if all these "activities" are legitimate.

Trust me, if he's blabbing crap like this, he's already long gone. Maintain your dignity. Don't chase after him, but get your ducks in a row.

La, I am so sorry to hear you are going through this! I know you may not want to hear this, but the man is a control freak. He has already manipulated you into working part-time so that you are financially dependent on him - that is so that he can control you!

And this whole kid thing is really weird. If he doesn't expect you to have the kid, is he going to hire a surrogate or impregnate another woman?

Talk to a lawyer and get the heck out of that marriage! EU citizenship is not worth the personal price he wants you to pay.

Wow. Baby-rabid men are control freaks and that's what he really wants.

I am sorry you are going through this. I was involved once with a guy who told some mutual friends that he would change my mind for me. It didn't work and I kicked his sorry ass to the curb.

Call up an attorney and consider hiring a private detective to get the goods on him. Chances are, he probably already has something on the side that might be pregnant and you might have to deal with the whole mess with no choices.

I think all the advice given above is VERY good. Get a job, get your own bank account and get a lawyer. But most of all, RUN. Seriously. You deserve better!

Kidfree wrote

"Out with friends 1-2 times a week? Martial arts 3 times? My my, he's a busy guy, and just when does he think he'd find the time to play daddy?"

That's a damn good question, isn't it?

There is a great discussion over at the new CF page about this very topic. One of my favorite posters made an apt observation: Many men don't really want cheee-ill-drun: THEY WANT THEIR WIVES TO RAISE CHILDREN FOR THEM AND DO ALL THE SHIT WORK.

Would this guy's life change all that much? Don't be silly. He'll continue to enjoy his activities while he dumps the cunt work on his wife.

And about the no sex thing. My ex did the same thing. He wanted to be faithful to the tramp he was screwing around with. Seriously, the piousness of this guy was amazing. (No matter that they were BOTH married to other people and his allegiance should have been to the person to whom he made vows.)

Ranter, you'll have to search your heart. When my ex stopped having sex with me, he assured that things were okay and he was just moody, tired, etc. (He lied until the bitter end.) My ex was the emotional type. He wore his heart on his sleeve and pursued me relentlessly until I married him. He was all about the pursuit and the sex, so I knew something was wrong when he lost interest in my sexually.

And yes, I hired a detective and busted his ass. I had to do what I needed to protect myself in case he started to screw with me financially. (I put a ton of money into property that was owned by him.) And here's a clue if you haven't already found out: Unchilded women don't get SHIT in a divorce. I made slightly more than he did. My lawyer blanched when I told him that. Also, my ex was very influential in our town. Because I had the goods on him, we ended up settling. I didn't get the best settlement, but I know judges around here. I ran a significant risk of running into one of his daddy's buddies on the bench, someone who would look at me and figure I didn't deserve anything because I hadn't borne this man's brats.

I hate it that you are going through this. Take care of yourself. I applaud you for not knuckling down and sprogging. (It's good enough for some women.) You'd probably be divorced eventually and you'd be raising the kid alone.

LA, I hate to say it but the "no sex" probably does mean Hubby has a moo-in-mind picked out. Now, it appears that he will stick around to make you appear to be the "bad one" if you end the marriage. A lot of people -- male and female -- say all sorts of things and make false promises to get the other person to commit to marrying. The suddenly "I want kids" issue is not new to the childfree-by-choice community. Many CF men and women have had to deal with this horrible marital SNAFU.

It is hard to leave a marriage even if the person knows it is truly over. I knew mine was over years ago but not due to Husband wanting children but other issues involving money and other stuff. It took two years before the realization that the union was truly over for me to leave. I also agree with Bell_Flower how marriage counseling rarely works. Maybe it does if both parties are 100% committed and still have love for each other.

I do not know where you are from, LA, but citizenship is not worth the hassle even if you are coming from a country where you may have nothing. Your husband will still continue his own activities while he expects you to do the cunt work of child-rearing if you were to cave in which you would regret. You would end up divorced raising a child alone. If you are in a no-fault state, divorce is fairly simple unless you have acquired property.

Recently, I did leave my marriage which is why I have not been around of late. It does get better...

as a man, i have to say run like the very hounds of hell are after you.

this kind of man ruins the cf men, there is no compromise when it comes to kids or not having them, you have made your decision to be CF, he should respect your decision in your life.. this man is unreasonable, and well stupid to just think that life for him will be the same. it wont be.

and as people say counselling may work, but only if there is still a feeling between you, essentially he is spending 2 days with you.. out of a week.

there is something wrong with him, maybe his parents are pressuring him, stand your ground. and be wary of counsellors who have their own agenda's, some would agree with your husband, and pressure you to have kids..

just be aware of them..

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I just post the stories, for interest.. for everyone

Lord, what fools these mortals be!
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene ii

Voltaire said: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

H.L.Mencken wrote:"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein

Merc, you are right on that one!

The problem is in this society is a woman is supposed to automatically cave in when the husband demands that baby. If a wife starts nagging an unwilling spouses for a child, she is told to understand how her husband is not ready and to respect his wishes...unless one goes to the parenting boards I heard about where it is other women who suggest "oopsing".

I also agree when it comes to counseling. I do believe in the 12-Step group I attend but am still wary about others wanting to make decisions for me and to always stay true to myself. Most counsellors *do* have their own agendas. Don't even ask...been there done that!!!!

LA, I really feel for you. I went out with someone for more than seven years, then he started pressing for a famblee. He said if we got married he wouldn't want me to work anymore. He got engaged to someone who would sprog within three months of our breakup. He knew her for 10 days before getting engaged.

I agree with my esteemed CF buddies. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Get your resume in order. Head to a local career center or do some research on the Internet about matching your personality to a job. Like one poster said, you have not been out of the job market that long. Your artistic talent could help you.... The important thing is to take care of No. 1. And that is YOU.

Nour Wrote:
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> LA, I really feel for you. I went out with someone
> for more than seven years, then he started
> pressing for a famblee. He said if we got married
> he wouldn't want me to work anymore. He got
> engaged to someone who would sprog within three
> months of our breakup. He knew her for 10 days
> before getting engaged.

That is why your former boyfriend and the Catholic Church want women to breed and to stop working: because these women have no real "out" if the husband becomes an abuser or a cheater...or if the marriage just goes South. A woman who stops working and then tries to return to her field years later finds it extremely difficult.

I've even known some CF women who had college degrees and chose to be stay-at-home wives after they worked in their profession. They claim how they can just go back to work many years later or if the marriage ends. Sorry...it is the same for a non-childed woman. The degree depreciates like a vehicle if not quickly used. A ten-year-old college degree is worthless if the person has not worked in eight years.

Nour, I am glad you stood your ground and refused to do what this man wanted or else you would be in a horrid marriage with screaming baybees with no way out. A man who wants engagement and total commitment after ten days is someone to be wary of. I know because I allowed my soon-to-be ex-husband move in with me within less than a month of knowing him. Now...I have legal hassles to deal with to end this marriage. At least, I am childfree-by-choice, which is what I told my cousin who is childed and her doctor husband drinks too much. She will never leave because she is a SAHM with a nicer lifestyle.

Enough out of me...

but not all catholics beleive in not using contraception, only the really religious nutters beleive that.

there are many other catholics, like me, who well i am lapsed, but i am still catholic in my heart, but i dont beleive, almost all of my school friends, who went to a catholic school (over 200 in my secondary school).. would use contraception.

only the priests, and the popes and the bishops and a few of the extreme nutters, most people understand the need for contraception.

i knew within 2 days i wanted to be with my rowan, this was online too, it took me till december before last xmas eve to propose to her, but we both knew from the very moment we saw each other in the airport. i would have asked her that first day, i felt that strongly. in some cases you have to go with your feelings.

but i can see what your saying, amethusos*. (just there are exceptions to almost everything)

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I just post the stories, for interest.. for everyone

Lord, what fools these mortals be!
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene ii

Voltaire said: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

H.L.Mencken wrote:"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein