2242 React To Baybee

Whenever I am accosted by a new pahrunt with it's loaf, I react the same way when I've been told a friend is expecting, "OH!" and I smile, and saunter away. The fuckers in this building at work are always breeding and subjecting everyone to the baybee's wailing and screaming when they bring it in to visit.

What the fuck am I supposed to say? Do I wander around the office showing off a new piece of jewelry I got, a new article of clothing, new purse, or do I bring my pets into the office and show them off? Uh, that would be NO. Why? Because I have more sense.

So why do pahrunts insist on showing off their loaves with the expectations that everyone gives a flying shit?

I've developed a few answers of my own to seeing some person's new baby. None of them are actual compliments, but parents take them as such, so it's really funny to watch them beam with delight when I say:

"Wow,s/he is tiny" (well yeah, they all start out that way, or else birth would be physically impossible)
"You must be proud/excited" (that one doesn't say a damn thing about what I think of the kid)
"S/he must be so precious to you" (sure...all kids are precious to their parents! It's a survival thing! If that weren't the case, all the proto-humans would have died out eons ago because their parents were more interested in watching the passing herds of mastodons!)
"Look at those small fingernails/feet/hands/etc" (again, not really saying anything complimentary)
"Aww, I used to have a blanket that color when I was little." (it was a great blankie. But I like being an adult better)

I put in one of these, then it's back to my usual things. No thanks, I don't want to hold her. I know she's special to you (emphasis on YOU), but I have things to do.

Exit, stage right.

I tend to switch between Captain Obvious and Captain Oblivious...
"You were right, it is a baby.", or "Oh. Need to freshen up my drink."
Seriously, I don't care. It's neither cute, nor does it smell good and I'm not congratulating you until it learns to mix me a nice Mai Tai.

Mai Tai's, NOW we're talkin!!!! I've not found a suitable Mai Tai, so I've carried around my own recipe for years. It makes a nice, strong, 10 ounce drink! The bartenders always end up asking me if they can keep it. Cheers!

I have not been forced to hold a baby since I told my cousin that hers looked like a ten pound squirming pink turd. It worked.

someone did try to pass one to me, and my rowan, we both stepped back as if she had a loaded gun.. well technically its worse..

this is a bank robbery give me all your money, or i will give u my baby

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I just post the stories, for interest.. for everyone

Lord, what fools these mortals be!
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene ii

Voltaire said: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

H.L.Mencken wrote:"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein

You should post that recipe...then I can share it with children. Or make 'em myself so I can tolerate children at "all ages" gatherings.

That columnist is great...I've been reading through his archives and found these:
http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/pittsburghtrib/opinion/columnists/seate/s_390350.html
http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/pittsburghtrib/opinion/columnists/seate/s_435207.html
http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/pittsburghtrib/opinion/columnists/seate/s_396796.html

cfhistorian, the columns you listed are great. However, I found this recent one of his, called "How to Feign Interest in Babies" dated March 21:

http://tinyurl.com/ynusyh

How to Feign Interest in Babies

By Mike Seate
TRIBUNE-REVIEW
Wednesday, March 21, 2007

According to book industry analysts Market Data Research, the market for self-help books reached an all-time high last year with domestic sales topping $9.6 billion.

But among thousands of titles such as,"You: On a Diet," or "How To Be Happy," I can't find one about how to react to babies. Or better yet, how childless adults are supposed to respond when one of their friends or relatives invites them over to take a gander at their latest little tax deduction.

At the age of 43, I all but thought myself past this socially awkward period as most of my friends are past the age when they can safely reproduce. But due to advances in medical science, folks just a few years away from their AARP cards are becoming parents.

If you're one of the people who, like myself, would rather sit through a Pauly Shore film festival than change a diaper or make baby-talk with some tiny, drooling creature who understands less spoken English than a D.C. cab driver, this can make for some dreadful social visits.

The situation isn't helped by the fact that, to non-breeders, all infants resemble grizzled Western actor Walter Brennan. Or that new parents are eager to interpret your reaction to their offspring, often creating a situation as painful as labor contractions.

When I absolutely, positively can't think of any valid excuses to get me out of "meeting" a new infant, I've taken to reciting one of the following practiced observations while staring into a crib:

* "He/she sure has his dad's/mom's smile/eyes."

* "Wow, this is going to be one big ol' bruiser in a few years." (Caution: Does not work well when viewing female infants.)

* "Now, that is a beautiful blanket! What is that -- pure wool?"

* "Did anybody catch 'Golden Girls' last night on cable? This baby makes me think of Estelle Getty, for some reason."

* "I had a motorcycle that made a noise just like that until I had the steering-head bearings checked."

As you'd guess, these observations do not endear me to the proud parents in question.

What I'd like to say to them is this:

"I'm sorry to disappoint you, dear, new parents. But not having reproduced, I'd be hard-pressed to develop less interest in "meeting" new human beings until they develop language skills, personalities, toilet training, working neck muscles or any of the other prerequisites for socialization. Call me when the kid is ready for high school, and we'll talk at great length."

Now, that sounds like a great self-help title.

Mike Seate can be reached at mseate@tribweb.com or (724) 320-7845.

Cat, I hate to tell you this, but that column is what the original post on the Rants page was about, and what this thread what started about to discuss, as well. So I think most people here have read it already...I was just browsing back through his archives and found those other ones that also might be of interest to everyone.

Sorry, cfhistorian, but I didn't see the original post. Thanks for introducing me to this great writer!

Cross your arms. Don't uncross them. ha! Bound to keep you from holding the 'loaf'.

---

lab mom

I just hide in the bathroom until the sprog is gone.

Hi Feh! Here is the Mai Tai recipe. It makes a big drink so you can always cut it in half. But why would we want to do that??? LOL

1 ounce dark rum
1 ounce light rum
1.5 ounce triple sec
1 ounce orange curaco (blue works if orange isn't available, drink just won't be a pretty color but tastes the same)
1 ounce coconut rum
2 ounces orange juice
2 ounces pineapple juice
.25 ounce grenadine

Bottoms up!

Bottoms UP!

I was just thinking the other day, if I did have a baby when I was pregnant, I would have a 13 year old right now, and probably wouldn't be able to have that much alcohol in my house pretty soon.

Tonight I'm making myself a MaiTai to celebrate!