Taking care of the senior folks

I'm sorry, I'm not looking for attention, I don't mind doing stuff for them, but my grandmother is starting to ride me like a mechanical bull. On one hand, they need my help, but on the other hand, I think she gets a jolly out of knowing that I will drop what I am doing and get her exactly what she wants from the store, or whatever. I feel like a selfish asshole for wondering if DH and I will be able to do our usual Vermont weekend trips AT ALL this year (I have already decided that we will not be able to go for more than 2 or 3 nights at a time, but now I'm starting to worry about that too). When I say that I'm leaving for a few hours to go to work, she gets all scaredy-looking and says "When will you be back?" I have to go to work tomorrow.

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"I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell"

:eatu

Do they have any friends or neighbors who you can get to come visit them? If they belong to a church, maybe you can ask some of the other members to come check up on them during the day...

One thing my mom did with her mother was to set some boundaries like: they only go out once a week to shop for necessities, she will stop by every couple days for a visit so G'ma should only call if it's an emergency...plus she arranged to have some folks from my G'ma's church stop by once a week or so, and she also hired a maid/home visit nurse who also stops by a once or twice a week. Also she's got one of those life alert buttons.
That took the pressure off my mom to be there ALL THE TIME simply because G'ma was lonely, and still allowed my G'ma to know that she won't be left alone for days on end.
I'd recommend checking with any agencies that work with the elderly, even alzheimers groups, because they might be able to link you up with some helpful services. Some nursing homes/assisted care facilities might operate "day care" where elderly folks have a place to gather and socialize during the day. I know my town has one.

"It truly is the one commonality that every designation of humans you can think of has, there's at least one asshole."
--Me

My mom and dad came from that generation that was obssessive-compulsive about NOT wanting to be a burden to others as they aged. They saved carefully, and mom insisted on moving to a church-related retirement community that provides different levels of care after dad died. The community is quite nice, and mom will be able to move into different care levels as her health requires. I begged her to move in with me, but she would not have it. Knowing my mom's iron will, I knew enough not to push the issue and I respect her desire to remain as independent as possible.

I am somewhat obssessive myself about putting money aside for my retirement, and I purchased long term care insurance a few years ago just in case. I doubt that any brat raised born after 1990 would even know a thing about retirement planning outside of expecting to steal their parents' money by having them declared incompetent and put in the nearest state home.

I feel your pain, my dear. SO's grandmother is looking to come to our area to live in an assisted living facility, she hates where she is currently living. She's 92 and very high maintenance. Dear, sweet woman but I really hope this does not become reality. If it does, she will expect her weekly trips to early mass, doctor visits, hair dresser, and whatever else, to be taken care of by myself or SO. Sorry lady, my ass isn't out of bed on the weekends before 9 am. If I had wanted my schedule to be dictated by somebody else, I'd have had kids.

Yes, set boundaries and don't fall for too much attentiong getting. Don't do stuff outta guilt, otherwise, you will never feel good about what you ARE doing for her.

I saw too many people not set boundaries and ruin their lives over it.

Don't feel bad, you know youre a good person, and you don't have to be her be all, end all to continue to be a good person.

I am in a similar situation with my 92 year old grandmother. My aunt and uncle help her out financially, but because I live closer to her(3 hour round trip) than they do, I'm often asked to take her to appointments, check in on her, and sometimes take her to church events. She was never a warm, loving grandmother to me when I was young because I didn't involve myself in the pentecostal church she attends. My aunt and uncle really should have her live with them or put her in a nursing home. They both are loaded financially. I have arthritis and I worry when I take her places that I won't be able to support her weight when walking, or that I'll further injure myself. I know it's terrible, but I sometimes don't pick up the phone when she calls because I don't want to deal with her. SHe has a "life alert" button that she wears around her neck, and has a nurse/housekeeper that visits her 2 times a week. It's funny, she obviously favored my brother when we were young, but now that I'm the closest one in proximity to her I'm good enough to have around. I feel guilty for not wanting to have anything to do with her and for resenting everything that I do do for her. Sorry to ramble, it's just hard!

Wow, I can identify! I'm going through the same thing with my 92 year old grandmother. I live the closest to her (a 3 hour round trip), so I'm often the one asked to take her to appointments (a day long adventure), and other activities. THe bitch of it is (well, there are several bitches of it), that she doesn't even like me that much because I "question" religion too much (she's a devout pentecostal). My aunt and uncle (who are both loaded) help to take care of her by paying her bills, but they won't do any of the dirty work. Luckily, she has life alert, and a nurse/housekeeper that visits her twice a week. She seems to need me all of the time because she's lonely. I feel guilty for not wanting to deal with her, and sometimes don't pick up the phone when I see it's her. Another problem is that I have arthritis, and I worry when I have to take her places that she will be injured because I can't easily support her weight while walking (not to mention I often am in pain helping her.) I really wish she would enter a nursing home. THere, she would at least have constant company.

Hey folks, thank you for the free advice! A friend of the family already said the thing to me about setting boundaries, and I have thought about talking to the "Church" (they belong to a small one, the Polish National Catholic Church, where it is not beholden to Rome and priests can marry. Plus, the new priest is from Poland so he speaks the language of my forefathers). G-Ma poo-poohs outside help & services to me, but she gives the appearance of cooperating until the "strangers" leave. I have two aunts, neither of whom are "nice" people, but one of them does do most of the running around, just not since G-Pa had that accident 'cause she just started a new job. I get "Waah! S never picks up the cell phone anymore!" from GM. She is really quite jealous of all the attention her husband (G-Pa) is getting.

Last night, she decided it was time to tell me about the possum that has been living inside the house with them... ever since the boiler-man was there to fix the boiler, which was over a month ago. I went over and set the Havahart trap, but their cat went inside it instead and pissed all over, so I put the trap outside, and we'll try again tonight.

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"I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell"

:eatu